NiniaPimp Magazine

Washington Capitals Wondering Why They’re Scheduled To Play Rangers Two Games In A Row

04.30.12

Dear The Onion,
I’m a big fan of your paper. Can you pick my son up at the airport on Thursday?

— Mike Haller, Wilmette, IL

05.06.09

Maria Trotter

LOS ANGELES—Players and fans alike are saying that Blake Griffin’s latest dunk, while a solid, unstoppable one-handed jam, was actually more irritating than it was breathtaking or impressive. “Just the way he palmed the ball was, like, ‘Oh, I’m going to jump up with this and place it through the hoop now, ooh, look at me,’” said Lakers center Andrew Bynum, adding that the dunk was “probably going to come back to bug [him] all week at odd moments” until the playoffs started. “And the way he jumped? Tell me that wasn’t the most aggravating jump you’ve seen since Reggie Miller was playing.” Despite the generally acknowledged off-putting nature of Griffin’s dunk, onlookers agreed Kobe Bryant was still the most annoying thing about the game.

AE

8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST

A dejected Dave thinks the storage locker he purchased is a bust when once again he finds nothing but a 55-gallon oil drum stuffed with two female bodies, but he rejoices upon realizing the corpses are concealing a mint-condition 1921 standard-gauge Lionel tinplate train set.

Kid With Mop Just Following Behind Pau Gasol For Entire Game

04.20.12

NHL Playoffs Frequently Paused For NHL Pledge Drive

04.18.12

E!

8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST

Debra Messing tries to recall something that happened in a grocery store; Jon Hamm shoots a wizard.

Flyers Neutralize Sidney Crosby With Pregame Light Show

04.14.12

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April 17

April 12, 2012 |

ISSUE 48•15

Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m.

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