NiniaPimp Magazine

Tacos are a classic masterpiece of compact unhealthiness. It’s essentially a wallet of meat and cheese that we shove in our mouths as fast as we can. So why are we wasting our precious gorging time on all those stupid tortillas when we could be scooping our portable feasts with fluffy, golden waffles? That’s right: there’s no reason. Let’s get it together, America.

Any indulgent chump can make a chocolate chip pancake, but it takes a really bored and hungry chump to put in the time and effort to make this vision of caloric genius. To avoid accidentally cooking the cookie, one must pre-freeze little balls of dough and then mix those into the pancake batter before putting them on the griddle. The really tricky part is not just eating all of the dough instantly, but it seems like a risk worth taking.

What’s the biggest problem with burritos? The soggy tortilla mess. What’s the biggest problem with sushi? The lack of cheese. Enter the Sushi Burrito. It has all the tidy, moisture resistant properties of a sushi roll, AND the gut-enhancing bean/cheese/meat trifecta of a burrito. Plus, it has seaweed, so it’s healthier. Definitely like half the calories of a regular burrito. Definitely.

We’re legally not allowed to refer to this concoction as a “beverage” because of the fact that it will instantly drain all of the moisture from your mouth, throat, and surrounding bodies of water, but, hey, if Jamba Juice can get away with selling a “Peanut Butter Moo’d” shake, then we should be allowed to drink liquified peanut butter without having to go to a Jamba Juice and be the fat slobs who order peanut butter when everyone else is getting acai berry and a shot of something that isn’t pure lard-salt.

Marshmallow is a woefully underrepresented ingredient in the field of candy bars. This is an outright travesty. The Mallomar is proof that marshmallow and cookie and chocolate is a terrific combination. But Mallomars are a seasonal treat, and, if we’re being entirely honest, the cookie part of the Mallomar is overpoweringly dry and perma-stale. This is where the gentle wafer of the Kit-Kat comes in. It’s the perfect, year-round cocoon for delicious clouds of synthetic sugar. Your move, Hershey.

Get a pack of Big League Chew and share it with everyone. They will say “Ann is so nice” plus they will owe you big time.

Memorize the words to the rap “Parents Just Don’t Understand” without looking at the album cover. You must also know some Steve Miller songs. That way you won’t shout “CHUG-A-LUG!” when everyone else shouts “JUNGLE LOVE! It’s driving me mad, it’s making me crazy crazy”

Go with your best friend. If you don’t have a best friend pick someone to be your best friend immediately so you can create your private jokes.

Private jokes prove you’re better friends than everyone else. Meg and I went swimming with my Stepmom off the pier. There was an incredibly hot and gorgeous sixth grader there named Ted. I can’t even remember what he said. We ate cheese and crackers that day and now when we say “cheese and crackers” it is like saying “remember Ted and how we ate cheese and crackers” but cooler because no one else knows what it means and everyone wants to know what it means.

Laugh really loud and for a long time every time you say your private jokes. When people beg you to know what is always so hilarious, you try to catch your breath and say “Nothing, nothing. Just a private joke.” Then start laughing again.

Make your bangs into a beautiful blossom. You will need Finesse and a butane curling iron in your locker.

Open your eyes extra wide and blink less. If your best friend asks “Why do you look all jacked up?” ask what she is even talking about. Next say “Whatever.” This is how to look beautiful.

After you are done inventing private jokes, you need to invent a secret signal. Meg and I use a loud whooping bird noise. You will be surprised how much easier it is to hear a whooping bird instead of just the name “Ann.” And that way you know it is your best friend searching for you and not just some random fool.

Now I am going to talk about penny loafers. Only put pennies in your penny loafers. They are not called nickel loafers. No doy.

You are going to have to be nice to every single person for a long time. Now that we are older the ugly girls can be popular too. You want everyone to say “Ann is the nicest girl I have ever met” about you. If you are so nice and as pretty as Kim the whole entire bus will scream “BYE KIM BYE KIM” when you get off, and you can do that thing where you turn around and smile and wave like a baby.

Good luck and p.s. when you make friends don’t do a French braid or you will look abnormal. If your bangs are perfectly blossomed your head might not look like an egg, but only if you are a magnificent braider.

Most Memorable Hall Of Fame Speeches

Last weekend, Shannon Sharpe’s tribute to his brother and Deion Sanders’ strange humility were two reminders of the heights that sports hall of fame speeches can reach. Some great quotes from others:

• Barry Sanders: “I’m surprised I showed up to this too.”
• James Naismith: “Oh, wow, I’m in the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame? No fucking shit.”
• Floyd Little: “I know you all just want to hear Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith talk, so I’m going to leave right now and cry in the parking lot.”
• Mickey Mantle: “I practiced drunk. I played drunk. You’re damn right I’ll give this speech drunk!”
• O.J. Simpson: “It’s an honor knowing this is how people will remember me forever: O.J. Simpson, Hall of Fame running back.”
• John Madden: “…So then comes the cheese, and it’s gotta be pepper jack, you just pile that on there then bake it in the oven for maybe five minutes, just long enough for the cheese to melt, and then comes the mayo…”
• Jerry Rice: “…98…99…100. See, 100 push-ups, no problem. And I’ll do 100 more—watch me! One! Two!”