NiniaPimp Magazine

There have been an increasing number of studies recently that state that spending prolonged periods of time sitting can take years off your life. What are you doing right now? Probably sitting. What are you going to be doing in an hour? Probably still sitting. Have humans taken over so much of the planet that the only predators that can take us on are our own big fat asses? Go take a walk and think about that. Or just think about it while sitting. You’re doomed anyway.

This is a fish/parasite local to the Amazon that crawls up your urethra (that’s your pee hole) or vagina then drives hooks in so you can’t pull it out. It has been said to cause so much pain that men would rather cut their penises off than stand the pain long enough for an alternate treatment. Candiru are very rarely documented and they’re only in the Amazon, so you probably don’t have to worry. But you should still worry. There’s a creature that has evolved to drive hooks into your penis. You should constantly be worried.

Remember a time when getting Gonorrhea was just embarrassing, but generally not a big deal? Forget it. New studies have shown a strain of super Gonorrhea that resists antibiotics, both oral and intravenous. That means that, for the time being, it is incurable, and, if you catch it, it could burn when you pee forever. Also, it’s still embarrassing.

There’s a parasitic disease called Toxoplasmosis that is primarily hosted by cats and can be spread by changing kitty litter and even eating some undercooked meat. When rodents catch it, it removes their fear of cats and even causes them to be drawn to the smell of cat urine. Some other behavioral symptoms include decreased novelty seeking, slower reactions, and big sweaters emblazoned with cat puns.

Over 80% of the United State’s cocaine supply contains a cattle deworming drug called levamisole. That just seems like regular gross, right? Well, yes, that, PLUS it can rot the skin off your nose, ears, and cheeks. You need those things. They’re what make your face. The dead skin can heal back up as a big scar once the cocaine is out of your system. Or it can also kill you. Because it’s flesh-eating cocaine. Obviously it can kill you.

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

My boyfriend and I were in the middle of foreplay, when he whispered in my ear in a really sexy voice, “what do you want me to do to you?” I replied with a simple “whatever you want.” After a moments pause he said, “well, the laundry room key is on the table, and there’s detergent in the…” that’s when I punched him in the arm.
Mandy Q

My girlfriend finally joined the rest of the technology world and upgraded her phone to a new Droid. She became addicted and was showing me all the things that it could do that I obviously knew because i have a damn droid. She finds the Maps feature that shows your current location on a map. Excitedly she says, “look it shows me where my phone is in case i lose it!” To which I reply, “what if you lose your phone?” and she actually said, “I can look to see where it is on here!”
Erik H

My girlfriend and I were shopping at wal-mart when we noticed the $5 movies for sale. When looking through the movies I found the “Shawshank Redemption.” After finding this I said “For $5 we really need to buy this.” Her response was “No, that movie looks stupid.” I’ll never look at her the same again.
Austin D

I was dating a girl for about a month. She was fun but wasn’t quite ready to go all the way yet which was fine except she insisted on dry humping which naturally gave me a hard-on but in jeans after a while my “thing” would be pretty much forced against a zip, so while she went to the bathroom I couldn’t stand the pain and let him free…she walked in and dumped me on the spot for being too forward in our relationship. Wasn’t worth the pain.
Marcus B

I’ve been lucky enough to be in a relationship with a girl who has very relaxed and easy going parents. One day, I was coming over for the night, and texted her on the way over to make sure she was home from work. I get a text back saying, “I just hopped in the shower, come join me ;).” I didn’t respond since I was driving. As I pull up into her driveway, I see her dad standing outside holding her cellphone. All I could say was “Well played, sir… well played.” We went inside and had a good laugh.
Chris

For the past 2 months, my girlfriend has been asking me to come over for dinner to meet her parents. I finally give in and go. The next day we’re at my place about to have sex when we realize I ran out of condoms. So I quickly go to the corner store and stand in line with the box of condoms when her dad, who I just met the night before, is right behind me in the line. Fuck.
-JMW
Jeremy W

After weeks of my boyfriend begging, I finally agreed to wake him up one morning with a blowjob. I got up early and quietly dolled myself up, lingerie and all. As I’m pulling off the blankets, he freaks out and kicks me in the nose, causing me to bleed everywhere. When I run to the bathroom, he falls back asleep. Much to his dismay, there definitely will not be a next time.
D H

An ex actually asked me once, “Are unicorns real? Like I know they don’t exist now…but did they ever exist, like in ancient times?”
Rory B

My girlfriend saw me reading a spider-man comic one day in bed and asked me why I’m reading the comics when I could just watch the movie…she thought spider-man comics were based off the movies… i don’t know if we can still date…
Jesse G

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