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This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 17th, 2011 at 12:00 pm
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 17th, 2011 at 12:00 pm
Submitted by: Saxon
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 17th, 2011 at 2:00 pm
One of the most annoying things about going to an amusement park (and there’s plenty to choose from) is all the stupid precautions, from those bars that pin you to the seat even if you’re just going to the bathroom to the part where they force you to listen as a suicidal ride attendant recites the same warnings for the 500th time in the day.
Amusement park owners weren’t always so cautious, though, and even these days, there are still some reminders of why all that crap is necessary. Like …
Russia has a long, proud, terrifying history with roller coasters dating back to the 17th century, when something (most likely copious amounts of vodka consumption) convinced the Russians that constructing massive wooden scaffolds, coating them in ice and pushing their children down them would be a great idea.
“Thank goodness child abuse hasn’t been invented yet!”
Russian Mountains are basically giant, nearly five-stories-tall slides built from the most rudimentary materials possible — even the “sleighs” were made entirely out of ice. This is the sort of ingenious yet utterly unlikely contraption you’d expect to find in an episode of The Flintstones. Riders would climb up the long, rickety staircase and fling themselves down on frozen toboggans, which often came complete with a purposefully placed bump at the end just to jar your groin a bit more.
Ultimate Roller Coaster
That is, assuming your groin wasn’t still attached to the ice at the top of the slide.
As for safety measures, they consisted of a rope fastened to the sleigh for you to hold on to as you careened down the track at what was typically a 50-degree angle and the period’s most technologically advanced stopping mechanism:
The greatest achievement in 17th-century engineering.
The straw was actually sprinkled in small layers at the end of the slide to provide friction, a measure that typically allowed at least one of the several riders to survive any given trip.
Roller Coaster History
“You know, Yuri, at this point a revolution might kill fewer people.”
Since they relied on ice, Russian Mountains were only available during the winter — that is, until thrill-seeking Russian Empress Catherine the Great (the Michael Jackson of the 1700s, apparently) decided to have her own personal slide built in her back yard and demanded that it be usable during the brief portion of the year that Russia isn’t a depressing ice sculpture, laws of nature be damned. Her terrified subjects solved the problem by using wheeled carts instead of ice tracks, thus inventing the modern roller coaster.
“Now great lines shall form in front of the structure, and men shall dress as mice and ducks.”
When French entrepreneurs witnessed this invention during the Napoleonic Wars, they brought the idea back to their home country, where news of the fantastic thrills spread throughout the land via slender, mustachioed men. In the mid-1800s, a version of the dry slide made a debut on Coney Island in the United States — but it wasn’t the first American roller coaster, or the most insane …
What’s the longest roller coaster ride you’ve taken? Three to four minutes, probably. And all of it spent, no doubt, tightly pinned down by your chest bar in a car that was safely secured to the track. The Mauch Chunk Railway in Carbon County, Penn., had no time for any of that shit.
Mostly because none of it had been invented yet.
The downhill railway traveled at a maximum speed of 100 miles per hour, propelled entirely by a little thing called “gravity.” It was actually built in 1827 as a coal delivery system, but in a flash of brilliance, the workers had the idea of occasionally filling the cars with children and shoving them down the hill for a quick buck. A single pants-shitting ride in this prehistoric roller coaster lasted something like half an hour, by which time the cars were probably overflowing with the occupants’ tears.
“For the love of God, someone invent OSHA!”
This created one of the most amazingly intense and dumbfoundingly stupid public attractions of all time, especially considering that the mere ability to secure the car to the track was still some 100 years away from being invented — meaning that the railway was not so much a roller coaster as it was, in the words of roller coaster historians, “a runaway train.”
It was like Splash Mountain minus the water and the racist cartoon characters.
The ride became so popular that it was eventually transformed into a full-time tourist attraction, complete with a hotel and a restaurant at the top of the track (plus a gift shop selling artists’ impressions of people flashing their boobs and what your face looked like at the height of the terror, we like to imagine). At some point the coal cars were replaced by a small train … but it was still completely powered by gravity and human fear. Apparently, the transition from “mining rail” to “roller coaster” was mostly a matter of semantics.
They did add a second steam-powered uphill track that could take passengers to the top in only 80 minutes (this was a major improvement from the previous 4.5 hours), but if you ask us, the way up must have been even more terrifying. Think about it: You know that awful moment when the car is slowly inching toward the top of the roller coaster and you start hating yourself for ever getting on this thing? Imagine that same anticipation lasting for over an hour.
The sides of the rail were littered with the corpses of those who preferred to jump off.
The Mauch Chunk Railway finally closed during the Great Depression, forcing hundreds of masochistic thrill seekers to have to look for other ways to suffer. Fortunately, it was the Great Depression. But, speaking of the gross misuse of technology for the sake of amusement …
Ever wonder what happened to all the catapults once humankind figured out more efficient ways to hurl shit at each other? They’re probably in some museum or something, right? As it turns out, one of them (or at least a very good replica) ended up in the Middlemoor Water Park in the U.K. — where people paid $70 to be catapulted into the air in the manner of a medieval projectile.
Even without the catapult, this still looks like the worst water park ever.
The “human trebuchet,” as they called it, launched unprotected, unsecured patrons more than 75 feet into a free-standing air net suspended between giant poles. This allowed park visitors to recreate the experience of being a plague-ridden corpse in the Middle Ages.
The Dangerous Sports Club
The English have a Dangerous Sports Club? Why don’t we have one of those?
In 2002, the trebuchet proved to be exactly as safe as it looks when one man tragically missed the safety net. But despite claiming one life and causing at least one other person serious injuries, the deadly attraction (presumably closed by now) actually became a huge hit in Japan. This is the part where we act surprised.
We have no idea what the narrator in this video is saying, but we imagine he’s expressing bafflement over the fact that the English did not think to attach fireworks to the men’s feet while forcing their grandmothers to watch as they were launched. Incidentally, that’s exactly what the Japanese did when they imported the idea.
You continue to find new ways to surprise us, Japan.
To 14-year-old Milton Hervishbolt, the thrill of an efficient checkmate used to be the most rousing bodily sensation imaginable.
A pawn promotion for a last-second Queen assault used to stoke the fire of life’s passion. A careful study of grandmasters like Ponziani, Fisher and Karpov used to occupy every synapse of his mind.
But no more.
“Milton recently had his first sexual experience,” chess coach Sergei Kostronvich said. “And his interest in the subtleties and beauty of the game of chess has been usurped by a newfound interest in ejaculation.”
Hervishbolt’s experience, delineated by Kostronvich at a press conference, took place at a downtown hotel where a juniors chess tournament was held last weekend. According to Kostronvich, the busty wife of a tournament organizer lured Hervishbolt to her hotel room and rubbed his genital region briefly, causing him to ejaculate. He then promptly fled.
“I’m not sure what she did,” Hervishbolt said, “But it felt even better than when I beat Ned Tiedelman with a Muzio gambit in the third-level junior masters last fall.”
Many young chess masters leave the game after discovering sex, according to a recent Chess Monthly study.
“The human orgasm is reportedly very pleasurable,” chess analyst Doris Gyklina said, herself once a grandmaster. “From the time of first orgasm on, a chess prodigy, if given the choice between the carnal forces of human sexuality and playing a game of chess, will invariably choose sex. Especially if it is with another human.”
According to his coach, Hervishbolt’s only previous contact with a female took place in a tri-state rank trial. Hervishbolt was pitted against a 9-year-old female opponent, Sandra Kloust, renowned in her upstate New York school district for her undefeated elementary chess record.
“It didn’t matter to Milton that she was a female,” Kostronvich said. Reportedly, the girl’s flat chest and underdeveloped pheromone glands made her incapable of arousing the boy.
Hervishbolt’s seductress, 43-year-old Wendy Menkis, supports Hervishbolt’s decision to give up the game.
“I have always fantasized about tea-ching a fresh young boy the art of making love,” Menkis said. “I find their youth and inexperience an in-credible turn-on.”
When asked, Men–kis admitted she does not care about chess, nor does she have any interest in learning the intricacies of the game. Hervishbolt, also no longer interested in chess, plans to pursue more sexual experiences.
“I will employ the technique of encirclement to ensnare a female,” he said, outlining his plans for the immediate future. “Threat-ening a for-king check, i.e. N-K7ch, I will capture her En Passant, much like the pawn. It is at that point that I will be in position to touch her boob.”
NORRISTOWN, PA—Despite receiving a “check-plus” on his three-page school project entitled “World War II,” fourth-grader Joe Fisher’s work grossly overlooks the full significance of Allied air offensives in Europe and the Pacific, his uncle Ron, 51, reported Tuesday. “What [Joe] failed to grasp was the importance of sustained bombing raids conducted across the Western Front, not to mention the decisive aerial assaults on the Imperial Japanese Navy,” said Ron Fisher about his 9-year-old nephew’s handwritten, stapled, and illustrated report. “Are we actually to believe, as Joe’s report supposes, that a few isolated beach landings in the European theater turned the tide of the war? Frankly, that overstates the case to an embarrassing degree.” Fischer reportedly spent the next 90 minutes detailing how teething problems in the R-2600 engines of Curtis XB2C-1 prototypes were eventually smoothed out in the SB2C service models.
LOS ANGELES (AP)—Citing revenge for what they bill a consistently deteriorating support base and general lack of appreciation, area police are gearing up to get even with the community this evening. Their plan, known as “Operation Psycho Pig Rampage,” calls for the pillaging of homes, harassment of passersby and random shooting of harmless motorists.
Officers cited both the O.J. Simpson and Rodney King trials as two incidents that have enormously undermined America’s faith in the police. According to police department insiders across the nation, African-Americans have direct reason to hate the police. In addition, many whites are filled with a once-removed, transitive sense of guilt/em-pathy for the abused black populace.
“The black community has nothing short of a gnawing hatred and mistrust of law enforcement officials,” Deputy police chief Gary Chower said. “And well they should. But that doesn’t mean we are not going to whup major ass this evening, when we roll through the community with the soul-crushing force of a Third World totalitarian autocracy.”
Police department insiders went on to cite years of verbal abuse by citizenry, public portrayals of police as villainous cogs of the system, and repeated lampooning in trucker-themed feature films as further reason for their rage.
“Operation Psycho Pig Rampage will undoubtedly be the average white middle-class liberal’s nightmare,” Officer Harrison Timkin said. “Not only will we subdue citizens with gas and billy clubs, but we hope to terrorize them psychologically as well, using menacing pig-faced tear gas masks to strike fear into their hearts.”
By Saturday the police hope to have needlessly maced, beaten and abused vast sections of the general populace and to have illegally jailed and detained hundreds more.
Psycho Pig organizers plan to use enormous loudspeaker amplification on city street corners to generate oinking and snorting sound effects as they beat citizens into hobbled submission.
Officers are convinced this is both fitting retribution and a necessary step for the populace to understand law enforcement officials’ new role in the American community.
One young police officer, rookie cop Roy Beamer, is looking forward to Psycho Pig Rampage with some reservation.
“I just joined the force and I’m not sure this whole rampage is right,” Beamer said. “But the captain and all the other guys want me to do it, so I guess I’m in support of it.”
Beamer plans to use his riot stick to beat old women until they involuntarily relieve their bowels.
Those in the community have not been supportive of Operation Psycho Pig Rampage, suggesting that it may be in violation of the inherent trust that many citizens have for their public servants.
“I fear for my life and my children’s lives,” area resident Madge Kimterfon said. “Please help us.”
Said resident Maureen Hemterfagh: “My God, they’re going to kill us all.”
Law enforcement officials fear neither reprisals, nor punishment for their actions.
“We are the only members of the community trained and sanctioned by the people to use violence, even deadly force, at our discretion,” Chower said. “Truly, the streets will run red with the blood of the innocent.”
State and federal support for the soon-to-be-ravaged city is unlikely, as many government officials see this as a local issue, best dealt with by local authorities, namely, the police.
A local drunken man made an interesting point about society late last night, incisively commenting on the U.S. government’s strangely misplaced priorities. Art Telsker, a 42-year-old plant supervisor, made the insightful, pointed remark at about 11:45 p.m. at the Starlight Motor Lodge Bar, where he had spent the night drinking himself into an inebriated stupor.
“It’s like the government, they got enough money to build bombs and guns, but they don’t got enough to feed people,” Telsker sharply noted to several strangers as he downed a double shot of Wild Turkey whiskey. “They got it all totally backwards, man.”
He then added, “It’s crazy, man, you know?” before urinating on himself and staggering home.
Telsker’s prescient political observation immediately impressed his fellow bar-goers.
“What Telsker said was right on target,” said Stan Eckles, 35, who was also drunk. “He was talking about how we spend more money on the military and defense than we do on social programs like welfare. And his conclusion was right: That truly is misdirected spending.”
Wayne Tolleson, who was nursing a scotch and soda next to Telsker at the time, agreed.
“I wish I could remember exactly how he put it, because it was so perfect,” he said. “He just cut right to the essence of the whole problem in this incredible way.”
Tolleson killed a family of six later that evening in a drunk driving accident.
When asked to elaborate on his opinion of U.S. budgetary spending, Telsker responded, “I was talkin’ to this one chick for like an hour last night and I was sure something was gonna happen,” he said. “But then after I threw up, she told me she was married and left.”
News of Telsker’s politically charged words quickly reached Washington.
“Until now, I have been one of the leaders in the movement to cut welfare spending while maintaining military expenditure at its current level,” Spea-ker of the House Newt Gin-grich said. “But it is now clear that, as Mr. Telsker puts it, ‘We’ve got it all totally backwards, man.’”
The New Re-pub-lic magazine was also moved by Jablonsky’s cutting-edge commentary, devoting most of its next issue to the views of the twice-divorced alcoholic plant supervisor and father of five.
“Solutions to major societal problems do not always come from within the Washington beltline,” editor Andrew Lerman said. “Often, they come from uninformed, blue-collar Americans who spout their ignorant, oversimplified solutions to complex, real-world problems to anyone who will listen.”
In addition to his appearance on the cover of The New Republic, Telsker has been booked in numerous political round table discussions, including Crossfire and the McLaughlin Group.
President Clinton has also expressed interest in consulting Telsker on a number of critical domestic is-sues.
“Mr. Telsker has a clear sense of what is good policy and what is just out of whack,” Clinton said. “I will consult with him daily in the months to come.’”
This is not the first time Telsker has boldly questioned the priorities of American society. Last August, after drinking a case of Old Milwaukee beer in the cab of his pick-up, he muttered to himself, “The cops, man, they just sit around all day, give jaywalking tickets and eat donuts.”
The remark led to sweeping changes in police department standards and procedures across the nation.
Submitted by: Unknown
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 17th, 2011 at 4:00 am
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 17th, 2011 at 5:00 am
The kind of success J.K. Rowling has seen with the Harry Potter saga comes along maybe once in a generation. Lord of the Rings spawned an entire fantasy movement, Star Wars ushered in a new era of space opera and Harry Potter has brought the concept of magic out of the nerd closet and into the mainstream. Obviously, there will be some people looking to ride those sparkly robetails. Some of them do it a little more gracefully than others, however …
Nancy Stouffer, an unpublished fantasy author from New England, came forward in the year 2000 to claim Rowling stole the idea for Harry Potter. Stouffer was positive that Harry Potter’s appearance and the names of several characters were lifted directly from her children’s storybook Larry Potter and his Best Friend Lilly — which, to be fair, does rhyme.
Rhyming is illegal, right?
Off to Azkaban she goes.
However, Stouffer claimed to have more compelling evidence: She invented the term “muggles” years earlier in her novel Rah, for example, and that book included several similar themes and motifs later used in the Harry Potter series.
For instance, both books contained white males.
Now she had something: Warner Bros., Rowling and the court system all started listening. Before the process, Stouffer repeatedly went to the press, speaking at length about the damning similarities between Harry Potter and her source material, and she had signed contracts, published books, and dated materials to prove it. When it finally came time to reveal her concrete evidence, however, it was … less than compelling: Larry Potter was the story of a little boy coming to terms with the fact that he has to get glasses. His friend Lilly helps to cheer him up. That was the extent of the “damning evidence” — the names sounded kind of similar.
Stouffer was not deterred: She argued that because the names were so similar, both boys wore glasses and both had a character named Lilly, Rowling had stolen Stouffer’s intellectual property. The problem was that the booklet only had one paragraph where the boy is referred to as Larry Potter (the rest of the time it’s just Larry). So Rowling’s lawyers did a little digging, and discovered that though the booklet was supposedly written in 1988, the paragraph with the word “Potter” was typed in a different font from the rest of the document — a font that didn’t exist until 1993.
Woops! Bet you wish you had a time-turner right about now, eh, Nancy? OH, NERD SNAP!
MacGuffins: Never leave home without one.
Needless to say, the case was thrown out. But there was a silver lining for Stouffer, in that her works have now finally been published. Much in keeping with her love of altering original content, she’s since changed key details of the Larry Potter story, and also expanded the title of her other book, Rah, to The Legend of Rah and the Muggles — because she’s still convinced that you can retroactively have an idea first.
No amount of punching can fix what’s wrong with this woman.
Oberon Zell-Ravenheart is a self-proclaimed wizard, and the founder of the Church of All Worlds. He’s known to his peers as the “father of neo-paganism,” and to everybody else as “get away from my kids, weirdo.” Delighted to see that children were finally getting interested in the magical arts, Ravenheart created the Grey School of Wizardry for aspiring witches and wizards looking for their own Hogwarts. The school was originally intended for ages 11 to 17 , but today there are three times as many adults enrolled as there are children. This surprised Ravenheart, who had obviously never heard of the Internet.
The similarities between The Grey School and Hogwarts are numerous: Once they sign up, students are sorted into one of four houses: gnomes, sylphs, salamanders and undines. Adults are sorted into lodges. The houses compete each year for the House Hat and the Lodge cup. Students of the Grey School can take a wide variety of classes such as Introduction to Herbology, Potions and Brews, and Divination. But unlike Hogwarts, The Grey School does offer a focus in the Dark Arts — you know, just in case you want to use your pretend powers for pretend evil.
Rowling herself even maintains that the magic used in the books is entirely made up. Though she has done extensive research into mythology, history and legend, she admits she doesn’t know the first thing about magic and does not “believe in witchcraft.” But petty concerns like those mean nothing to a man who once tried to create a real unicorn … by surgically grafting a horn onto a goat.
There’s a fine line between magic and animal abuse. Ravenheart pisses on that line.
The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens is a straight-to-DVD classic that combines a child’s love of magic with blatant plagiarism, horrible filmmaking and mild insanity. Here, watch a bit:
Confused? Unsure if this is a children’s movie or a bizarre porn starring bearded hobos? We’re not surprised. Even after watching the whole thing, we’re not exactly sure what it’s supposed to be about, but here’s what we could pin down: Billy Owens is chased by a bully into a pawn shop, where he decides to buy himself a wand for his birthday, because he’s that special kind of neglected that has to buy his own birthday presents, but still has money enough to do so. Later, he discovers that the wand is real and will perform magic, but only for him.
“Look! It shoots PSAs! The moooore you knooooow …”
Billy teams up with his two conspicuously familiar-sounding best friends: A know-it-all girl and a dull but loyal young boy. The owner of the magical pawn shop, Thurgood, a gruff old man with long hair and a beard, reveals that Billy is a wizard who comes from a powerful wizard…ing(?) family. They find out that the Viking God Loki (OK) decided to hide his scepter in the Spirit River (of course) and it’s protected by a river dragon (obviously). The dragon is about to be released (wait … from what? His guard duties?), and Billy is the only one who can stop it. At this point the movie hands the script and a small glossary of fantasy terms over to a group of non-English speaking Koreans and just hopes for the best. The results are not surprising: Something something evil scientist, yadda yadda magical birthdays, blah blah invisible doors to the spirit river.
Not even the actors can feign excitement.
The point is: A young boy prodigy discovers his special destiny and, with the help of his friends — a brilliant young girl and a pure-hearted (if a little dim) young man — saves the day with his trusty handheld magical device. Rowling would probably sue, but really, when you break it down like that, it sounds like she’s stealing her plot from The Wizard in the first place.