NiniaPimp Magazine

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic “submission form”:/submit/dating-its-complicated/.

My girlfriend broke up with me for 2 weeks because she found out I was cheating in Words with Friends…
Ryan P

I took my ex-girlfriend of three years to a pretty cool noodle bar, spontaneously (as she always complained I wasn’t spontaneous enough). She wouldn’t speak to me when the main meal arrived or for two days afterwards. Apparently according to her, my intention was to humiliate her – because she has never used chopsticks before.
Vince Sal from University of Leeds

I asked my boyfriend to say something nice to me. He responded by saying he likes the way my neck muscles bulge out when I turn my head to the side. ..Thanks?
A B

My girlfriend forwards me all the penis enlargement pills spam emails she gets.
A Anonymous

After sex my boyfriend will “surprise” trust fall onto me. Turn on? I think so.
Erica M

My boyfriend and I developed a method for when we finish going at it and I’m on top and we don’t want to make a mess on our way to the bathroom. It involves him scooting his butt to the edge of the bed, picking me up and swinging me around so I end up on my back and he’s standing up. We call it the “truffle shuffle.” Needless to say, a vast amount of my sexual encounters end with a mental picture of Chunk from the Goonies.
Camille P

Today, my girlfriend looked at my penis and said “Metapod – harden!”
J G

My boyfriend and I have a rivalry. We are constantly in battle during sex to make the other feel awkward. I like to whisper things that girls say in hentai, and he enjoys tickling me or repeating my moans back to me. And thanks to Lonely Island’s “Jizz in my pants” video, we enjoy making those faces at each other while we do it.
Lizzy Hunter

During a make-out session with my boyfriend, I (quite sweetly) uttered the line “you take my breath away”. He leaned in to kiss me again, and as we were doing so he literally sucked the air out of my lungs before exclaiming “That’s what it feels like to be a Dementor!”

The worst thing…his geekiness actually turned me on a bit.
A Prisoner of Azkaban

My girlfriend and I have decided that my penis is named Linda when erect and Raoul when flaccid.
R Z

Submit yours here!

Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

ISSUE 39•11 |
03.26.03 | News in Brief

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell’s motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex. “We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things turned all businesslike,” Pell said. “He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each piece of clothing, then he wouldn’t do anything but missionary.” Following the methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes “spooning” before Viselic dressed and left.
more»

FILL-IN-THE-BLANK QUESTIONS
1.) Dude, be careful hitting on that ——- girl Jessica, because I totally ——- her last semester.
A. crazy . . got stalked by
B. depressed . . used her low self-esteem to take advantage of
C. underage . . legally adopted
D. pregnant . . put a baby in
E. zombie . . killed

2.) You don’t have to worry about ——- in your dorm room, as long as you ——- the RA.
A. getting’ freaky . . make a video of it for
B. practicing Satanism . . sacrifice a virgin to
C. distilling alcohol . . kidnap, and then disguise yourself as
D. allowing illegal immigrants to run a sweat shop . . give free textiles to
E. murder . . murder

3.) That professor is a real ——- and he totally ——- that midterm.
A. downer . . was writing a suicide note during
B. hero . . deserves to be knighted for
C. sex offender . . had sex with me on top of
D. big fan of child labor . . made Taiwanese six-year-olds grade
E. water buffalo . . blew my mind when he used his hoofs to distribute

TEXT-ANALYSIS QUESTIONS
From: NATALIE
To: JASON
Fun times this wknd! You were HILARIOUS. Cant w8 to C U soon!

4.) The word “HILARIOUS” most nearly means:
A. SO DRUNK
B. PLACED FIRMLY INTO MY FRIEND ZONE
C. MISPRONOUNCING MY NAME THE WHOLE NIGHT
D. NOT THE JASON I WAS THINKING OF WHEN I SAID I’D GO OUT WITH YOU
E. QUESTIONED BY THE POLICE FOR LONGER THAN SEEMED NECESSARY

5.) The abbreviation “C U” most likely stands for:
A. Cut U out of my life
B. Create a Universe in which we never met
C. Cruelly Un-friend you and totally tell everyone about it
D. Call Uther dudes
E. Clean out the map holder in my car where U vomited

6.) In context, the “Fun times” Natalie referred to were most probably:
A. illegal
B. unhealthy
C. filled with regret
D. tagged for your parent’s friends to see
E. all of the above

ANALOGIES
7.) MILLER LITE : TEQUILA ::
A. A- : D+
B. Burp : Puke
C. Misdemeanor : Felony
D. 1st base : Intercourse
E. Apologies : Child support

8.) CLASSMATE : ROOMMATE ::
A. Awkward goodbyes : Awkward good mornings
B. Hard to focus when they’re passing notes in class : Hard to pee when they’re passed out in the bathroom
C. Terrible hand writing : Terrible guitar playing
D. I copied your paper : I copied your identity
E. “Can you loan me a pencil?” : “Can you stop masturbating long enough to loan me a pencil?”

9.) BEER BONG : BONG ::
A. Running from the Cops : Watching Cops
B. Frat : Commune
C. Natty Ice : Northern Lights
D. Listening to Katy Perry : Listening to Katy Perry ironically
E. What? : Huh?

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

My left breast is a little bit bigger than my right. My boyfriend has named them and taken to referring to them as “lefty and the runt.”
J K

I got rejected by a woman the other night…She Google Earthed my address, saw that I lived in a crappy apartment, and called the date off.
Z R

While I was home for my once a month weekend visit, my girlfriend broke up with me via text message…she lives three houses down from mine.
Brad H

My girlfriend doesn’t like bacon. I like her a lot, but I don’t know how much longer we’re going to last…
Joe F

I was texting my gf while on the toilet, she asked what I was doing so I responded “I’m dropping a huge one, one for the ages!”… She replied “Yay, me too!”. Its not as fun when she says it back.
P

My girlfriend and I were having sex, during which I was having trouble staying hard. You would think in this situation she would be going” its okay” or “dont worry about it!” but no, my girlfriend said, “STEP YA GAME UP! Marcus PSP.” I stepped my game up.
S

I knew I was going to have sex with a girl for the first time, so I masturbated earlier in the day in order to last longer. When it actually went down, I couldn’t finish. She got really upset and claimed I wasn’t attracted to her.
Rusty S

I made the mistake of trying to get my ex into wow with me. All she ever did was bitch about it except for the lingo which she picked up fairly quickly. Soon after every single fight we had ended with her saying “Cool Story, Bro” and promptly hanging up on me.
Trevor L

My girlfriend seems to think it is fun to spoon and then pretend she is a guy by having my d**k between her legs.
Dom B

Not only is my girlfriend better than me at Black Ops, but the other day when I was playing with her she proceeded to tell me to, “stop being a fucking camper!”
Jon

I like to drink bitch beer (Smirnoff, Mikes, etc..) and generally girlie drinks. I like regular beer too but it’s not as refreshing to me. Whenever my fiance and I go to the store, I make her carry my drinks and I’ll carry hers so that I look like a regular dude. She threatens to call me out just to make me nervous.
Nathan B

Submit yours here!

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

I stayed with my high school girlfriend for two years waiting for her to come to the same college. After she finally comes to the school she breaks up with me within the first month.
Justin S

So my ex used to have a habit of biting her nails. One time during a pretty intense make-out session I started to choke on one of her prechewed fingernails…. make-out session over
J

My boyfriend’s pet name for me is Zergling.
Rachel Hiebert

I read Dating, It’s Complicated: Issue #111 and told my girlfriend about it and now she refers to her period as “shark week” on a regular basis.
Chaz Broseidon

I was skyping with my girlfriend when she stopped mid-sentence and told me there was a bug on the ceiling. She left, came back 2 minutes later and said “I think its a lady bug, what do I do..?”
Jake P

I’m pretty sure if my boyfriend had to choose between hugging me goodbye or poking my boobs goodbye, he would choose the latter.
T R

Sometimes after a long sex session while laying next to each other, I will ask my boyfriend to pulsate his penis and say ‘giggity’ like Quagmire from family guy. It makes me laugh and its slightly arousing.
Melly B

My girlfriend wants to break up with me because I hung out with her ex who is my best friend. Let me also mention that she’s had sex with two of my friends and sees no problem with that.
Z R

I had to explain to my ex why spooning was called spooning using actual spoons.
T B

Sometimes when my wife is asleep, and I’m still awake I lean over her and in her ear whisper, “Do you still hear them Clarice? The Lambs?”
Chuck M

My girlfriend thinks that I don’t watch porn.
A R

Before we have sex, my boyfriend has to put my toy rabbit who usually sits on my bed on the ground facing away from us so that he doesn’t watch us.
Rat M

Submit yours here!

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

My ex dumped me because “she was getting too clingy.”
Kris

My girlfriend likes to “fluff” and then go “grazing” on my chest hair.
M S

My girlfriend thought that ultra-violet light was actually called “ultra-violent” light because, well, you know, it gives you sunburns and skin cancer.
Alex B

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I had sex with my ex before we started going out.
Gregory

My boyfriend likes to pluck my eyebrows.
Kate T.

My boyfriend and I will entertain ourselves by having silly talks about how and why we’re gonna get divorced in the future.
Chizuru M

Gryffindor has finally been awarded 10 points for the very first time!
Kieran

Every time my husband and I take a shower together he always pretends tries to put his penis in my belly button, he pretends its a hole that we would use for sex. He thinks its hilarious.
Anna

I was just in the shower with my girlfriend and she told me my penis reminds her of Dr. Zoidberg.
Nate G

One night while having sex with my girlfriend, me on top, she farted, let out a tiny laugh, then asked, “Did that tickle your balls?” Chicks, man.
A

I look forward to my girlfriend’s period each month, because she always demands chocolate and makes me eat it with her so she won’t, “feel like a fattycakes.”
S

Submit yours here!

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

My boyfriend picked me up at my house one day so I could run errands with him. When I answered the door he gave me an enormous hug and told me that my hair smelled amazing. I thanked him and told him I had just changed shampoo. He said, “Thank God. Your hair normally stinks around this time of day.” I don’t think I’ve ever been more offended.
Maggie K

After reading an article about the possibility of male lactation, my boyfriend won’t let me suck on his nipples during foreplay because he’s afraid it’ll make him start lactating.
L

I met my girlfriend’s dad this weekend and I completely blanked on his name, First and last… there was no Mr. ____ option
Tim H

My boyfriend is always biting his nails. One day when I was leaving for work I went to kiss him and it ended up getting a little heated. When I pulled away to leave he told me before we kissed he had a little piece of skin in his mouth but now it was gone..it went in my mouth! This has happened a couple times and he says, “Now there’s a piece of me inside of you!”
J

My boyfriend and his friends are always talking about some numbers that I didn’t understand until I saw his Google Calendar with points marked on days we have sex and days of my period marked as “No Points for Gryffindor”
Lisa P

Whenever my girlfriend and I have to clean up after going at it, we sing the ‘clean up’ song from Barney.
S S

Even though her family has never lived in the south, every time i would make a joke about rednecks my girlfriend would always get really offended. Last week i finally found out why: her grandparents are first cousins.
Steven P

So I got my tongue pierced for the simple reason of improving my head skills (which were already excellent). Well whenever a guy notices it and says with some amount of surprise “You have your tongue pierced?! Why did you get it?”
I’ve just started replying “To suck dick”
The look on their face is a beautiful mixture of shock and disbelief.
Danielle A

I should have never taught my gf what trolling was because now whenever she says something that she knows pisses me off she cocks her head to the side and says, “problem?” and then asks, “you mad bro?”
Mike R

My girlfriend was texting me asking what my biggest, dirtiest fantasy was. I didn’t really want to say but she kept asking and asking so I told her everything, in 3 message long graphic detail. She wrote back “Oh…Well I’ve always wanted to have sex while its raining”. I think I may have scared her off sex for a while.
Dave H

After my fiance and I have sex we lay there for awhile and talk. I then tell him to dress me. I tell him if I ever get into a coma he will be the one to dress me and this is practice.
M

My boyfriend tends to be late to everything, so I created a new punishment policy for when he shows up late to hang out with me. He has to scratch my back for as long as he was late.
Holly B.

I just asked my girlfriend if we could have sex, without looking at me she said “Nah bro” and continued to play Dead Island. Now I know what it feels like.
Jon S.

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

Two weeks ago, my friend Bucky moved all the way across the country in pursuit of only God knows what, his last words before leaving being “And onwards to the core of nowhere!” While stomping the gas pedal to get on the road. While he was packing stuff into his car, however, I got the brilliant idea to place something in there that I knew he’d hate. I had several of his little Annoy-a-trons that he’d deployed all over my house, and most were still pretty well charged. There are currently 31 of those little beeping bastards going off in the stuff he packed up, of which are placed at random within his boxes and the remainder of them placed all around the car itself. To make things worse, some beep and some do this buzzing that will piss you off by the second time it goes off. I’m pretty sure he’s about ready to come home and kick my ass for the interesting trip he had.
Anthony F. from UAB

My roommate is funny, smart, sweet, and drop-dead gorgeous, but she has the most incredible sex drive ever. That wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t bring home a new guy every other night (on the off-nights she shows off a fantastic array of sex toys) while she thinks I’m asleep. After two months of this, I got sick of it and set up a webcam, linked to a popular porn site. It’s been two years, and so far I’ve made enough to completely pay off my college loans. Thanks, Chelsea.
Anne O’Nymous

I had a roommate who was pretty chill, except he didn’t share my love for Keri Hilson. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but he resorted to calling Ms. Hilson some rather nasty words when I would blast her music. So one day while he was out all day, I went onto his iTunes library, saved it (because I’m not that big a jackass), and replaced all of the song files with Keri Hilson songs. Except, I kept all of the song information, so his Kanye West album would turn out to all be “Pretty Girl Rock”. He wasn’t quite bright enough locate his old libraries, so I made him listen to Keri for days before I would fix his iTunes.
Patrick C.

My roommate has this boyfriend who has a really cheesy mustache. What’s worse is that she loves it and talks about it all the time. She says it makes him look sexy, even though it really makes him look like a seventies porn star. One day they were both asleep on the couch and I was sick to death about hearing them talk about his mustache, so I shaved half of it off. For good measure I colored it back on with a magic marker. He had to shave it and it took them two weeks to get used to it.
Daly O from SMC

My roommate in the dorms freshman year was a real pain in the ass. She always had something or someone to complain about. And I was her favorite target. I constantly heard ridiculous things that she would say about me to other people that lived in my dorm; or was being scolded by her for unnecessary things. So of course, my new favorite activity became getting drunk and finding new ways to piss her off. Why not give her something legit to complain about? But this got old fast. Since she was always bitching anyways, her reactions to my drunken rampages just weren’t satisfying anymore. She went to visit her boyfriend one weekend. When I came back to my room that Friday night I noticed that she left her retainer there. I picked it up and proceeded to spit in it. My friends thought it was hilarious. We ended up passing it around the room and everyone took their turn spewing into her precious retainer. Watching her put the retainer, covered in other peoples saliva, in her mouth was much more rewarding than provoking yet another tantrum.
Allie L. from Winona State University

Submit yours here!

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

Yesterday, my boyfriend was kissing my eyebrows while saying “NOM NOM CATERPILLARS!”
Veronica T

My fiancee recently returns to our apartment complaining that she didn’t have enough quarters for a parking meter earlier that day. She was upset this particular machine wouldn’t accept nickels or dimes. She said the machine had two circles on it, one that said “25 Cents” and the other said “$1.” So naturally she tried to stuff a dollar bill into the coin slot. I told her they meant dollar coins. She said “Oh, people still use those?”
Shane P

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. Somewhere in those two years she developed the habit of picking her nose clean after sex.
Nick L

My boyfriend once asked me if you made Toaster Strudels in a microwave.
Kelly A

My girlfriend made characters for us on the Sims. We have 4 kids and both have ambitions for 10. And if that’s not bad enough, she MADE me have multiple affairs and then got mad at me in real life with the reasoning that if my sim would do it that easily then so would I.
Greg D.

One time, me and my girlfriend decided to do the “deed”. after finishing, i pull out and as soon as i’m out and move back she involuntarily queefs. Thankfully I finished early..
LC

My girlfriend recently asked me if the US was involved in World War II…
A

Well my bf’s body type is “more of him to love”. One day we were hanging around my place and he noticed the mini MMs tube I use to store laundry quarters. He picks it up and pours out some coins into his hand, and immediately looks distraught. Only a fat man finds a load of money and is disappointed because it’s not chocolate.
E. P.

My boyfriend and I were both fairly tired but decided to fool around this morning. After awhile, he seemed pretty exhausted and I asked him if he just wanted to try an go back to bed. His response was “Ehh. I guess I should do it from behind and try to finish up, but that’s just so much work.” He’s a hard core romantic.
O M

My (ex) girlfriend made me break up with her because she believed that i wouldn’t be ready to have kids at 28 yet she would and she wouldn’t want to pressure me … we were 19 at the time .
Russel A

My (now ex) boyfriend was over at my house one day and right before we went to the movies, he was playing around on my computer. With my sister out for a run and my mother out to get groceries, I figured it was a good time to make a move. I took my shirt off and leaned in close to him pushing my boobs close to his face. What did he do? He pushes me away saying, “Not now! I have a whole minute left of this Saints Row 3 trailer!”
N C

My girlfriend was on her period and didn’t want to have sex, so she decided she was going to give me head. This was the third day in a row. While kissing my stomach, she told me that if her period lasted any longer, she was going to look like AC Slater because her neck muscles were going to get huge. The mood was completely ruined, especially considering she has tight brown curly hair.
Luke J

Submit yours here!

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Dunkin’ Donuts Employee Busted For Prostitution

August 4, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•31

Following a six-week investigation, a New Jersey Dunkin’ Donuts cashier was arrested for propositioning customers for sex. What do you think?

• 

  Call me a snob, but the sex is way better at Starbucks.”

  Matt Fisk
  Label Coder

• 

  Oh, so that explains why every time I ask for a Coolatta at a different location they just hand me some kind of frozen-fruit crap.

  Peter Endino
  Filter Tender

• 

  Cool! I can’t afford either thing she was selling!

  Sue Burgess
  Unemployed

Recent American Voices

• States Slashing Arts Budgets

  08.04.11 | ISSUE 47•31

  Facing fiscal crisis, a number of states—including Texas, Wisconsin, and Kansas—are cutting their arts budgets or eliminating them altogether.

• Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury

  08.02.11 | ISSUE 47•31

  According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S.

• Woman Fined For Truck Nutz

  08.01.11 | ISSUE 47•31

  Facing a $445 fine, a South Carolina woman will go to trial to let a jury determine whether the fake oversized testicles hanging off the back of her truck are obscene.

• Critics: NBC’s ‘Playboy Club’ Glamorizes Pornography

  07.29.11 | ISSUE 47•30

  Watchdog group the Parents Television Council has accused NBC of glorifying pornography with its new program The Playboy Club, which debuts in September.

• Congressman Resigns Over “Unwanted” Sexual Incident

  07.28.11 | ISSUE 47•30

  Amid accusations he sexually assaulted an 18-year-old, Rep. David Wu (D-OR) announced he would resign as soon as debt-ceiling negotiations were complete.

Recent News »

• 
  
  Kid Massive
  08.04.11
  

• 
  
  Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal Required Tough Concessions By Both Democrats And Democrats Alike
  08.03.11
  

• 
  
  Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is
  08.03.11
  

• 
  
  Democrats, Republicans Celebrate Pitiful Excuse For Common Ground
  08.01.11
  

• 
  
  Congress Passes First Law In U.S. History That Doesn’t Somehow Kill Tens Of Thousands Of Ducks
  08.01.11
  

• 
  
  Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place
  07.30.11
  

• 
  
  Amy Winehouse’s Grammys Returned By London Pawn Shop Out Of Respect For Deceased
  07.29.11
  

• 
  
  Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks
  07.28.11
  

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