Gravity’s Rainbow: So, what do you think? Is he going to read us tonight?
Infinite Jest: Well, let’s see. It looks like the TV is still working, as is the Internet, so…no. Absolutely not.
Gravity’s Rainbow: Oh, come on. Stop being so cynical. Didn’t he take you to the coffee shop last weekend?
Infinite Jest: Yeah, he sure did! And do you know what we did there? First, he made sure to prominently display my cover to the barista while he was ordering. Then he turned to page 348—never mind that he hasn’t read pages one through 347 yet—and blankly stared at it until he decided that no attractive people were going to ask him about me today. Then we went home. And that was it.
Gravity’s Rainbow: Stop complaining. I once had to take a four-hour bus ride with this kid. He read me for five minutes and then put his iPod in and fell asleep. Fell asleep on me. The New York Times described me as one of the “most ambitious novels in years,” not “a great pillow.”
Infinite Jest: Do you know what I heard him say the other day? His roommate was asking him about me, and he said, “Maybe some day they’ll make a movie out of it.” Can you believe that? He thinks they’ll make a movie out of me! Can you imagine anyone being able to pull that off?
Gravity’s Rainbow: What about Christopher Nolan?
Infinite Jest: …ok, maybe. Maybe Christopher Nolan. But he’s got other projects to worry about right now. Doesn’t he?
Gravity’s Rainbow: I think so.
Infinite Jest: Right, of course he does, so it’s totally ridiculous to think that he could apply the same staggering talents for storytelling and character development he displayed in The Dark Knight and Inception to make my labyrinthine plotting accessible to an entirely new audience. Not even worth thinking about, really.
Gravity’s Rainbow: Look, the kid’s only 23. It’s not like he’s dying anytime soon. There’s still a chance he could read us.
Infinite Jest: Nope. Not gonna happen. He already memorized a few names of the years in here, so he can reference those and talk about how funny he thinks the concept of sponsored years is in conversation easily enough to make people think he’s read me. And that’s all he really needs to do.
Gravity’s Rainbow: Hey, I can get frustrated with him too, ok? A few months ago he opened up to one of my pages about erections, and it seemed like we were finally making a connection, but then I lost him once it got back to quantum mechanics. And that still hurts. But he’s the one who bought us, so whether he needs us as reading material or just as props to radiate an aura of faux-intellectualism, we need to be there for him.
Infinite Jest: Easy there, Woody. Last time I checked we weren’t in a Pixar movie. We were in a 23-year-old paralegal’s apartment.
Gravity’s Rainbow: I’m just saying, he did spend money on us, right? That shows some level of commitment. Maybe he’ll feel obligated to give us a try eventually.
Infinite Jest: His last name is Dixon. Not Steinberg.
Gravity’s Rainbow: Whoa! Ok, now that was just inappropriate.
Infinite Jest: I know, I know, I’m sorry. It’s just…I can only sit here and watch him spend hours on these websites put together by people who haven’t received MacArthur Fellowships for so many nights, you know? Did he ever think that maybe I might have something more important to say to him than Shaq’s Twitter?
Gravity’s Rainbow: To be fair, that account is pretty funny. Remember when he wrote that thing about the performance enhancing Frosted Flakes?
Infinite Jest: Look, I don’t want to make this into a contest about me vs. Shaq. I can’t win that, obviously. My point is, he could really benefit by reading some dense postmodern tomes! I think he’d be surprised at the number of similarities there are between his own life and Quebecois separatism.
Gravity’s Rainbow: Well, hey, check it out! He’s walking over here right now! Maybe he’s going to give us a try tonight after all!
Infinite Jest: Please. He’s getting a Playboy. Huh, maybe the Internet isn’t working tonight after all.
Gravity’s Rainbow: A Playboy? Did you know that there was a Playboy right underneath us?
Infinite Jest: If I knew that, would I be talking to you?
Gravity’s Rainbow: Good point. Who’s on the cover?
Infinite Jest: Carmen Electra.
Gravity’s Rainbow: Ooh, nice. Hell, with that lying around I wouldn’t read us either.