NiniaPimp Magazine

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

You constantly made fun of our suitmate for having bad acne. He’s a good kid and you’re just an asshole who thinks he’s hot shit. He would never do anything because he’s too nice. I on the other hand have no problem taking a little revenge for him. So lately I’ve been putting the bacon grease from my breakfast into your face wash. Seeing your self esteem drop like a rock as your face blooms into a ripe mess of acne has been beyond gratifying. What goes around comes around right, brah.
K.A. College of Charleston

My roommates are all pretty messy, but never seem to want to clean up all the shit they leave in the kitchen. Every day I come home to the flat and the sink is full of their disgusting plates and mugs, and the kitchen floor has always got dropped and dried on food. One day I got really sick of always have to mop and clean up, so I got the mop bucket, filled it with the usual cleaning supplies, and proceeded to mop the floor of all the dried on grease, tea, coffee, food bits…etc. Then, when I was done, I washed and put away anything in the sink that was mine, and tipped the filthy mop water all over the rest of the stuff in the sink, and left it there, knowing full well that when they got home, instead of fully washing their stuff, they’d just empty any water from it, and use it again. Sorry bitches, but you’re fucking gross sometimes.
R.K.

Last year I had a roommate who stays up till at least two every morning drinking and sleeping with her boyfriend. We have a two and a half hour art history lecture class pretty early. Yesterday while she was sleeping I started sticking stuff in her afro. By the time she woke up she had some candycanes, pens, pretzels and sticks from outside the dorm. We had a full day and went to a Christmas party before we went back to our dorm. She had her hair like that for eight hours.
Emma L

I live in an apartment in a building from the ’20s. My next-door-neighbor would wake me up at 3 in the morning with her screaming several nights a week. She would also run out the hot water for the whole building by having marathon shower sex. It got to the point where I hadn’t had a hot shower in 5 days. Luckily, the plumbing access for her shower is through my linen closet, and I rigged it so she was barely getting any hot water. Needless to say, the marathon shower sex stopped after that. In fact, her showers got pretty damn short, and I always heard her complaining to her ever-present boyfriend that the water was always cold. After a few days, she and her boyfriend just started spending all of their time at his place. I would have felt sorry, but I was too busy enjoying my nice, hot showers again.
E.L.

When I lived in the dorm I had a suite mate that was a complete dickhead. He always wanted complete silence because he claimed he was studying. If I turned my stereo on or was watching a football game or anything with any volume he would be knocking on the door telling me to be quiet. We have the suites that share a bathroom and you can enter the other room through the bathroom. I listened through the closet which has paper thin walls inside to hear what he was really doing and he was usually playing video games when he claimed he was studying. I decided it was payback time. I am lactose intolerant which means I can take some loud nasty dumps if I eat or drink any dairy products. It was the week before midterms and he warned me as usual to keep the noise down so he could study. I ate a huge blizzard from dairy queen and drank 3 glasses of whole milk from the dining hall along with a plate of beans. I waited till he was settled in and the room was silent and unleashed the mayhem in the bathroom. I could hear him making a comment after every fart I let. The next day I repeated the process and got my fat buddy in on it. For lunch I had him eat 4 big bowls of ham and beans. This time the bastards girlfriend was in the room with him which made it better. I did my deed of unleashing the fury in the toilet, then my buddy goes in there and it sounded like a damn earthquake in the bathroom. We laughed after every comment he made. He never told me to be quiet again. Mission accomplished.
Anonymous

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When your roommate puts a tie or sock on the door, you know you’ve been sexiled. Sometimes, however, they occupy the room for entirely different reasons…

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

My roommate had a habit of making up illegal and crazy stories that I supposedly did the previous night, and then insisting it happened when I woke up to freak me out. I got fed up and decided to get him back. After a night out, I woke him up frantically shaking him, claiming the cops were there to arrest him for robbing a gas station that night. My cousin busted in, wearing a police uniform, dragged my terrified roommate outside and into his car, where he proceeded to drive him into the next city, kick him out, and leave.
Anna R.

My roommate is nearly 20 years old and still uses the baby pacifier she has had since she was a kid.
K.C.

After enduring a semester of having my roommate bring back a different random frat boy every night to have rough, loud, kinky sex with in front of me, I finally snapped. I sprinkled itching powder in her underwear drawer and on her sheets. The morning after bringing home her latest conquest, the fratster wakes up, screaming “WHY DO I HAVE A RASH ON MY BALLS AND TAINT YOU SLUT?” Her butt and croch were covered with a horrible, itchy rash. He was furious and stormed out of our room, itching his ass as he went. She washed the sheets immediately along with her underpants (at my suggestion) and was never the wiser as to why she had the rash. She went and got tested for every possible STI (a bill of over $300) and even though she got a clean bill of health, everyone everyone was convinced she had syphilis and was known as “Rashelle” instead of Rachel for the rest of the year. Second semester, I got the best sleep ever.
Peruna M.

My roommate is a bitch, but that has nothing to with why I did this. I wanted to take naughty pictures for my girlfriend one weekend while my roommate was gone, and my roommate’s side was cleaner than mine, so I did all my naked posing on her desk. She eats at that desk, and she still has no idea.
C.H.

I had this roomate that was really weird about toliet paper. I found myself always buying new packs of toliet paper for us to share in the bathroom, and after like 10 times of doing this I asked her if she minded buying the next package. Anyway, one night I woke up to use the bathroom and when I went to reach for the toilet paper there was just a blue sticky note and eight pieces of toilet paper saying “Sarah this is your portion of toilet paper for the day. If you run out, you must buy your own.” The next day I called her a bitch and said I’d just buy my own package if she was going to be so weird and greedy, and she assured me that it was okay for us to still share. A few days later, there was no toilet paper in the bathroom, and I remembered that she just got back from Costco to buy some. I couldn’t find it anywhere, so I called her at work and was like “Where’s the toilet paper?” and she told me it was in her bedroom. So I went in her bedroom and I was like where? And she said it’s in the closet. I opened the closet and was like “where?” and she said in a really low voice “It’s in the suitcase” and as I unzipped her big airplane sized suitcase, sure enough there was a giant package of toilet paper. All I said was “Pip, you’re fucking weird” and moved out the next week.
Sarah

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 6 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

My roommate is the most annoying person anyone can live with. But what get’s me the most is how unbelievably stupid he is. The other day we were eating take-out Chinese and I see him pop a fortune cookie in his mouth and swallow the whole damn thing, fortune paper and all. Then he says “OMG, do all fortune cookies have fortunes in them? ‘Cause I think I just ate paper.” The amazing thing is that wasn’t his first fortune cookie. He eats them all the time. What’s more amazing is that that was the THIRD time he’s forgotten to take out the fortune before eating. And all 3 times, he’s asked the same question.
Anonymous

While I was living in Korea I had a ‘building mate’ in a 14-story building. She was going out of town and asked if I could watch her diabetic cat for two weeks while she went on an exotic vacation with her boyfriend. I agreed; Little did I know what a decrepit hellion her sick cat was. Watching her cat was one of the worst experiences of my life. It vomited everywhere, it angrily shat all over her bed, and at all times possible spread kitty litter and poop all over the house. When I e-mailed her about this, she was very concerned about her cat and not at all concerned about the situation the cat put me in. Let me tell you giving the cat shots twice a day and being hissed at is NOT my idea of a fun time. When she returned and I asked how she intended to repay me for the terrible time I had, she threw a tantrum about how much of an ungrateful, good-for-nothing friend I was. Well, ‘friend’, I switched your bills with your Korean neighbor. Good luck dealing with the fees and trying to get things figured out with your non-English speaking landlord. Payback’s a bitch.
Dani W.

I get stoned and eat all the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms.
Colt M.

I have an apartment of five girls, normally you’re supposed to have six but one of my roommates is an RA of the building, so she gets a room to herself. She has a strict rule that she has to be in bed between 9 and 9:30, and freaks out if anyone else is awake or loud enough to wake her. The building doesn’t have a strict curfew so we tend to ignore it. At the beginning of the year, after I found out how strict and evil she was, I decided to jump around violently on my bed and hit the walls around me until I heard her get up out of bed, and stomped her way down to hall to me and my friend’s room. Before, she bursts open the door, I jumped in bed and acted to be asleep. She stomps back to bed, and I jump around again, and act asleep. This goes on for a good 30 minutes until she asks my other roommates what the heck is going on. My roommate says “Oh, she has a sleeping disorder that causes her to do that. It’s pretty serious.” So now, halfway through the school year, whenever I have friends over and we’re too loud, my RA can’t do a damn thing about it because it’s probably just my sleeping disorder acting up.
Mckenzie Y. from UVU

For the past three years of college I’ve lived with two of my best friends from high school. We all get along really well, but we have one roommate who we just like to fuck with. One day while exploring our new apartment myself and my other roommate discovered the circuit breaker to our apartment was behind my bedroom door, after playing around with the switches we found out which ones control which lights and switches, most importantly we didn’t tell our prankable roommate. A couple weeks later while my one roommate was in the shower, myself and my third roommate decided to turn off the power to the bathroom that did not have any windows making it pitch black. He started screaming and shouting and we’re pretty sure we heard him slip and fall. While he was in there we started playing along making it sound like the whole apartment was without power, we even unplugged all the clocks so it looked legit. A few weeks later we did it again when he was in shower and laughed our asses off while hearing him shout “REALLY!? NOT AGAIN!” After that he went around to all of our friends in the complex asking if their power had gone out as well, but since we had asked them all to play along, he was convinced that it was just a freak accident that it kept happening while he was in the shower, he even went so far as calling the power company and our leasing agent. Eventually after about 4 dark as all hell showers he knew it was us. Too bad he has no ideas on how to prank us back.
J.V. from Michigan State

Hey there roomie, you know how you always battled me silently about the thermostat? How you always changed it to 60 degrees when I was out of the room or about to go to bed when it’s 30 degrees outside? I wonder if you ever figured out why you suddenly started changing that habit in the last term. You probably found yourself staying cold no matter what you did, even under a huge bundle of blankets on your bed, leaving you no choice but to turn the heat up. You even filled out about a dozen work orders to see if the thermostat reader was broken, but nope. It was working perfectly fine. The never-ending cold you were suffering might have been all of the freezer packs I stuck under your mattress pad when you left the room for dinner at night. Luckily I had a later class than you in the mornings, so I could grab the now-melted packs and re-freeze them for the next day. The best part was when you never realized this and thought I was using the twenty-plus packs taking up the entire freezer just for my in-class sandwiches.
Erynn B.

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 6 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

My roommates got mad at me for having a dog, so I scheduled to take her home to my parents on winter break which was about a week away. That wasn’t good enough for them. Even though the dog had been there for months, they wanted her out then and there, requiring me to drive nine hours home. The house we lived in was a filthy cigarette filled dump that you couldn’t walk around in without shoes. I couldn’t even stand to eat in the place, but my roommates could, and they always left dirty dishes around. Before I left for the long drive, my dog did a really nice job getting all of the dishes clean, and I neatly stacked them in the cabinet. Dogs mouths are supposed to be clean right?
Fara F.

Last year, I was in a dorm with my 3 best bros, but back then, we were all new to each other. 3 of us got along really well, but the fourth guy, Bentz, was always working on school stuff and spazzing out. So anyway, one day, Bentz was at his English Lit class, and me and the other dudes were just kinda hanging around. Now, Bentz was a band geek back then, so he’d always take up a bunch of space in our common room with his trombone on this fancy stand so it “wouldn’t warp from the case,” and so my buddy Matt comes up, grabs the trombone, and walks out. He’s a shop boy, so he always has tools lying around, and so he comes back 15 minutes later, wearing the sawed off end of the trombone like a hat, and he’s just like “hey guys, look, I’m Bentz.” So we’re rolling on the floor laughing our asses off for 15 minutes, and then finally Bentz shows up, sees Matt with the funnel thing on his head, and just drops his textbook. We all think he’s gonna throw a kanipshin, but he starts laughing. Turns out he hated band, and now he had a reason to drop it. It was kinda a let down cause we thought he’d blow a fuse, but his parents came to visit that week and got to have a little talk with the guy who hack-sawed their son’s trombone. Good times.
Joel W.

I live in a cabin with 5 other guys and two showers that are right next to one another. Two roomates decide to dump ice cold river water from a huge bucket onto two guys taking showers. Payback was putting beef paste in the shower head so the one guy who showers about half and hour before anyone else got a beef soup shower. Never have I woke up to a more irate person, and despite finding the wrench in our room right away he still has no idea who beefed him.
Mike S.

My roommate was trying to rush a Fraternity. I knew a lot about the guys that lived there, so of course i decided to fuck with him when they invited him to dinner at the house. The house he was going to is a complete dump, he had no idea what he was stepping into. So he asked me what he should wear, so of course I told him “shirt tie, time to impress.” After he was dressed I drove him over to the house. The moment was priceless, as everyone was walking in with basketball shorts and lax pennys, I was able to watch my horrified roommate shyly walk into the house looking like a complete tool. He preceded not to talk to me for 3 days, so far my best 3 days here yet.
Andrew S. from Indiana University

My roommate freshman year was weird to say the least. She would take a bite of food and put it back on the serving tray, watch necrophiliac movies, and blow dry her hair at 2am in our room when I had 8am classes the next day. She also informed my friends that the way they ate was gross, that they would never be accepted to med school, and that they were gaining weight even though they weren’t. Needless to say, we were all getting pretty sick of her shit. So then she tells me that she ordered something online under my name, and that if I receive the package I should give it to her. Pissed off that she used my name to order who knows what, I decided I wasn’t giving it to her. A few days later I received the package while she was in class and opened it to find a new pair of jeans. I tried them on and they fit perfectly. I hid them in my dresser and threw away the box they came in, telling her that I didn’t get it whenever she asked. I still have her jeans to this day.
Jenn A

A guy in my hall smuggled a microwave into his room, (Microwaves aren’t allowed in our dorm) and everybody knows about it but he won’t let anybody use it. So one day me and my buddy filled a bag with dog shit from outside and snuck in while he was showering and put it in the microwave for about five minutes. This was almost three weeks ago and his whole room still smells like shit. Take that asshole.
Eric S.

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

I’m one of 4 guys in an apartment, and we had to go potluck for our last room mate. The new guy isn’t too bad, but he set up his 50” TV right in from of his bed in his room, and is always watching it. Always. He cranks the volume up to ear splitting levels and has a bad habit of leaving his room locked – TV on – while at class. Being a bored electrical engineer, I wired up one of those mini-remotes that can turn off TVs directly into the empty light switch outside his room. Whenever he’s playing his TV too loud, I walk by, flip the light switch, and the remote does it’s thing. Or when I’m bored, really. He gets so aggravated when he can’t play Call of Duty that he starts screaming at the TV about “not working” and works himself into a rabid froth. So, he’s going out to buy a newer, bigger TV, and I offered to buy his “broken” one off him. Something tells me he’s going to be very interested in Walmart’s return policy.
Richard LeDouche from UNC

My roommate a few weeks ago clogged our toilet with a ridiculous and copious amount of toilet paper. When my other roommate Kelton noticed, and warned the whole room not to flush, he went in and tried to unclog it, flooded the bathroom, and refused to clean it up. I had to clean up his TP and whatever else there was off of the floor. Now, he has some hard feelings about pranks, so I wanted to get him back in a way that he wouldn’t freak out on. When he left the room, I went on his laptop and set the non-stop nyan cat page (www dot nyan dot cat) as a page that automatically opens on his web browser, without making it his home page. It’s gone off a few times in his classes. And he thinks it a virus. It just goes to show that the littlest things can be the most effective.
Hank T. from Southeastern University

Every morning one of my suite mates goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. After about 1 minute of brushing it sounds like he sticks the tooth brush down his throat because he gags twice then spits out a lugi. He needs to go back to the planet where he came from.
Tyler C.

Freshman year my boyfriend and I convinced my roommate that magnets don’t work on refrigerators unless the refrigerator is plugged in. It’s junior year, my freshman year roommate and I both have other roommates, but her kitchen’s refrigerator still has no magnets because “what if there’s a power outage and they all fall off?”
Anonymous

My mom told me this friend of hers need someone to housesit for a weekend and watch her dogs. I said I’d be able to do it, if my roommate come chill too, since he’s pretty legit. So, we’re over there just watching T.V when he pulls out a ziploc bag full of weed, and a pipe. We take the dogs outside and go pack the pipe. He leaves to go drain the main vein while Im outside. I finish the packing and leave the bag and dogs outside. We come outside a few minutes later and see the dogs freaking out, run around the yard and running into stuff. I didnt think anything of it and we start smoking. Later one dog pukes up a piece of plastic. Im thinking, oh sh*t. And start looking around for the bag. Its missing. My roommate asks where the bag is a little later so we can smoke some more. I told him that the dogs ate it. He just started stoned laughing. I dont think he took me seriously. Sorry bro, but your out of alot of cash right there.
Rhys N.

Submit yours here!

1. Prove Your Doubters Wrong
For as long as you can remember, people have been telling you that you could never make it as a static mass of frozen cells stored in a cooling tank for prolonged intervals. Are you going to listen to the doubters, or will you use their nay-saying as inspiration to step up your game, prove everyone wrong, and achieve your cryogenic dreams?

2. Earn Some Dad Approval
Your dad is an old-fashioned kind of guy, which means he’s never going to take you seriously until you prove that you’re not afraid to voluntarily submerge yourself in liquid nitrogen and commence existing in a state of suspended animation for an indefinite length of time. Don’t disappoint your dad. Get in the damn tank.

3. Hangover Cure
Sometimes all it takes is a nice, long cryopreservation session to get past a really bad hangover—assuming that the fabric of your being doesn’t unravel upon reanimation. For best results, try taking some Alka-Seltzer and a cold shower before the cryogenic freezing begins.

4. Get Out of Parking Tickets
Name one cryogenically frozen person who has to pay parking tickets. That’s right—you can’t! Well, unless you count Dave.

5. Stop Being So Not Cryogenically Frozen All the Time
Your whole “Look at me everybody, I always maintain the same normal, biologically safe range of body temperatures and I NEVER artificially stop my heart with potassium-salt solutions and/or replace my blood with anti-crystallizing cryoprotectant fluids” shtick? It’s getting old. Really old.

6. Get a New Roommate
So you got stuck with the classic nightmare roommate; never seems to leave the room, demands to be referred to as “Commander X,” and is constantly accusing you of stealing their shark cartilage. While your depressing living situation may seem inescapable, it’s nothing a few centuries of cryogenic stasis can’t resolve. (If this doesn’t work, try asking your R.A. about doing a room swap.)

7. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
Your blog clearly states that if your animated web series “Underwater Cougartown” doesn’t go viral, you’re going to cryogenically freeze yourself because clearly you’re way ahead of your time. 42 views ≠ viral.

8. Book Sales
You can market yourself all you want, but your latest book “Portrait of an Artist as a Cryogenically Frozen Young Liberal Arts Major” ain’t gonna start selling until you start cryogenically freezing.

9. No Regrets
In five hundred years, do you think you’ll be more likely to regret cryogenically freezing yourself, or not cryogenically freezing yourself? (Note: In the event that you happen to reanimate in five hundred years to discover that the Earth has been overrun by shape-shifting lava-wolves, you may in fact view your decision to cryogenically freeze yourself as the worst decision anyone has ever made, ever.)

10. Boredom
What else do you have going on?

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

Two weeks ago, my friend Bucky moved all the way across the country in pursuit of only God knows what, his last words before leaving being “And onwards to the core of nowhere!” While stomping the gas pedal to get on the road. While he was packing stuff into his car, however, I got the brilliant idea to place something in there that I knew he’d hate. I had several of his little Annoy-a-trons that he’d deployed all over my house, and most were still pretty well charged. There are currently 31 of those little beeping bastards going off in the stuff he packed up, of which are placed at random within his boxes and the remainder of them placed all around the car itself. To make things worse, some beep and some do this buzzing that will piss you off by the second time it goes off. I’m pretty sure he’s about ready to come home and kick my ass for the interesting trip he had.
Anthony F. from UAB

My roommate is funny, smart, sweet, and drop-dead gorgeous, but she has the most incredible sex drive ever. That wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t bring home a new guy every other night (on the off-nights she shows off a fantastic array of sex toys) while she thinks I’m asleep. After two months of this, I got sick of it and set up a webcam, linked to a popular porn site. It’s been two years, and so far I’ve made enough to completely pay off my college loans. Thanks, Chelsea.
Anne O’Nymous

I had a roommate who was pretty chill, except he didn’t share my love for Keri Hilson. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but he resorted to calling Ms. Hilson some rather nasty words when I would blast her music. So one day while he was out all day, I went onto his iTunes library, saved it (because I’m not that big a jackass), and replaced all of the song files with Keri Hilson songs. Except, I kept all of the song information, so his Kanye West album would turn out to all be “Pretty Girl Rock”. He wasn’t quite bright enough locate his old libraries, so I made him listen to Keri for days before I would fix his iTunes.
Patrick C.

My roommate has this boyfriend who has a really cheesy mustache. What’s worse is that she loves it and talks about it all the time. She says it makes him look sexy, even though it really makes him look like a seventies porn star. One day they were both asleep on the couch and I was sick to death about hearing them talk about his mustache, so I shaved half of it off. For good measure I colored it back on with a magic marker. He had to shave it and it took them two weeks to get used to it.
Daly O from SMC

My roommate in the dorms freshman year was a real pain in the ass. She always had something or someone to complain about. And I was her favorite target. I constantly heard ridiculous things that she would say about me to other people that lived in my dorm; or was being scolded by her for unnecessary things. So of course, my new favorite activity became getting drunk and finding new ways to piss her off. Why not give her something legit to complain about? But this got old fast. Since she was always bitching anyways, her reactions to my drunken rampages just weren’t satisfying anymore. She went to visit her boyfriend one weekend. When I came back to my room that Friday night I noticed that she left her retainer there. I picked it up and proceeded to spit in it. My friends thought it was hilarious. We ended up passing it around the room and everyone took their turn spewing into her precious retainer. Watching her put the retainer, covered in other peoples saliva, in her mouth was much more rewarding than provoking yet another tantrum.
Allie L. from Winona State University

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BLOOMINGTON, IN—As Indiana University students began moving into their assigned residence halls Wednesday, freshman Martin Mattucci told his new roommate Corey Dwire not to worry about hiding his acts of masturbation. “I just want you to know, right off the bat, that I’m cool with you jerking off when I’m around,” said Mattucci, who added that any other arrangement would be impractical considering the two would be sharing a 10-by-10-foot room for the next nine months. “If I walk in while you’re rubbing one out, just keep right on going. The way I see it, it would be more awkward if you stopped. By the way, my name’s Martin.” Mattucci added that he always keeps plenty of paper towels and moisturizer around for just such occasions, so Dwire should feel free to let him know if he’s running low or needs extra.