NiniaPimp Magazine

UNITED STATES—A racially diverse group gathered in the living room of a stylish and well-appointed apartment earlier this week to enjoy various snack items, moderate amounts of low-calorie alcoholic beverages, and the company of other attractive young adults while watching a sporting event on a sleek new high-definition television.

Sources confirmed the group began to assemble roughly an hour before the sports broadcast, arriving at the apartment as happy, carefree singles or visibly affectionate interracial couples. They brought with them snacks, most of which were either dip-related or dips in and of themselves.

Many also brought beer, always of a certain specific brand.

Each arrival was greeted with instant recognition and genuine warmth, as those who had already made themselves comfortable offered to help with any unpacking of food or with snack preparation. Under no circumstances was a large interval of time allowed to elapse before any new arrival was offered liquid refreshment, which was invariably referred to by its full brand name and was consumed from a cup containing the logo of a favored sports team or directly from the original container.

All snacks were placed on a low table between the capacious, comfortable sofa and the large television set, which had already begun to display crystal-clear pictures of the upcoming sporting event, and good-natured, lighthearted arguments began as to whether the images were more notable for their sharpness or their color.

Participants reportedly dredged golden, perfectly triangular tortilla chips through thick, ruby-red salsa during the discussion, chasing the fiery saltiness down with ice-cold mouthfuls of crisp yet light beer before agreeing that the sharpness and color of the display were both of such excellence that no judgment could be made between the two.

After a brief interlude, during which one of the slender and vaguely exotic-looking women present emerged from the kitchen bearing in Pilates-toned arms a tray of her famous ginger-scented Asian delicacies, the discussion turned to the athletic competition itself.

Men explained the rules, regulations, strategies, and traditions of the sport to the women, a noble gesture that was turned on its head when one of the women present was revealed to possess a highly developed working knowledge of the game, such that she was able to correct the males on certain points and back up her observations by making references to past events. The histories of both teams were explored, and their rivalry debated, as was the likely outcome of the game the attractive group was about to witness.

A possible social minefield emerged with the disclosure that one of the people present was a fan of the opposing team, but the group’s long-standing friendship won out after mere seconds of awkwardness, and all seemed to agree that loyalty to one another, even while viewing a crucial and hotly contested sporting event, was far more important than loyalty to a team. The incident was punctuated by loud, vocal demands that the fan of the opposition be given a fresh cold beverage, which was of course referred to as usual by its full brand name.

Mere moments before the game was to begin, the sound of a doorbell diverted attention from the impressive television and caused a disruption of the seating order as the group rearranged itself to accommodate the late arrival. Various exclamations indicated the identity of this person could be guessed by the mere fact of his tardiness, a behavior evidently common on his part; however, all was forgiven when the assembled viewers saw the new person was holding a large metal tub filled with shaved ice and fresh bottles of the aforementioned name-brand beer.

The new arrival was accompanied by a large, effusively friendly golden retriever who wore his own custom-made jersey emblazoned with his name and the number zero. The golden retriever was also known to all by name.

At press time, the team favored by most of the attractive and diverse crowd had evidently just scored due to a sudden reversal of fortune, causing everyone in attendance to raise a beer aloft and shout while a cloud of snack items erupted into the air and the golden retriever barked in excitement. The exact location of the game in question, its final score, and even the sport being played remain unknown.

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew off some steam by jumping up to lick people’s faces, urinating on smaller dogs, and chasing almost everything that moved across his field of vision. “At first he was calm as could be, just leading his owner to a bench and letting her take a seat, but as soon as that guide-harness came off, holy fuck, that dog just went goddamn ballistic,” said onlooker Ray Seward, 54, adding that Biscuit was “absolutely going to town” on every dog in the park. “That thing took off like a fucking rocket and sprinted the entire perimeter of the park six times before beelining directly toward this toddler and completely flattening her without even missing a step. Inevitably, the place cleared out, and then he just sat down and barked, nonstop, until he’d tired himself out.” Sources confirmed Biscuit was last seen calmly walking back to his owner, where he lay down at her feet and waited until she was ready to be led back home.