WASHINGTON, DC—Unbeknownst to them, liberal couple Abel Russ and Jessica Scott, both 29, haven’t had nonethnic food in nearly two months.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/npjkrNe92HY/

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/a9O8hftuIeo/

Randy Moss Awkwardly Asks Brad Childress For Letter Of Recommendation

02.16.12

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/Cmr39OAK3v0/

Suns Ownership Continually Dropping Hints To Steve Nash That He Should Demand Trade

02.14.12

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/0tQXC8Jjq18/

MTV

10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

A bad case of the cramps threatens Gina’s perfect attendance record.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/n12OXMDLQqI/

February 10, 2012 | ISSUE 48•07

Recent Sunday Magazine

• 

  Tommy Lee Jones Tells Us Why He’s Kept A Little Boy’s Name For So Long

  02.03.12 | ISSUE 48•06

• 

  Are Bugs Mad At Us? 

  01.27.12 | ISSUE 48•04

• 

  101 Ways To Drive Your Best Friend Wild

  01.20.12 | ISSUE 48•03

More Sunday Magazine

• 

  Mars: Might It Be Haunted?

  07.20.07 | ISSUE 43•29

• 

  10 Parking Spots That Are Open Right Now If You Hurry

  02.11.11 | ISSUE 47•06

• 

  Our ‘NCIS’ Spec Script Issue

  03.12.10 | ISSUE 46•10

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Dear The Onion,
Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing.

— Paul Goethe, Rochester, NY

02.08.12

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/tWvCejKKT-4/

WASHINGTON—Department of Health and Human Services officials held a press conference Monday to announce that while no studies had been conducted to establish that the practice is unhealthy, people still should not eat candles. “While we doubt the ingestion of small amounts of candle wax is life-threatening, we nonetheless recommend that anyone thinking about eating candles refrain from doing so, and that anyone currently eating candles stop,” said HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who during a follow-up QA confirmed the guideline even applies to pumpkin-pie-scented candles and birthday candles with frosting and cake on the bottom half. “Instead of conducting clinical trials on the long-term effects of candle consumption, we’re just going to ask people to use their common sense on this one. Please don’t eat candles.” At the same press conference, HHS officials also suggested that people shouldn’t eat lip balm “because, come on, don’t be an idiot.”

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/Ara0Sww8uFI/

Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia’s Top Brand Of Luxury Goats

02.04.12

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/XoiYnaFsozY/

SEAL Team Six: Behind The Scenes

Last week, SEAL Team Six, the Navy strike force responsible for killing Osama bin Laden, rescued two humanitarian aid workers who’d been taken hostage by Somali pirates. With such a stressful line of work, the team needs a little down time now and then. Here’s how the elite military squad unwinds:

• Spending a nice relaxing day at the beach, completely undetected and unseen
• Hanging curtains and catching up on HGTV, solely to get their testosterone down to safe, medically acceptable levels
• Putting .50-caliber slugs in a tree inches above an unwitting neighbor’s head while he naps in his hammock
• Remembering how awesome it was to kick down that door and put a bullet through bin Laden’s head
• Getting their asses kicked by 12-year-olds while playing SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALs online
• A lot less swooping into places and more just strolling in and saying “hey”
• Busting each other’s chops, but in a way that doesn’t end in death or paralysis
• Staging Oscar Wilde comedies at the ultrasecret SEAL Repertory Theater
• Ordering things online, waiting motionless in the bushes for days until the UPS guy comes
• A little quality time with the family, playing some Russian roulette in the garage wearing nothing but underwear, thinking about all the horrible things they’ve seen and done.

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