NiniaPimp Magazine

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

I was working at a haunted house and my job was to basically get violently murdered every time a new group of kids came in. One time as the kids were clearing out, one of their dads groped me.
Elle B

A few weeks ago at the clothing store I work for, a woman came in demanding a refund for some destroyed-style jeans her daughter had purchased, which she claimed were damaged. I politely asked her if she could please point out the damage for me and hand me her receipt (which she didn’t have). She replied by asking me if I was “f*cking retarded” and motioned to the intentional rips down the front of the jeans.
Shannon C

I was babysitting a very spoiled little girl and her mother asked me to get her to clean her room before the maid came. The room was not that messy, but two soiled pull-ups lay on the floor. The little girl agrees to carry one pull-up to the trashcan downstairs, but proceeds to throw a 30 minute tantrum because I refused to dispose of the other pull-up for her. The girl was 8 years old.
Jan Mullen

Our only IT guy at work won’t let me download Firefox because he’s afraid it will give my computer a virus. Instead, I’ve been using an out-dated version of Internet Explorer.
Cara E

As I turned 16 I decided to get a job at McDonald’s. During my first hour, I was asked to work in the back-room, as the guy in their was having some problems, I was told. It turned out the guy couldn’t read (not so much of a problem with that, I’m just setting a scene).
Anyway, after the hour I was sent to learn French Fries. The guy teaching me was an odd sort – mainly as he didn’t utter a word to me. After 10 minutes, I saw he drop something into the vat of fat, just out the corner of my eye. He then went on to reach INTO the bubbling hot fat to fish it out whatever it was that he dropped. 5 minutes of screaming followed, he then went to the hospital.
After that some one got electrocuted playing with a plug socket.

Honest.
One love McD.
Michael Hopkin

Today a ‘fresh off the streets’ bum came into work looking for a job and we told him we were full staffed and not hiring. He was nice but kind of loopy and giggly. He then said he had a Louisville slugger bat at home that he would happily use on new hires’ kneecaps in order to get the job. He was laughing but, I don’t get the idea he was joking.
zed du

I used to work at a movie theater a 20 theater cineplex, and one day a big festival in town was rained out. We had three ushers on shift(the clean up people), and one had to tear tickets, well every movie was sold out, and the managers refused to call anyone in. Well the other usher and I had to push all the trash under the seats, and at the end of the day i left a note to the Night crew saying sorry, and why it was so dirty. the next day my manager chews me out for telling the night crew how he was to cheap to have some more people come in.
Justin a

I work in the IT Dept. We had a server crash over the weekend.

I came in on Monday and had our HR manager ask me to make sure we let her know in advance the next time it’s going to happen.
T P

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Check for your boss before visiting M Thru F!

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This fail picture or video was posted on Wednesday, October 5th, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Before we begin this job interview at your fine establishment, you should know I carry a dark secret. No, not the felony thing. We’ve been over the felony thing- just listen, okay? The secret, my dear sir, is that I am gifted with psychic powers.

How you chuckle. My my, how you chuckle.

You might question me like so many others, but as you stare deep into my eyes you’ll see your own eyes reflecting back at you, terrified, and you’ll freak out because, haha, I just stole your eyes.

Eye-stealing is just a thing us psychics do.

Am I qualified to be your new barista? No. But am I qualified to see the mysteries of fate unfold before me? Yes. Also, wait, I am totally qualified to be your new barista.
Maybe I should just start over.

Yes Mr.Rubin, I am indeed psychic. People have…scorned my abilities before. The other children used to mock me cruelly, calling me names like “Fatty”, “Fatso” and “Lord Fatterson, Duke of Whales” just because I happened to be psychic. As an adult that mockery turned to fear and anger as the normals claimed with my powers, I was tampering with the laws of nature and also their locks. They even had the audacity to ask why I was doing my funny spaceman dance at Mr.McGuire’s wake. And do you know what happened to them? Do you!? Well I do. Because I’m psychic.

Just by talking briefly to a woman in a bar, I can tell you if she was probably just a bitch anyway and wasn’t even that hot and we should find a different bar because the girls here are stuck-up. Merely by glancing at someone, I can tell you if they are secretly Black. And most impressively, I can hypnotize people into doing most anything, just by giving orders while waving my magic ‘gun’ around.

And if I weren’t psychic, how could I predict all those reports about and a super-cool gunman
even before the police completely blew it out of proportion?

A resume? Forget such trifles. Would you ask for a resume from the man who was Snoop Dogg in a past life? I don’t think you quite understand the extent of my powers. Sir, I can move objects using only the power of my hands. I bet on sporting events when I know the outcome already, laughing with malicious joy I place down my wager for already-promised riches.

Unfortunately, my bookie, Psychic Paul, is even more psychic than I.

Women ask me to bless their babies with the bountiful gift of my child support payments. Men ask me to bless them with the bountiful gift of leaving their wives alone. I am feared, loved, feared again, generally resented, pitied, then asked to leave the library quietly, sir.

People sometimes ask me if it’s difficult being psychic, if it somehow takes the magic out of living to see the whole path of life stretched out before me like a banquet. They wonder if the vastness of the infinite, that web of possibility that is multiplied by every choice, every chance, and every flap of a butterfly’s wings could surely drive any man mad. How then can I hold such immense divine knowledge and still retain my sense of humanity?

To them I respond being psychic is something like being drunk, in the sense that I am.

That’s usually when the vomit train pulls in.

There are of course skeptics who say I’m no psychic. They go to all sorts of insane lengths to challenge me, pulling out “questions” and asking for “proof”. I have tried to quiet such skeptics with extra-sensory feats before, such as correctly revealing the intimate thoughts and affairs of a family I have never even met before, the Kardashians, but even this was not enough for them. Neither was the feat of when I correctly predicted 100 straight coin-flips, even when they flipped almost half of them wrong so they didn’t count. And even my legendary ability to make women extremely uncomfortable without even saying even saying a word was found lacking to confirm my abnormal talents. Ultimately it took my finest psychic act to convince them: I correctly predicted they were about to get punched right in their stupid faces. Such visionary genius elicited the praise I deserved as well as numerous requests for me to stop punching them, please.

I’m not a right fit for the job? So be it. Well, thank you for your time anyway, Mr.Rubin. I wish you the best of luck in finding a barista, and I offer my sincerest condolences for the mysterious upcoming dents on your car outside.

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

I work at a large department store in the electronics section. One time, i was doing some cleaning, when i noticed a man climbing the racks that held the TV’s. I asked him “Excuse me sir?” and he promptly responded with “Don’t worry, i am just plugging in this microwave”. Confused, i walked off and called a manager, but before i could even get through to them, i heard the microwave in use, and went back over to see what was happening. The man was using the microwave to cook his noodles. I started to laugh, and in the middle of my hysterics, he walked over to the counter and grabbed at the store pager. Before i could reach him, he spoke into the microphone, for the whole store to hear “Hey Brett, your noodles are ready at the electronics section”. I had a hard time explaining how this was allowed to happen to my manager.
M J

I work on the helpdesk of an IT company, and one day my boss tells me that one of the hard drives in one of the servers has failed. He asked me to go into the server room and find out which drive had a red light on it, as opposed to a green light. There are around 200 hard drives, and I am red-green colourblind. I spent 20 minutes searching for a red light before I gave up.
Chris Gill

I work as a radio host in a small town. Now, radio announcers are a breed all their own. We are all pretty weird but our fans are straight out of the wood work. I had this one regular listener who liked to email me during the show. One day the guy is going on about bacon and tells me about the whole case of bacon he just bought. He proceeded to tell me how he likes to cook his bacon and then asked and I quote “do you also like to fry up and eat bacon?” I also got some request letters from listeners in prison. For some reason, some of them sent letters written in red ink and it shows through the envelope. Needless to say, I’m always relieved to open red written letter to find that it’s pen and not blood.
Adrianna Smith

I work at a grocery store as a stock boy, and one day as I finished stocking the ice cream section a lady comes up and asks where a specific brand of non sugar ice cream is. After I tell her that we do not carry that particular brand she proceded to freak out because a different store in the city has it and she knocks down all the ice cream off the shelves i just finished stocking. It took me an hour clean it up.
Johnny Hopkins

I work as a shift-runner at a local pizza restaurant. The other day, we were robbed at gunpoint about thirty minutes before closing time. The robber got what he wanted and no employees got injured. As per company policy, we locked the doors after he left and called the police and the store owner. I’m the only employee who didn’t have their phone stolen, and am trying to get a hold of the owner. I called both his house and cell phone more than twenty times each. Finally, I left a voicemail explaining the situation and asked him to call us back as soon as possible. Ten minutes later, he calls back and asks “Did you guys just get robbed? How much money did we lose?” The conversation goes on for about four or five minutes and ended with me finally saying, “Oh, and nobody got injured in case you were wondering…”
Jim T

I work in a nice restaurant in a rich suburb and typically have to deal with snooty assholes with ridiculous demands. There’s this one regular who frequently comes in and tells her server just a little too much about her life. Her latest story- how she was attacked by a man with a knife who is now in prison until 2036. All i wanted to do was drop off her wine, but she kept me there for 10 minutes to describe every horrifyingly graphic detail of the attack. Who does that??
Maddie Corydon

I got a job as a busboy at a new restaurant in town, and in the mornings before opening they made us stock the bathrooms and one morning my buddy and i were cleaning the womens bathroom, which was usually more disgusting due to tampons, and in the handicap stall there was this small bag with brown marks on it. My buddy thought it was a sun glass case, he touched it and i screamed when i recognized what it was, a colonostomy , or shit-bag for post surgery people. So i gloved up and picked it up while shit started to flow out of the opening and drip on the floor. Guess who cleaned that up too.
Tristan Idaho

Submit yours here!

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

I work as a reporter for a small newspaper, which is actually a pretty cool job. But, because we are small, I sometimes field customer calls. One time a lady called with two complaints. She wanted to cancel her newspaper because there wasn’t enough news in the paper, which was, of course, a legitimate complaint. Her other beef? Not enough obituaries.
Ben Montgomery

So, I work at an ice cream shop. I was working the drive-thru intercom, and I had to pee REALLY bad. Pretty much to the point that it was all I could think about. The next car rolled up, and instead of saying the usual “Hi, can I help you?” I accidentally said “Hi, can I go to the bathroom?” The guy in the car said “I don’t know, can you?” I ran straight to the bathroom, and didn’t tell anyone until a while later. The girl who helped him was a confused why one guy kept making bathroom references at her.
ice cream girl :)

I work at a chain subshop and I am running the store by myself. We have a bell on the counter for people to ring if somebody isn’t up front. Usually people ring it once but while I was in the back doing dishes a man decided to ring it over and over again until I appear. He then procedes to tell me “About time you made it up here.” With this comment I assume he’s in a hurry but turns out he has no idea what he wants. So after staring at the menu board for what felt like forever he starts to ask me how much everything costs. He is staring at the board, at the prices and was still asking me. So I’m annoyed at his stupid question but then he drops a real gem of a question. “Is the $5 footlong and 12 inch or a 6 inch?”
Meg Kirsch

I work in a health food store and I always try to be extra considerate when i see old men in the men’s “performance” sextion. While helping one very open customer, he started going into descriptive and highly graphic detail about his troubles with his unit. I sent him on his way with a product to help, and I was left with an overmhelming need to shower. About a month later he comes back with rave reviews about the product, again with great detail about how long he lasted, what it felt like, the quality of his orgasm (ick) and he topped it all by letting me know “I thought of you when I finished”.
M Sharp

When I was working at one of the first jobs I had, McDonalds, I received a “fun” chore. My boss comes to me and asks that I throw the rest of the garbage bags that are on the compactor room floor into the compactor.

Doesn’t sound so bad, but it was the middle of winter and the compactor had shut down from the cold. So everyone was simply dropping the full bags of garbage on the cold concrete floor (eventualy resorting to throwing them into the room from the doorway) and it had been pilling up for the last week or so. There was so many bags that the floor was not visible and to get to the compactor I had to do the deep-snowbank-step overtop. Garbage hills were raised up on the sides of the walls. Since it was winter and the bags used thin plastic, the McD’s excrement that had seeped out of the bags had frozen to the floor and each other. This made it impossible to pick up a bag without a high chance of the bag ripping and its contents spilling out. I managed to get the compactor working again and crushed loads of garbage at intervals, but it kept shutting down from the cold, requiring me to stand there manning the on and activate buttons. My supervisor made regular visits to ask me to hurry up.

I managed to clean the entire rotten, frozen amount of garbage into the compactor in two hours in below freezing temperatures. God I stank after that. Cleaned myself up in the bathroom and went back to work.
Brad E

I worked at a summer camp over the past three summers and I taught a class to help boys earn a badge of merit focusing on patriotism. A requirement is that you keep up with national news for five days, so we read articles each day of class. One kid wanted to read, so I let him. He used his “black lady voice.” This class was all white boys, ages 11-14, so I say “Tell me to stop eating all the chicken in that accent.” He looks at me, in front of everybody, and says, “The way we spell chicken is F – R – I – E – D, motha fucka!”
He was 12 years old…
Paul S

Submit yours here!

MARION, AR—Though intended to cheer up family members, the unflagging optimism of 4-year-old Shelby Cooper has served only to exacerbate the financial stress her parents have experienced since her father lost his job two years ago, sources reported Monday. “It used to make me smile when she’d say, ‘Don’t worry! You’ll get a million dollars!’” said Ken Cooper, admitting he has since grown to dread his daughter’s good-luck nose kisses. “But now when she crawls onto my lap and tells me I shouldn’t be sad because I’m the strongest Daddy in the whole world, it just makes me feel like an even bigger failure.” At press time, Shelby was coloring a picture of her mother, who when reached for comment said drawings of her leaving the hospital on a rainbow only made her worry more about how the family would pay for her cancer treatments.

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

So I work as a cashier at a large electronics store. One day while I was working a man comes up to pay for some ink and a few cables. As I am giving him his receipt and his items he hands me a some money and says, “I think you deserve a tip.” After he leaves I look at the money and its a $1,000,000,000 bill with a bunch of religious writing on it about how money is evil and only religion can save you.
Mike W

I work as a security guard at a hospital. The other night I called up to a room to “fix a problem” with one of the TVs. Apparently, we get soft-core porn on that channel, and the patient was refusing to let us turn it off
T Shaw

I work at a health food store as a cashier, and today when ringing up a fairly large woman, she pulled her money out of her bra to pay. My first thought was how “classy” this was and then as i grabbed the money, my second thought was how gross this was!! It was covered in what i hope was sweat and not breast milk, and stunk like a full garbage truck on a mid-summer’s afternoon. I guess my face reflected how i felt about the smell and wetness because then she said “You don’t have to be so rude about it, I didn’t have pockets to put it in.”
S M

I had just started working at a retirement home and although I didn’t have any former experience in the line of work, I liked it. However, about a week after I started I was alone for two hours (between shifts) and was panicking a bit, scared that something would go wrong. A resident’s sister was visiting and they where in her room. Suddenly, the alarm that one press when something bad is happening went of from her room. I ran over, scared shitless, just to be greeted by the sister who says “We would like two cups of coffee, please.”
Sara T

I used to work at a university IT Center. My job was mainly to help the students that walked in to use the computers. One day, a student walked in, she was pretty old, probably in her late 50s. Anyways, I’m sitting down on a table and she sits next to me. She sits down, greets me, and out of nowhere asks, “You wanna meet my little friend?” before pulling a turtle out of her pocket.
Gilbert Anonymous

I started working at a bar/restaurant as a cook at the beginning of summer classes in college to help out with bills and such. Anyways, a month and a half into the job I notice the deep freezer that I had cleaned out, unplugged and left open was on and shut. I open it, to see a blanket in there. Me, being kind of curious as to why there is a blanket in the freezer, started digging around in it. A few seconds of digging I felt fur. Then I saw fur and that it was just a deer carcass. An hour after that event, I was asked by my boss to help him carry something quick. He needed help carrying the “deer” carcass out. So, I asked why is he freezing the carcass as a whole. He says its not a deer, but his dog that had just died the day before. Alright, back to cooking I go, as well as soaking my hands in bleach before I did anything else that night.
John Doe

I worked in a hardware store and we don’t usually get the smartest customers. I believe the best time was a lady coming up to me with two packs of AA Batteries. She then proceeded to ask me what the difference was between the 8AA and the 16AA batteries. I then had to explain that was the number of batteries in the package, the see-through package, which was twice as big as the other one.
Daniel C

Submit yours here!

Hooter’s Waitress Sally Interview

AfroSquad Exclusive Interview:
CZW’s Chrissy Rivera, Manager of Champions

Chrissy, can you give us a basic bio on yourself?
Well my name is Christina but most people know me as Chrissy. I’m 25 years old.  I am originally from Staten Island New York, but I currently living in South Jersey. I am half Puerto Rican and half Italian, so I possess master skill in both tire slashing and cement shoe making! I have a full time job during the day, college student by night, and pro wrestler/manager on the weekends.

Who trained you as a wrestler?
I was originally trained by Neeno Capone then was taken under the wing of Jon Dahmer.

What have been your biggest moments in wrestling?
Some of my biggest moments would have to be joining BLK OUT in 2006. Ruckus, Sabian, Robbie, Joker and Eddie have all taught me so much about wrestling and I owe a lot to them. Another moment would be managing the Genius Lanny Poffo who is my ALL TIME FAVORITE. It was great working with him. Working in Canada was also a great moment in my career. The fans are absolutely wonderful and I hope to go back soon!

Have you taken any nasty bumps?
Being in the business and working for CZW!  It is basically a given that you will take some nasty bumps. I will do whatever it takes for my boys to win, even if it means having to go through a table or taking a kendo stick to the behind every now and then.  (I’d like to thank Noel Harlow for the kendo stick marks across my behind!)

You seem to have a lot of marijuana references on your page. What do you think about Mary Jane?
HAHA! Well asking about my thoughts on Mary Jane is like asking a girl her weight! You just don’t do that! If you wanna know more, Google BLK OUT and that should speak for itself.

For the folks who don’t know, what is Blackout?
BLK OUT is the most successful & talented stable in indy wrestling today. The group consists of Ruckus, Sabian, Joker, Robbie, Eddie Kingston & myself. BLK OUT is very well known and each member bring something special to the group.

Do you date any wrestlers?
I have dated wrestlers in the past. I don’t have a preference, or that I date ONLY wrestlers. I try to date people who make me happy and are not PSYCHO!  Why, is the Mulletmaster single?

Do you have any desire to work for the WWE?
No. Now don’t get me wrong, if the WWE came knocking on my door, offering a contract, I would accept. It would be a great opportunity.  However, I am not trying to work for the WWE. I do have tons of respect for the company and roster.  They all work very hard day in and day out.

The WWE management seems to like female wrestlers with breast implants. What do you think about breast implants?
I have nothing negative to say about implants. If it makes you happy, why not? I have no desire to get them, but some people feel they need to get them to feel better about themselves. I say if it makes you happy then do it.

Where can fans see you?
Come check out Combat Zone Wrestling at the old ECW arena. They usually run on the second Saturday of every month. Also come check out Maryland Championship Wrestling, ACW in Denver, pa and DCW in Delaware. You can check out my myspace page (www. myspace. com/chrissy_rivera) for my wrestling schedule and calender for dates and times.

What is your current theme song?
It varies, usually whatever BLK OUT comes out to. When I wrestle alone I usually come out to “Boom Boom Boom” by the Vengaboys.

Can you tell us something cool about yourself?
Hmmm. I don’t know anything “cool” but i used to play a lot of sports. Soccer, field hockey and cheerleading. I also used to be on the drill team in school.

What would be your dream match?
I would have loved to wrestle Sherri Martel. I have so much respect for that woman, she was TOUGH and didn’t take crap from anyone!

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Hopefully happy and healthy. I want to have a good job, eventually move from my apartment into a house. Who knows where five years and wrestling will take me? I may still be wrestling or I may not.  I just hope to be successful.

Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?
Check out www. czwrestling. com, www. marylandwrestling. com and Youtube for BLK OUT clips and matches!!!

Dr. Sharon Mitchell Interview

Sharon Mitchell is the Director of the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation, that she set up in 1998. She is a retired erotic actress, with an amazing career spanning over two decades.  She has since earned a Ph.D. degree in human sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco.”

Dr. Mitchell’s film credits include such classics as Wadd, The Life and Times of John C. Holmes, The Top 25 Adult Stars of All-Time, The Legend of Ron Jeremy, The Family Business, E! True Hollywood Story (Ginger Lynn and Linda Lovelace), The Legends of Sex, over 450 other movie titles, and she was the medical assistant in Houston’s World’s Largest Gangb@ng – 620.

NinjaPimp.com is an online magazine that interviews adult film stars.   Quite a few of them say that you are the best doctor that they’ve ever worked with.  Can you explain to our friends how you are involved in the adult industry?
WHY YES, I WAS AN ACTRESS, PRODUCER, DIRECTOR, AND FEATURE DANCER IN THE ADULT INDUSTRY SINCE 1975.I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE IN PUBLIC HEALTH, AND A PH.D IN HUMAN SEXUALITY.  I AM A BOARD CERTIFIED CLINICAL SEXOLOGIST, WHICH MEANS I AM CAPABLE IN BOTH THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ISSUES SURROUNDING SEX, AND THE STUDY THEREOF.  (GYNECOLOGY, UROLOGY, COUNSELING) SO, WITH MY EXPERIENCE IN THE INDUSTRY, AND MY FORMAL EDUCATION, I AM VERY SYMPATHETIC TO THE ENTERTAINERS IN THE INDUSTRY.  PERHAPS THAT IS WHY FOLKS ARE SO HAPPY TO SEE ME, AS I HAVE NO JUDGMENT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX.

Well, thanks for your time.  Good luck in the future.

Read AIM’s performer responsibility sheet