by admin ·
Get a pack of Big League Chew and share it with everyone. They will say “Ann is so nice” plus they will owe you big time.
Memorize the words to the rap “Parents Just Don’t Understand” without looking at the album cover. You must also know some Steve Miller songs. That way you won’t shout “CHUG-A-LUG!” when everyone else shouts “JUNGLE LOVE! It’s driving me mad, it’s making me crazy crazy”
Go with your best friend. If you don’t have a best friend pick someone to be your best friend immediately so you can create your private jokes.
Private jokes prove you’re better friends than everyone else. Meg and I went swimming with my Stepmom off the pier. There was an incredibly hot and gorgeous sixth grader there named Ted. I can’t even remember what he said. We ate cheese and crackers that day and now when we say “cheese and crackers” it is like saying “remember Ted and how we ate cheese and crackers” but cooler because no one else knows what it means and everyone wants to know what it means.
Laugh really loud and for a long time every time you say your private jokes. When people beg you to know what is always so hilarious, you try to catch your breath and say “Nothing, nothing. Just a private joke.” Then start laughing again.
Make your bangs into a beautiful blossom. You will need Finesse and a butane curling iron in your locker.
Open your eyes extra wide and blink less. If your best friend asks “Why do you look all jacked up?” ask what she is even talking about. Next say “Whatever.” This is how to look beautiful.
After you are done inventing private jokes, you need to invent a secret signal. Meg and I use a loud whooping bird noise. You will be surprised how much easier it is to hear a whooping bird instead of just the name “Ann.” And that way you know it is your best friend searching for you and not just some random fool.
Now I am going to talk about penny loafers. Only put pennies in your penny loafers. They are not called nickel loafers. No doy.
You are going to have to be nice to every single person for a long time. Now that we are older the ugly girls can be popular too. You want everyone to say “Ann is the nicest girl I have ever met” about you. If you are so nice and as pretty as Kim the whole entire bus will scream “BYE KIM BYE KIM” when you get off, and you can do that thing where you turn around and smile and wave like a baby.
Good luck and p.s. when you make friends don’t do a French braid or you will look abnormal. If your bangs are perfectly blossomed your head might not look like an egg, but only if you are a magnificent braider.