NiniaPimp Magazine

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? If you’ve got an example of your Parents Just Dont Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God well never be as dumb as they are!

My dad recently discovered the Google search bar at the top of the browser. So now, he’s made a game of typing as few letters as he can into the search bar and seeing how long it takes Google to come up with what he’s looking for. The downside to this? If it doesn’t pop up within four letters, he get stressed out and convinced Google doesn’t have it.
Carly Harmon

Today, my mom was bragging about how she was impressed that she had the technical skill to figure out how to “hack” into my phone after twenty minutes of playing with it. In reality, she’d just figured out how to slide the unlock bar on my iPhone.
Meredith W from Providence College

I went to use my Dad’s computer today and noticed a notebook full of what looked like facebook notifications. I asked him about it and sure enough he has been writing down all his facebook notifications in this notebook so he “has them on file.”
SAM M from PSU

Today, my mom asked if she had an iPhone 2 or iPhone 3D
Taylor D

My mom is an Algebra teacher and one day while in her class she complained that her laptop wouldn’t display on the projector. After a minute or two of frustration she called in one of the school’s tech staff…who promptly explained that her only problem was an “air gap” and proceeded to plug her laptop up to the projector.
Daniel Neely from HU

My father, after watching Deathly Hallows pt. 2, asked me who “that guy without the nose” was.
Domi D

I recently received an email from my grandmother warning me that if I didn’t remove my pictures from Facebook, a virus would be able to hack into my account and steal my social security number. What?
Sean Y

My dad only uses the computer to play poker and for some reason whenever I get on after him caps lock is always on, no idea why. He also thinks it costs money to listen to songs off your itunes library.
Mike Honcho

My mom and her boss could not figure out how to get out of a video that was in full screen, so they unplugged their computer for the day.
casey butler

My girlfriend’s mom refuses to show her face on Skype because she doesn’t want the computer to put her on YouTube for everybody to download.
Michael Engle from McGill

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 7 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

You were a horrible roommate. You were always smoking in the room and never cleaning up anything that you left on the floor. So I filled all the toilets in the apartment with green dye. Than number I gave you to call about plumbers was my friend, when he told you it might have been pipe leakage you freaked out and bought us all new toilets just so you wouldnt have to worry about the landlady. Thanks for the new toilets bro!
J.B.

Hey “D”, we all know it was you who stole our rent money. We also know you stole microphones and other stuff from the band room before you suddenly moved out after we filed a police report. We also know that you remote-deleted our voicemail messages; but it seemed you stopped checking after a month or so, and that’s when the police called and left a message to let us know the results of the polygraph — that you actually, stupidly, volunteered for — confirmed what we knew all along. But that’s okay, we found your stash of homemade porn. You know, the ones where you’d bring drunk ditch-pigs to our house from the bar and shag them on camera. We thought we would do the public a service by plastering frame-grabs all over the washrooms at the clubs. Just in case you were wondering why everyone was laughing at you. Hope you’re enjoying the dry spell, douchebag.
G.R.

One night during my soph year, a friend and I had each brought a guy back from a green frat to my dormroom. Needless to say, there were a-many condoms strewn across said room after, which we picked up afterwards. My dearest, sheltered roomie always went home on the weekends, so I got away with doing shit like this. Unfortunately, when she returned Sunday night, she found a used one on her side. By the time I got back from work, she practically was moved out of the room before I could explain to her and the RA that I “won” a box of condoms from the drag show and were blowing them up for shits and giggles. Guess we forgot to pick that one up when we cleaned up. Sorry love!
Anonymous from UE

Two months after school started you turned into this psycho bitch. You were always ranting about how I never slept in my own bed, because I was screwing around with everyone (I had a boyfriend so it wasn’t everyone). You would say how God wouldn’t be too happy with me and you’d always leave Bible passages by my bed. I’d tell you that I do believe in God, and you’d always call me a liar, which was also another sin. You’d always call me a slut under your breath, and I really didn’t care. Then you went around telling everyone that I was a slut. You even had the audacity to write it on our roommate board outside of our room. Enough was enough! I remember you telling me stories about you and your twin brother, how close you were, and how you told each other everything. How religious your family was and how your dad was a pastor. You told me that you and your brother were both virgins and I took full advantages of that. I went on a couple of dates with him, which really pissed you off, because you didn’t want him to hang out with a girl like me. Then after awhile me and your brother slept together. Oh and FYI I’m not the one who insisted, he was. Just so you know now me and your brother have sex regularly. Even some times in your bed. See I might be a slut, but now your brother is too! I hope he tell told you everything!
Kayla M from MSU

This is a story about how I was pranked. Freshmen year there was a girl living in the room next to me (co-ed dorms), with whom I would hang out with all the time. We were really good friends and one day I heard that she has a strange fear of socks. So as a joke, I forced socks onto her feet and she freaked out for some reason. She vowed to get me back and I didn’t listen. Big mistake. Now, I have arachnophobia, meaning I’m deathly afraid of spiders. So she got the key from my roommate, printed off hundreds of pictures of different spiders and tarantulas and the scariest pictures she could find on the internet, and put them everywhere in my room. Not a single thing was not covered; the walls, my desk, in my textbooks, in my clothes, everything. She waited for me to come home, watched as I walked in the room, and held the door closed when I screamed like a girl and tried to get out (although I was too scared to touch the door because there were spiders all over it). I was stuck in there for about a minute and practically crying. She said that if I tried to prank her back after that she would get a real tarantula and put it in my pillow. Let’s just say that she won.
Stephen M. from Syracuse University

Last semester I had a roommate who would always make me look bad in front of friends, especially really cute girls. When ever he gets invited to a party he always asks me for a ride because he doesn’t have a car. So one day while we were eating lunch a couple of girls invited him to a party. Later on that night he started whining about how his stomach hurts. I was in the bathroom showering when he came pounding on the door telling me to hurry because he had to take a major dump. I told him to wait, that I was almost done. He kept complaining and said he was gonna ask someone else. As soon as he ran out, I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the saran wrap and wrapped the toilet seat, knowing he wouldn’t look before he sat down. I went in the hall and told him I was out the shower. He pushed me out the way and ran into the bathroom. 10 seconds later he was yelling and I knew exactly why. He started yelling asking me to bring him so more toilet paper because I had taken it out. I stayed quiet so he’d think I had left the room. When he came out I took pictures of his butt covered in crap with my camera phone. I went to the party without him. When the girls asked where he was, I told them he had a wardrobe malfunction. He transferred out at the end of the semester out of fear that I had showed everyone his dirty mishap.
E.J. from Texas AM University

One of my roommates is a general bitch, she was nice to begin with but half way through semester she took a turn for the worst. She had this boyfriend that I and our other roommate really liked, she kept telling us her problems with him but would not break up with him. Needless to say my other roommate and I found out she was cheating on him with another guy. My other roommate and I decided to create an anonymous lover for her to fall over. We left flowers candies and poems for her in her inbox. She eventually left her boyfriend and her lover for the romantic lover. My friend and I had not forseen this so we left her a note saying that it was an accident and the notes and candies were meant to be for someother girl in our dorm. The two guys eventually found out about each other and thegirl hasn’t had a boyfriend since last year, I feel sort of bad but at the same time karma’s a major bitch innit?
Anonymous

Submit yours here!

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? If you’ve got an example of your Parents Just Dont Understanding, submit it here!
And thank God well never be as dumb as they are!

I was doing some tech support for some of my grandfather’s friends who have a family company. When I told them I was going to download Google Chrome so they could browse the internet faster (they were using Internet Explorer on amazingly old PCs!) one of them started screaming “NO! I don’t want my wallpaper to disappear!”. When I told him the browser had nothing to do with the wallpaper, he just kept screaming at me not to change the wallpaper…
Adam E

My parents just watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt.1 (we’re going to watch Pt.2 tomorrow) and all they’ve talked about, the only part that really amazed them, was the tent.
s c

My mom uses an AOL search bar because she says google “doesnt have the same websites.”
J B from RPI

I was setting up my grandparents new computer, and was bookmarking a few websites for them I know they visit often. I asked them if there were any other websites they would like for me to bookmark and my grandpa goes, “Make sure you bookmark the internet!”
…I just said, “Okay grandpa, will do.”
Amanda Garrett

My friend’s mom wrote, “Where are our New York photos? How is the food?” on his Facebook wall… 20 times.
Tim D from UNSW

After many occasions of my desktop freezing, I decided to buy a new laptop. Bringing it home, and showing my mom the replacement I found for our desktop, she says, “Ok, so I can cancel the internet if you don’t need that machine, right?” Confused, I asked her to explain. “You just bought that. It comes with its own internet, right?”
Mike Caraway

My mom used to work at an appraisal office, and she needed to move some stuff around in the office. She called a tech service to send someone to move her printer because she didn’t think she could “mess with all those plugs”. He came, unplugged the printer from the power outlet, moved it to another room, and plugged it back in. Just one plug. She said “Is that it?” and he replied “It’s wireless.”
Cait L from ORU

I was telling my mom that I don’t think my cousin uses her @Colorado.edu email address anymore because she graduated 4 years ago. My mom responded that she was going to try anyway since my cousin “just moved back to Colorado so she probably uses it now.”
Scott S

My mom wanted to find out the phone number to a store and didn’t know how to search it. I told her to go to google.com. She responded by getting really stressed because that wasn’t the store name.
anon ymous

While sitting down with my family and watching an episode of Big Bang Theory where Sheldon briefly discusses the differences between USB and FireWire, my mom asked me what USB stands for. When I told her that it’s “Universal Serial Bus” she asked me if the B stands for bus because that’s what you get if you rearrange the letters in USB.
C’mon Mom, really?
William O

Submit yours here!

Thank you for the meeting, gentlemen. I appreciate the extra effort it took to navigate through the back alleys to meet me, and if you would return those prepaid cell-phones you used to contact me, we can all get started.

I think my screenplay, Blog.0 has what it takes to make a real splash in the burgeoning northern-Indiana film scene. It took a lot of blood, cold sweats and tears to finish -a ton frankly- but I think it’s worth it. It’s special to me because it’s my realest work, unflinching in its truthful depictions of what really makes each and every one of us tick and completely snap today. I looked to my real life for inspiration and put together a script about, love, struggle, and the jarring effect of a murder on the already fragile psyche of an unemployed blogger with a harrowing goofball addiction.

Truth is every writer’s goal, and what could be more truthful than real life? Just take the third scene, right where Jason calls his brother for advice after his blog becomes internationally acclaimed and also to ask his brother if he still has that chainsaw, or at the very least, something saw-like lying around. Parts of that was based on a real call I had with my brother! Taking life experiences and finding the truth in them can really make your writing pop. I cannot stress enough, however, that the murder of Jason’s elderly and stupid jerk neighbor, old man Sullivan, is just a metaphor about, I don’t know, ambition or something.

I took some creative license with my own life to make the movie that much more relatable. For example, Jason’s loving and sexually compatible girlfriend, Raquel is based on that cute waitress at Denny’s, and old man Sullivan, whose repeated insistence that he didn’t have any goofballs pushed one failing blogger to the edge, is not based on anyone. That one was purely a fictional character, just like Goofball Vinny.

It’s best to write what you know as they always say, which is why I wrote about the emotional turmoil and moral ambiguity in the fast-paced world of competitive blogging. Though as far as the scene where Jason awakens from his goofball induced high to find old man Sullivan dead in the aftermath of an otherwise innocuous punching-contest goes, that’s more the exception to the rule. Just so we’re clear though, that refers to a literary rule and not any sort of “legal rule” or “law”.

I remember when I wrote that scene, actually: it was exactly between one and three AM on Thursday, February 18th, in a public venue. In fact, I was basically just writing there the whole time, for a few hours before and after too. It’s funny how those little details stick with you with absolute certainty.
I know what you’re thinking. “Man, writing this script has really taken an enormous toll on you”. It’s true. I’ve been a real shut-in writing this, watching marathons of CSI-strictly for entertainment purposes- and leaving only to pick up shovels and bleach, both for clothes, I guess. Why, I remind myself of old man Sullivan next door, who routinely doesn’t leave his apartment for weeks and often takes long unscheduled trips. What a guy, right?

The script also draws heavily on my experience at Vassar as a political cartoonist.

Overall I’d describe my script as very current; it deals with all the issues of the today’s blogging culture in a frank tone that makes it feel ripped from the headlines, so if anything in the screenplay sounds suspicious or hauntingly familiar with current events, it’s just the tone, okay?

Anyway, I hope you like it. If you’re in the market for anything else, I’m currently working on a very hastily assembled travel guide to Argentina.

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

One day at work we were having a really slow day and for some reason my co-worker decided that since I was planning on studying medicine I wanted to see her eczema. I really didn’t.
M I

I got a summer job at a Greek restaurant while home from college. A lady came in one day and placed an order for a German salad. My friend explained that we only serve Greek salads that come with “lettuce, tomato, olives, peppers, and feta cheese.” She insisted that was not what she wanted and asked for a German salad. My friend countered by offering her a “different” salad, telling her the same ingredients in reverse order: “feta cheese, peppers, olives, tomato, and lettuce.” She ordered that one instead.
Zach R

I work as a receptionist at a car dealership. Usually, my job is fairly easy but last weekend I managed to rub the skin off both my middle fingers and get splinter hemorrhages under four of my fingernails. What was I doing? Filing. Eight solid hours of filing.
Tori Routledge

I used to work for the state fair as a parking attendant. The job isn’t bad, it may be extremely hot out but you look hot girls in skimpy clothes all day and people offer you free beer. There is just one problem the only type of sh***er on the grounds is a johnny on the spot. Well I had to sh*t really bad one day at work and wouldn’t you believe those a**holes I work with tipped me over in the sh***er. i couldn’t go home to change or nothing and my shift lasted for another six hours.
Schuyler Holsten

I work at a tattoo studio. One day a huge scary looking biker guy came into the shop asking about a tattoo. I’m used to these kind of guys they usually get their skull tattoos or a slutty woman with big tits tattooed on them. On this occasion however, this guy asked about a cover-up. He lifted up his sleeve and showed me a tiny white unicorn tattoo. I tried my hardest not to laugh and said “Yeah okay…we can cover this easy. How about a skull or some tribal…” and he said (dead serious) “Oh no. I still want a unicorn. I just want a BETTER unicorn.” To this day this guy is riding out there somewhere with a Unicorn half sleeve.
Anon Ymous

I work at a local pizza place. One night, this enormous lady comes up to the counter and asks for a refund on a mostly-eaten pizza. She complained it was “too greasy to eat.” I then proceeded to explain to her that a pizza with 2X pepperoni, sausage, and bacon is bound to be greasy.
KB Abq NM

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 6 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

I’ve kept being gay from my roommate the entire semester. Not because it would weird him out or anything, but because I knew he would say, “Well as long as you don’t hit on me…” and the only truthful response I could give him would be, “Don’t flatter yourself. You are so unattractive and misshapen that I literally feel nauseous whenever I look at your face/manboobs.”
Tony D. from UCI

Even though we let you use all the plates, cutlery and cup that WE bought, you still don’t have the decency to wash them after you use it. Well we dipped all of it in a container of piss and have been eating out or on paper plates for the past two weeks.
Yassin A. from Carleton U

I was renting a room in this house with 2 other guys and my cousin’s boyfriend (she did not live there). One night she brought home a puppy. Like all puppies, they don’t come out of the womb potty trained. So, it shat on the floor a lot. It would do this even though she would be out of the house for several hours at a time. She would be surprised to find piles of dog shit everywhere in the house, and asked why I hadn’t taken the time to let the puppy outside. I explained to her that the puppy is her responsibility and not anyone else’s. Then she made a big deal about no one helping her potty train the dog, so I feed the dog exlax from time to time to teach her a lesson in responsibility.
Steven B.

My roommate is usually pretty cool about most things except that he has one weird hobby. he collects candles. This wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t light all 17 of them at once making our apartment smell like a New Orleans palm reading vendor. I moved all his candles in the fridge overnight making all his food taste like lavender and set his facebook statuses so that only I could see them. He stopped lighting candles and deleted his facebook out of loneliness. We still live together but now girls don’t think that I live in a monastery. Problem solved.
Nate P. from Texas AM

I’m like 95% sure I read about one of the people I live with offering her boyfriend a hand job while he was playing WoW. That frickin’ hilarious, but it’s weird to look at either of you with a straight face now.
Gurp

I used to room with this who loved computers and always seemed sketchy as shit to me. One day I overheard a conversation that he was going to put a key logger on a public computer and try and get peoples info, which was messed up in my opinion. So one day while he was in the shower I put a key logger on his computer (I’m not so bad with computers myself) and later had his log-in to his online bank account. To get back at him I signed up for porn sites, and ordered plenty of dildos under his name and with his money, which was linked to accounts under his parents names, and for the next 2 weeks all I hear is him and his parents arguing with each other about the “stunt” he pulled off. Take that for trying to steal other peoples info shit head!
Saidahk S. from CCSU

One roommate, Blake, went out of his way to be a dick to everyone in the house. He would turn off the furnace in the middle of winter (I slept in the basement), making the entire house freezing. Other times he would invite 20+ people over and leave the aftermath for days, if not over a week before we cleaned it out of the pure need to sustain living there. As Spring break approached he announced he was going to see his family and his girlfriend would be staying in his room. The day he left Blake decided to call the cable and garbage company and stop our service for the 7 days he would be gone. That night I invited people over to the house, introduced his girlfriend to drinking games and had sex with her in his bed, completely breaking the legs on the bed and knocked his computer off his desk (which was located right by the side of the bed). To top it off I wrote “I banged your girlfriend when you were gone” on his wall with silly string. The only downside is silly string stains walls and the message was there even after it was washed off, until the day my friend and I moved and painted over it. I found out in May of this year that the message eventually worked its way back through the paint and Blake had to switch rooms with the new roommates.
Patrick C. from Washington State University

Submit yours here!

Since 2000, bears have been responsible for 34 human deaths in North America. Sharks have only been responsible for 13, and some of those are debatable. Eric Reichard’s death is included in that statistic, but, officially, he drowned after his diving regulator fell out of his mouth during a fight with a shark. There’s a difference. Surfer Courtney Marcher is listed as a shark death, but there’s no hard evidence and she had a history of epilepsy. Every person that was killed by a bear was killed by a bear. Bear’s don’t get assists from the ocean.

Obviously, it takes more than efficient human-eating to make for a great week of television. Bears aren’t even the number-one human killers. Mosquitoes take that trophy. Even deer kill more humans per year than bears and sharks, simply by wandering into traffic. Maybe you could get a malaria special or highway dangers documentary out of that, but I’m already bored. I want Discovery Channel shows about an animal that is both murderous and adorable. I want Bear Week.

There is a 100% effective method for preventing shark attacks: don’t go in the ocean. It’s easy. Many people spend their whole lives outside of the ocean without even trying.

Bears live on land. That’s where we live. Bears live in 36 states, numbering in the hundreds of thousands. They’re everywhere, even Florida. Luckily, bears only attack outdoorsy people while they’re hiking and camping, right? Wrong! That’s what Adelia Trujillo, 93, of New Mexico probably thought, until a black bear broke into her house and killed her in 2001.

Jaws scared people out of the ocean, but there is no place to hide from bears.

Sharks are mindless killing machines. Bears are problem-solving killing machines. If you’re camping in bear-country, you have to secure your food at night. There are many ways to do this. None of them work. The most common method is to hang food between two trees, 10 feet from either tree and 15 feet off the ground. Bears have learned that they can get to the food by cutting the rope securing it to the tree.

Many parks now require you to store food in a bear canister. Bear canisters are strong mini-barrels that are complicated to open. They were designed by humans for the express purpose of being unopenable by bears. They test bear canisters by giving them to zoo bears. They are the most effective method for bear-proofing food, but they are not 100% effective. Yellow-yellow, a smaller, middle-aged black bear in the Adirondack region of New York, figured out how to operate the unlocking mechanism of bear canisters using her teeth. Not only that, but she’s been teaching other bears how to do it. Clever girl.

Sharks swim and they eat. That’s it, and they have their own week of TV shows.

Hey Discovery Channel, here’s a free idea for a show during Bear Week: Bear’s Solving Puzzles. It’s six hours long and more people watch it than the Superbowl. People pay a lot of money for commercials during things that have as many viewers as the Superbowl.

As long as mankind has stood on dry land, we have looked up at the sky and wondered, “Shit, dude, how cool would floating islands be?” While science and technology continue to fail us day after day, videogames have come through to stoke our imaginations with images of our ultimate aspiration: to live among the clouds. In the spirit of that lofty ideal, here’s our list of the greatest floating islands in video games.

8. Skyloft (Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword)

The only way living on a series of floating islands could ever be construed as a safe idea is if you don’t actually know that solid ground exists beneath you. Luckily for Link, Zelda, and the other inhabitants of Skyloft, a life surrounded by nothing but a sea of clouds (and of course the ever-present threat of death by freefall) is all they’ve ever known. As a result, the people of Skyloft appear to be both prideful, brave, and severely ignorant. Possessing the Triforce of Courage doesn’t really seem that impressive when one of the main hobbies for Skyloft youth appears to be jumping off cliffs and then hoping that one of the island’s indigenous giant birds will break your fall. Eventually, Link makes his way to the surface world of Hyrule, but can travel back to Skyloft using the Skyward Sword at any time. We can only hope he uses this ability to help drastically reduce Skyloft’s ultra-high mortality rate among wandering blind people.

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

My ex-girlfriend and I were watching Fantasia 2000 once and the Sorcerer’s Apprentice came on (the one with wizard Mickey). As we’re watching, my girlfriend suddenly looks me straight in the eyes and asks me in a completely serious tone, “Wait, is Mickey Mouse a bear?”
Aramis

I took my girlfriend along on a family vacation one summer. We stayed on a houseboat with my parents and 2 of their married friends for a whole week. Sleeping quarters were limited, and finding time to fool around with my girlfriend took a lot of careful planning and timing. One night my girlfriend got mad at me for refusing to pleasure her when she wanted. She claimed that we always did it when I wanted, but she didn’t get it when she wanted. I had refused because at the foot of our bed was my younger brother’s bed and at the foot of his bed was my sleeping parent’s! It’s not my fault she gets in the mood at the worst possible time ever! Needless to say, we ended up fooling around anyway. What? She is freakin’ hot. You would too.
T M

My girlfriend never saw the irony in making me sing and dance along to “Just Haven’t Met You Yet” by Michael Buble. She even put it on a Christmas Playlist she made for me.
Y S

My girlfriend farted when she was giving me a massage tonight…She was sitting on my back.
M

A few weeks ago the power went out in the area. Three days into the blackout the fridge gets completely hot and the food undoubtedly goes bad. The next day the power comes back on and my fiancee told me to let the food get cold again so that it’ll refresh.
V. P.

Right before my girlfriend and I 69 we each let out any lingering gas in order to prevent a potential disaster mid act.
Chuck

Because my gf keeps forgetting her SSN at the pharmacy I’ve had it memorized for months to help her out. I still have to ask her when her birthday is.
J C

Whenever my boyfriend gets really into a song, he’ll grab my hand and sing into it like a microphone, tap along to the beat of the song on my leg, and/or squeeze my boobs to the beat…. I try not to let him listen to his music much.
Gwen M

My boyfriend and I regularly have our “playtime” during the interview portion of The Daily Show and continue into the Colbert Report. Sorry, Jon Stewart, but those commercial breaks can get awfully long.
A

My girlfriend always falls asleep with her mouth open. And everytime she falls asleep, I put my finger in her mouth to wake her up.
B P

My boyfriend loves to test my endurance. He frequently plays dead making me pick him up and carry him to a chair. Also, while sitting on a couch, he will proceed to fall off (over a cliff) confessing his love to me before he dies. My job is to rescue him from falling off by picking up his body and carrying him to safety. He needed rescued so many times last night, I felt like Mario rescuing Princess Peach from never-ending threats of danger.
Amanda Y

When my girlfriend first met my nephew right after he was born, she asked if babies had knee caps. She was completely serious.
Wes H

My ex and I used to pretend that his penis was leaving a voicemail for my vagina. His penis is a sort of Woody Allen character that is always timidly inviting my vagina to a barbecue….
A

Submit yours here!

1. I love Russian literature, French poetry and I’ve never kissed a girl.

2. What’s my favorite band? Please, don’t even ask me that. There is no way you’ve ever heard of them, and even if you had, your minute intellect wouldn’t appreciate their highly conceptual jazz, reggae fusion art hip-hop ska stylings.

3. Nice to meet you. Now where did I set my fake pipe?

4. I’m currently working on my first three novels and two screenplays. I’ll live in my parents basement until my genius is discovered.

5. Existentially speaking, who’s to say these aren’t real glasses?

6. The only sport I respect is kickball.

7. I hate Nickelback. I hate Nickelback. I hate Nickelback. I hate Nickelback. I hate Nickelback. I hate Nickelback.