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Darling, I know we’ve been together for over 30 years, and we’ve always promised that we would never keep any secrets from each other. But I think you should brace yourself, because, well, there is one thing I haven’t been completely honest about: I’m Jimmy Buffett.

Please don’t be mad!

I know that for all these years you thought I was “Jimmy Buffett the boat salesman who had to travel a lot for work.” But no. I am Jimmy Buffett the multiplatinum recording artist known for such songs as “Margaritaville” and “Son Of A Son Of A Sailor.” It’s not something I’m very proud of, but it pays the bills.

I understand it’s a lot to take in right now, but it’s true. Your husband and the father of your children wrote and recorded the song “Cheeseburger In Paradise.” I actually wrote the lyrics to it the night we met. I understand if you never want to speak to me again.

It’s been tearing me up inside, lying to you like this. I can’t stand all the sneaking around, so as much as it pains me, I must reveal the awful truth. Last night when I told you I was going to run to the store for a second, I actually flew down to Miami and performed in front of 45,000 people for my Year of Still Here Tour. Also, that Country Music Award on my dresser? That wasn’t a gag gift like I said. That is real. And I didn’t save up for your diamond engagement ring by taking extra shifts at the marina. Something called “Pencil Thin Mustache” bought that ring. It’s a song about a guy who wants a pencil thin mustache.

Jesus Christ, what have I done?

And all those times I told you that I was “going to the Jimmy Buffett concert”? Well, I wasn’t attending those concerts, I was standing on stage singing songs for thousands of screaming fans. Yes, the very same people who come up to me on the street and tell me how much they love me. They’re called…they’re called Parrotheads and I’m sorry!

Please, don’t let this change the way you think of me. I’m still the same guy I’ve always been, except that I don’t actually sell boats, and occasionally I yell to thousands of people to “get your fins up” and then they wave their hands around above their heads and pretend they’re sharks.

If it’s any consolation, I’m also a bestselling author. That’s not so bad, right? My newest novel is called Swine Not? and on the cover there’s a picture of me in a hammock next to a pig, and…. Oh God, you know what, just forget I ever mentioned that.

I didn’t want you to ever have to find out about this, but I knew you were starting to get suspicious. Especially the other night, when we were watching TV and the AE; Biography on Jimmy Buffett came on, and he looked exactly like me, and then they showed a picture of the two of us together while they were talking about his family life. I tried to throw you off the trail by accusing you of having an affair with Jimmy Buffett the singer, but deep down, I knew it was time to come clean.

“A Pirate Looks At Forty,” “Why Don’t We Get Drunk (And Screw),” “Jamaica Mistaica”—all me. Every single one of them. That was me.

I’m sure this probably explains a lot, like how we’re able to eat for free twice a day, every day at the Margaritaville Café. Also, the reason I don’t let you into the garage and scream at you if you even go near the door is because it’s not really a garage, it’s a $4 million recording studio. And it’s tropical- themed.

You know our friend Greg Taylor who I always call “Fingers” and who is always carrying around a harmonica? Well, he’s Fingers Taylor, the guy who plays the harmonica in my backup band, the…ugh, the Coral Reefers. I know, it sounds stupid! It all sounds so stupid, but it’s my life!

I still don’t know how you didn’t figure out my horrible secret last year when we were at that Alan Jackson concert together and he pulled me up on stage. Remember? See, I wasn’t doing Jimmy Buffett cover songs for karaoke, I was actually being Jimmy Buffett because I am him, and I was performing songs that I wrote, sometimes right when you were in the next room with the kids.

Oh my God, the kids! They must never find out.

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CHOCOLATE CITY—After months of ceaseless debate, including last week’s record 76-hour filibuster slap-bass solo from Senate Rubber Band Minority Leader Bootsy Collins (D-OH), the National Funk Congress is no closer to resolving its deadlock over the controversial “get up/get down” issue, insiders reported Monday.

Senate Rubber Band Minority Leader Bootsy Collins (D-OH).

“Get up-uh, get on up! Get up-uh, get on up!” shouted Getuplican Party supporters on the steps of the Capitol as the debate, as well as a massive 14-piece instrumental jam, raged within. The pro-up-getting demonstrators’ chants were nearly drowned out by those of a nearby group of jungle-boogie Downocrats, who called upon all citizens to “Get down, get down!”

The bitter “get up/get down” battle, which has polarized the nation’s funk community, is part of a long-running battle between the two factions, rooted in more than 35 years of conflict over the direction in which the American people should shake it.

“The time has come to face facts: To move forward, we’ve got to get on up, and stay on the scene, like a sex machine,” said Brick House Majority Leader James Brown (G-GA), one of getting on up’s most vocal supporters. “Say it loud: Only when we have gotten up offa that thing will we, as a nation, finally get back on the good foot.”

Upon learning of Brown’s remarks, Downocratic leaders openly questioned his commitment to getting up. Said Robert “Kool” Bell, a top-ranking Brick House Downocrat: “It is a well-known fact that Brown has, on many past occasions, urged his supporters to get down with they bad selves. In response to his inconsistent voting record and history of waffling on this crucial issue, we will not rest until every American, as is their birthright, has gotten down.”

“You got to get down,” Bell added. “Hyuh!”

The disagreement, which has paralyzed all efforts of the National Funk Congress to get it together and get funky for one and all, has reached crisis proportions, experts say.

“Until our country’s funky leaders can resolve this deadlock, U.S. funk leadership, and the booties of all Americans, will remain immobilized,” said Gregory Tate, domestic motorbooty-affairs reporter for The Washington Funkenquarterly. “Unless a compromise can be reached soon, the entire nation’s thang could be in serious jeopardy.”

“Our leaders’ refusal to budge, let alone move it from front to back, has crippled the move-your-body politic,” said current U.S. Mothership Ambassador George Clinton, one of the most outspoken critics of the deadlock. “These legislators must keep it real and understand that no matter what party policy may dictate, they cannot fake the funk. What the partisan people in the House need to realize is this: If they ain’t gon’ get along, the time has come for them to take they dead ass home.”

But despite such pleas for bipartisan compromise, the two parties remain at odds. This week, a Getuplican high-treble scratch-guitar initiative called for all Downocrats to “give it up and turn it loose,” sparking an angry war of words on the Senate dance floor. In response, the Downocratic members of the Grooves Booties Subcommittee drafted a bass-heavy resolution demanding that the initiative be voted “down, down, all the way down.”

Downocratic supporters march through the streets of Chocolate
City.

The Getuplican-Downocratic rift has been further complicated by confusing rhetoric from both sides. A call from Parliamentary leaders to “get up for the down stroke” was interpreted by members of both parties as a statement of support. Equally unclear was a statement made earlier this week by Funky Chinatown Big Boss-Elect Carl Douglas, who baffled observers with the assertion that Funky Chinamen were “chopping men up and chopping men down.”

For all the confusion and divisiveness, there are signs of hope. A bipartisan coalition of funky drummers is gaining strength, urging Downocrats and Getuplicans to find common ground by “getting together, on the one.” Also on the rise is a small grass-roots campaign calling upon party people not to get up or down, but simply to get it on.

Whether any of these fledgling reform movements will have a genuine impact on the entrenched groove machine is uncertain. One thing, however, is not: A growing number of citizens are fed up with the nation’s current leadership for putting party politics before the need of the people to turn this mother out.

“Big government has lost sight of the fact that we should not be divided along Getuplican and Downocratic lines, but should be one nation under a groove, getting down—or up—just for the funk of it,” said Clinton at a recent Mothership rally calling for an end to the deadlock. “The point is not that we must get up or down, but rather that, working together, we’ve got to get over.”

WILLIAMSBURG, VA—In an unprecedented effort to fight injustice, reggae music legend Bob Marley, dead since 1981, rose from his grave in Jamaica early Sunday to free his most devoted followers, American college fraternity members, “from the bonds of oppression.”

Marley plays Fight Night.

Marley’s recordings, which originally raised awareness of the Rastafarian faith and the plight of underprivileged Jamaicans and Africans, have taken on an even deeper meaning as the Greek fraternal system, a maligned, misunderstood minority group itself, has fervently embraced the driving, soulful music.

Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college’s recent campus-wide ban on bonfires.

“I appeared to I fraternity brothers to tell them be strong,” said Marley, standing in front of hundreds of hooting fraternity members. “I say don’t let dean of students, Henry Riegert, fool ya, or even try to school ya. We’ll get that bonfire going in time for da mixer, mon. A fire a man’s own business.”

Marley was referring to Dean Henry Riegert, who recently denied Sigma Nu’s request to host the annual homecoming mixer after their back-to-school party resulted in three severe injuries and two cases of acute alcohol poisoning.

“I songs was about the plight of the brothers and sisters in Jamaica, mon,” Marley said. “But right now, it is the frata mon who need it more. They are standing by I music during they keg party.”

Marley has been touring the country, acting as the voice for America’s fraternities.

“Frata mon’s life is hard,” said Marley during a press conference Monday at Iowa State University’s Acacia fraternity. “Professor, he flunk you all the time. Policeman, he ticket you for the noise. Board of Regents, they make so many rule, try to keep the fraternity music down.”

Marley helps a frat boy release his body from the tyranny of alcohol.

In ongoing meetings with fraternity presidents nationwide, Marley said he has heard accounts of mandatory sensitivity seminars, confiscated fake IDs, citations for public nudity, and unfair public perceptions of fraternity members.

These harrowing stories have inspired Marley to hold a benefit concert Oct. 15 at the Las Olas Open-Air Ampitheater in Cabo San Lucas. All proceeds from the benefit, which could prove the largest gathering of reggae-loving frat members since the Reggae Sunsplash tour in 1997, will go to a legal-defense fund overseen by the North American Interfraternity Conference.

Admission to the concert will be free for any member of the fraternity system wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side or back.

“I is hoping to get as many of I brothers to the concert as I can,” Marley said. “I want them to see that many people may not hear the cries of the oppressively rich white children, but Bob Marley hear them.”

Jason “Boner” Bonham, chapter president of the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity at Tufts University, described Marley’s second coming as “killer.”

“We’re going to Cabo San Lucas!” Bonham said. “The only thing that would be better is if Jim Morrison himself rose from the grave to jam with Bob.”

“Seriously, I’m such a huge fan that I’ve practically worn out my CD copy of Legend. It’s the best fuck music,” Bonham added.

Although Marley will return to his grave after the Cabo San Lucas concert, he said he will rise up occasionally to give impromptu shows in the billiard rooms, arcades, and basements of fraternity houses across the nation.

“Rasta no abide a sad fraternity mon,” Marley said. “I and I will see da brothaman through. These songs of freedom… They all they ever had.”

The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.

Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.

In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.

Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.

NEW YORK—According to data released Monday by the International Registry of Rock Band Names, only seven of the estimated 518 million potential names for musical acts remain available. ”Following the selection of ‘The Stripped Amygdaloids,’ ‘A Purple Spray Of Cloth Violets,’ and ‘Guestowel’ this past weekend, it is essential that new bands pick a name as soon as possible,” read a statement on the organization’s website. “Bands that wish to form after all names have been taken will be have to wait until a name becomes available, which could take anywhere from 10 minutes to 30 years.” While a MySpace page was created late Monday under the title Whiteboard Ether, one of the few band names left, the IRRBN has not yet confirmed whether the group has actually played any gigs.

LONDON—Just days after the discovery of several previously unreleased Beatles recordings in the attic of Abbey Road Studios, fans and critics across the globe have renounced their enthusiasm for the rock and roll band that was once revered by millions. “This unfortunate find has forced music historians to completely reassess the talents of John, Paul, George, and Ringo,” said Beatles scholar Mark Lewisohn, who has dated the tapes to early 1968. “These songs are awful. That one sax solo alone has utterly negated the genius of Magical Mystery Tour and Rubber Soul combined. Certainly this missing link goes a long way toward explaining their solo careers.” In reaction to the discovery, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys has shown dramatic signs of improved mental health.

LOS ANGELES—Although his father, Bob Dylan, is widely considered to be the voice of a generation, Jakob Dylan, lead singer of folk-rock band the Wallflowers, said Monday he remains unconvinced that his father is the family’s most talented songwriter. “I definitely think the verdict is still out,” said Dylan, adding that time will be the ultimate judge of whether he or the elder Dylan will turn out to be more influential. “Sure, by the time Dad was 21, he had already written ‘Blowin’ in the Wind,’ but let’s not forget I’m only 38. I’m still maturing as an artist, and I have a whole notebook of ideas.” Dylan added that he may have caused a greater stir in the music world than his father ever did when he was mercilessly booed for performing an acoustic version of “One Headlight” at Pennsylvania’s Fayette County Fair in 2005.