NiniaPimp Magazine

Husband Calls For Greater Restrictions On Pier One Imports

ISSUE 33•16 |
04.29.98 | News in Brief

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL—Fed up with what he called an “unacceptably high influx” of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan called for tougher restrictions on Pier One imports during a living-room press conference Monday. “If steps are not taken, this house will soon be overrun by end tables, pillowcases, glassware, throw rugs, bath towels, lamps and stationery,” said Pollan, addressing his wife, Suzanne. “The flow of Pier One imports into this house must be significantly reduced, or I will order a total embargo on merchandise from that store, as well as a freeze on all joint credit-card accounts.”
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Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

ISSUE 39•11 |
03.26.03 | News in Brief

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell’s motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex. “We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things turned all businesslike,” Pell said. “He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each piece of clothing, then he wouldn’t do anything but missionary.” Following the methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes “spooning” before Viselic dressed and left.
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DENVER—Seeking to create a shopping environment more inviting to potential customers, Blue News Adult Books and Novelties announced Monday that it had opened an in-store café. “Now people can enjoy a latte and a black currant scone while they’re thumbing through the latest issue of Furry Femmes or Cunts Who Put Out,” bookstore owner Ronald Powers said as he sprayed bleach on the seat of a booth. “They come in for the coffee and the free Wi-Fi, but then browse around and wind up buying a bottle of Slip-N-Glide and a King Dong. We’re offering a personalized experience you just can’t get from online retailers.” Powers added that the café would serve only the finest Guatemalan fair-trade coffees and the filthiest, most exploitative all-anal action available in print.

Nursing-Home Residents Mate In Captivity

ISSUE 39•42 |
10.29.03 | News in Brief

COLBY, KS—Following six months of failed attempts under intense observation by geriatric scientists, Briarwood Nursing Home residents Horace Klass, 86, and Helen Veukmaan, 83, successfully mated in captivity Monday. “As with most new arrivals to Briarwood, Horace and Helen at first seemed despondent,” Briarwood’s Dr. William Stander said. “Before long, though, they grew accustomed to their new habitat, and Horace soon felt comfortable enough to approach Helen. Indeed, Horace ultimately proved quite aggressive.” Briarwood employees report that, after mating, Klass provided Veukmaan with half a box of windmill cookies.
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September 16, 2011

Recent Sunday Magazine

• ‘I Was Supposed To Fly From Tampa To Atlanta On 9/11′ One Printing Consultant Shares His Story

  09.09.11 | ISSUE 47•36

• What Was Your First Concert? Ours Was Queensrÿche In ’89 

  08.26.11 | ISSUE 47•34

• Some Rugs To Cover Up Your Floor Real Nice

  08.19.11 | ISSUE 47•34

More Sunday Magazine

• 

  We Overcome Our Fears And Publish This Photo Of A Scary Spider

  08.15.08 | ISSUE 44•33

• 

  People Who Plug Their Ears When An Ambulance Passes By: Pussies, Right?

  10.01.10 | ISSUE 46•39

• 

  We Interview A Hockey Goalie: Sure, Why The Hell Not?

  03.27.09 | ISSUE 45•13

September 2, 2011 | ISSUE 47•36

Recent Statshot

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  What Are We Bringing With Us To College?

  08.27.11 | ISSUE 47•34

• 

  Why Are We Holding A Microphone?

  08.19.11 | ISSUE 47•33

• 

  What Childhood Fears Are We Confronting?

  08.12.11 | ISSUE 47•32

More Statshot

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  Favorite Mixers

  04.15.09 | ISSUE 45•16

• 

  Top U.S. Delusional Beliefs

  05.31.00 | ISSUE 36•20

• 

  School Days

  09.02.98 | ISSUE 34•05

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Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug

September 1, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•35

An Iowa entomologist discovered a corn rootworm that has evolved to be resistant to a pesticide produced by a genetically modified corn plant the Monsanto company developed to ward off that very bug. What do you think?

• 

  That’s why I always add extra pesticides to my produce the minute I get home.

  Julie Aldred
  Unemployed

• 

  Uh-oh, you don’t want to make Monsanto angry. Those worms had better get ready to have their asses sued off.

  Dan Holloway
  Immunohematologist

• 

  You sure are talking up these rootworms quite a bit. Whose side are you on, anyway?

  Terry Tyler
  Meat Cutter

Recent American Voices

• Perry Became Millionaire In Politics

  08.31.11 | ISSUE 47•35

  Since entering public office, Texas governor Rick Perry has profited from multiple land deals that, according to critics, were the result of his political connections.

• Half Of Adults Obese By 2030

  08.30.11 | ISSUE 47•35

  According to the British medical journal The Lancet, 50 percent of Americans will be obese by 2030 based on current trends in diet, nutrition, and exercise.

• New Species Count: 8.7 Million

  08.29.11 | ISSUE 47•35

  According to a recent statistical analysis of Earth’s biodiversity, there are currently 8.7 million different species on the planet. What do you think?

• Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes

  08.26.11 | ISSUE 47•34

  A Russian rocket carrying nearly 3 tons of supplies for the International Space Station crashed five minutes after takeoff, an accident expected to delay the return of astronauts to Earth. What do you think?

• Steve Jobs Resigns

  08.25.11 | ISSUE 47•34

  Said to be in poor health, Apple CEO Steve Jobs stepped down late Wednesday. What do you think?

Recent News »

• 
  
  Circus Train Wreck Not Funny, Investigators Emphasize
  09.01.11
  

• 
  
  Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree
  08.31.11
  

• 
  
  Ongoing Iraqi Violence Almost Makes American Invasion Seem Pointless
  08.29.11
  

• 
  
  Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out
  08.27.11
  

• 
  
  Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can
  08.26.11
  

• 
  
  Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill
  08.24.11
  

• 
  
  Report: At This Point, Most Americans Feel More Comfortable In Dying Economy
  08.23.11
  

• 
  
  Nation’s Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree
  08.22.11
  

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August 26, 2011 | ISSUE 47•34

Recent Sunday Magazine

• Some Rugs To Cover Up Your Floor Real Nice

  08.19.11 | ISSUE 47•34

• We Take You Inside The Bizarre World Of ‘Competitive Athletics’ Or ‘Sports’ 

  08.12.11 | ISSUE 47•32

• 10 Hot Tips For Covering Up At The Beach Because We Know You Ignored Our 10 Hot Tips For Getting A Beach Body

  08.05.11 | ISSUE 47•31

More Sunday Magazine

• 

  Boo! Why You Were Not Remotely Scared By This And How Foolish We Feel For Even Having Tried

  10.30.09 | ISSUE 45•44

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  Eastern Religions: Which One Is Best For Your Abs?

  11.25.05 | ISSUE 41•47

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  SalAkshmi Split

  04.20.07 | ISSUE 43•16

August 26, 2011 | ISSUE 47•34

Recent Sunday Magazine

• Some Rugs To Cover Up Your Floor Real Nice

  08.19.11 | ISSUE 47•34

• We Take You Inside The Bizarre World Of ‘Competitive Athletics’ Or ‘Sports’ 

  08.12.11 | ISSUE 47•32

• 10 Hot Tips For Covering Up At The Beach Because We Know You Ignored Our 10 Hot Tips For Getting A Beach Body

  08.05.11 | ISSUE 47•31

More Sunday Magazine

• 

  Boo! Why You Were Not Remotely Scared By This And How Foolish We Feel For Even Having Tried

  10.30.09 | ISSUE 45•44

• 

  Eastern Religions: Which One Is Best For Your Abs?

  11.25.05 | ISSUE 41•47

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  SalAkshmi Split

  04.20.07 | ISSUE 43•16

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Qaddafi Regime Ends

August 22, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•34

Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi’s reign. What do you think?

• 

  Yeah! We did it! Didn’t we?

  Dominic Heriot
  Running Rigger

• 

  This is a victory for the Libyan people. Just look at the jubilant crowds on the streets of Tripoli. I assume the women are enjoying quiet celebrations at home.

  Amy Lethbridge-Stewart
  Glass Tinter

• 

  I’m tired of countries not having the courtesy to contact people to reschedule their tourism-surgery before they have a revolution.

  Keith Shaw
  Pattern Hand

Recent American Voices

• ‘Extreme Couponing’ Craze Increases Newspaper Theft

  08.22.11 | ISSUE 47•34

  A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers. What do you think?

• Abercrombie Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship

  08.19.11 | ISSUE 47•34

  As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie Fitch has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association with him is “contrary to the aspirational image of the brand.” …

• 1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls

  08.18.11 | ISSUE 47•33

  According to a new survey from the Pew Research Center, 30 percent of cell phones users aged 18 to 29 have feigned calls in the past month to avoid certain social situations.

• FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown

  08.17.11 | ISSUE 47•33

  The Federal Communications Commission is looking into an incident last week in which Bay Area Rapid Transit allegedly shut down mobile phone service in an effort to prevent a protest over the BART police’s second fatal shooting since 2009.

• Pawlenty Drops Out

  08.16.11 | ISSUE 47•33

  Following a poor showing in the Iowa straw poll, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced Sunday he was no longer seeking to become the Republican nominee for president.

Recent News »

• 
  
  Nation’s Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree
  08.22.11
  

• 
  
  Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship
  08.20.11
  

• 
  
  FBI Uncovers Largest Credit Card Scam In History After Raiding Visa Headquarters
  08.19.11
  

• 
  
  Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear
  08.18.11
  

• 
  
  Pawlenty Supporters Can Only Dream What It Would Have Been Like If Candidate Dropped Out 2 Months Later
  08.17.11
  

• 
  
  Nation’s Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance
  08.17.11
  

• 
  
  Eric Clapton To Release New Album Inspired By Blues Music
  08.16.11
  

• 
  
  Visa Exposed As Massive Credit Card Scam
  08.15.11
  

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