NiniaPimp Magazine

The Great Sports Books

To mark the publication of The Ecstasy Of Defeat, The Onion takes a look at the proud tradition of sports literature.

• Paper Lion, Again: A 74-year-old George Plimpton returns for another lighthearted look at trying out for the Detroit Lions and is surprised at how easily he earns the starting quarterback job for the 2001 season
• Moneypuck: Details how the shrewd Atlanta Thrashers managed to go 11 seasons without paying a single player
• My Losing Season: The anonymous author looks back on playing basketball his senior year of high school, and although the book is compellingly written, its title completely ruins the ending
• In The Rough: Author Jay Goldsmith spends countless hours with some of the all-time greatest PGA golfers and explains to each one of them just how much he fucking hates golf
• The Book Of Basketball: Two paragraphs in, Bill Simmons’ 736-page tome sets a new record for how quickly a sportswriter can become long-winded, get off topic, and start grating on your last nerve
• Charlotte’s Webb: E.B. White’s timeless story of how an unlikely friendship with a dying barn spider inspired Spud Webb to win the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk Contest
• When Pride Still Mattered: David Maraniss details the life of Vince Lombardi, vividly capturing a man who overcame responsibilities as a father and husband to succeed in football
• Bullet In The Brain: Tobias Wolff’s elegiac two-page story reminds us all that no matter how rich or tragic our lives, baseball is the last thing we think of before death

DECATUR, IL—Not wanting to appear old or frail in front of his family, 78-year-old Gordon Isensee did everything in his power Thursday to make his first crippling fall look as cool as possible. “I felt my knees buckle and I knew I had to act quick to try to make it look as smooth as possible,” Isensee said. “I crumpled to the kitchen floor but managed to extend my arms out, say ‘Ta-da!’ and tell everyone who was standing over me that I’d be there all week. I think that really impressed them.” Isensee then spent the entire ambulance ride thinking about the perfect catheter joke he could tell his grandchildren when they visited him at the hospital.

2011 College Football Preseason Poll

With college football season almost upon us, it’s time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.

• 1. Oklahoma: Not a bad team, but pretty obviously here because the coaches and reporters lack imagination
• 2. Alabama: Somebody called them up and asked if they’re still a really good team, and they said yes
• 3. Oregon: LaMichael James a leading candidate to take Heisman Trophy, be forced to return it in five years
• 4. Florida State: The Seminoles have proven themselves worthy of a top-10 ranking by—wait, nobody has proven anything. The season hasn’t even started. How does any of this matter in any way imaginable?
• 5. Boise State: Cue complaining in 3…2…1…
• 6. Florida: Several former backups who are stepping into starting roles have plenty of losing experience from last year to draw from and try to do the opposite of
• 7. Auburn: The Tigers have lost far too much talent this year to qualify for a bowl title they will later be stripped of
• 8. Arkansas: Just because star running back Knile Davis is out for the season doesn’t mean the Hogs can’t be ranked in the top five; it has more to do with the fact that they just aren’t as good as those other teams.
• 9. Wisconsin: Pound for pound, this team weighs the most pounds of any in NCAA football
• 10. Michigan: Actually not even in anyone’s top 25, and also, fuck them

State Fair Season

Every year around this time, American states hold fairs to celebrate the agriculture and industry that make them unique. Here are some of the attractions that draw people to their state fairs:

• Deep-fried lost-and-found kiosk
• Chance to get a good look at the sturdy new crop of 4-H girls
• Pigs racing against other pigs who will all be slaughtered soon enough
• T-shirt stand on the midway featuring only the finest airbrushing artisans and their wares
• Way-too-interactive theater troupe
• Duck pond game that we are so taking down this year
• A parade!
• Stunning gigantic produce adorned with dazzling blue ribbons, almost equally impressive gigantic produce with attractive red ribbons, and substandard gigantic produce with shameful white ribbons

Question: Is there anything you would like to say to our fans?
BISON:  First off, I would like to thank the fans of wrestling. Thank you for your loyal support through these difficult times in the professional wrestling business. This interview is going to focus mainly on the Japanese, Puerto Rican and a little on the United States wrestling Business. If you are a WWE or TNA fan you may not know who I am but just read the interview to get a different aspect of the wrestling business. I guarantee it will be a good read.

Question: How did you become a fan of wrestling?
BISON: I started my athletic career in Fresno, California. In 4th grade I started to play football and amateur wrestle. Doing those sports I supplemented the two with weight training. I started lifting weights regularly when I was 13
years old.
I worked out at Gold’s Gym. I loved lifting weights more than I did playing football or amateur wrestling. Some kids played video games some rode dirt bikes but I loved to hang out at Gold’s Gym.
I noticed a group of guys would come into the gym once a month. These guys were monsters to me. They would lift heavy weights, they looked like movie stars and they were huge. I was really in awe of them and I told myself, “I wanted to be like them one day.”
I asked around the gym wanting to know who those people were. Some didn’t know but one guy told me they were pro wrestlers. So I went to a local grocery store headed to the media section and looked through some wrestling magazines.  I saw the same guy’s at Gold’s Gym that were in those magazines. They were WWF wrestlers.
My family had just got cable television and on the USA network there was a show called Tuesday Night Titan’s. I watched it every week along with the other WWF programming. I also watched World Class and AWA on ESPN.
This is right before the WrestleMania’s and the Rock and Wrestling connection started on MTV. When I saw Roddy Piper break that platinum record glass frame over Lou Albano’s head, let me tell you, I was hooked on wrestling.
Every time the WWF came to town I went to the shows. Before the shows I would wait around Gold’s Gym all day just to see the wrestlers work out. I remember one time Ken Patera and I talked in the locker room. He went to BYU with my high school football coach. He was really nice to me and we had a good conversation about power lifting. That was Patera’s specialty and at the time I was into it also.
After High school I accepted a scholarship to play football at the University of Colorado. I kind of lost interest in watching pro wrestling until one day this monster came into the University of Colorado’s weight room. Again, I was in awe of this guy and I wanted to know who he was.
They told me his name was Leon White and he played for Colorado back in the 1970′s. Then they told me he was a pro wrestler working in Japan under the name Big Van Vader. This was right before he got signed by WCW. Vader would rarely come to the gym and work out but when he did I tried talking to him and he was always pissed off  and unapproachable.
I started to watch WCW because of Vader. He was a real heel monster and I loved watching him destroy people. When he would show up at the gym I would again try to talk wrestling with him and again he would treat me like an asshole.
After I graduated college I was done with football. People ask me why I didn’t try to pursue the NFL. The truth is I was a stupid young kid that felt burned out on football and at the ripe old age of 22, I retired. I will always consider that a huge mistake I made in my life. I will always regret not giving it a shot.

Question: How did you become a Pro Wrestler
BISON:  When I was at the University of Colorado the football players were treated like Gods. It was first class. Best hotels, being fed the best food,  playing in front of 70,000  people at Folsom Field in Colorado or in Nebraska and Oklahoma. We went to a bowl game every year. Staying 2 weeks in Florida for the Block Buster Bowl against Alabama. Staying in Phoenix, Arizona to play Syracuse in the Fiesta Bowl. We stayed in Hawaii two weeks for the Aloha Bowl my senior year.
Then after my eligibility  was done they told me, “You can’t do this anymore,” you feel like you have been dumped in the middle of nowhere. I was a civilian for the first time in my life.
What next? Get a 9 to 5 job? I was a 290 lbs. 6’3 gorilla. How was I going to convert from an athlete to a regular person? I couldn’t, I stuck out, and I wasn’t normal looking. Me in a suit and tie?…… please.
I approached my old strength and conditioning coach Doc Kries about him talking to Vader about possibly getting me into the wrestling business. His response was not good. It seemed that there were two football players before me that Vader helped get into the business. These two idiots made Vader look bad. I guess they were sent to the Power Plant, WCW’s training school, were given special treatment because of Vader and they totally blew it by being jackass’s.  So Doc Kries told me Vader is not interested in getting ex-football players into the business.
I was crushed. I kept staying on Vader about it. I begged him to give me a shot. Vader just didn’t like me for some reason. So I decided and said to myself, “Screw him, I am going to do this the hard way.”
Back then the Internet was in its infancy. The business was so tightly sealed no one would know where to go to be a wrestler. Back then you had to know someone. Well, the someone I knew didn’t give me the time of day so I was in the dark on how to get into the wrestling business.
It was probably 3 years after my football career and I was working at a furniture store in Denver moving sofas for a living. What a depressing time in my life. I was a fat, beer drinking warehouse worker with zero direction. This was the time the WCW WWF wars were heating up. I can honestly say that is when the business was at its best.
Every Monday night was wrestling night. I was so hooked on wrestling then.  I was so determined to become a wrestler but I didn’t know how to get into the business, it was so frustrating.
I remember one time WCW was in town for a Nitro tapping. I couldn’t go because I had to move sofas but on my lunch break I drove to the Denver Coliseum to try to talk to anyone who knew how I could get into the business.
I approached this roadie or some crew guy that was smoking a cigarette next to one of the WCW semi trucks. He told me to call the head quarters at 1 CNN center. So I called, talked to some lady, she asks, “Do you have any experience as a pro wrestler?” Stupidly, I said, “NO.” She replied, “I am sorry sir we can’t help you.”
One of my co-workers at the furniture store got a new computer and had the Internet hooked up. I thought the Internet was the coolest thing then but today it is killing wrestling, but that’s a whole other story.  So, I got the bright idea to put,” pro wrestling schools,” into the search engine. The first one that popped up was All Pro Wrestling in Hayward, California. I told myself ,”Pack your bags your going to wrestling school.”

Question: Tell us about your training.
BISON:  To be honest, God was on my side when he directed me to APW. At APW I was trained the right way. At APW I was trained in an, “old fashioned style.” The old fashion style is paying your dues. Learning how to wrestle slowly and laying a strong fundamental foundation before you have your first match.
I didn’t start my training learning a power bomb or a choke slam the first day. I did cardio drills the first two weeks. At first, it pissed me off that I wasn’t in the ring learning wrestling. But when I did finally make it to the ring, I didn’t like it.
In wrestling you have to learn how to fall right to protect yourself, this is called, “bumping.” For 5 months all we did was bump. It hurt, it was really painful. My whole body ached. It was way tougher than playing football. I really didn’t think I was going to make it. The class I started my training with consisted of 48 boys. After 9 months it was down to 3 men including myself. Pro wrestling is very brutal to a person’s body and how I made it was without a doubt the toughest thing I have ever done.

Question: Tell us about the first couple years of your wrestling career.
BISON:  My first match was in 1998 against a guy named James Watkins. It was a good match but you could tell I was not comfortable being in front of people and I just wrestled awkward. I was very bland. The fans didn’t like me. I couldn’t talk on a microphone. Truthfully, I sucked my first 2 years of wrestling. I am sure there are people today who still think I suck but back then I really sucked. I had no concept of how to be a wrestler.
After about two years the promoter at APW decided to put me in a hood, a mask, and make me this, “Old School Heel,” type wrestler called Super Destroyer 2000. Once I put that mask on it changed me. I was more relaxed in the ring. I started having good matches. I was moving forward. The gimmick was getting over with the fans and it felt good that I was being accepted as a credible wrestler.

Question: What was your biggest highlight the first couple of years in wrestling?
BISON:     I had an opportunity to work for a Hollywood promotion called the Urban Wrestling Alliance. I say Hollywood because it was filmed in Hollywood and was backed by Hollywood money.
The whole concept would be based around an,” Urban,” theme. African Americans, Puerto Ricans, Native Americans, Mexicans and Samoans were the good guys. Well, the bad guys would have to be White. So I was hired to come in and play a Texas redneck.
They had 8 pilot episodes to film. I was in Los Angeles for 3 weeks. I was making $200 a day and at that time it was gold to me. Some of the wrestlers that were a part of it were Orlando Jordan and Sonny Siaki.
It was such a great experience. I got to feel Hollywood and it was cool. Catering trucks at our shoots. I went to acting classes. I got to wrestle in the Grand Olympic Auditorium.
The pilots were sent to test markets on the UPN network like Dallas, Miami, New York, Chicago and a few other cities. They were running late at night going against some other ethnic shows. The pilots got good ratings but none of the networks picked up the show.
Looking back I can see why it failed. First of all it was too Hollywood oriented. They were hiring actors to be wrestlers. They were training actors in
3 weeks how to be wrestlers. That’s impossible.
The people doing the booking were Hollywood scriptwriters. That will never work even though it still is happening today in other promotions. I remember one time an acting agent was directing story lines. People calling the shots had no clue how to run a wrestling promotion. I was still very green at that time of my career but I was getting paid to be a wrestler and I was back to that life style I had when I played football at Colorado, so I was happy.
When it failed, again, I was crushed. WCW had just been bought out by WWF and jobs in the industry got scarce. It was 2000, I wasn’t getting any younger and I was seriously thinking about quitting, in fact, I was going to quit. I told everyone I was finished and I had an opportunity at a great promotion at my 9 to 5 job to be an executive at a major retail store.
People understood where I was coming from and they wished me well but the man who trained me thought I was a fool to quit.
I will never forget Mike Modest and I were standing in the parking lot at APW. He was desperately trying to talk me into staying in the business. I told him I had had enough. Modest told me to stay around for just one month because
he and some others were trying to get a Japanese wrestling promotion to come to APW and scout some talent. So I stuck around.
That next month 3 Japanese men representing a Japanese wrestling promotion and a television crew and reporters from Japan came to APW to watch some matches. I had a match with Tony Jones. It was a good match and Tony made me look good but I also made him look good.
After the matches I thought they would say, “Thanks for your time we will keep in touch.” No, what they did was, they pulled 3 of us one at a time into the office of APW. I was the last to get called in. I sat down and remember looking at the 3 Japanese men and thinking, ” what do they want from me?”
One of the Japanese men spoke dead on perfect English. The other two were silent and had these deadpan scary intimidating faces just staring at me with those cold looking eyes. We had a conversation and the Japanese man that spoke perfect English said, “Congratulations, you’re going to Japan to work for Pro Wrestling Noah .” I thought to myself, “for who?”

Mason Raige Interview – Afro-Squad Exclusive
by the SnowMan

The first word that springs to mind when one sets eyes on Mason Raige is inevitably – “power.” Standing six feet four inches tall, and 263 lbs of solid muscle, it’s not difficult to see why he is known as professional wrestling’s premier powerhouse.

Mason how are you doing today? I’m doing very well, thanks.

So, where do you wrestle? Wherever the wind takes me. How’s that for philosophical? I’m currently based in Louisville, Kentucky, so I wrestle here in the area. I’m also wrestling in Indiana, Chicago, New York, Ohio, Tennessee, etc. Since you asked, I’m currently accepting bookings, so any promoters who are looking for an added attraction, get in touch with me!

Are there a lot of good wrestling videos of you online? If so, where can we find them. They’re all on my site, www.masonraige.com We’ll be adding some new videos very soon as well, so be sure to check them out. I have some excellent people working on my site, specifically NZPWI Editor Kirsty Quested. She’s top notch and does a great job. My video editor, Marion Velocci, is also extremely talented. Definitely take a look at the 40+ videos we have posted. More are on the way as well.

As you know, Afro-Squad does a lot of wrestling videos. You can find them by visiting our MySpace page and clicking on the videos link. Is there a chance you’ll be wrestling in Florida where we can tape you? I don’t have any upcoming dates in Florida, but I’d love to wrestle there. Like I said, Florida promoters, get in touch with me. You won’t be disappointed! And then we can make some exciting videos.

So how tall are you and how much do you weigh? I’m 6’3 out of wrestling boots and weigh between 255 and 260. If you catch me on a good eating day, it might be a bit more.

We saw you do a one handed gorilla press. That was fantastic. We’ve never seen that before. Is that a regular move for you? Thank you. I do my best to be innovative. I’ve actually seen one or two guys try to copy it, but it’s never as good as the original! There’s nothing worse than carbon copy wrestlers, which we seem to see a lot of these days. I do try to get in the one-handed press when I can. It’s always a possibility when you see Mason Raige in action.

How much do you max? What does a typical bench workout look like for you? My training these days is very systematic and is more about reps and burn than actual poundage. And you should know that the bench press does not measure one’s real strength. But since you asked, I have benched over 400 pounds when I was lifting heavier and have done over 500 pounds for forced reps with a sturdy spot. Now, I’ll work up to the 315 area, sometimes more, sometimes less. But like I said, it’s never about the weight. It’s about how hard one works.

When you hit the gym, what types of things do you really enjoy? What stuff do you usually avoid? Funny you should ask. I enjoy writing and wrote a piece on gym etiquette. I’ll attach it here:

Gym Etiquette

Some of the most bizarre and interesting people can be found in gyms across the country. In my tenure as a weightlifter, I have come across a slew of freaks, geeks, and weirdos. Here are some tips on how to behave in a gym and, more importantly, how to keep away from the oddballs.

1. If you sweat like a pig, carry a towel with you. There is nothing more disgusting than a pool of sweat left on a machine by some sweaty slob. If I’m waiting for a bench, there’s nothing I want to see less than a sweaty outline of your carcass. What kind of person does this?

2. Talk to as few people as you can. People who go to gyms frequently are lonely souls and look to establish relationships with anyone who will make eye contact. Pick a spot on the wall, or stare down at the floor. Better yet, wear a hat and pull it down over your eyes. It may sound anti-social, but you’ll thank me later.

3. Don’t spend 45 minutes on a machine or a bench. Nothing irks me more than some moron who says he has 15 sets left when I ask if he’s almost done. 15 sets, huh? How’s that marathon weightlifting working out for you, you fool? How about I take my size 15 and kick your teeth down your throat?

4. Wear clothes that fit you. Just because they make spandex in your size doesn’t mean you need to wear it. Sweats or shorts and a t-shirt work so well, so why do so many wear outfits that draw attention to their cellulite and low-hanging guts? And pal, there is no reason for those shorts to be as tight as they are. It looks like you’re smuggling plums in your shorts.

5. If at all possible, avoid flexing in the mirror. Hey, we all do it at home, but give me a break if you’re flexing in the gym. I’ve seen Mr. Olympia contestants flex less during a contest than one of these social outcasts. Oh, and to the guys who pull up their shirts in front of the mirror to flex their often non-existent abdominals: not only do you not impress anyone, but you are also really embarrassing yourself…a lot.

6. Invest in a really good Walkman…is that term outdated now or what? One of my best investments was my IPOD. Not only does it protect me from inane conversations and lurking losers who want to ask how I built my delts (if I had a nickel for every time I was asked a fitness question in the gym, I’d have a lot of nickels), but I have over 1300 songs that set the tone of my workout. Tones range from intense to ultra-intense to get the hell out of my way to Mason Raige is in the house! If the tone is Raige, a lot of poundage is going to be moved, so stay on your toes. They say that music soothes the most savage beast, but my IPOD is responsible for just how animalistic my workout will be.

7. Lift what you can handle. So many morons want to impress the gym rats and stack weights on the bar that they couldn’t lift if they had two friends on either side of the bar plus a big, big bowl of Wheaties right before they came to the gym. It’s been said a million times, but it’s not how much you lift; it’s what you do with the weight you’re lifting. Whenever someone asks me what my max is, I know right away that I’m talking to someone who is either a buffoon or knows nothing about weightlifting. Sometimes it’s a buffoon who knows nothing about anything, so I generally just walk away using a very brisk pace.

8. This one is simple: if you want to practice your pick-up lines or carry on deep, meaningful conversations, go to a Starbucks or to a club. You don’t belong in the gym, and nobody likes you.

9. Working out in jeans, sandals, shorts with dress socks, shorts with dress shoes, or a sweater makes you look like a real clown. Workout attire is quite affordable, so invest in some.

10. If you’re one who walks around like you’re carrying suitcases, you are a jackass. Flailing your arms outward and pretending your lats are much more developed than they are is fooling nobody, and, believe me, many people are laughing at you. I met Dorian Yates, who is easily one of the most freakish bodybuilders in history, and his arms didn’t flail as much as some of the yahoos I see in the gym. Walk like a human and not an ape. That shouldn’t be too hard to remember.

What are your thoughts on supplements? When you go to a store like GNC, what do you stock up on? I’m pretty basic when it comes to supplements. A good protein powder should be the staple for anyone. I’m a big fan of Gaspari products like SuperPump and SizeOn. MuscleTech Products are really good as well. I usually try different products and will continue to use something if it works well. A pre-workout Speed Stack is always nice. My favorite supplement though is InStone chocolate pudding. I can’t get enough of that stuff!

What are your thoughts on pain killers? I am sure there are times where you are in pain. What’s the best way to fight pain? Pain is a big part of wrestling, but I’m not one who takes pills. I usually don’t even take Advil if I have a headache. I’ve always been that way and luckily have always been healthy. I do know a lot of people who have had problems with pill addictions, which is another reason why I don’t go that route. However, I don’t have an addictive personality, so I would take medication properly if prescribed I guess. But there’s a big difference between use and abuse with anything, especially controlled substances.

What are your thoughts on steroids and HGH? I’ll go on record now and say I’m probably the least educated wrestler when it comes to steroids and HGH. I truly know nothing about them. They’re just not for me. I live a healthy lifestyle and have been blessed with good genetics and an excellent work ethic, so I steer clear of drugs of any kind. The way I figure it is that as long as there are giants in wrestling over 7 feet tall and over 400 pounds, why should I risk my well being to add 15-20 pounds of muscle? Will it really make that much of a difference? I’ll be fit and in the gym until the day I die, so I’ve chosen the best path for me. However, I’m not casting dispersions on those who use performance-enhancing drugs. To each his own.

Do you think wrestling could exist today without the use of illegal pain killers, alcohol, and steroids? Are you saying that drugs are what make wrestling what it is? That’s a silly question. Wrestling is built upon athletics, storylines, and larger-than-life characters. Although it seems as if drugs are running rampant in wrestling, people have to remember that each athlete makes his own choices in life.

Who have been your most well known opponents? Working down in OVW has afforded me the opportunity to be in the ring with some of today’s top WWE stars and future stars I’ve also been up to Raw and Smackdown a few times and have worked out with a lot of very popular stars.

How long have you been wrestling? January will be five years. I stepped into the ring for the first time in January 2003.

What are some of your biggest matches? As long as there are people in the seats, every match is a big match. Wrestling the Dudley Boyz in Long Island’s NYWC was a big match in front of a very large crowd. Honestly, too many to list. All are important at the time, and then it’s on to the next one.

What do you love about wrestling? Unfortunately, most of what I love no longer is seen. I loved the larger-than-life characters, the slow and methodical feud builds, and the storytelling that went on both inside and outside of the ring. I loved Piper’s Pit, Hulkamania, the Superfly Splash, the short promos in the corner of the screen during a match, and the banter between Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. Wrestling captivated me as a young kid and drew me in deeper than I could’ve ever imagined.

What was your biggest (or one of your biggest) mistake(s) in wrestling? Probably starting too late in my life. A lot of guys start in their early teens, but I didn’t get started until later. However, I went to college, got a BA, then earned an MA and etched out a great career as an English teacher before even stepping in a ring. Although I started a bit late, I brought a lot of life experience and intellect into the ring. Some wrestlers can’t even spell intellect!

What injuries have you had? Thankfully, nothing too serious. My worst injury was a torn adductor muscle that kept me out of action for almost five months. It was extremely painful, and I kept aggravating it until I took off the time to heal.

Have you ever injured anyone? If so, how? Isn’t that the goal of any fight? I don’t understand the question. Any time my hand is raised and my opponent is sprawled out on the canvas, I’d assume he’s injured. (No, I’ve never injured anyone, thank God).

Is there anything you would like to promote? Maybe a website, promotion, or t-shirt… Of course! Check out www.masonraige.com There are photos, videos, writings, and great merchandise like $10 t-shirts, DVDs, hats, and even watches! I’m all about the merch! Quality merch!

Is there anything else you would like to talk about? Sure, let’s talk more about me. Mason Raige. The Modern Day Man of Steel. Pro Wrestling’s Premier Powerhouse. Keep your eyes on me as I plan to do big things in the wrestling business. YOU CAN’T CAGE THE RAIGE!

Thanks for your time. My pleasure. You guys keep up the good work! Long live Afros!

Afro-Squad Exclusive Interview
Lexington Deja Vu Stripper Iesha
by the Red Ninja

Iesha, how are you doing today?  I’m doing great.  How are you?

Fine.  Let’s start with the obvious.  Is Iesha your real name?  You don’t look like an Iesha?  No, it is a stage name.  On my first day of work, I didn’t realize that I needed a name.  The song Iesha was playing, so I chose that.

Well, that is very creative.  Do you have a cool stripper last name as well?  If not, I recommend Star… considering how many stars you have tattooed on your body.  No, I don’t have a last name.  For some reason Deja Vu doesn’t let you change your name.

Weird.  I think it would be a good way to promote yourself.  So, who are your friends here at the club?  I am good friends with Lacey.  She’s a real cutie.

I haven’t seen much of Lacey.  Where is she now?  She’s in the back text messaging.  People say she’s a lesbian, so she only comes out with the guys when she has to.

Well it is pretty empty in here.  I can see why she is writing her girlfriend.  By the way, have you ever had a lesbian affair?  Well, I had a girlfriend for a while.  However, we broke up.  I found out that she was cheating on me.  She bought a dildo, and she used it on a friend before she used it on me!  I was like, “What the hell?  Don’t even touch me with that!”

Wow, that’s very tacky.  You know, that never happens to me.  You know what else, I am thirsty.  Where is the waitress anyway?  I don’t know.  I heard she quit.  You can ask the bouncer for a drink.

Isn’t he carrying a machete?  What’s up with that?  Yeah, he thinks it makes him look intimidating.  It is a real machete.

Nice club.  I’ll wait for a drink. So what’s the story with the VIP room?  Well, it is $100 for a half hour.  You get a half hour lap dance with plenty of friction.  I’ll even take off my panties, if you like.  It is also quieter.  We can talk and nobody can see what we are doing.

What about the drinks.  Do you get a kickback if I buy you a drink?  Yeah, if you buy me a $5 drink, I get $3.  The waitress gets one dollar (plus tip) and the bar gets a dollar.

Would you prefer a $3 tip or a drink?  I prefer the tip.  I am not thirsty.

How much do you make off a $20 lap dance?  I see about 7 to $10 dollars of that.  We get a different percentage.  The more lap dances we get, the larger percentage we make.

I didn’t realize there was so much math here.  It is easy, we mostly use one dollar bills.

How often do the girls have to ask you if you want a lap dance?  Every three or four songs.  There is a light that comes on and then it does, we have to make the rounds.

What piercings and tattoos do you have?  I have several stars going around my waist.  I also have a cross tattooed on my lower stomach.  Furthermore, I have nine piercings.  Five are in the ears.  Two in the nips.  One in the lip, and i have one down there.

Wow, that’s a lot of holes for one girl.  How old are you.  I am twenty eight.

Where are you from?  I’ve lived a few places.  I grew up in Gross Pointe Farms, MI.  Then I moved north to Mio, MI.

I’ve never been to Michigan.  So, what brings you to Kentucky?  I like the warm weather.  It is nice here.  My brother used to live here, so it made sense.

Have you done any modeling?  Yeah, I worked for NationalBeauties.com.  They were supposed to pay me royalties, but they never did.  They are out of business now.  Screw them!  I also did some album covers for a local band.

You kind of look like a friend of mine, Melissa Milton.  She’s one of the Milton Twins.  In fact, you also look like another girl (at this club) Kimberly.  Have you heard that before?  Yeah, we get that a lot.  She’s only 18 though.

Well, don’t you think that the three of us should get together and hang out in the VIP room?  I definitely agree.  You look very much like a VIP to me.

Vance Archer / Lance Hoyt interview

Kid Kash recently made the jump to WWE. What do you think of him? I think Kash is awesome, and I hope only the best for him. He helped me out a lot and it would be great to work with him again.

Why did you stop using the name Dallas? Dusty Rhodes is the one that made the decision for me to change my name.

What do you think of TNA’s current product? Is the company going in the right direction? I think TNA has all the chance in the World to be something great.

Where do you see yourself in five years? Who knows I could be World champ or Mr. Hoyt English teacher.

What inspired you to become a wrestler. I love the athleticism and theatrics of the business.

By the way, how tall are you? Did you play college basketball? I’m about 6ft 8in tall. Only in high school. I played mostly football.

You’ve really gotten in good shape over the past few years. What does your average day’s diet look like? I eat about six times a day and try and keep it as clean as possible. But I have a horrible sweet tooth and have to fight with myself not to eat candy and stuff of that nature.

What supplements do you use, and what are your primary sources of protein? I use a lot of Meso Tech products and Met Trx supplements. Food and Bars are my main sources.

What’s your favorite lift in the gym? Is there an exercise that you swear by? I love working back. The bent over row and hanging Pull ups. Can’t beat it.

What are your thoughts on steroids? Some people feel it’s the only way to get ahead in athletics. Everyone has to make their own choice and suffer the consequences if they are caught.

Is there anything you would like to advertise, talk about, or tell your fans? Yea everyone check out Hoythoythoyt.com when they get a chance. Let The world know Hoyt is the real Deal. Preorder your very own Lance Hoyt action figure at ToyWiz.com.

Who are your role models? In Wrestling Sting, In Life Jesus Christ.

Thanks for your time. Thank you.

Wrestling Star – Mr. Fantasy

Mr. Fantasy and Sexy Samantha

Mr. Fantasy, how are you doing today?
I’m doing well. Thanks for asking.

Let’s start with your early career. Who trained you?
I was trained by the Armstrongs. Mainly Steve but Scott and Bob had a hand in it also.

What moves did you learn first?
Just he basic stuff. How to lock up, an arm bar, a hammer lock, a head lock. Like I said just the basic stuff.

What advice have you taken from other wrestlers?
When I 1st started I was given the best advice a young wrestler could be given. I was told to just keep my mouth shut and always listen to what you are told.

What are the biggest names you have wrestled?
I have been lucky enough to be in the ring with some big names. Just to name a few. All the Armstrongs (Bob, Scott, Steve, Brad and Brian-Road Dog), Buff Bagwell, Tommy Rich, I tagged with Dr. Tom Prichard. A few more but that is enough for now.

Who do you enjoy wrestling in the ring?
Heck yeah beats wrestling on the floor. Just kidding. Yeah I enjoy getting in there and mixing it up.

A lot of our fans saw your match with Dan Delicious and Uncle Vinnie. What do you think of that match? We thought your interactions with Dan were quite entertaining.
Thanks, I appreciate that. Dan and I have worked each other a lot and usually have good matches. It is so easy to work with him. He does his thing and you just react. As far as the match goes. I thought it was ok. I mean there is always something that could have been done better but over all it was ok.

Who is Sexy Samantha?
She is my wife. I meet her right after I stared training. For the 1st year I wrestled she just rode with me. I was a good guy and really didn’t need a valet. Ever since then I have been a bad guy and she has been with me.

If you had a televised WWE match, what would you want J.R. to say about you?
I would hope he would say I was entertaining. That I gave my all every time I was out there. Heck, to have JR say anything about you would be an honor.

Do you have any signature moves? If so, can you explain them?
I usually drop an elbow off the top rope to finish my matches. Nothing to special. I do have one move I guess. I place my opponent in a razor edge and then drop them into a diamond cutter.

Are there any wrestlers that you compare yourself to?
Not really. Now I do look up to a couple of wrestlers. Bob Armstrong and Ric Flair. They have had some influance on my career.

As a wrestler, what do you do best?
I would say entertain. When I am out in front of the crowd I do my best to keep them into the match. Wheather I have to tell someone to shut up or tell someone I am going to whip their ass next. Just try to entertain.

What do you think you could improve on to take your game up one step?
There are a couple of things I could improve on. I mean everyone can improve on something. I would say my body and my actual wrestling ability. I never said I was a good technical wrestler.

Is there anything else you would like to talk about today?
I would just like to say thank you to the Armstrongs. They took me in like I was family and that means a lot to me. I would also like to say I am a very blessed man to be able to do this for the last 7 years and say I have given my all every time I was out there.

What do you think of Ultimate Wrestling?
I think it was ok for the 1st show. There are some things I would have done differently but it’s not my show so I just show up do my thing get paid and leave.

What do you think of other wrestling companies in the South?
There are some good ones and some not so good ones. Over all though the good ones out way the bad. I guess here are to many in the Gulf Coast area. Sometimes its seems like some guy run across some many so he goes out and buys a ring and tries to put on a show. Most of the time they have no idea what they are doing and that looks bad on the other organizations that are out there trying to do it the right way.

Thanks for your time.
No problem. Thanks for having me. Take care. Until next time just remember.

I’m not the whole show,
I’m not the big show, but
I am the best damn part of the show.

D-Ray 3000 (Don Crisis) Interview D-Ray 3000, Don Crisis
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