I’m a sucker for technology. I love watching videos about gadgets that are coming up in the near future, even if I know I can’t afford them or really even use them. But every once in a while, I’ll catch one that makes me question whether the makers really thought it through.
I mean, you can tell they put in thousands of hours of thought into the actual technology, but when they portray how it’s meant to be used, you wonder if they’ve ever actually spoken to another human being.
#5. In the Future, Every Surface Is a Touchscreen!
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The people at Corning, who make glass for touchscreens (and everything else) made this video portraying a future where absolutely everything in the world is a goddamned touchscreen:
It takes exactly 39 seconds before you realize that the people working at Corning have never met another person outside of their offices. It’s the moment the woman in this video turns on the water to brush her teeth, looks up into the mirror and responds to an instant message.
In her F***ing bathroom. The place where she could very well have been taking her morning S***, just glad to be in a quiet room where people couldn’t bother her until she was fully awake and prepared to cope with the world.
While she’s dealing with her work’s bullS*** in what used to be the most serene, sacred room in the house, the dad is in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. Their spoiled little S***head daughters walk in and plop their cleats down onto a counter top that has the ability to display full video … making it worth more than my car. The dad continues to cook without pausing to beat them with their own shoes until they’re the consistency of his raw eggs.
Mom leaves for work and drives by a sheltered bus stop … which is also a display/computer. Because in the future, every possible surface of anything that exists is a computer.
Note the distinct lack of dicks and gang signs spray painted on the glass. Notice the absence of bricks embedded in that map. Surely this company is based in a city, right? I mean they’ve had to have come across some filth and vandalism on the way to work? Actually, it’s becoming more apparent to me that the reason they’ve never met another human is because they were born into those offices and they’ve never dared venture outside of them.
In their world, everything is a computer. Every floor, every ceiling, every wall, every pane of glass on the entire planet. It’s all a giant connected display, impervious to people like me who would devote nothing less than his entire life to be able to replace this model with goatse.
But there’s something else that this video does that’s a little better illustrated in this one from Microsoft:
It’s a trend that’s been going on for a few years on all of these “future” videos where they show the display as a table or a counter top … some common household surface. And when you lay your camera or phone on it, all of the pictures and videos come spilling out so you can view them, edit, transfer to other devices and whatever.
Some of you see where I’m going with this already, but let me spell it out for those who don’t: In my experience, the ratio of people who have porn on their phones or cameras versus those who don’t are roughly every last F***ing one of them to none of them at all. Maybe I just know too many perverts, but I can absolutely picture a scenario where a dude comes home from work, drops his car keys and phone onto the table two feet from his kids, and porn shoots out like a geyser made of tits and F***ing.
Now imagine you have that same phone in your pocket while at work. You’re talking to a coworker or your boss as you casually lean against the desk. Just like when you accidentally dial someone because your keys (same pocket as the phone) touched the wrong button, this time they’ve hit the “spray porn all over this desk” button. Best case scenario, you’ve kept it in your back pocket so that when it does happen (and it will), it will look like you just spontaneously shot porn right out of your A******.
#4. The House of the Future!
At some point a long time ago, somebody decided absolutely everything in the future that wasn’t Blade Runner would be white and spotless (so many sci-fi movies do this that TVTropes has a page on it). So we have this video from the Living Tomorrow project, a concept home where 70 different companies have combined to show you what your place will look like in 2015 or so.
The narrator tells us, “Living Tomorrow is what we’ll all be doing, and this house shows you what to expect.” That’s important, but I’m going to come back to it in just a few minutes. For right now, I just want that to be fresh in your mind.
In the meantime, let’s take a look at the kitchen, which on top of being bigger than any three rooms in my house combined, is adorned with furniture and appliances so white, it’ll make your retinas sweat.
Let’s skip right past the fact that it looks like everything there was designed by a toilet manufacturer, and get right to the part where we try to imagine cleaning that bastard. See, this is the problem of the “white future” we see in all these movies. Have kids? Then your future is constantly following them with a Windex bottle and a bucket for your exhaustion-induced vomit. Just changed the oil in your car? Don’t even walk past that room.
Case in point, you see those dildo-shaped, faucet-looking things on top of the long … I’m assuming that’s an autopsy table? They zoom in on those things at one point, and you get a quick glimpse showing that they’re already becoming scratched and stained … in a demonstration house where nothing is being used.
That aside, it also comes with, guess what, a touchscreen interface built right into the wall …
What she’s doing there is hitting a preset switch that automatically dims the lights and puts on your favorite music for a nice romantic evening in. You know, in case you plan on F***ing the family from Beetlejuice.
Or let’s say that you just flipped out and drank all of the booze in your house. You’re too S***faced to find a pen, so you stumble over to the several thousand dollar LED screen and drunkenly scrawl “red wine” with your finger like a blind five year old with Parkinson’s Disease. You can then drag down the item you want, tell it how much you wish to purchase … and then for whatever reason, watch a video of what you just ordered on your TV in the other room. Most likely because you were too F***ed up to remember why you came into the kitchen in the first place.
Nowhere in the video does it say that you can order this stuff. It just says that it makes the actual grocery list.
But it gets better. This “house of tomorrow,” which is basically just a giant house with all the S*** hooked up to Windows, has a feature that lets you pay your bills by fingerprint.
If you don’t see the problem with that, then you don’t have kids. They could lock that F***er down with DNA testing that makes you submit a blood sample in order to open the menu, and kids will find a way to break into it. Even if they don’t get into the bill-paying section, the video later claims that every single electronic device in the house is hooked up to a central “easy to use” system. Heat. Air conditioning. Showers. TV. Now let’s flash forward to the first time your power gets knocked out.
Or, the first time a virus — or, hell, a faulty software update — bricks the system. So, what, does your heat shut off? And if you’re paying your bills online, that means the system is going to have to have security updates. Which means one morning you’ll wake up and find everything off in your dark, cold house, and all of your touchscreens blinking a “Could Not Start, XJKFDSUJ5715733571.ini is Missing or Corrupt, Please Reboot” message. You restart the system, at which point it displays the same message.
Oh, and that sentence I asked you to keep in mind? How this is what “we’ll all be doing”? This house costs 22 million euros — $31.6 million U.S. Holy S***, the future is awesome! F*** this house, just give me that in cash.
Wait, it has a tanning bed? This IS the future!
#3. In the Future, We’ll Wear Our Computers!
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Maybe to get an idea of just how badly these demonstrations misunderstand human nature, we need to go back in time. Here’s a video from 1992 that shows how in the near future of a few years ago, we’ll all be wearing bulky computers everywhere we go:
So here is the body-mounted “office of the future”:
… and here she is holding the cock and balls of a futuristic giant robot she had to fight:
Ah, the ’90s. But make no mistake, the industry is still shooting for wearable computers. To the engineers working on this sort of thing, I need to remind you of a minor detail: lots of people are self-conscious about what they wear.
Think of these expensive gadgets as jewelry. There are two types of people in this world where jewelry is concerned: 1) people who hate it because they don’t like worrying about expensive, pointless accessories on their bodies and 2) people who like it, in which case they’re going to be pretty goddamn picky about what it looks like and on what part of the body it goes. If you don’t believe me, go out and buy your significant other a random necklace with some throwaway pendant on the end. Most people will appreciate the thought … right before they put it in a drawer and tell you, “Oh, I’m just not wearing it because … I, uh … don’t want to damage it!”
“Awww, for me? F*** you.”
People want to look cool. And sure, you say, but some day we’ll have smaller devices that won’t make it look like you smeared glue on your torso and rolled around the appliance shelf at Bed Bath Beyond. Fine, here’s a video of a guy trying to look suave while sporting a more modern wearable computer system:
Here you go, ladies:
They’re also claiming to make the keyboard obsolete — more on that claim in a bit. Again, by making you look like this:
Yep, that’s exactly how I want to look when I’m out in public. Giant mechanical arm/screen hanging off the side of my head. Fingers curled in black wires. Miniature computer attached to my belt like a fanny pack. Completely shut off from the world around me.
Note the caption. Yes, I barely noticed the sociopath eating alone, constantly tapping his fingers like an OCD case. Now, about those keyboards …
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“Stick around, Data, I want to show you what human love looks like.”
Let it be known: I hate Reavers.
“Come here, quick. It’s hiccuping.”
It also looks like there was a bad drought when she was 13.
“I’m ordering now. What does everybody want?”
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No Holds Barred is a movie about pro wrestling where pro wrestling is real. This requires the viewer to suspend his or her disbelief in two different directions at once. It’s like closing your eyes and pretending your wife is someone else, and that someone else is pretending they’re not Batman. All of Hulk Hogan’s movies have an extra layer like that. For instance, Mr. Nanny was an allegory for matriarchal societies and in Suburban Commando, he was a talking dog fire chief the entire time. Deal with that, your mind.
It’s hard to say why someone made The Pumpkin Karver. It’s a slasher film set on a farm where teenagers are partying and a grumpy old man enjoys carving pumpkins. They live in a world where scratching faces into pumpkins is some kind of dynamic field of art, so most of the dialog is about pumpkin carving. The teenagers eventually get stalked by a supernatural ghost monster, who now that I think about, is the one character in the movie that has no interest in pumpkin carving. It’s bizarre in stupid, confusing, childish ways. It feels like the filmmaker threw a movie together as an excuse for why he got caught carving dickholes into 3,000 pumpkins.
The miserable failure mumbles out a series of anti-jokes as he starts peeing. Most people would stop this once a mysterious stranger starts knifing them in the back, but not Toga Teen #2. He stands perfectly still, continues peeing and wonders who might be responsible for all that knifing. Three chops and half a minute later, the murderer, who is probably as confused by the guy’s reaction as the audience is, switches to a new weapon and slices his head off. The head falls directly into what is now a record-breakingly sustained stream of pee. Pumpkin Karver had to really work to get there, but it made it — this dead A****** was peeing into his own mouth!
In the early days of planned parenthood, abortions were performed by putting your babies into a maze and letting The Minotaur devour their innocence. It’s how the tradition of abortion doctors wearing the heads of bulls got started. The film Minotaur tried to capture this whimsy but missed. The dialog is so clumsy and insane that it feels like the actors are trading lines they overheard from hobo conversations. Plus, it’s set back in the time of minotaurs, so everyone has his or her own version of a fruity half-British Renaissance Faire accent. One of the most common misunderstandings in Hollywood is that when an actor hears the words “period piece” he thinks, “Oh, like I’m having my period. Cool, I can talk like that. Hark! Wherefore shan’t there be a cock upon mine lips?”
When The Minotaur finally shows up, it’s totally worth the wait. The Minotaur may suck in every other possible way, but he has seen 
