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Archive for July 20th, 2011

07.20
11

Probably Bad News: He Just Wanted Some Cheetos

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epic fail photos - Probably Bad News: He Just Wanted Some Cheetos

Submitted by: Unknown

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This fail picture or video was posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2011 at 1:00 pm

07.20
11

Dumpster Skitch FAIL

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This fail picture or video was posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2011 at 3:00 pm

07.20
11

[audio] Absentminded Professor Says Cure For Cancer ‘Around Here Somewhere’

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The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.

Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.

In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.

Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.

07.20
11

City Opens New Art Jail

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SAN FRANCISCO—City officials announced the opening of a new maximum-security art jail Tuesday, unveiling a modern detention facility designed to imprison a large population of high-profile paintings and sculptures.

The brightly lit four-story structure, located in the heart of San Francisco’s downtown, is sectioned off into 30 cell blocks, each confining nearly 1,000 pieces of art in small, sparse rooms where guards can keep a close eye on them at all times.

“Our goal was to create an institution capable of housing some of the world’s most sophisticated and renown artworks,” said art jail warden and distinguished Rembrandt scholar Dominique Paulson. “By keeping these masterpieces within our walls—whether temporarily or on a permanent basis—we hope to do a great service to our city and to society as a whole.”

A prisoner in solitary confinement.

According to Paulson, the new art jail will maintain strict visiting hours between 9:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. Tuesday through Sunday, with lights out occurring promptly afterward.

The facility will reportedly be closed to the public on Mondays.

Sources confirmed the art jail’s inmates include some of the most hardened terra-cotta statues in the world, as well as numerous depraved creations from the Rococo period, many of them not having seen the light of day in years. Paulson told reporters that just before Tuesday’s opening, a collection of Fauvist canvasses and four large pre-Columbian petroglyphs had been transferred to her facility.

“They keep sending us more every day,” Paulson said. “It’s good to rotate new pieces in now and then, but if they send us any more shards of Etruscan pottery, we’re going to have a serious overcrowding problem in our Hall of the Ancients exhibit.”

“It’s hard to find room for new acquisitions in there, because most of that wing is occupied by high-value artifacts that will likely be here forever,” Paulson added.

In addition to a video surveillance system that monitors all 48,000 square feet of the new building, art jail officials said they have installed motion-activated alarms that run through every floor and wall in order to minimize any chance of the imprisoned art getting loose.

“I run a pretty tight ship around here, and I think that makes all the difference,” said Ernie Wilhelm, head of the art jail’s 400-person security team. “For every piece of art that’s in here, there are four or five people who’d love to get it out. As a result, everything is secured and totally locked down in its place, with the exception of a couple interactive installations and the Calder mobile hanging in the atrium.”

The artworks are reportedly confined at different security levels, with particularly prominent or notorious paintings being held in rooms all by themselves, where they hang on otherwise bare walls and are kept under close scrutiny by guards.

Paulson has defended this practice of solitary confinement to reporters, arguing that it is used rarely and claiming that many works in the art jail, including most of the contemporary sculptures, are allowed to spend time in the open-air courtyard.

“If you want to maintain order, you have to put each piece in its proper place,” said Paulson, explaining that inmates were strictly divided by genre, artist, and form. “The Pointillist works are with the other Pointillist works. The Monets are with the Monets. The ancient Hellenistic reliefs are a little older so they have their own area.”

Most visitors to the art jail on Tuesday said they were grateful for the opportunity to see the prisoners, though some acknowledged the experience was emotionally complicated for them.

“My dad’s been in places like this ever since I can remember,” said Jim Rothko, standing outside the Abstract Expressionist cell block. “I always try to come by and see him from time to time, but it’s hard. Deep down, though, I have to admit this is where he belongs.”

07.20
11

Labor Dept. Creates 20,000 New Hobbies For Nation’s Jobless

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WASHINGTON—The federal government announced Monday that 20,000 new hobbies would be made available to the nation’s 14 million unemployed people in an effort to keep them occupied with mildly diverting pastimes. “If we can’t get job legislation passed, the least we can do is provide these citizens with something to do during the workday,” Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said of the new federally recommended hobbies, which include Tuesday morning board game leagues, vintage computer-monitor collecting, and finding quick ways to streamline your cell phone contacts. “It is our hope that Americans will take comfort in novel activities such as rearranging the contents of their refrigerator so it looks like a photo from a magazine, as these things don’t require a lot of money, just a lot of effort.” Many are comparing the move to the Give Them Something Shiny To Look At initiative from 2009, which was a temporary success.

07.20
11

Tim Duncan Sends Teammates Google+ Invitations For Fifth Consecutive Day

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SAN ANTONIO—For nearly a week, Spurs center Tim Duncan has reportedly emailed his teammates invitations to join him on Google’s new social networking site, Google+. “Please join soon, as I’ve already begun sharing game plans and upcoming events via Google+’s Circles feature,” Duncan wrote in an email Tuesday, adding that team chemistry “may suffer” if people don’t have access to each other’s +1’s. “I’ve pinned the San Antonio Spurs under my Sparks, and you should too as soon as you’ve set up your profiles. And, also, guys, please switch out your old Comcast and Earthlink email accounts for new GMail ones so we can communicate easier via Google Groups.” As of press time, no Spurs player has entered Duncan’s current Google+ Hangout.

07.20
11

American Voices: Phone Hack Whistleblower Found Dead

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Sean Hoare, a former News Of The World entertainment journalist who was first to admit publicly that reporters were encouraged to hack celebrities’ phones, was found dead in his home at Watford, England. What do you think?

  • Well, I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson about trying to rid the world of evil.”

    Lynn Scott
    Vault Custodian

  • That guy was kind of Woodward and Bernstein, Deep Throat and Nixon all in one.

    Ian Evans
    Systems Analyst

  • I hope you’re not implying that this guy was killed by Rupert Murdoch, because that’s the kind of thing that can get you killed by Rupert Murdoch.

    Josh Wright
    Unemployed

07.20
11

Congress Continues Debate Over Whether Or Not Nation Should Be Economically Ruined

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WASHINGTON—Members of the U.S. Congress reported Wednesday they were continuing to carefully debate the issue of whether or not they should allow the country to descend into a roiling economic meltdown of historically dire proportions. “It is a question that, I think, is worthy of serious consideration: Should we take steps to avoid a crippling, decades-long depression that would lead to disastrous consequences on a worldwide scale? Or should we not do that?” asked House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), adding that arguments could be made for both sides, and that the debate over ensuring America’s financial solvency versus allowing the nation to default on its debt—which would torpedo stock markets, cause mortgage and interests rates to skyrocket, and decimate the value of the U.S. dollar—is “certainly a conversation worth having.” “Obviously, we don’t want to rush to consensus on whether it is or isn’t a good idea to save the American economy and all our respective livelihoods from certain peril until we’ve examined this thorny dilemma from every angle. And if we’re still discussing this matter on Aug. 2, well, then, so be it.” At press time, President Obama said he personally believed the country should not be economically ruined.

07.20
11

Redneck Fun FAIL

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epic fail photos - Redneck Fun FAIL gif

Submitted by: Unknown

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This fail picture or video was posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2011 at 8:00 am

07.20
11

T-shirt FAIL

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epic fail photos - T-shirt FAIL

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lisaelrocks

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Picture by: Lisa

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This fail picture or video was posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2011 at 9:00 am