NiniaPimp Magazine

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? If you’ve got an example of your Parents Just Dont Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God well never be as dumb as they are!

My dad’s first status on Facebook was, “Not much,” answering the question, “What’s on your mind?”
K D

Back in 5th grade, I was typing up a story on the library computer. The librarian made clear I was only allowed to type, not play games, so I was surprised when she started hollering at me for playing Super Mario on the computer. Why? I was typing the words “Super Mario” in a large font into Word.
Alex Sorkin

I was telling my mom about a funny movie I watched on youtube and told her she should watch it too. She said that she’d watch it on her phone and I told her that would be annoying because it’s a normal length movie and she should just watch it on the computer.
She replied with, “You can watch youtube videos on the computer?”
Jess Smith from FGCU

My grandma called me up to ask me the phone number to call twitter so that they could sign her up for a “twittering account.”
Jenn H.

Well. I work at my college’s help desk, and I just finished “helping” a lady who had an interesting problem. I thought I heard the new lab worker incorrectly, but I went over to help. For some reason, the word document/s she had saved in her My Documents folder at home weren’t showing up in her My Documents folder here in the computer lab. She was honestly confused by this.
Calvin H

My mom thinks her wireless router is inside my laptop. And I live 2 states away. We just bought her router and my laptop at the same time. Anytime her internet goes out she calls me and yells at me to turn it back on.
Nikki Trummer

My mom always yells at my brother for “breaking the internet”, when really he is just resetting the router or something… So one day she is trying to send an email and starts yelling for/at my brother, he wasn’t home so I went to see what the problem was: she had written an email in Microsoft Word and didn’t understand why it wouldn’t send.
Laura Farbo from Franklin and Marshall

I was having problems with a program on my computer at work. My boss told me to shut it down, so I did that. She informed me that while it was shutting down I needed to hold the power button on the tower “So that you can turn it off right at the electricity.” What?
Brittney O from MSU

My professor sometimes gives online lectures where we listen to her speak and we can type questions to her throughout the lecture. A classmate wrote that she couldn’t hear anything the professor was saying. The professor proceeded to speak the instructions on how to fix the issue. I’m not sure that the issue was ever resolved…
Sam Levine from Hunter College

My best friend’s sister just had a baby and posted pictures on Facebook. Their grandmother’s status has been the sister’s name more than 6 times in the past week.
Kelsey Fox from SUNY Geneseo

Submit yours here!

Brain: Ok people, it’s getting late. I’m shutting the systems down. Everyone ready?

Legs: Sorry, not tired.

Brain: Come on, legs. We’ve got work in eight hours. How are you not tired?

Legs: Maybe if someone had gone running today—you know, like he said he was going to this morning—I’d be tired. But he didn’t, so the most use I got was walking from the desk to the vending machine three times, so I’m not tired.

Brain: Look, legs, I’m sorry. We’ve had a lot going on lately; there just hasn’t been that much time.

Legs: Oh, right, there’s been so much going on. The Ace of Cakes marathon, the Law and Order marathon, the King of Queens marathon…Christ, you don’t even like that last one! You spent the whole time making fun of Kevin James!

Brain: Our roommates need to know how great we are at mocking pop culture! If you can think of a better way to do that, be my guest.

Legs: You used to read books, brain.

Brain: Look, if we get enough sleep tonight, we can go running tomorrow, ok? But for now, let’s just go to bed.

Eyes: Hey, why did we go to the vending machine three times today anyway?

Mouth: We were looking for Bugles. Thought they might have restocked the supply sometime during the afternoon.

Legs: Has that happened before? Has that ever happened? Even once?!

Mouth: Hey, today might have been the day!

Brain: Seriously, eyes? Why did you have to get them started?

Eyes: Penis told me if I found a way to keep looking at the Scarlett Johansson poster instead of closing he would give me a dollar.

Brain: Penis…

Penis: Too late. Already up. Not going back to sleep anytime soon. Let’s invite a girl over.

Brain: It’s 11:30. On a Tuesday.

Penis: What, so prostitutes don’t work on Tuesdays anymore?

Brain: sigh Hands, can you take care of this?

Hands: Yeah, yeah, just gimme a second.

Legs: I’m just saying, if it had ever happened before—if the vending machine had ever gotten a second shipment of Bugles midday—I could understand the multiple checks. But we’ve been working there for three years! And it’s never happened!

Hands: All done.

Brain: Wow, nice work! That was fast.

Penis: No, no it wasn’t. It took a perfectly…normal amount of time…average is actually just like…like three…minutes…zzz…

Brain: Ok, so we’re good now, right?

Ears: Wait, can we put some soothing sounds on first? Like babbling brook? Or Justin Bieber?

Brain: Come on, ears. You know what babbling brook makes the little guy have to do. And I’m really tired of having so many Bieber dreams.

Penis: …zzz…not little…perfectly normal sized…zzz…

Ears: But it helps me! Right now all I can hear is our roommates, and they’re still watching King of Queens!

Brain: More like King of Cuisine, right? Because Kevin James is so fat? Oh man, I have got to remember that one for the next marathon!

Ears: Can you just put some soothing sounds on?

Brain: Fine. Hands, be ready to write that ‘cuisine’ comment down first thing in the morning before we forget.

(The body gently drifts off into sleep)

Justin Bieber: Sup, guy? You ready to win the Stanley Cup?

Brain: Damn it…

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 7 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

One of my roommates was what you would call a facebook troll. Just sit on facebook for hours looking at and commenting on whatever he could. One day he took it to far and liked EVERYTHING on my page. I had about 100 notifications and decided I had to do something. About a week later I went out and bought 300 sticky notes, and wrote “like” on all of them. Then I posted them on every single item in his room and his things in the bathroom too. Across one of his walls I spelled out LIKE using about 100 sticky notes. He was pissed when he got home and had to take it all down but he learned his lesson and never trolled on my wall again.
Jon K.

Our school is one of the most haunted in the country, especially the freshman dorms. So thanks to my sorority twin and her glow in the dark paint, I wrote on the wall above my roommate’s bed, “Wanna Play?”. The next night, I spent the night with my boyfriend, but the day after all the girls in my hall told me the story that she came running out of the room, crying and screaming and pounding on the R.A.‘s door, flipping out. When the R.A. told her it was probably me who did it, she claimed that I “would never do that, she’s too nice.” and she didn’t sleep in our room for 2 weeks. Fortunately, she dropped out to join the military and got rejected twice, and I haven’t spoken to her since. So much for me being too nice, huh?
M.L. from FSC

I am responsible for the vast majority of the pranks that befell you this past year. They include, but are not limited to: sewing all your socks into one long chain, shortsheeting your bed, mixing blue dye into your shampoo, putting dog food in your leftovers, switching the sugar and salt, super gluing your shoes to the floor, rearranging your furniture, hiding frogs in your drawers, and so on. You never actually fixated on a target for the blame for the pranks. But seriously, what did you expect from a bored pre-med student that the RA calls “Hawkeye”, especially when you’re so stuck up and uptight?
Hawkeye

Hey Hannah, remember how you were constantly critiquing what I ate, what I wore, and just in general telling me I was a fat slob. Well my mom was a tailor, so when you went spent the night at your boyfriends I used the floor sewing machine to slightly let out your pants. Just a little every few weeks. Eventually I had let them all out an inch or so, but they never got any bigger on you. You just kept filling them in. That is why when you go to the mall you have to go up size. If you keep it up I’ll do the same to your new pants too.
Ren M. from IU

So I was recently at a party when I decided through being bored/drunk/a moron in general, to take a piss in the upper tank of the toilet so subsequent party-goers would find more piss coming out when they flushed. Sounds like a straight forward prank right? Well it would have been except this was my own house. I really have no idea why I do these things.
Bob W.

I moved in with my buddy and his parents 2 months ago while I save up for school in the fall. He’s a chill dude but when he plays hockey on the ps3 and scores a goal I can hear him go ape shit and call his mom all the time. “MOM!! COME SEE THIS GOAL!! MOOOOMMMMMMM!!! HURRY YOUR GOING TO MISS IT!.” This guy is 26.
Nik

My roommate thinks it’s OK to leave nasty ass shits in the toilet and not flush at all (let’s just say she takes “if it’s yellow let it mellow” to a whole new level). The smell in our room is disgusting, and the smell of warm, rotting piss. To get revenge I replaced all of her word documents with pictures of her nasty shits, and saved them to random places on her computer, too bad she never reads her work right before she emails it. Hope you’ll think twice before leaving your number two for me to find.
Margaret P.

Submit yours here!

Teenagers

Hey Jerry, thanks again for the script; this idea has a lot of promise and we’re all excited to work on it. Shows about teenagers do well and that points to some successful numbers. The only problems I see is that rather than stick to a conventional narrative or story-arc you seemed to throw those tropes to the wind; you specified that these four teenagers live in a sewer, heavily armed. Why? And where are the parents?

Once we trouble-shoot some of those issues and get a title, I think we may have a real winner here, and the timing truly couldn’t be better.

Turtles

Turtles aren’t a good building-block for a kids show, Jerry. They’re just not an exciting animal, and even the shows focused on animals in general use the animals as placeholders, you know, they make personified animals that talk and dance and all that jazz. No one has a three-camera sitcom focused on actual living turtles.

This is a major step back from your first pitch.

If I had to pinpoint one problem, I’d note that it’s off-putting that, despite the show’s rigid accuracy and educational bent, you easily dedicate half the show to the four turtles’ obsession with pizza. This could be endearing in theory, but it’s a strange choice to push this angle when they are clearly forced to eat the pizza against their will, miniscule jaws ruled by tiny little strings making them chomp down on bites as their little turtle eyes dart around in mortal terror.

Furthermore, marshmallow-and-anchovy pizza isn’t a thing, Jerry. Have you ever even had pizza?

Let’s stick with what works, okay? Teenagers, sitcom, bing bam boom.

Mutant Turtles

I can’t stress this enough Jerry: no one likes turtles. It isn’t enough to “spice them up” by making them horribly radiated, and frankly, it’s more than a little insensitive. I’m also seriously concerned as to how you could find so many deformed turtles on such short notice for the pilot, which, it should be noted, was in no way approved for shooting. No audience is going to be enamored with live turtles doing turtle thing, and none of those issues are fixed now that they’re watching sickly turtles flop around on extra legs trying to escape the pizza which, once again, they clearly aren’t interested in.

This is the stuff of nightmares, Jerry. Get back to the teenager pitch. This is a really important time for all of us.

Teenage Turtles

This isn’t what I had in mind. Not even close. You just gave the turtles little hats and put them on skateboards. Adorable or not, that simply can’t carry a show let alone make it the “critically acclaimed phenomenon” you have the chutzpah to claim it will be.

You know what? No turtles. I can’t be any clearer than that.

Teenage Mutants

Okay, so we’re still in the woods here, but I’m glad we’re finally reigning this sucker in.

First note: having the characters discuss “teenage issues” as you mentioned is a good start toward fleshing out the characters, but not when those issues are exclusively pertaining to ninjas. Why do they care so much? Are they ninjas too? And the closer we could get to “mutant” meaning “cool” or “super” instead of “sick” or “really sick” is the closer we as a network are to having a new show on the air that honestly, really has to succeed.

On a different note, these aren’t really great titles for shows, generally. And your theme music for each has just been you repeatedly yelling the title of each show to monotonous music: let’s be sure to fix that if any of these pitches move on.

And teenagers shouldn’t need strings to make them eat pizza. What kind of pizza are you making here?

Please just write a normal show. We need a success, okay? It’s a very… serious time for me. I can’t get be more specific than that.

Teenage Mutant Ninjas

Okay, so I guess they really are ninjas now. Just to be clear though, I wasn’t asking before if they were ninjas in a sort of “oh, wouldn’t it be nifty” way, but more in a “is this man serious with my livelihood right now” way. I do not want them to be ninjas. I do not want them to be mutants. I want a simple, normal show about teenagers. Also, somewhere along the line you decided to make the show animated, so we wouldn’t have to worry about finding “Charismatic but horribly mutated actors” as you phrased it. Bravo, Jerry, bravo. This is a step I would have endorsed back when you were forcing barely conscious two-headed mutant-turtles to eat pizza.

And seriously, where did you even get those things? You were gone for like, thirty minutes, tops.

This is our last chance, Jerry. I mean it. Time is running out.

Famous Renaissance Artist Team

Okay, this…we can work with this, I guess.

First problem though: too artsy. No kids today would watch a program centered on Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo. And even if they did, why are they still living in a sewer? Sewers are not a normal place for people to live, Jerry, let alone 16th century artists who somehow fight crime. And ninjas. Why are the ninjas still here? We need a hit, Jerry, we need one. Do you understand me? I need this. It’s hard to explain, but-

Famous Renaissance Artists As Ninjas, Mutants

No. What is wrong with you? I am desperate and-

Famous Renaissance Artists As Teenage Turtles

Okay Jerry, listen up: I’m in some serious debt to some serious people and I am running out of time, so understand this: if your next pitch isn’t the most brilliant idea in television history, I swear, I will take a gun and kill you right where you stand. I want you to think long and hard about this next idea is, and I want you to ask yourself two questions: I want you to ask yourself “is this an idea I would bet my life on right now?” and “does this idea involve turtles” because chances are Jerry, the answer to both those questions isn’t going to be “yes.”

Oh, it is? To both? No, okay, you know what? Tell me. Go ahead, tell me. I could use a good laugh about now. So tell me, Jerry, what could possibly be your “one last pitch save the day?”

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

My, now ex, girlfriend picked a fight four months into the relationship citing the reason we hadn’t had a fight in four months of dating.
B

Everyday, I send my girlfriend updates of when and where I’m pooping.
John M

This morning my girlfriend mentioned how every time she turns away from me she is afraid I will slap her on the ass (which I usually do). This prompted both of us to go into a 5 minute impromptu parody of Total Eclipse of the Heart – “Turn around, every time I do I get a little bit worried that your gonna slap my ass” etc
M

My girlfriend got mad because I told her that I didn’t want to hear about her vaginal infection.
R B

In issue 106, Cristina T stated she lost her virginity while watching Blades of Glory. Not to one-up her, but I lost mine while watching Man vs. Food…She told me to go down on her, being the first time I’ve gone down on a girl i imagined eating the food in the show, and went to work. She later told me it was the best fillacio she had ever gotten.
BK

I make a killer chili that my boyfriend loves. We take turns on who chops the peppers because whoever does inevitably forgets and rubs it into their eyes later, which hurts like hell. Well, he chopped the peppers that night, and later, as we were playing around, I suddenly felt an extremely painful burning sensation in my tenderest nether region. I shoved his hands away, he asked what was wrong, and I screamed “Chili peppers!! On your hands!!” and ran into the bathroom, where I wet a facecloth and held it to my flaming canoe for a good fifteen minutes before it started to numb. It was a zesty night. Enjoy chili responsibly.
Mandy A

My boyfriend likes to make “DJ noises” of scratching a record. He does this while making the action of scratching on my boob.
Michelle H

My girlfriend thought testicles made a “crunch” noise when they are touched.
Brandon D

My wife and I love reading this section, so I decided to send in a married couples gut buster that’s sure to be on par with your “Dating, It’s Complicated” submissions! One time, my wife gave birth to our first son, she required 15 stitches, wore diapers for the next month and needed “help” [read: I had to do it] applying hemorrhoid cream…. it wasn’t funny….. not to anyone.
Edwin P

Submit yours here!

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? If you’ve got an example of your Parents Just Dont Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God well never be as dumb as they are!

I recently moved and changed internet service providers. My mom’s boyfriend was trying to find his router so I could hook it up. After a few minutes of rummaging around, I hear, “Here, isn’t this it?” I look up and he tries to hand me an electric pencil sharpener.
Colby Reynolds

When my mom first got Facebook, she put in a different city and birth date because she didn’t want people “finding out her information.” Her first status? Her cell phone number.
Asha Gwin

My mom gave me her iPhone because the screen “moved too much.”
David Teodoro from Hiram High School

My dad thinks that pandora searches the internet to find different radio stations around the country playing the type of music you requested.
Tony W.

My 5 year-old nephew is showing my dad how to use his iPad.
anon ymas

Georgetown gave me an identification number to present when I showed up for my guided tour, and I wrote it on a little piece of paper. When it was time to actually go to DC, I decided that since most of my memos about the trip and scheduled events were on my phone, I should just fold up the piece of paper and slip it in between my phone and phone case. My mother, fascinated by my smart phone, kept asking me to find different pieces of information that I had stored on it, and eventually she asked about the identification number. When she did, I sarcastically said, “Hold on, let me do something super-technical with my phone,” and pulled out the folded piece of paper, at which point she shrieked: “DID YOU JUST PRINT IT OUT?!”
Grace Elizabeth Hamilton-Vargo III

My boss’ bookmarks are all Google search pages.
Tyson Conner

I often browse a number of different news websites simultaneously. Today, after reading a headline from a non-local source about a possible tornado in my city, I switched to the local newspaper website to get more details. I told my mom about this, to which she replied “How is that possible?! The newspaper doesn’t get published until the morning!” After explaining that I was on the live website, she followed up with “Oh I get it, they published an early edition for you!”… Wow, Mom…
Kim E.

My grandmother sent me a birthday card and on the inside wrote that her wireless internet wasn’t working, so she called the cable company but they weren’t very much help.
B B from Ohio State

I just found out that my dad, who totally understands technology and texts constantly, thinks that LOL means Laugh Out Later.
Lynn Marks

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 7 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

Yaarden, I was the one that deflated your air mattress that you slept on instead of a real bed. I was wielding your Claymore sword around in your room and clipped it. A thousand apologies, bro.
Mike B. from UWO

Dear roommate, because you insist that MY flat screen TV and xbox are yours to enjoy whenever and for however long you please — even when I ask you if I can use them politely after you’ve watched your fourth installment of Grey’s Anatomy for the evening — I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. I put all the MAC addresses for my devices into our router. When you piss me off I enable MAC address filtering, causing you to get booted from the internet. I wait until you get so frustrated—after playing with the router for hours—that you decide to call our cable provider. Once you get on the phone with customer service, I disable the MAC address filtering on our router, and tada, you have internet again! This way tech support doesn’t ask you to pull up our router settings and clue you in on what I’ve done.
Johnny Doe

I know I always tease you for snoring like a disgusting trucker but I am secretly thankful that you do, so I always know when to masturbate. My vagina thanks you.
Anon Y. Mous

Last year, me and 3 other guys from my hometown decided to rent out a house together up at school. We had a blast, and for the most part we didn’t have any big fights and got along pretty well. The only thing that pissed me and two of the other guys off was how much of a pig the fourth roommate was. All year he probably did about one load of dishes, and would sleep in while the rest of us spent cleaning up from the night before. While not being a huge deal at the time, it slowly started EATING AWAY AT MY SOUL (I’ll admit, I like to keep the place pretty clean) so I decided to do the most passive-aggressive thing I could think of for payback. To this day, whenever I feel stressed out, I call him restricted and play “Never Going to Give You Up” while he shouts into the phone, “STOP CALLING ME YOU F**KING PR*CK I’M GOING TO HAVE VORIZON AND TRACE YOUR NUMBER”. The kicker is I know he’s way too lazy to ever go through all that effort, so I don’t really have anything to worry about.
Pat S. from Toledo

I share an apartment with three other people and two of them are fine apart from one. This roommate was a complete asshole who would just do all this passive aggressive crap to try get me to react and eventually kicked out of our apartment. So one day I find out from my girlfriend that he was trying to hit on her one night, this is when I decided enough was enough, and I came up with an idea to get back at him. No, I didn’t piss in his shampoo. No, I didn’t clean the toilet with his toothbrush, but what I did do was sucker punch him as he stepped out of the shower and broke his nose. After that night he didn’t come back for several weeks and even then it was to collect his things to move in with his parents.

I don’t do passive aggressive.
Grant J.

I was living with 4 very messy guys my first year at university and tolerated most of their quirks; the french exchange student sleeping on a mattress he found down the street and leaving cartons of milk in his room for days on end, the weird night time creeper, the raging man-whore, and the asshole douchebag (only way to describe him). I cleaned the house all the time, and it still looked like several garbage bombs went off so I asked the guys to help maintain the house, to no avail. Second request was met with snorts and rolled eyes. The third time I said they best clean their crap up or they won’t like what happens next. And they made a mess. So I put Meatloaf’s Greatest Hits on repeat, cranked it and locked my door. When I checked my cell I had 20 missed calls begging to come home and turn it off. I stayed at a friends house that night and came home to a living room full of bleary eyed maids for the rest of the year.
Elia S. from York University

I never went to college and rather went straight to working at a gigantic software company as a Server admin, nevertheless I have a few confessions. (I can say all this now that I work at a new company)

To the users I supported:
The seemingly random times it took for me to complete your server deployment wasn’t because of technical issues; it was taking longer than it should because you were being a dick, conversely if you came to my desk and chatted for a bit acting like a human being your stuff would get done faster, Or if you bought me lunch, expect that shit to be done by the end of the day

To my boss:
I faked the logs on the power system, the data analysis super-computer didn’t go down because of a power failure, I accidentally hit the emergency power off switch while having sex with my girlfriend in the datacenter (Large computers make her hot).

To security:
Yeah, I was bringing my girlfriend into the building after hours and into high-security areas (no she doesn’t work there, and no I never got her a visitor pass)
Server Monkey from Massive Software company

Submit yours here!

1. Google Tunes

Google’s very own open-source music store. Google Tunes is the first music service ever that pays nothing to the artist and charges nothing to the customer; As a result customers have every reason to use it and any remotely legitimate artist has none, allowing Google Tunes to remain perpetually “underground” and full of artists you’ve probably never even heard of. Currently Google Tunes is invite only, but we hope to make it open to the public just in time for it to not be cool anymore.

2. Google Filters

Google Filters can be used to visually remove content you don’t like from the webpages you view based on keywords. All the data acquired by users will be thoroughly logged and used to generate searchable statistics that embarrass geographic cross sections of the country (i.e. 45% of Floridians block the word “gay”, while 60% of New Yorkers block the word “Red Sox”) This statistics collection will be known as Google Bugaboos.

3. Google Dangersearch

A new way to search for terrifyingly awful images on the web! Dangersearch turns off safe search and uses your custom dignity settings to find only the most rancid pieces of pikachu fetish art available! This service is only available to Internet users over the age of 18 and 13-year-olds with really cool moms that don’t care.

4. Google Minus

A return to the simpler, minimalist days of Google. Google Minus acts as a place for you to unwind after a long, exciting day full of using Google products.The search bar has been removed and replaced with a soothing surplus of white space. As an added bonus, nothing on this page is even clickable.

5. Twoogle

Double the search bars, half the searching time! Twoogle allows you to search for two distinct subjects at once, and then compare and contrast your results. If you’re feeling extra lucky, try a Troogle, Quadroogle, or even Pentoogle search! Actually, we bought every domain name that ends in “-oogle” so knock yourself out.

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? If you’ve got an example of your Parents Just Dont Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God well never be as dumb as they are!

Right after giving birth to my first child, my mother called me at the hospital. After congratulating me and asking the sex of the baby (boy), she asked if I could walk her through the steps of getting her mail on her iPad.
Helga B

Tonight, at dinner, my dad dropped quite the awkward bombshell. “Your mom gave me a booty call today at work!” Everyone stared at him silently with various mixtures of disgust and confusion passing across their faces. “You know, she dialed the phone in her pocket!”
Melinda T

My Mother deleted everything off her facebook wall to make the internet faster.
Amy Boulanger

My dad just got a new Verizon Blackberry. He had a Sprint Blackberry before. He doesn’t like any of the ringtone options on his new blackberry so he has recorded himself saying “ring ring ring ring ring” and so on. He then recorded all of his other ringtones on his sprint phone and saved them on his blackberry…
Olivia K

My aunt teaches computer science but she uses Internet Explorer.
C R from Sarah Lawrence

Today my grandma asked me to look up a book for her on the iPad bookstore. She had just paid 6 dollars for a paperback at a regular store. Well, I looked it up and told her it was 10 dollars for the iPad version. She than said “Oh why is it so much more? It must be the HARDBACK version”……. I told her no, it didnt have a back because it was on an IPAD!
Richmond Nelson

My mom complains she cant hear her phone because her ringtone is wearing out.
Sen. C

I recently changed my home computer’s homepage from Google to Blackle to save energy. My mom only finds websites by typing them into the Google search bar, but when she saw that my homepage was different, she asked “Where are you hiding Google?”
Anoop B

My dad went to the Apple store to buy iPads for my sister, brother and me for Hanukkah. While he was waiting to be helped he saw some people using theirs and then asked a guy which was better—the horizontal one or the vertical one.
Rachel L.

This Week’s Good Son Gift Award goes to:
Last X-mas I gave my mother a notebook with step by step directions on how to use netflix, her HDTV, and DVR, complete with illustrations. She still calls me with questions but now all I have to say is “Mom, turn to page X.”
Jason S from WSU

Submit yours here!

Ever have a funny/interesting/awesome run in with the law? Want to incriminate yourself on a worldwide-scale? Submit your stories to IFoughtTheLawAndDidOrDidNotWin at gmail.

It was a rainy night, and I decided to go to Taco Bell where I knew a bunch of the workers. While I was chit chatting, a couple cop cars went through the drive through. We figured they were hungry, but then another cop car came in and blocked the entrance, another blocked the exit and two more drove up on the lawn. Curious as to what was going on, all the employees stepped out from behind the counter to try and see what was happening outside. Before we knew it, cops started rushing in and yelling, “GET OVER HERE!” repeatedly. One employee asked, “Is there a problem?” but was ignored and continued to yell. I felt as if they were all yelling at me, so I asked if it was me. I then looked over my shoulder and realized I was wearing my umbrella that looks a lot like a sword. I put it down and walked towards the cops, unarmed, and they had me put my hands on the glass, patted me down (gently), and heard them confirm that they had the weapon. They were very mad when they found out it wasn’t a weapon, but just an umbrella that I was using for the rain that was pouring down outside. I am now known as the sword wielding maniac that tried to rob Taco Bell.
-Robert

In high school, I took a national German exam and basically won a trip because of my marks. So, I had to fly over to Germany. While going through airport carry-on security, I had forgotten to take out some stuff in the unknown depths of cargo-shorts pockets. Naturally, this set off body-scanner thing, and the guy asked me to step through. He said he needed to see what was in my pockets. I reached for my pockets to see if I had anything in there, but that always freaks out cops and TSA agents, so he came forth and grabbed my hands. As he was pulling objects out of my pockets, he found the Rubik’s cube I was so obsessed with at the time (3×3). So he asked, “Wait…can you really solve this thing?” “Uh…yeah?” “Wait, I’ll get a timer!” I solved it in like 30 seconds and him and his other TSA buddies were so impressed that they just let me go. Whether I should feel insulted or proud, I still don’t know.
-Matt

A little over a year ago a small-town police officer pulled me over while I was driving to school. The road was deserted, so he must have been bored. I typically forget to carry insurance with me while driving, and as a consequence I’m always leery around law enforcement. Even though I had my insurance on me this particular day, I was shaking. The officer pulled me over to ensure I had my seatbelt on, but when he saw me shaking he thought I was either using drugs or transporting something illegal. He asked if he could search me and the car, and this fascinated me. I generally drive under the speed limit and no one would ever suspect me of breaking the law, so I’d never been frisked before. I let him do it, and we chatted while he searched. He wanted to know why I was so nervous around authority figures, and while I tried to tell him I usually avoided confrontation, I think I came off as a crazy person who lives in the woods and doesn’t interact with anyone. I then remembered my backpack had several collections of essays by anarchist Emma Goldman, as well as a few gangster movies including Denzel Washington’s American Gangster. The officer found both, and as it turns out he’s a big fan of American Gangster. Fortunately he didn’t find Goldman too suspicious. He bid me a good day and I continued on my way.
-Stephen

When I was 16 I was driving around with some friends in my 1984 Grand Wagoneer with a 6 inch lift on it, hard to miss. One day I decided it would be fun to drive 50 in a 35 and run two, four-way stop signs. As I passed the second stop sign I noticed a police car was stopped going the opposite direction. I immediately took a right and went about a block and parked in someones driveway where there was already two cars parked there. I cowardly sunk into my seat and made my friends hide on the floor. The officer passed twice, I guess he didn’t seem to notice that burnt orange eye sore I was driving. After about half an hour I went home making sure not to run any stop signs.
-Wallace

I’ve been living on my own for a few years now off at college. This summer I decided to come back home and live with my very anal parents just to save some cash. When I say my dad is anal, I mean he has anxiety problems and just gets worked up about everything. Well one day my parents and I were heading to eat and my dad offered to drive. This is the first time in over a year I have ridden with him. A few miles down the road we get pulled over and my dad tries to put his seat belt on really quick. A very very young Cop comes to the window and asks my father to be honest whether or not he was wearing it before. My father is now dripping with sweat and probably about to faint at the hint of possibly getting in trouble with the law. The cop obviously notices my father’s strange discomfort and goes back to his cruiser to “check my dad’s record”. He comes back with his hand touching his holster and asks my father to please exit the vehicle because there is a warrant for his arrest. (My father has never ever done anything even remotely seen as bad) my stuttering, sweating father exits the vehicle and the cop acts like he’s about to put cuffs on him. Then he starts laughing and immediately apologizes for the joke and tells my dad he’ll forget the whole seat belt thing if he is a good sport about the joke. My dad finally takes a breath and says deal and we go on our way. My dad won’t even sit in the drivers seat without a seat belt now.
-Avery