Washington Capitals Wondering Why They’re Scheduled To Play Rangers Two Games In A Row 04.30.12
Dear The Onion,I’m a big fan of your paper. Can you pick my son up at the airport on Thursday? — Mike Haller, Wilmette, IL 05.06.09
LOS ANGELES—Players and fans alike are saying that Blake Griffin’s latest dunk, while a solid, unstoppable one-handed jam, was actually more irritating than it was breathtaking or impressive. “Just the way he palmed the ball was, like, ‘Oh, I’m going to jump up with this and place it through the hoop now, ooh, look at […]
AE 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST A dejected Dave thinks the storage locker he purchased is a bust when once again he finds nothing but a 55-gallon oil drum stuffed with two female bodies, but he rejoices upon realizing the corpses are concealing a mint-condition 1921 standard-gauge Lionel tinplate train set.
Kid With Mop Just Following Behind Pau Gasol For Entire Game 04.20.12
NHL Playoffs Frequently Paused For NHL Pledge Drive 04.18.12
E! 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Debra Messing tries to recall something that happened in a grocery store; Jon Hamm shoots a wizard.
Flyers Neutralize Sidney Crosby With Pregame Light Show 04.14.12
<!– GA_googleFillSlot(“1x1_specialreportlogo”); –> April 17 April 12, 2012 | ISSUE 48•15 Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m. Recent News » Man With Nice Eyes Blown 03.30.12 Scalia Unable To Name All 9 Supreme Court Justices 03.29.12 Nation’s Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington […]