Pull up to the drive-thru. When asked for your order, respond with incoherent mumbles and gibberish. You will be asked to repeat your order, at which point you should mumble again in a similar fashion. The prank is on! Now that you’ve had a chance to look at the menu, realize that you are hungry, and order a cheeseburger (coherently this time). As you eat your burger in the parking lot, notice yourself becoming overwhelmed by a feeling of crushing loneliness and isolation. Find yourself considering that you might as well just mumble all the time because, if you think about it, no one is really understanding you anyway—at least not the real you. Your drive-thru prank, you can now see, was an embodiment of man’s futile attempt to connect with his fellow man. Can anyone ever truly know another person? Decide that they cannot. Call your significant other and briskly end the relationship with no explanation. Have immediate regrets about this.
Arrive at the drive-thru with a small to medium-sized dog and place your order. At the first window, put the car into park and slide over to passenger seat, leaving the dog behind the wheel. Be sure to act as if nothing is unusual when the cashier looks into the car and sees the preposterous scene! After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, the cashier will become impatient and ask if you are going to pay for your food. Explain that your dog was the one who ordered, not you! When the manager appears and asks what the problem is, become hysterical. Launch into a belligerent anti-immigration diatribe, and threaten to have him and his entire family deported. He will be so surprised! Later that night, recall your father’s penchant for racist and homophobic jokes, and remember how this embarrassed you when you were growing up. Feel shame about the incident at the drive-thru earlier that day. Resent your father, and then feel sorry for him. Resolve to call your father and break the years of silence that has settled between the two of you. Get distracted by internet porn and fall asleep in front of the computer.
Furnish the interior of your car with a disco ball, black lights, and white fur on the dashboard. Dress in flashy clothes and wear dark sunglasses. When you pull up at the cashier’s window, crank the tunes and ask the cashier, who you can now see is a teenage girl, if she wants to party in your car. She will have no idea how to respond! But then she does respond, saying that she gets off at 9 o’clock and could you pick her up then? Consider saying yes to this; she is clearly too young for you, but it has been a pretty serious drought since you broke up things off with your fiancée during The Mumbler prank. Suddenly imagine Chris Hansen from “To Catch a Predator” waiting for you when you show up at 9. Quickly drive away.
Follow the initial steps of The Party Car (Version 1), but be Chris Hansen from “To Catch a Predator.” Pick up the teenage cashier at 9.
Grab an acoustic guitar, and turn your fast food order into a hilarious folk song! When you sing your order song at the drive-thru, you can add a rap section with funny special requests (“Hold the mayo!”) for extra effect. Take the cashier’s tepid amusement as the sign you’ve been waiting for: YES, you should definitely start a folk band that sings humorous songs about everyday things like ordering fast food. True, you only know a few chords, you have a weak singing voice, you are prematurely balding and you have a comically short torso, but these things will only work to your advantage because it will be one of those funny bands that everybody probably loves! Picture yourself playing at the Grammy’s, and know in your heart that your success is inevitable. Quit your job. Call your friends and family to tell them about your new band and career path, and search the internet to find the rest of your band members. After several awkward auditions, decide that you don’t need any other members. Start playing coffee shops and putting on unannounced shows at friends’ parties, work functions and weddings. Get invited to a party, but learn upon arriving that this party is in fact at an intervention that was arranged to get you to abandon your dream of becoming a folk singer-humorist. Assume that everyone is joking, but slowly realize that they are not as you listen to them call your songs “annoying”, “juvenile” and “really, seriously pathetic”. Notice the beginnings of a panic attack coming on. Begin laughing and explain that actually the joke is on all of them, because this whole music thing has been one long, elaborate prank on everyone you know! Locate the nearest exit and leave.