<!– GA_googleFillSlot(“1x1_specialreportlogo”); –> April 17 April 12, 2012 | ISSUE 48•15 Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m. Recent News » Man With Nice Eyes Blown 03.30.12 Scalia Unable To Name All 9 Supreme Court Justices 03.29.12 Nation’s Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington […]
Groucho Marx Disguises (GMD) $47.05 (-.61) (-1.3%) The company’s value plummeted after the unveiling of a newly retooled disguise featuring no mustache, an average-sized nose, and, in the place of this black glasses, stylish wire frames.
Esther Hatcher Esther Hatcher ate an entire box of her roommate’s cookies and replaced them after her roommate noticed and got mad.
FOOD 11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT Recognizing that no one else is going to do it, an exasperated yet resigned Ina Garten once again does the entire network’s dirty dishes, alternately sighing and muttering to herself about how nobody will even notice—let alone thank her for—all her hard work.
FOX 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT A man overcooks his chicken, a woman can’t get her car to start, and a married couple argues about money.
CBS 11:35 p.m. EDT/10:35 CDT p.m. Capitalizing on recent ratings success, Dave disarmingly discloses that he has been trafficking heroin through the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Brainteaser Mistake The solution to last week’s brainteaser contained a mistake. The correct answer is five swastikas. The Onion regrets the error.
TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old son, Karter, Major League Baseball announced Thursday it had launched an investigation into the oversight that allowed the 6-foot-2 right-hander to have a child. “Unfortunately, we can find no language in […]
Church Dwight (CHD) $47.05 (+$0.61) (+1.3%) If this is the kind of thing that gets your juices flowing, hey, who is Stockwatch to judge?
Study: 80 Percent Of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts ISSUE 41•16 | 04.20.05 | News in Brief AMHERST, MA—According to conclusions reached by researchers at the University of Massachusetts, four-fifths of the world’s dedicated recluse population were once luckless in love. “We have conclusively linked heartsickness to the behavior of dwelling in remote mountaintop […]