The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders’ concession stands, and a local man’s utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot. It’s the week of October 24th, 2011.
The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology […]
CHICAGO—A study of more than 1,200 subjects by the Consumer Research Institute at Loyola University has found that a significant majority of U.S. citizens want. “Regardless of their age, gender, class, education, or religion, Americans are remarkably alike in their capacity to want,” Dr. Stanley Murcheson told reporters Tuesday, noting that 33 percent of survey […]
Gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome the lovely Jasmine to the main stage! I just know that you can all agree with me when I say that she is smokin’ hot. What a woman! If I have one criticism, I guess it would have to be Jasmine’s song selection. I don’t know about you […]
BLOOMINGTON, IN—As Indiana University students began moving into their assigned residence halls Wednesday, freshman Martin Mattucci told his new roommate Corey Dwire not to worry about hiding his acts of masturbation. “I just want you to know, right off the bat, that I’m cool with you jerking off when I’m around,” said Mattucci, who added […]
<!– GA_googleFillSlot(“1x1_specialreportlogo”); –> Pawlenty Drops Out August 16, 2011 | ISSUE 47•33 Following a poor showing in the Iowa straw poll, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced Sunday he was no longer seeking to become the Republican nominee for president. What do you think? I don’t see how this is going to help his campaign […]
LOS ANGELES—Musician Eric Clapton announced Wednesday that his next album, Eric Clapton Plays The Blues, would be a collection of songs primarily influenced by blues music, a genre the 66-year-old guitarist said he enjoys very much. “I’ve always been interested in blues music, and this album will really explore that interest,” Clapton told reporters, explaining […]
Budweiser Can Sports New Look Budweiser, the second-bestselling beer in the United States, is giving its can a new design featuring red, blue, and gold motif. Here are some other changes the can has undergone over the years: 1936: The first Budweiser can was introduced as a convenient alternative to making the trip to the […]