by admin ·
Tacos are a classic masterpiece of compact unhealthiness. It’s essentially a wallet of meat and cheese that we shove in our mouths as fast as we can. So why are we wasting our precious gorging time on all those stupid tortillas when we could be scooping our portable feasts with fluffy, golden waffles? That’s right: there’s no reason. Let’s get it together, America.
Any indulgent chump can make a chocolate chip pancake, but it takes a really bored and hungry chump to put in the time and effort to make this vision of caloric genius. To avoid accidentally cooking the cookie, one must pre-freeze little balls of dough and then mix those into the pancake batter before putting them on the griddle. The really tricky part is not just eating all of the dough instantly, but it seems like a risk worth taking.
What’s the biggest problem with burritos? The soggy tortilla mess. What’s the biggest problem with sushi? The lack of cheese. Enter the Sushi Burrito. It has all the tidy, moisture resistant properties of a sushi roll, AND the gut-enhancing bean/cheese/meat trifecta of a burrito. Plus, it has seaweed, so it’s healthier. Definitely like half the calories of a regular burrito. Definitely.
We’re legally not allowed to refer to this concoction as a “beverage” because of the fact that it will instantly drain all of the moisture from your mouth, throat, and surrounding bodies of water, but, hey, if Jamba Juice can get away with selling a “Peanut Butter Moo’d” shake, then we should be allowed to drink liquified peanut butter without having to go to a Jamba Juice and be the fat slobs who order peanut butter when everyone else is getting acai berry and a shot of something that isn’t pure lard-salt.
Marshmallow is a woefully underrepresented ingredient in the field of candy bars. This is an outright travesty. The Mallomar is proof that marshmallow and cookie and chocolate is a terrific combination. But Mallomars are a seasonal treat, and, if we’re being entirely honest, the cookie part of the Mallomar is overpoweringly dry and perma-stale. This is where the gentle wafer of the Kit-Kat comes in. It’s the perfect, year-round cocoon for delicious clouds of synthetic sugar. Your move, Hershey.