Category Archives: Humor

TV Listings: The Dishes

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FOOD

11:30 p.m. EDT/10:30 p.m. CDT

Recognizing that no one else is going to do it, an exasperated yet resigned Ina Garten once again does the entire network’s dirty dishes, alternately sighing and muttering to herself about how nobody will even notice—let alone thank her for—all her hard work.

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MLB Investigates Why Joba Chamberlain Is Allowed To Have A Son

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TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old son, Karter, Major League Baseball announced Thursday it had launched an investigation into the oversight that allowed the 6-foot-2 right-hander to have a child. “Unfortunately, we can find no language in any contract between Mr. Chamberlain and the Yankees or the MLB that restricts, discourages, or otherwise bars him from having a son,” a statement from the league read in part. “Clearly this is an almost criminal oversight… While this does not relieve Chamberlain of his own responsibility in this matter, Major League Baseball deeply regrets its part in the incident and wishes to assure fans that steps are being taken to prevent this situation from ever arising again.” There is currently no timetable for Chamberlain to resume pitching or parenting.

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BOSTON, MA—The remains of a dead mouse were given a quick blast of Windex before being thrown out.

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Study: 80 Percent Of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts

ISSUE 41•16 |
04.20.05 | News in Brief

AMHERST, MA—According to conclusions reached by researchers at the University of Massachusetts, four-fifths of the world’s dedicated recluse population were once luckless in love. “We have conclusively linked heartsickness to the behavior of dwelling in remote mountaintop caves, in bramble-covered forest huts, and on nameless unmapped islands,” professor of solitary psychology Ludwig Meyer said Monday. “The loss of a lifetime’s one true love seems to be enough to drive some people into splendid isolation in arctic regions and trackless jungle wilds.” The study noted that the remaining 20 percent of hermits were driven from human contact by the desire to run naked around the woods, urinating though their knee-length beards.
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BAKERSFIELD, CA—Don and Nancy Gruber had a new dishwasher installed, and the guy who put it in stayed for lunch.

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Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

ISSUE 34•05 |
09.02.98 | News in Brief

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. “I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play,” Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. “Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this.” While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer’s use of the wheelbarrow in last week’s game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed “rightful dominion” over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer’s mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found.
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