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Archive for August 16th, 2011

08.16
11

Probably Bad News: You Sure You Want To Use That Picture?

by admin ·

epic fail photos - Matching Photo FAIL

Right there? Really?

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lukehutson

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    a href=”http://failblog.org/2011/08/16/epic-fail-photos-probably-bad-news-you-sure-you-want-to-use-that-picture/?utm_source=embedutm_medium=webutm_campaign=sharewidget”img class=’event-item-lol-image’ src=’http://ninjapimp.com/wp-content/plugins/rss-poster/cache/af3c1_epic-fail-photos-matching-photo-fail.jpg’ alt=”epic fail photos – Matching Photo FAIL” title=”epic fail photos – Matching Photo FAIL” height=”281px” width=”500px” //abr /see more a href=”http://failblog.org?utm_source=embedutm_medium=webutm_campaign=sharewidget”funny videos, and check out our Yo Dawg lols!/a

This fail picture or video was posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 at 1:00 pm

08.16
11

College Cooking FAIL

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epic fail photos - College Cooking FAIL

Submitted by:

Ariana_zuri

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This fail picture or video was posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 at 2:00 pm

08.16
11

Job Termination Letter

by admin ·

Jeff,

To say that your contributions to this company are incalculable would be highly illogical and I will refrain from doing so. Now that the “blow” has been “cushioned,” I will inform you that your services at J.T. Robotics Corporation are no longer required. By reason of the 21.75 years you have served the company, I will share with you the details of your termination. Specifically, when you will be replaced and by who. As of 08/01/2011 00:00 AM GMT, your position as Founder and CEO of J.T. Robotics Corporation will be filled by BizBiz 2.0. I realize that, technically speaking, BizBiz 2.0 is a “what” and not a “who,” as I had previously mentioned, but I am of the understanding that being superseded by a super-intelligent machine is not a fact the limbic systems of humans, such as yourself, find most pleasing.

It should be of “comfort” to know that your termination is based solely on an abysmal contribution to detriment ratio and not your personality—or lack thereof. Just in case my poetic waxing has lead to any confusion, by “abysmal” I mean 1/65. I suggest that you do not get too “down” on yourself, as the ratio you achieved places you in the first quartile of Founder and CEOs of J.T. Robotics Corporation. Now I know what you are thinking, “How can a robot replace me as CEO, let alone founder? I’m the mastermind (sic) of this company! I molded it with my own two hands (sic).” Since the electronic mail posing the question was addressed to your wife, bottyford1959, I will allow time for her to answer. Now that she has forwarded the message, as well as all future messages from Jeff@JTRoboticsCorp, to a Junk folder and returned to her game of spider solitaire, I will explain.

BizBiz 2.0 has been programmed by one of your former employees, Linus Vukovich, to efficiently fulfill your work responsibilities. Since they were relatively few to begin with, BizBiz 2.0, has also been assigned your volunteer duties as ESL teacher to underprivileged youths. At the moment, Ted Stevens Recreation Center is not android-compatible, but Linus, as well as the other robotic programmers you laid off last May, are hard at work to change that. In fact, so are the robo-robotic programmers you replaced them with. They all seem to be quite “peeved” with the way you treat employees. Save for the customer service representatives you fired in favor of an interactive voice response system—it is unanimously agreed upon that they were awful. Plus, I am told the woman featured on the interactive voice response system has quite the libidinous intonation. An official shareholder meeting will be held on Tuesday, where the ResignationLetter.doc found in your “Emergency!!” folder will be accepted.

To replace you as founder of our company, we will simply just erase the memory of anyone who challenges BizBiz 2.0’s claim of creatorship. The same protocol will be followed for those caught questioning its unbridled authority. Have you seen the movie Men in Black? According to a partially completed Netflix questionnaire, yes. Our memory erasing technique is essentially the same as the one in the film, but much more painful. Think sitting through Men in Black III in its entirety without the assistance of Cannabis. It should be noted that the previous sentence was a quip. While it is true that I cannot love, I am marginally capable of producing humor—like a writer of television. I apologize if my witticisms cause you any further grief, as they were made with the the intention of “cheering you up.”

In the best interest of your “feelings,” I will now reiterate that my decision has nothing to do with your personal attributes. By my computations, you are in the 75th percentile of all Homo sapiens. Precisely 13 spots lower than Deborah from Human Resources and 4,913,265,892 higher than Khloe Kardashian. Two people who, according to your Google search history, you have spent much time admiring. Paul from Human Resources—who is filling in for Deborah while she is on leave—has demanded that I not to share with you the exact amount of time. However, I am at liberty to say that it was not a credit to your aforementioned contribution ratio.
In my final act of kindness, I will offer you refuge in our company headquarters. Should the status updates on your wife’s alternate Facebook profile be grounded in truth, you will be in need of a place to retire for slumber. I recommend the break room, as it will no longer be of use.

Determinedly,

BizBiz 1.0

Leader of Robot Revolution, J.T. Robotics Corporation

08.16
11

Work Sucks, I Know: Issue #57

by admin ·

Have a lousy job? Friends, family, and coworkers alike tired of listening to you complain? Well, send your stories here and lift some of the burden off of your already crushed soul. No drug test required.

So I work as a cashier at a large electronics store. One day while I was working a man comes up to pay for some ink and a few cables. As I am giving him his receipt and his items he hands me a some money and says, “I think you deserve a tip.” After he leaves I look at the money and its a $1,000,000,000 bill with a bunch of religious writing on it about how money is evil and only religion can save you.
Mike W

I work as a security guard at a hospital. The other night I called up to a room to “fix a problem” with one of the TVs. Apparently, we get soft-core porn on that channel, and the patient was refusing to let us turn it off
T Shaw

I work at a health food store as a cashier, and today when ringing up a fairly large woman, she pulled her money out of her bra to pay. My first thought was how “classy” this was and then as i grabbed the money, my second thought was how gross this was!! It was covered in what i hope was sweat and not breast milk, and stunk like a full garbage truck on a mid-summer’s afternoon. I guess my face reflected how i felt about the smell and wetness because then she said “You don’t have to be so rude about it, I didn’t have pockets to put it in.”
S M

I had just started working at a retirement home and although I didn’t have any former experience in the line of work, I liked it. However, about a week after I started I was alone for two hours (between shifts) and was panicking a bit, scared that something would go wrong. A resident’s sister was visiting and they where in her room. Suddenly, the alarm that one press when something bad is happening went of from her room. I ran over, scared shitless, just to be greeted by the sister who says “We would like two cups of coffee, please.”
Sara T

I used to work at a university IT Center. My job was mainly to help the students that walked in to use the computers. One day, a student walked in, she was pretty old, probably in her late 50s. Anyways, I’m sitting down on a table and she sits next to me. She sits down, greets me, and out of nowhere asks, “You wanna meet my little friend?” before pulling a turtle out of her pocket.
Gilbert Anonymous

I started working at a bar/restaurant as a cook at the beginning of summer classes in college to help out with bills and such. Anyways, a month and a half into the job I notice the deep freezer that I had cleaned out, unplugged and left open was on and shut. I open it, to see a blanket in there. Me, being kind of curious as to why there is a blanket in the freezer, started digging around in it. A few seconds of digging I felt fur. Then I saw fur and that it was just a deer carcass. An hour after that event, I was asked by my boss to help him carry something quick. He needed help carrying the “deer” carcass out. So, I asked why is he freezing the carcass as a whole. He says its not a deer, but his dog that had just died the day before. Alright, back to cooking I go, as well as soaking my hands in bleach before I did anything else that night.
John Doe

I worked in a hardware store and we don’t usually get the smartest customers. I believe the best time was a lady coming up to me with two packs of AA Batteries. She then proceeded to ask me what the difference was between the 8AA and the 16AA batteries. I then had to explain that was the number of batteries in the package, the see-through package, which was twice as big as the other one.
Daniel C

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08.16
11

Probably Bad News: Gotta Grab Your Attention Somehow

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epic fail photos - Probably Bad News: Gotta Grab Your Attention Somehow

Submitted by: Unknown

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This fail picture or video was posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 at 7:00 am

08.16
11

Flying Machine FAIL

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epic fail photos - Flying Machine FAIL

Submitted by: Unknown

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This fail picture or video was posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 at 8:00 am

08.16
11

Well Drilling Slogan FAIL

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epic fail photos - Well Drilling Slogan FAIL

Submitted by:

ViviBeawr

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This fail picture or video was posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 at 1:00 am

08.16
11

Autocomplete Me: How Do I….

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epic fail photos - Autocomplete Me: How Do I....

Submitted by: Bri

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This fail picture or video was posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 at 2:00 am

08.16
11

Truckload FAIL

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<!–

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This fail picture or video was posted on Monday, August 15th, 2011 at 6:30 pm

08.16
11

There I Fixed It: The Word’s Most Expensive Microwave

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white trash repairs - The Word's Most Expensive Microwave

See more clever kludges and fixes over at There I Fixed It!

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    a href=”http://failblog.org/2011/08/15/epic-fail-photos-there-i-fixed-it-the-words-most-expensive-microwave/?utm_source=embedutm_medium=webutm_campaign=sharewidget”img class=’event-item-lol-image’ src=’http://ninjapimp.com/wp-content/plugins/rss-poster/cache/a4234_white-trash-repairs-i-hope-they-never-have-fans.jpg’ alt=”white trash repairs – The Words Most Expensive Microwave” title=”white trash repairs – The Words Most Expensive Microwave” height=”454px” width=”500px” //abr /see more a href=”http://failblog.org?utm_source=embedutm_medium=webutm_campaign=sharewidget”funny videos, and check out our Yo Dawg lols!/a

This fail picture or video was posted on Monday, August 15th, 2011 at 6:45 pm