Waldo’s Travel Tips
by admin ·
For me, travel is about more than just taking a vacation. It’s about seeing new places, new faces, and of course, getting some exercise! And since the best trip is a safe trip, I always make sure to follow my “Four Essentials” checklist.
· Wool hat – did you know that 50% of body heat is lost through the head? Well, maybe not that much, but I’m pretty sure it’s a lot! Crazy, right? Fortunately, winter hats are never out of style!
· Sweater – layering is important; try to use an outer wrap with bright colors or patterns, something eye catching! And it never hurts if it’s* a little bit festive!*
· Glasses – What good is all the beauty of nature if you can’t see it? Not much, I’d say. And since I’m legally blind, I guess I’ll be taking my trusty specs along with me!
· Cane – You might not know this about ol’ Waldo, but I’ve walked with a limp ever since I was pulled under a thresher on Pa’s farm. Fortunately my cane is sturdy, reliable, and fashionable too!
Well, I’m off! Be sure to check back for updates from my trip!
I swear, one of the real joys of travel is the people watching! Today I strolled through rich countryside filled with farmers, peasants and other simple folk. It seemed like there was something going on everywhere, and something to look at every few feet. Some places had so many people they were practically right on top of each other! So great to see so many friendly faces. I had been a bit worried, since I forgot my Fifth Essential: tell someone where I’m going. But seeing how populated this area is, it’s not like anyone would have any trouble finding me if I got into trouble!
I’m in trouble: while strolling along this morning, my stupid cane slipped on a rock and I went skidding down the side of a hill. As I did, my freaking sweater became caught, dislodging a large rock, which rolled onto my arm, pinning me to the spot. Lacking any food or water, I’m in a bit of a tough situation, and in desperate need of rescue. Fortunately, I’ve spotted a large group of brightly-dressed travelers approaching, and I feel that salvation is imminent. Whew! Better lucky than smart, I reckon!
I don’t understand what’s happening here. Yesterday I was passed by a group of what seemed to be close to a hundred people. Strangely, they all appeared to be pirates, most dressed in red and white patterns similar to my own. But even more strangely, they passed by me as if I was invisible! *Some looked directly at me, with *no recognition. I screamed at them, inches away: nothing. One even ran his finger right over my face without seeming to notice me. How can this be? Can heat, dehydration, and hunger have driven me mad? I’ve already eaten my hat, which did very little to help my thirst. The sweater may be the next to go, forcing me to expose my surprising surplus of body hair and thresher scars to the world. Though I hardly need to be embarrassed; if this trend continues, no one will even be able to see my shame!
Thank heaven for the four essentials! By snapping my glasses in half, I have fashioned a crude blade out of the lenses, which I am now using to saw off my arm at the elbow. It’s a chancy proposition, but something that has to be done, as the situation is deteriorating rapidly. Last night, a helicopter flew directly overhead and shone a searchlight right on me for almost a minute before moving on as if I wasn’t there! Has the whole world gone blind? Lord knows I have, at least without my glasses. I am also hallucinating from lack of sleep, and sporadically vomiting red and white chunks of sweater mixed with blood and bile…*Father?* Father no…I don’t understand…*why does Mr. Piggles have to die?* But…NO! DON’T TAKE ME BEHIND THE BARN AGAIN!!!
I can feel it happening. I am slowly losing my grip on reality. God willing I’ll make it out of here, and find someone who can freaking see me before the blood-loss causes me to lose consciousness. I’ll live an amputee, unable to clap, or play Red Rover, but at least I’ll live…
NOTE: The manuscript for Waldo’s Travel Tips was discovered in the middle of a massive pirate camp, covered in blood and small pieces of sweater. No body was ever found.