NiniaPimp Magazine

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

I was working at a haunted house and my job was to basically get violently murdered every time a new group of kids came in. One time as the kids were clearing out, one of their dads groped me.
Elle B

A few weeks ago at the clothing store I work for, a woman came in demanding a refund for some destroyed-style jeans her daughter had purchased, which she claimed were damaged. I politely asked her if she could please point out the damage for me and hand me her receipt (which she didn’t have). She replied by asking me if I was “f*cking retarded” and motioned to the intentional rips down the front of the jeans.
Shannon C

I was babysitting a very spoiled little girl and her mother asked me to get her to clean her room before the maid came. The room was not that messy, but two soiled pull-ups lay on the floor. The little girl agrees to carry one pull-up to the trashcan downstairs, but proceeds to throw a 30 minute tantrum because I refused to dispose of the other pull-up for her. The girl was 8 years old.
Jan Mullen

Our only IT guy at work won’t let me download Firefox because he’s afraid it will give my computer a virus. Instead, I’ve been using an out-dated version of Internet Explorer.
Cara E

As I turned 16 I decided to get a job at McDonald’s. During my first hour, I was asked to work in the back-room, as the guy in their was having some problems, I was told. It turned out the guy couldn’t read (not so much of a problem with that, I’m just setting a scene).
Anyway, after the hour I was sent to learn French Fries. The guy teaching me was an odd sort – mainly as he didn’t utter a word to me. After 10 minutes, I saw he drop something into the vat of fat, just out the corner of my eye. He then went on to reach INTO the bubbling hot fat to fish it out whatever it was that he dropped. 5 minutes of screaming followed, he then went to the hospital.
After that some one got electrocuted playing with a plug socket.

Honest.
One love McD.
Michael Hopkin

Today a ‘fresh off the streets’ bum came into work looking for a job and we told him we were full staffed and not hiring. He was nice but kind of loopy and giggly. He then said he had a Louisville slugger bat at home that he would happily use on new hires’ kneecaps in order to get the job. He was laughing but, I don’t get the idea he was joking.
zed du

I used to work at a movie theater a 20 theater cineplex, and one day a big festival in town was rained out. We had three ushers on shift(the clean up people), and one had to tear tickets, well every movie was sold out, and the managers refused to call anyone in. Well the other usher and I had to push all the trash under the seats, and at the end of the day i left a note to the Night crew saying sorry, and why it was so dirty. the next day my manager chews me out for telling the night crew how he was to cheap to have some more people come in.
Justin a

I work in the IT Dept. We had a server crash over the weekend.

I came in on Monday and had our HR manager ask me to make sure we let her know in advance the next time it’s going to happen.
T P

Submit yours here!

12Gracie12 from Johnson,KS on Sep.302011

Adorable!!! I love this little guy. I recommend getting it from the store, when we bought are zombie baby there was three of them there. The others heads were shaped in a thin oval that was unapealing. Unlike the picture shown the ceral number is printed on the diaper, and the lines were he was put together are very destinctive. His feet are falling apart, but I like it better that way, he looks like he is decomposing. He had a strong rubber smell so buy early to let he air out. He is just what we wanted he completes are homeade nurse outfit, we also got a tub of blood from there we plan on spraying on the baby and myself. Perfect and adorable, Spirit Halloween has never disappointed me and still hasn’t! Can’t wait to see peoples reaction this halloween!!!

Originally posted at Spirit Halloween Costumes (legalese)

Slay Time Zombie Baby Prop
Adoption Certificate It’s always play time for the sleeping vampire zombie baby – except he never sleeps and he’s always hungry – for blood! Play time becomes ugly with this Slay Time Sleeping Zombie Baby® Prop, especially if you reach in to give him a hug or a kiss. Bring him to the party because …

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me using this cool automatic submission form!

The night of Homecoming, I went to a mixer between my sorority sisters and a fraternity. I ended up clicking with a guy, playing jenga for hours, then finally getting down to the dirty as the sun rose. We passed out and woke up at noon, just in time for all his fraternity brothers to start rising and making breakfast. I had no choice but to walk through the kitchen wearing last night’s clothing. He walked me out but I definitely heard his round of applause as he headed back inside. On the upside, he asked to see me again.
Melissa F

One time my wife and I were watching TV when a commercial came on for a restaurant, showing food and what not. She gets a big grin on her face looks at me and says, “Wow, that smells so good!”
Michael B

I got dumped over the phone by my ex and she was mad at me because I was not upset about being dumped. Sorry that I took it so well?
Mark D

My girlfriend was a carrier of mono. Eventually, I got mono from one of our make-out sessions. When she found out that I had mono and we couldn’t suck each other’s faces, she cheated on me with two of my friends because I had mono….which she gave me…
Aaron D

Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex, she will yank on my nipple ring if she thinks I’m about to climax before her. Well, the last time we were going at it I thought it would be funny to pretend that I finished before her and piss her off… she ripped it right out..
Mike

When I stay at my girlfriend’s place, she sleeps on the side of the bed furthest from the alarm clock, and every morning when it goes off, while she is still fast asleep, she swings with an open palm and full force to hit the snooze button, but smacks me in the face instead…
Jimbob M

Drunk, stoned, or sober my girlfriend is annoying.
E S

At the end of a nice first date, the guy I was with told me that I reminded him of his ex-girlfriend but “less of a crazy bitch.”
S L

So yesterday my girlfriend of 10 months texts me about how she had just fallen asleep on her ex’s lap while he had a boner. This was about around midnight when i was home in bed. thanks for sharing babe…
A

My girlfriend got angry at me for masturbating. Now she thinks I don’t do it anymore.
A

Whenever I give my boyfriend a handjob, I like to make sound effects.
E M

Whenever I haven’t shaved for at least a day my girlfriend uses my scruff as a backscratcher, facescratcher, or an armscratcher.
Matt M

Submit yours here!

1) “Can’t make it in today – there’s a new Marmaduke in the paper!!”

2) “To be honest, I’m just not a big Wednesday guy.”

3) “Did Jesus have to call in to the office when he was taking a sick day?”

4) “Let’s just say that I have contracted a severely infectious sexually-transmitted disease that’s currently wreaking havoc on every inch of my genitals, and leave it at that.”

5) “Ugh, whenever I’m at the office, I get that old feeling like it’s 1941 and I’m Hitler and I’ve accidentally wandered into a Nuremberg sex party wearing my niece’s powder blue negligee again. You smell what I’m steppin’ in, Mr. Blumenfeld?”

6) “Just having a little difficulty sorting out what’s reality and what’s dreamscape, that’s all.”

7) “Maybe I’ll start coming in more often when you tards stop being so anal with your whole ‘no Bang Bus at the office’ bullshit.”

8) “Today I must commence the reeducation of my Pomeranian-Beagle mix, ‘Little Lord Fontleroy.’”

9) “My nu metal band has a gig in Southeast Hidalgo this afternoon.”

10) “I need to make more time for the things that make me happy, and my roommate just bought a handle of McCormick’s Vanilla and a copy of Bumfights 4: Return of the Ruckus.”

11) “Why I gonna be crackulatin’ on y’all hood bitches when shawty’s milkshake right here in mah crib, son?”

12) “My head feels funny. And by my head, I mean my Johnson. And by my Johnson, I mean my abnormally small Johnson. Hey that reminds me, how small would you guess my Johnson is? No, come on, please guess? If you would just take a guess I’ll come in today! Please?!”

13) “Why are you calling me? Didn’t you see my Facebook status? I’m meditating!”

14) “Duh, I’ll be at my dad’s office. Is today not Take Your Child to Work Day, or what the fuck?”

15) “I know I said this last time too, but this time I really did only mean to send the sexts to the legal department, not the whole office.”

16) “I still don’t see why me cooking the fries from home today is going to pose such a big ‘problem’ for you.”

17) “Don’t you ever have those nights when you can’t fall asleep and you just lie there staring at the clock, so you help yourself to just a little too much cocaine and Percocet, and suddenly you become convinced that you’re the small, venom-spewing dinosaur from Jurassic Park, so you wander out into the park looking for small animals to eat and/or mate with, but in the process of chasing a squirrel up a large oak tree, you fall off the branch, land on your head and slip into unconsciousness, only to wake up the next morning in a strange church with your eyebrows shaved off and your hands smelling of lighter fluid? Anyway, I’ll try to make it in after lunch.”

-Hey, are we executing anyone today?

-Yeah, that guy who killed those children is getting the electric chair.

-When is it happening?

-It was supposed to happen tonight at 7.

-What do you mean?

-You know how every inmate on death row gets a last meal of their choosing?

-Yeah.

-Well, this guy requested the one thing we don’t want them to ask for.

-No… you’re not saying—

-I’m afraid so. He asked for a never ending pasta bowl.

-Dear God. He beat the system. No one’s ever done that before.

-It’s almost as if he committed the crime solely to expose this loophole.

-What are we going to do?

-We’ve tried everything but he won’t budge. Unless we can convince him to change his order he’ll spend the rest of his life eating pasta.

-Remember a few years back when that guy chose Old Country Buffet? I thought that was impressive and it only bought him a few extra hours. But this… this is genius.

-Have you seen the latest Olive Garden commercial?

-Those people have the worst sense of humor. I’d rather kill myself than eat with them.

-No, the one about how they now offer seven pastas and six sauces. That means he has 42 combinations to choose from.

-You could eat that for years without ever getting sick of it. And doesn’t it come with unlimited salad and breadsticks?

-I think you’re right. Damn, he’s good.

-It says it all in the name, too. ”Never ending.” We really dropped the ball on this one.

-Hold on. I think I have an idea.

Thirty minutes later.

-What’d you do to make him ask for a burger and fries?

-I had one of the families from the Olive Garden commercials show up and sit at his table.

DENVER—Barista Andrew Fulton was reportedly underwhelmed Friday by the customer response to his final day at St. Mark’s Coffeehouse, saying that after his four years of service, he had thought patrons would be more emotionally invested in his departure.

“I didn’t expect gifts or anything,” said the 32-year-old Fulton, who described himself as the unofficial head barista of the coffee shop. “But I didn’t think I’d have to remind people it was my last day, either. I’ve built up a great relationship with these customers, and I’ve been talking to them about the big move to San Diego for a couple of weeks now.”

“I even had a countdown to my last day on the chalkboard under the Sesame Street quote-of-the-day thing I do,” Fulton added.

Though a number of customers wished him luck and asked what he intended to do in Southern California, the longtime employee said it seemed as if they were just being polite as opposed to being genuinely interested in his future plans.

In addition, Fulton, who told reporters he would often get into long, in-depth discussions with patrons about movies and the current state of hardcore music, said that while he didn’t expect anything too emotional, he was hoping there would be an acknowledgment of the fact that over the past four years something deeper than a typical customer-employee relationship had been established.

Fulton later confirmed he made the same amount in tips Friday as he always makes.

“Dave and Beth [Premus] come in here every morning, sit, and drink their coffee, and before they left today I had to tell them that I’d probably see them in February or March when I come back for a visit,” said Fulton, adding that he starts making the married couple’s regular order before they even get to the counter. “That’s when Dave was like, ‘Oh, yeah! Last day, right? Where are you going again?’ I knew we weren’t best friends, but I thought I was a little more than just the guy who gave him his croissant and his coffee, which I always put in a mug because I know he likes that better.”

“Believe me, I know they don’t see me as just another St. Mark’s employee who is quitting his job,” Fulton continued. “But it would have been nice to get a feeling from him that he’d miss me. I mean, I always ask about how their kid’s doing in school when they come in here.”

According to Fulton, who noted that during his time at the coffee shop he added more prominent recycling bins and was instrumental in creating its Internet-usage policy, there has always been a silent understanding amongst customers that he “makes the place go”—a fact he would like to have had recognized at some point, perhaps with one of the customers taking him aside privately to say how the establishment would probably fall apart without him there.

He also said that at various times throughout his employ, he had confided his concerns about the coffee shop’s ownership to a small handful of patrons he “really trusted,” some of whom didn’t even stop by St. Mark’s on Friday despite his direct invitation for them to drop in and say goodbye.

“One of the customers I was always sort of on the same page with, Mark [Porter], knew this move was really important to me because I told him I felt like I was ready to start a new chapter in my life,” said Fulton, referring to a regular who had to hurry out of the café Friday because he was late for work. “We also used to talk about cycling a lot because he just got a bike, and I used to ride my bike everywhere.”

“I think he also appreciated my sense of humor,” the barista added, referring to how Porter snickered when Fulton replaced the whole milk and skim milk signs with clip-art pictures of fat and skinny cows. “It’s a little on the weirder side.”

Patrons confirmed that when Fulton finally left for the day, he loudly said, “Goodbye, everybody,” before exiting, a statement that some understood and that others found mostly confusing.

“Oh, it was his last day?” said St. Mark’s customer Jeanine Keller, whom Fulton has served nearly every day for the past four years. “So that’s why he said, ‘This is it!’ when he rang up my cappuccino. Man, that guy’s been here for a while. I always said I would go to one of his shows, but never made it out.”

DENVER—Barista Andrew Fulton was reportedly underwhelmed Friday by the customer response to his final day at St. Mark’s Coffeehouse, saying that after his four years of service, he had thought patrons would be more emotionally invested in his departure.

“I didn’t expect gifts or anything,” said the 32-year-old Fulton, who described himself as the unofficial head barista of the coffee shop. “But I didn’t think I’d have to remind people it was my last day, either. I’ve built up a great relationship with these customers, and I’ve been talking to them about the big move to San Diego for a couple of weeks now.”

“I even had a countdown to my last day on the chalkboard under the Sesame Street quote-of-the-day thing I do,” Fulton added.

Though a number of customers wished him luck and asked what he intended to do in Southern California, the longtime employee said it seemed as if they were just being polite as opposed to being genuinely interested in his future plans.

In addition, Fulton, who told reporters he would often get into long, in-depth discussions with patrons about movies and the current state of hardcore music, said that while he didn’t expect anything too emotional, he was hoping there would be an acknowledgment of the fact that over the past four years something deeper than a typical customer-employee relationship had been established.

Fulton later confirmed he made the same amount in tips Friday as he always makes.

“Dave and Beth [Premus] come in here every morning, sit, and drink their coffee, and before they left today I had to tell them that I’d probably see them in February or March when I come back for a visit,” said Fulton, adding that he starts making the married couple’s regular order before they even get to the counter. “That’s when Dave was like, ‘Oh, yeah! Last day, right? Where are you going again?’ I knew we weren’t best friends, but I thought I was a little more than just the guy who gave him his croissant and his coffee, which I always put in a mug because I know he likes that better.”

“Believe me, I know they don’t see me as just another St. Mark’s employee who is quitting his job,” Fulton continued. “But it would have been nice to get a feeling from him that he’d miss me. I mean, I always ask about how their kid’s doing in school when they come in here.”

According to Fulton, who noted that during his time at the coffee shop he added more prominent recycling bins and was instrumental in creating its Internet-usage policy, there has always been a silent understanding amongst customers that he “makes the place go”—a fact he would like to have had recognized at some point, perhaps with one of the customers taking him aside privately to say how the establishment would probably fall apart without him there.

He also said that at various times throughout his employ, he had confided his concerns about the coffee shop’s ownership to a small handful of patrons he “really trusted,” some of whom didn’t even stop by St. Mark’s on Friday despite his direct invitation for them to drop in and say goodbye.

“One of the customers I was always sort of on the same page with, Mark [Porter], knew this move was really important to me because I told him I felt like I was ready to start a new chapter in my life,” said Fulton, referring to a regular who had to hurry out of the café Friday because he was late for work. “We also used to talk about cycling a lot because he just got a bike, and I used to ride my bike everywhere.”

“I think he also appreciated my sense of humor,” the barista added, referring to how Porter snickered when Fulton replaced the whole milk and skim milk signs with clip-art pictures of fat and skinny cows. “It’s a little on the weirder side.”

Patrons confirmed that when Fulton finally left for the day, he loudly said, “Goodbye, everybody,” before exiting, a statement that some understood and that others found mostly confusing.

“Oh, it was his last day?” said St. Mark’s customer Jeanine Keller, whom Fulton has served nearly every day for the past four years. “So that’s why he said, ‘This is it!’ when he rang up my cappuccino. Man, that guy’s been here for a while. I always said I would go to one of his shows, but never made it out.”

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

My first job was at a pet store. A woman came in telling me that her dog was having stomach issues, and that her vet told her to feed it chicken and rice.

She then explained to me that she just couldn’t afford to buy him Chinese food every night. I laughed until I realized she was serious.
Crypt Rat

I work in a hole-in-the-wall bar. One day, a guy walks in and orders a beer. As I hand him the beer, he gets an indescribable look on his face, and walks to the back room to play pool. I didn’t think anything of it, really, but a few minutes later I began to notice a horrible smell in the bar. Evidently the guy had shit his pants when he’d walked up to the bar and, rather than clean himself up or leave immediately, he got the beer and played an entire game of pool, leaving streaks of shit in front of the bar and around the entire pool table.
Jess H

I had just begun college, and my first job out of High school. I swore I would never take a mac job, so I was working at a funeral home. I know most people think it’s gross, but it was pretty clean. The schedule was a plus with my full college load, working on call, mostly at 2 in the morning, along with 8 hours Friday, and Saturday. On one of these Saturdays, during the summertime, I was in my transport van with someone on the back stretcher, the A.C. was not working, and I was wearing a black suit, then I got caught in traffic. So I was sitting in traffic beginning to cook, and moving at a slow 20 mphs. Then when I was wiping the sweat from my brow, I looked in the review mirror, and I saw the body, begin to sit up strait, and begin to make a gurgling sound. With that I was insanely freaked out, pulling off to the side of the road, getting out, taking my suit jacket off quickly, then saying shit and fuck about as many times as I could. I went to the rear doors of the van, seeing one body sitting up at a 90 degree angle, at that point being very creepy, I asked a simple “Hello” just thinking there’s a chance it might still be alive. No answer, after calming down a bit, and realizing it was just the heat that can cause muscle contractions, I began to tighten the straps on the stretcher, it was like bending a led pipe, but after a few minutes of tightening the straps on the stretcher, I was finally able to make it secure again, and the traffic was lightening up again. I was able to quickly drive back to the funeral home, and from that everything was fine. But for a second it could have been the zombie Apocalypse.
Josh Hill

I work in management at a well-known retail store. I’m not going to lie, my new boss has got to be the dumbest person I’ve met in my life. Today she was making a poster for a coworker who won a contest, and wrote on it “Congradulations!” Afterward, she asked me to show her how to use a box cutter.
Kayti Flynn

I am a receptionist for a law firm. Because we aren’t the only office on this floor, I often have to deal with a lot of crazy people with strange questions law related and not. Once I noticed an older man, probably early 60’s, staring at another suite’s door for a long period of time. Finally, he came into our office and said, “That door over there doesn’t have handles. Is there another way to get in?” I thought he was messing with me and told him you just have to push. He responded with, “Oh ok. Thank you.” Straight face and all.
Brittney O

When I was 15 I worked at Old Navy as a summer job, and I was mostly found manning the dressing rooms in the back. One day I had a 20-something couple come in. The girl went to try on a huge array of clothes and the guy sat on a bench waiting for her to model. She looked normal enough but he looked like a hipster, emo, death metal tree hugger. I cannot describe him in any other way. He started asking me why I worked at a store that exploited children in 3rd world countries, was making our country broke, and was stealing money from teenagers, and then proceeded to was ask me how I could stand to live with myself. He also told me one day Karma would get me back and that I should reconsider my life. Yet, his Girlfriend was buying clothes from the store that did all these heinous things.
Kerstin Glaess

I got a new job in a Pizzeria in the city. All of the customers are generally nice but one day i get a complaint about the bathroom being held up for an hour. I knocked and called and finally figured that no one was in there so i used the employee keys to open the door. There was a knocked out 10 year old that slipped on his own pee and smashed his head against the toilet.
Mosiur Rahman

Submit yours here!

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 6 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

My roommates got mad at me for having a dog, so I scheduled to take her home to my parents on winter break which was about a week away. That wasn’t good enough for them. Even though the dog had been there for months, they wanted her out then and there, requiring me to drive nine hours home. The house we lived in was a filthy cigarette filled dump that you couldn’t walk around in without shoes. I couldn’t even stand to eat in the place, but my roommates could, and they always left dirty dishes around. Before I left for the long drive, my dog did a really nice job getting all of the dishes clean, and I neatly stacked them in the cabinet. Dogs mouths are supposed to be clean right?
Fara F.

Last year, I was in a dorm with my 3 best bros, but back then, we were all new to each other. 3 of us got along really well, but the fourth guy, Bentz, was always working on school stuff and spazzing out. So anyway, one day, Bentz was at his English Lit class, and me and the other dudes were just kinda hanging around. Now, Bentz was a band geek back then, so he’d always take up a bunch of space in our common room with his trombone on this fancy stand so it “wouldn’t warp from the case,” and so my buddy Matt comes up, grabs the trombone, and walks out. He’s a shop boy, so he always has tools lying around, and so he comes back 15 minutes later, wearing the sawed off end of the trombone like a hat, and he’s just like “hey guys, look, I’m Bentz.” So we’re rolling on the floor laughing our asses off for 15 minutes, and then finally Bentz shows up, sees Matt with the funnel thing on his head, and just drops his textbook. We all think he’s gonna throw a kanipshin, but he starts laughing. Turns out he hated band, and now he had a reason to drop it. It was kinda a let down cause we thought he’d blow a fuse, but his parents came to visit that week and got to have a little talk with the guy who hack-sawed their son’s trombone. Good times.
Joel W.

I live in a cabin with 5 other guys and two showers that are right next to one another. Two roomates decide to dump ice cold river water from a huge bucket onto two guys taking showers. Payback was putting beef paste in the shower head so the one guy who showers about half and hour before anyone else got a beef soup shower. Never have I woke up to a more irate person, and despite finding the wrench in our room right away he still has no idea who beefed him.
Mike S.

My roommate was trying to rush a Fraternity. I knew a lot about the guys that lived there, so of course i decided to fuck with him when they invited him to dinner at the house. The house he was going to is a complete dump, he had no idea what he was stepping into. So he asked me what he should wear, so of course I told him “shirt tie, time to impress.” After he was dressed I drove him over to the house. The moment was priceless, as everyone was walking in with basketball shorts and lax pennys, I was able to watch my horrified roommate shyly walk into the house looking like a complete tool. He preceded not to talk to me for 3 days, so far my best 3 days here yet.
Andrew S. from Indiana University

My roommate freshman year was weird to say the least. She would take a bite of food and put it back on the serving tray, watch necrophiliac movies, and blow dry her hair at 2am in our room when I had 8am classes the next day. She also informed my friends that the way they ate was gross, that they would never be accepted to med school, and that they were gaining weight even though they weren’t. Needless to say, we were all getting pretty sick of her shit. So then she tells me that she ordered something online under my name, and that if I receive the package I should give it to her. Pissed off that she used my name to order who knows what, I decided I wasn’t giving it to her. A few days later I received the package while she was in class and opened it to find a new pair of jeans. I tried them on and they fit perfectly. I hid them in my dresser and threw away the box they came in, telling her that I didn’t get it whenever she asked. I still have her jeans to this day.
Jenn A

A guy in my hall smuggled a microwave into his room, (Microwaves aren’t allowed in our dorm) and everybody knows about it but he won’t let anybody use it. So one day me and my buddy filled a bag with dog shit from outside and snuck in while he was showering and put it in the microwave for about five minutes. This was almost three weeks ago and his whole room still smells like shit. Take that asshole.
Eric S.

Submit yours here!

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

I work as a reporter for a small newspaper, which is actually a pretty cool job. But, because we are small, I sometimes field customer calls. One time a lady called with two complaints. She wanted to cancel her newspaper because there wasn’t enough news in the paper, which was, of course, a legitimate complaint. Her other beef? Not enough obituaries.
Ben Montgomery

So, I work at an ice cream shop. I was working the drive-thru intercom, and I had to pee REALLY bad. Pretty much to the point that it was all I could think about. The next car rolled up, and instead of saying the usual “Hi, can I help you?” I accidentally said “Hi, can I go to the bathroom?” The guy in the car said “I don’t know, can you?” I ran straight to the bathroom, and didn’t tell anyone until a while later. The girl who helped him was a confused why one guy kept making bathroom references at her.
ice cream girl :)

I work at a chain subshop and I am running the store by myself. We have a bell on the counter for people to ring if somebody isn’t up front. Usually people ring it once but while I was in the back doing dishes a man decided to ring it over and over again until I appear. He then procedes to tell me “About time you made it up here.” With this comment I assume he’s in a hurry but turns out he has no idea what he wants. So after staring at the menu board for what felt like forever he starts to ask me how much everything costs. He is staring at the board, at the prices and was still asking me. So I’m annoyed at his stupid question but then he drops a real gem of a question. “Is the $5 footlong and 12 inch or a 6 inch?”
Meg Kirsch

I work in a health food store and I always try to be extra considerate when i see old men in the men’s “performance” sextion. While helping one very open customer, he started going into descriptive and highly graphic detail about his troubles with his unit. I sent him on his way with a product to help, and I was left with an overmhelming need to shower. About a month later he comes back with rave reviews about the product, again with great detail about how long he lasted, what it felt like, the quality of his orgasm (ick) and he topped it all by letting me know “I thought of you when I finished”.
M Sharp

When I was working at one of the first jobs I had, McDonalds, I received a “fun” chore. My boss comes to me and asks that I throw the rest of the garbage bags that are on the compactor room floor into the compactor.

Doesn’t sound so bad, but it was the middle of winter and the compactor had shut down from the cold. So everyone was simply dropping the full bags of garbage on the cold concrete floor (eventualy resorting to throwing them into the room from the doorway) and it had been pilling up for the last week or so. There was so many bags that the floor was not visible and to get to the compactor I had to do the deep-snowbank-step overtop. Garbage hills were raised up on the sides of the walls. Since it was winter and the bags used thin plastic, the McD’s excrement that had seeped out of the bags had frozen to the floor and each other. This made it impossible to pick up a bag without a high chance of the bag ripping and its contents spilling out. I managed to get the compactor working again and crushed loads of garbage at intervals, but it kept shutting down from the cold, requiring me to stand there manning the on and activate buttons. My supervisor made regular visits to ask me to hurry up.

I managed to clean the entire rotten, frozen amount of garbage into the compactor in two hours in below freezing temperatures. God I stank after that. Cleaned myself up in the bathroom and went back to work.
Brad E

I worked at a summer camp over the past three summers and I taught a class to help boys earn a badge of merit focusing on patriotism. A requirement is that you keep up with national news for five days, so we read articles each day of class. One kid wanted to read, so I let him. He used his “black lady voice.” This class was all white boys, ages 11-14, so I say “Tell me to stop eating all the chicken in that accent.” He looks at me, in front of everybody, and says, “The way we spell chicken is F – R – I – E – D, motha fucka!”
He was 12 years old…
Paul S

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