Gentlemen, put your hands together and welcome the lovely Jasmine to the main stage! I just know that you can all agree with me when I say that she is smokin’ hot. What a woman!
If I have one criticism, I guess it would have to be Jasmine’s song selection. I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I hear “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” I’m reminded of my Uncle Neil biiiig time. I’m not sure what it is about this song, but it always makes me think of old Neil sitting alone in the hallway of the Hamilton County Mental Health Center! Somewhere in the squealing of the guitars, I swear I can hear him crying out for help, but no one ever comes. Nobody will help Uncle Neil, but Jasmine can help you if you’re interested in a private dance after this next song. Let’s show her some love, gentlemen!
Time out—I’ve just been informed that we have a bachelor party in the house tonight! Kevin Jacobson, make your way up to the stage, my man. Aww yeah. Now Jasmine, make sure you give Kevin the special treatment because just from looking at him he seems like a good guy. I could easily picture Kevin being one of those soldiers who fought in Vietnam; enemies just attacked his platoon, so Kevin’s running in slow motion and his friends are getting blown to bits all around him but Kevin just keeps running. Right when you think he’s about to get away—BLAM!—he steps on a landmine and explodes.
Ohhhh yeeeeah, check out Jasmine doin’ the splits! Daddy likey! You know, I wish I could do something cool that’s impressive like that. All I’d need is just one thing, so that I could say to everybody, “See? I’m NOT useless. This is something that I can do very well.” Are you guys like me? Do you ever worry that you have literally no marketable skills?
Wow! Be careful up there Kev, because Jasmine is really whipping her hair around! I don’t know about where you fellas are sitting, but from over here—if you tilt your head to the side and unfocus your eyes a little bit—it sort of looks like there’s a miniature horse attacking Kevin with its tail. Everybody see that? And then the stage lights look like they could be the lights from a police car, so I’m imagining that a cop just got here to break up the fight, but the horse is so angry at Kevin for whatever reason that it keeps hitting him. Maybe it was a drug deal gone bad. So the cop is threatening to shoot but the horse doesn’t notice. Or it’s so high that it just doesn’t care. Now are you guys seeing it? I guess we can talk about it later.
Allllll right gentlemen, Jasmine’s got one more song. This is another one that always makes me think about Uncle Neil and what I assume to be a violent, abusive staff at the Hamilton County Mental Health Center; it’s called “You Shook me All Night Long.” I want to hear every single one of you make some noise!