by admin ·
1. Prove Your Doubters Wrong
For as long as you can remember, people have been telling you that you could never make it as a static mass of frozen cells stored in a cooling tank for prolonged intervals. Are you going to listen to the doubters, or will you use their nay-saying as inspiration to step up your game, prove everyone wrong, and achieve your cryogenic dreams?
2. Earn Some Dad Approval
Your dad is an old-fashioned kind of guy, which means he’s never going to take you seriously until you prove that you’re not afraid to voluntarily submerge yourself in liquid nitrogen and commence existing in a state of suspended animation for an indefinite length of time. Don’t disappoint your dad. Get in the damn tank.
3. Hangover Cure
Sometimes all it takes is a nice, long cryopreservation session to get past a really bad hangover—assuming that the fabric of your being doesn’t unravel upon reanimation. For best results, try taking some Alka-Seltzer and a cold shower before the cryogenic freezing begins.
4. Get Out of Parking Tickets
Name one cryogenically frozen person who has to pay parking tickets. That’s right—you can’t! Well, unless you count Dave.
5. Stop Being So Not Cryogenically Frozen All the Time
Your whole “Look at me everybody, I always maintain the same normal, biologically safe range of body temperatures and I NEVER artificially stop my heart with potassium-salt solutions and/or replace my blood with anti-crystallizing cryoprotectant fluids” shtick? It’s getting old. Really old.
6. Get a New Roommate
So you got stuck with the classic nightmare roommate; never seems to leave the room, demands to be referred to as “Commander X,” and is constantly accusing you of stealing their shark cartilage. While your depressing living situation may seem inescapable, it’s nothing a few centuries of cryogenic stasis can’t resolve. (If this doesn’t work, try asking your R.A. about doing a room swap.)
7. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
Your blog clearly states that if your animated web series “Underwater Cougartown” doesn’t go viral, you’re going to cryogenically freeze yourself because clearly you’re way ahead of your time. 42 views ≠ viral.
8. Book Sales
You can market yourself all you want, but your latest book “Portrait of an Artist as a Cryogenically Frozen Young Liberal Arts Major” ain’t gonna start selling until you start cryogenically freezing.
9. No Regrets
In five hundred years, do you think you’ll be more likely to regret cryogenically freezing yourself, or not cryogenically freezing yourself? (Note: In the event that you happen to reanimate in five hundred years to discover that the Earth has been overrun by shape-shifting lava-wolves, you may in fact view your decision to cryogenically freeze yourself as the worst decision anyone has ever made, ever.)
What else do you have going on?