NiniaPimp Magazine

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing to express my interest in being another sheet of paper that you skim. Due to my palpable lack of marketable skills, I am confident that I can make myself completely forgettable in the space of a few paragraphs. You will see that I am highly capable of this. I have two bachelor’s degrees. I’m sure that the following embellishments of my misspent life will make you want my sweaty, unfit body to be near yours in an office every weekday for many years. LOOK AT ME! Are you looking at me? Good.

Now I’m going to start lying about being good at the position you are offering. I will begin by making a completely empty statement by saying that I think I can be a valuable member of your team. I saw “Remember the Titans” twice in theaters. What a team they were, huh? That’s just one example of the empty logic I am employing in order to pass off my substandard abilities as the exact qualities of a desirable candidate. Additionally, I have extensive experience using computers, often for web games and porno. Ergo, I can meet the challenges of this tech-savvy position because, for the purposes of this cover letter, all computer skills are the same computer skill. And did you know that I went to college? That’s probably where I learned to waste people’s time.

I have also interned at several places. I spent the bulk of those internships thinking about mentioning them here, to you. Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t used the word “qualifications” yet. Oh shit, here it comes. I have many qualifications:

-I am well-versed in Microsoft Office. That’s real impressive, so long as you pretend that we live in a nomadic tribe of hunter-gatherers. Pretend harder.

-I have great organizational skills and can juggle multiple tasks simultaneously. I most likely gained both of these skills by pulling them directly out of my ass.

-I am enthusiastic and creative. For fuck’s sake, I might as well have put down “palm reading” or “unicorn breeding” here.

To reiterate, you have spent part of your life reading this. I think I have demonstrated my initiative, ambition, and enterprise, as well as my ownership of a thesaurus. I am excited to deprive you of more valuable time by further discussing my qualifications with you via telephone. This will allow me to elaborate on my qualifications, to conceal my dull personality with buzzwords, and to discuss the passions and hobbies that really make me, well, me–including an exuberant explanation of my masturbation addiction and its surprising, multifaceted relevance to this job.

Sincerely,

Some young guy who thinks he’s slick, but is in for a rude awakening

This would be a great little product, BUT when it loses reception it skips to the next channel. So if you’re trying to use this in an office, where reception of even strong stations fades in and out, it will change the frequency setting. It makes it totally useless in an office.

Someone at Coby should really fix that stupid “feature”. Otherwise it would be a great little product.

Originally posted at Buzzillions.com (legalese)

Coby CX-61 Mini FM pocket radio with Neck Strap
The unique contemporary design and convenient neck strap make this unobtrusive radio a handy addition for the busy modern lifestyle. Coby radios are for the consumer that is looking for pure Music enjoyment, fashionable design, and incomparable quality. – Lightweight Stereo Earphones Included – 3.5…

*this statement was not confirmed by checking actual records

October 2011

4:42 P.M.

As I watched every politician, television pundit, and one time corporate stooge announce their intention to join the race for the White House, I started to consider making my own run for the presidency. Hey, I have a lot to offer and I think the campaign process could actually be fun. I like kissing babies and it seems like a waste to not make use of the chemically enhanced smile I wore 48 gooey plastic strips to obtain. And besides, I don’t mind if Anne Coulter wants to call me a faggot.

So let’s just get it over with…I’m running for president. There. I said it. No big announcement. No theme song. No big deal. Isn’t that refreshing?

I’ve made a conscious decision to eschew the traditional path – graduating with honors, military service, temporary term as a small time politician. Those things simply aren’t my style. I’ve also chosen to ignore the fact that I am still too young to run for the office according to the antiquated laws of this great nation of ours. But I figure, if we’ve learned anything from W.’s two election victories, it’s that the laws of this country and presidential elections reside in realms so distant from one another that even President Obama could not straddle the two. (I’d like to point out that the previous sentence was my first dig against an opponent since officially declaring my presidency in the previous paragraph).

Where was I? My thoughts have started to wander… God almighty! Do I have to place top three in a primary before I can have a campaign staff to keep my thoughts straight?! I shouldn’t have lost my cool like that. This would never happen to Mitt Romney. He’s too smooth to let himself get rattled by wandering thoughts. But then again his thoughts don’t wander and he’s never at a loss for words. His words come straight from the mouth of God. I’ll admit it. He’s got me there. Acting as a conduit for God is not a feather I can put in my cap. (But if elected president, I would promise to wear a cap with at least one feather every day while I’m in office.) Now back to Mitt… and God. Do we really want God running this country? We threw him out a long time ago. And then W. brought him right back. He talked to God all the time, got advice, and quite frankly, if I can be honest, I think God has made a few bad decisions lately. He’s like the Ben Affleck of the metaphysical world. We all think he’s a great guy but everyone would be much happier if he’d just lay low for a while.

But I don’t want to get caught up in mud-slinging and name calling. I’m above all that. And besides, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann have been doing enough of that lately to keep everyone covered in mud while reciting children’s rhymes about sticks and stones. Speaking of stones, who knew they could be racist?!

Wow. This campaign business isn’t easy. There’s so much to remember, where you stand on every issue, who you’ve already insulted, who still needs to be insulted. I’m tired and confused already. And I’m just getting started!

Forget it. I’m not going to run for president. It’s too much work, too much travel, and costs too much money. Good luck to my fellow candidates. May your hotels have four stars, your private jets always be on time, and your haircuts cost more than the GNP of Romania.

1) “Can’t make it in today – there’s a new Marmaduke in the paper!!”

2) “To be honest, I’m just not a big Wednesday guy.”

3) “Did Jesus have to call in to the office when he was taking a sick day?”

4) “Let’s just say that I have contracted a severely infectious sexually-transmitted disease that’s currently wreaking havoc on every inch of my genitals, and leave it at that.”

5) “Ugh, whenever I’m at the office, I get that old feeling like it’s 1941 and I’m Hitler and I’ve accidentally wandered into a Nuremberg sex party wearing my niece’s powder blue negligee again. You smell what I’m steppin’ in, Mr. Blumenfeld?”

6) “Just having a little difficulty sorting out what’s reality and what’s dreamscape, that’s all.”

7) “Maybe I’ll start coming in more often when you tards stop being so anal with your whole ‘no Bang Bus at the office’ bullshit.”

8) “Today I must commence the reeducation of my Pomeranian-Beagle mix, ‘Little Lord Fontleroy.’”

9) “My nu metal band has a gig in Southeast Hidalgo this afternoon.”

10) “I need to make more time for the things that make me happy, and my roommate just bought a handle of McCormick’s Vanilla and a copy of Bumfights 4: Return of the Ruckus.”

11) “Why I gonna be crackulatin’ on y’all hood bitches when shawty’s milkshake right here in mah crib, son?”

12) “My head feels funny. And by my head, I mean my Johnson. And by my Johnson, I mean my abnormally small Johnson. Hey that reminds me, how small would you guess my Johnson is? No, come on, please guess? If you would just take a guess I’ll come in today! Please?!”

13) “Why are you calling me? Didn’t you see my Facebook status? I’m meditating!”

14) “Duh, I’ll be at my dad’s office. Is today not Take Your Child to Work Day, or what the fuck?”

15) “I know I said this last time too, but this time I really did only mean to send the sexts to the legal department, not the whole office.”

16) “I still don’t see why me cooking the fries from home today is going to pose such a big ‘problem’ for you.”

17) “Don’t you ever have those nights when you can’t fall asleep and you just lie there staring at the clock, so you help yourself to just a little too much cocaine and Percocet, and suddenly you become convinced that you’re the small, venom-spewing dinosaur from Jurassic Park, so you wander out into the park looking for small animals to eat and/or mate with, but in the process of chasing a squirrel up a large oak tree, you fall off the branch, land on your head and slip into unconsciousness, only to wake up the next morning in a strange church with your eyebrows shaved off and your hands smelling of lighter fluid? Anyway, I’ll try to make it in after lunch.”

NEW YORK—With the NHL preseason heading toward its conclusion, players, coaches, and managers wondered aloud Monday why they were even bothering with exhibition games. “Don’t we have eight months of games to play to get the rust knocked off?” Commissioner Gary Bettman said. “It’s not like any of these games are any good until the playoffs, anyway.” An official statement from the league office declared, in part, that the exasperation with the preseason had nothing to do with the total October attendance figure of 137.

Since entering public office, Texas governor Rick Perry has profited from multiple land deals that, according to critics, were the result of his political connections. What do you think?

• 

  That shows the exact kind of corrupt savvy a president will need to get this country back on track.

  Dorian Flood
  Unemployed

• 

  I’m not buying it. Everybody knows Perry made his millions through a string of prudent livestock investments in the ’80s.

  Steve Brown
  Gambreler

• 

  Yeah, exactly. Being a Texas governor is awesome.

  Bernard Langford
  Systems Analyst

Still furious over his inability to inflict damage upon numerous pieces of high-quality Samsonite luggage many years ago, Bobo the Gorilla severely pummeled Samsonite CEO Frank Jurgens into a life-threatening coma yesterday. Bobo, a 550-pound African lowland gorilla, became enraged upon seeing the man singularly responsible for the development of the extraodinarily durable, long-lasting luggage.

Although in the past, Samsonite’s high-quality, durable luggage withstood the pounding of the Bobo the Gorilla, Samsonite CEO Frank Jurgens proved less damage-resistant, suffering massive internal hemorrhaging.

“It was horrible, just horrible,” one witness said. “The gorilla would pick him up, spin him around, and throw him down, then hit him with the luggage. It would set him up against the wall in a half-conscious slump, get a running start from the other side of the room, then smash into him with the suitcase and rebound off the wall. It’d pick him up and spin him around in a pinwheeling motion, then throw him at the floor and bounce him against the wall again. It’d jump on his head, bounce up and down in a squatting motion on his chest, then pick him up and start the whole process again.”

Witnesses reported that the gorilla’s choice of weapon proved especially damaging to his victim, as its rugged, quality construction was able to withstand the most strenuous levels of wear and tear without damage, maintaining its durability as the gorilla repeatedly smashed it into Jurgens’s head, neck, chest and back.

The beating, which took place behind a barricaded door in Jurgens’s deluxe mid-Manhattan office, lasted for over 20 minutes, and was observed via camera by the building’s security staff. Unable to break through the gorilla’s barricade to save Jurgens, they were helpless to do anything but watch the muscle-bound animal pummel Jurgens with blow after blow, expertly wielding the suitcase as a bludgeoning tool.

The gorilla, born in the lowlands of Central Africa and transported to the United States at age two, seemed “possessed of an almost deliberate single-mindedness, clearly seeking revenge for an age-old vendetta,” before and during the attack, police said.

The tragic incident began when Jurgens visited the Bronx Zoo during a family outing. Bobo apparently became enraged upon making eye contact with Jurgens during the family’s tour of the zoo’s “Jungle World” exhibit.

“He looked right at me,” Jurgens said from his bed in the Intensive Care Ward of Mt. Sinai Hospital. “I swear to God, his beady gorilla eyes looked right into mine. It was obvious that our fine product’s wear-resistant design had caused him years of frustration, and that he unleashed this pent-up anger in an outburst of savage catharsis.”

Shortly after seeing Jurgens, the animal “went ballistic,” according to witnesses, leaping over the concrete safety pit surrounding the enclosure and repeatedly tearing at the iron bars separating him from zoo visitors with his teeth and fists. Eight zoo staffers and large doses of tranquilizers failed to subdue the creature, who finally escaped by tearing a set of keys from a zookeeper’s belt.

He resumed his pursuit of Jurgens, eventually catching up to him at his downtown office, where he trapped him in the penthouse and barricaded the door. All told, Bobo pursued Jurgens, who had risen to prominence within Samsonite’s ranks after featuring Bobo in a highly successful advertising campaign in the mid-’70s, for over four miles.

In the process, Bobo fended off capture attempts by no fewer than 12 zookeepers, a fully mobilized unit of horse-mounted police, and over 20 highly-trained Samsonite security guards. Although several of these men and women were mildly injured in their failed attempts to subdue the primate, the only person to sustain serious, prolonged injury was Jurgens, whom the revenge-crazed animal “deliberately singled out,” according to several witnesses.

Zoo authorities claim the animal has never shown any sign of violent behavior. In fact, sources said, Bobo has always been an unusually docile gorilla, his friendly and responsive demeanor making him a favorite among children.

“He’s such a cooperative animal that it seemed natural to use him in the television commercial,” Bobo’s trainer and personal attendant, Hank Prando, said. “Little did we know that the luggage’s exceptionally fine craftsmanship would prove too much for the poor beast’s mind to take.”

After finishing the near-fatal beating, Bobo calmly sat down and rested for a few moments, then proceeded to quietly remove the office door’s barricade and surrendered peacefully to authorities.

“He seemed so happy,” said one policeman present at the animal’s surrender. “As they took him away, I saw a look in his eyes of utter peace. It was as if a weight he’d been carrying for years had finally been lifted from his shoulders.”

Adolph Katz Dry Goods (1724-1726 E. 7th Avenue)
The Katz Dry Goods store was erected about 1924 as office space for the Italian Club. The balcony on this 2-story brick edifice, unlike many other originals, is entirely of cast iron, rests on sturdier posts, and is not covered with the familiar galvanized metal roof so typical of Ybor City.

The building has a stepped parapet. The storefronts have been altered.

Unlike the consumer-oriented Platinum Pro905, the Lexmark Prevail Pro705 is designed for office use with a button-based control panel, an autodocument feeder (ADF), and other features to encourage smooth business work flow. At $200, the affordable and speedy Pro705 will be a helpful office assistant, but we hesitate to recommend it if you’re printing a lot of photos.

Design and features
The Prevail Pro705′s gray-black color palette is typical for an office printer, but its smooth edges and rounded paper input tray shave off the sharp corners and make the device look more streamlined than the traditional rectangular office printer. It measures 9.8 inches tall, 18.3 inches wide, and 15.4 inches deep so it’s easy for anyone to move and reposition around the office.

Physically, the front of the device is much more involved than the simple touch screen on the Platinum Pro905. Instead of a big touch-screen LCD, the Pro705 opts for a small 2.4-inch color LCD display with a cluster of shortcut feature buttons surrounding it on all four sides, as well as a directional pad for scrolling through menus and a number pad for dialing numbers on the fax side.

All the new printers from Lexmark include an “Eco Mode” button marked with a green leaf on the right side that triggers two-sided printing, copying, and faxing using the duplexer on the back. Lexmark also reduces your ecological footprint with Energy Star certification, and the company even includes an XL-capacity black cartridge in the box–to our knowledge, Lexmark is the only printer vendor to provide this service. In fact, most of them ship printers with a starter cartridge that contains less ink than the refills you’ll need to buy in the future.

The paper tray sits on the bottom and gives the Pro705 a unique advantage over the competition. Instead of having just a simple tray like so many others before it, the printer has a silo drawer built into the base that adds more heft and durability to the 150-sheet container. Coupled with a 10,000-page duty cycle, a 150-sheet stack should be enough for a small business.

The printer also has a small media card reader for direct prints, as well as an open PictBridge-compatible USB port that you can use to load photos for printing off a USB flash drive.

You can connect the Pro705 to a host computer using an 802.11n wireless setup or with a hardwired USB port. With the included driver disc, we were able to set up the printer to communicate using both technologies in less than 10 minutes; just make sure you have your network log-in and password available.

The printer is one of many to feature Lexmark’s newest Vizix individual ink cartridges: one with black pigment for printing text and three dye-based yellow, cyan, and magenta cartridges for color photos. Using the XL-capacity cartridges, which offer a better overall value for the page yield, we calculate the price of black ink as 5 cents per page and color ink as 3 cents per page. Both rates are about average for a small-office printer, but the HP Officejet Pro 8500 costs less per page and significantly less over time if you print a high volume of pages. HP’s printer can also handle 5,000 more prints per month than the Lexmark, with its 15,000-page duty cycle.

The Pro 705 ships with minimal paperwork to conserve paper, and you can find most of the instructions, warranty information, and promotional offers on the CD included in the box. Along with the drivers that support Windows XP, Windows Vista, and Mac OS X, the CD also automatically installs several Lexmark productivity programs on your computer.

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Most recent user reviews

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5.0 stars

“Will not be disappointed, worth every red cent!” on January 26, 2011 by GREGUL

Pros: Stellar sound quality, clean and clear at all volume levels, tight bass and not muddy, easy to use remote especially if you use gloves, durable, sweat resistant and strong, practical caring case. Earbuds fit perfectly and do not fall out.

Cons: Many people expect little or no cable noise but you gotta understand physics…jam your fingers in your ear and jump around…you’ll hear your feet thudding down, your ear canal is sensitive to vibrations…no brainer. Buy other then noise-isolating!

Summary: I work in an office and the noise of clucking hens (I don’t literally mean chickens) are around and can be loud, well, if I turn the tunes up and snap my fingers next to my ear I cannot hear the snapping or the “hens” AT ALL…perfect! My … Expand full review

Summary: I work in an office and the noise of clucking hens (I don’t literally mean chickens) are around and can be loud, well, if I turn the tunes up and snap my fingers next to my ear I cannot hear the snapping or the “hens” AT ALL…perfect! My ears are not hurting with hours of use, the earbuds stay put, awesome sound, highly recommended. I have an alergy to metal and these earbuds are rubber/plastic and well built so I have no issue with any alergic reactions to them, many of the other earbuds out there are metal casing and do cause problems for me like the Skullcandy Titaniums…good earbds but they hurt from the size and the metal did a number on my ears. I decided to shop around for over 6 months to locate the right investment of earbuds because I like the noise isolation and these puppies deliver. The price is warranted if you compare to the other choices out there for ruggedness, sound and performance so I can say I am fully satisfied with my purchase and if your like me then you’ll be happy. One recommendation is if you use an iPOD then I recommend you turn the EQ to FLAT, if you mess around with the EQ then the sound quality may not be so good because these earbuds are designed for true sound and not manufactured…which is all you need…something that you don’t need to screw around with for a good sound.