NiniaPimp Magazine

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April 17

April 12, 2012 |

ISSUE 48•15

Sandalwood Circle residents are advised that the Baumgartners will be having pretty loud sex this Tuesday shortly after 9 p.m.

Recent News »

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  Man With Nice Eyes Blown
  03.30.12
  

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  Scalia Unable To Name All 9 Supreme Court Justices
  03.29.12
  

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  Nation’s Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington In Support Of Stem-Cell Research
  03.28.12
  

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  U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park
  03.28.12
  

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  Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out
  03.27.12
  

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  Women Voters Can’t Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP
  03.26.12
  

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  Greeting Each Other Like Normal Human Beings Impossible For Local Friends
  03.24.12
  

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  Jeff Beck Lured Into Dark Alley With Old Guitar-Pick-On-A-String Trick
  03.23.12
  

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Video

Reporter Helps Starving Dogs By Personally Shooting Them

Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now It’s Our Turn

Planning A Spouse’s Funeral Even Though They’ll Probably Never Ever Die

Groucho Marx Disguises (GMD)

$47.05 (-.61) (-1.3%) The company’s value plummeted after the unveiling of a newly retooled disguise featuring no mustache, an average-sized nose, and, in the place of this black glasses, stylish wire frames.

Esther Hatcher

Esther Hatcher ate an entire box of her roommate’s cookies and replaced them after her roommate noticed and got mad.

FOOD

11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT

Recognizing that no one else is going to do it, an exasperated yet resigned Ina Garten once again does the entire network’s dirty dishes, alternately sighing and muttering to herself about how nobody will even notice—let alone thank her for—all her hard work.

FOX

9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

A man overcooks his chicken, a woman can’t get her car to start, and a married couple argues about money.

CBS

11:35 p.m. EDT/10:35 CDT p.m.

Capitalizing on recent ratings success, Dave disarmingly discloses that he has been trafficking heroin through the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Brainteaser Mistake

The solution to last week’s brainteaser contained a mistake. The correct answer is five swastikas. The Onion regrets the error.

TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old son, Karter, Major League Baseball announced Thursday it had launched an investigation into the oversight that allowed the 6-foot-2 right-hander to have a child. “Unfortunately, we can find no language in any contract between Mr. Chamberlain and the Yankees or the MLB that restricts, discourages, or otherwise bars him from having a son,” a statement from the league read in part. “Clearly this is an almost criminal oversight… While this does not relieve Chamberlain of his own responsibility in this matter, Major League Baseball deeply regrets its part in the incident and wishes to assure fans that steps are being taken to prevent this situation from ever arising again.” There is currently no timetable for Chamberlain to resume pitching or parenting.

Church Dwight (CHD)

$47.05 (+$0.61) (+1.3%) If this is the kind of thing that gets your juices flowing, hey, who is Stockwatch to judge?

Study: 80 Percent Of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts

ISSUE 41•16 |
04.20.05 | News in Brief

AMHERST, MA—According to conclusions reached by researchers at the University of Massachusetts, four-fifths of the world’s dedicated recluse population were once luckless in love. “We have conclusively linked heartsickness to the behavior of dwelling in remote mountaintop caves, in bramble-covered forest huts, and on nameless unmapped islands,” professor of solitary psychology Ludwig Meyer said Monday. “The loss of a lifetime’s one true love seems to be enough to drive some people into splendid isolation in arctic regions and trackless jungle wilds.” The study noted that the remaining 20 percent of hermits were driven from human contact by the desire to run naked around the woods, urinating though their knee-length beards.
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