This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at 2:05 pm
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at 2:05 pm
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at 3:45 pm
We’ve all grown up watching classic movie scenes where a character puts it all on the line with one massive romantic gesture to prove his or her love. No doubt many a little girl has grown up wondering why this kind of thing so rarely happens in real life.
Well, the reason that stuff only works in the movies is because if you sit and think about it, the real-world implications of those seemingly romantic gestures become so unsettling that they start to look about as romantic as an unsolicited boner text.
The premise here is that Drew Barrymore has a brain injury that, every night, wipes out her memory. So, every day, she wakes up having forgotten the previous day.
One day she meets marine biologist Adam Sandler and they hit off, but the next day she immediately forgets him. She therefore has to meet him for the first time the next day, and the next, over and over again. Thus, 50 First Dates.
Or 90 Minutes of Adam Sandler Making Terrible First Impressions.
The happy ending is that Sandler finds a way to make Barrymore love him over the long term. He makes a videotape that recaps the beauty that is their life together — the proposal, their wedding, their daughter’s first steps — and she just watches it every morning to catch up. And he’s even found a way to keep living his dream as a marine biologist, taking his bride out on a yacht on a tour through the Arctic, because for some reason that makes the most sense for a man whose wife suffers from a debilitating mental disorder.
So What’s the Problem?
Just look at this shot from the film, after Barrymore finds herself in the middle of the goddamn ocean:
This happens every fucking morning. The last thing she remembers, she’s a teenager living in Hawaii. She goes to sleep and wakes up on a boat, in the Arctic, with a videotape laying on her bed. Isn’t this how all of the Saw victims wake up?
She then spends every morning reliving her accident and composing herself to meet her husband and daughter, who are complete strangers. And she’s adrift among the polar ice caps, so there’s absolutely nothing familiar anywhere near her. It’s amazing she doesn’t die of shock every morning.
On the plus side, she never has to know about Bulletproof.
And yes, we said “daughter.” They have a kid at some point. Imagine waking up and finding yourself nine months pregnant with a sticky note on the VCR in a stranger’s handwriting that says, “Good Morning, Lucy.” Imagine her terrified confusion every time this strange infant wakes her up crying in the middle of the night. Or any time Barrymore accidentally falls asleep while her daughter is napping. Or, you know, the hilarious night she spent going into labor, completely clueless as to how the hell she got pregnant in the first place. You go to sleep as a care-free teenager, you wake up in labor.
“I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I just freak out and throw you to the sharks.”
Sandler isn’t a heartwarming romantic, he’s a selfish captor who’s trapped a person with a severe mental handicap in a life of responsibilities she can’t possibly keep up with.
After switching places with her father in the Beast’s castle, Belle is subjected to the Beast’s bipolar fits of rage on a regular basis. Gradually she breaks through his bastardly exterior with the help of some talking furniture. She discovers that the Beast is actually a decent guy who cares about her, despite being a giant horned gorilla monster who could rape her into oblivion at any given moment.
His transformation from surly asshole into sensitive guy comes through in a big way when he gives Belle an enormous, beautiful library.
It’s an undeniably tender moment that puts most gifts any other girl has ever received to shame.
So What’s the Problem?
You know where else you can spend all day reading? Prison. Which is exactly where Belle is. Read all you want, as long as you don’t think of leaving to see your family or loved ones ever again.
Remember, she’s being held against her will — she agreed to take her father’s place as the Beast’s prisoner. She had tried to escape once already, but the Beast tracked her down. Sure, he saved her from some wolves in the process, but he’s still her captor. It’s true that after he collapses, she drags him back to the castle to tend his wounds and willingly remains in his possession. But that makes perfect sense if you’ve heard of Stockholm syndrome.
Belle has. She’s read everything.
Hostages, in order to keep from losing their grip on things, have been known to fall in love with the people holding them captive. There are four distinct stages of it, and Belle goes through each one in order:
Stage 1 is the act of being held captive itself. The captive person is held by fear of pain and/or death, and learns that the only way to survive is to be compliant. Belle does this right away and goes to her room without a struggle.
“I could probably do without the talking wardrobe now that I’ll never see my father again.”
Stage 2 is getting to know your captor so you can avoid pissing him off and causing him to harm you. Belle gets pretty familiar with the Beast’s moods and what will set him off, which may seem like she’s getting to know him as a friend, but is really just an innate survival instinct telling her to tread lightly around his monstrous ass so he doesn’t rip her in half in a fit of spectacular rage.
Stage 3 is regarding any act of kindness as a sign that your captor is basically a good person — even if that act of kindness is simply not killing you. The Beast giving Belle a library seems like a wonderful gesture from a sweet guy until you consider the fact that the library was already there. It’s just another room in his house. All he did was open a door and point. So really, it’s no different than “giving” her a bathroom to use, although Belle thinks it’s the grandest thing anyone has ever done for her.
“Hey, here’s the part where I start blaming myself for all the bruises!”
The final stage is when you start thinking of your captor as your friend, and of the people trying to rescue you as your enemies. The guy coming after her (Gaston) is a meatball, to be sure, but he and his mob are basically just trying to rescue Belle from a cruel, kidnapping monster’s mind games.
Aside from the whole forcible marriage thing, he does look arguably badass.
Not that it’s always the guys doing the screwing over in these scenarios …
A Knight’s Tale tells the story of a peasant named William Thatcher (portrayed by the late Heath Ledger) who pretends to be a knight so that he may compete in jousts and earn a living. Through this he meets a noblewoman named Jocelyn and, unsurprisingly, falls in love with her. William vows to win a tournament in Jocelyn’s name, but she then suggests that he should lose the joust to prove that he values her love over his sense of pride, because as we all know a strong relationship is built on demeaning yourself at your partner’s whim.
So What’s the Problem?
This isn’t a high school basketball game or a boxing match from Teen Wolf Too, where “taking a dive” just means putting in zero effort and feigning sadness at the after-game pizza party. This is a fucking joust, where men on horseback gallop toward each other at full speed, trying to knock each other into the air with giant wooden lances.
And while in jousting it wasn’t necessarily the point to cause irreparable damage to your opponent, it absolutely happened — it wasn’t unheard of for people to die while competing, especially if a lance went high and hit someone in the face. And in fact, we the audience are treated to a montage of William being beaten down again and again, to the point where even if it were happening to a crash test dummy we’d feel the need to step in and put an end to it.
It’s highly likely that this onslaught would break a few of William’s ribs. And we know for a fact that it results in a dislocated arm, because we see William’s friends help him pop it back into place with a very painful looking brace.
But it’s all OK, because it’s in a montage with a classic rock anthem.
With the amount of pain that William is going through, you’d hope that the object of his affection would show some kind of sympathy or at least concern, given that he could easily be killed or paralyzed at any time. However, Jocelyn’s reaction to Will’s suffering can best be described as a combination of amusement and arousal. It seriously seems like she gets some sort of girl boner from watching him being injured.
“I do so love how m’lord doth get his ass beaten in.”
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at 8:00 am
Picture by: Unknown
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at 10:00 am
To conservatives, the homosexual community is a dark and terrifying place. Yes, I agree it’s strange that a cat comes back to life if a married couple walks over its grave, but aside from that, they’re regular people, right? These four comics say no.
Warning: The following excerpts contain material written by morons in an attempt to trick the reader into hating homosexuals. Their research is based exclusively on their wildest fears and imaginations and everything they say should be taken as hilarious.
Second Warning: In a shocking turn of events, the latest ill-advised Google searches by Ugandan researchers have revealed that everyone’s homophobia is justified. Gay people eat the poo poo.Brent Rinehart for Oklahoma County Commissioner
by Exploratory Committee to elect Brent Rinehart for Oklahoma County Commissioner District 2, 2008
When Brent Rinehart was accused of felonies involving money laundering and fraud, he did the same thing he does every time he finds a pubic hair in his mouth — he blamed the homosexuals. He tried to clear his name a few years ago by releasing a 16-page comic book that basically said, “Come on, guys. Would a guilty guy hate gay people?” Unfortunately, even in Oklahoma, that logic was lost on most of his county’s voters.
According to Brent, the most insidious side effect of homosexuality is that he gets charged with unrelated felonies. I mean, I’m no finance attorney, but he wouldn’t have had to launder all that money if it hadn’t smelled like gay sex. Brent’s not totally retarded, though. He also knows a lot of his legal troubles are Satan’s fault. It’s an interesting theory because when Satan and sodomites get together, I don’t really picture them putting down that immeasurable number of dildos to investigate illegal campaign financing.
This comic was so batshit insane that if Brent invents a robot that turns hugs into food, his headstone will still say, “BRENT RINEHART – THAT GAY COMIC BOOK DICK. If two or more people are already peeing on this grave, please wait your turn. – Lucky’s Headstones for Dead Assholes.com”
You’ve probably noticed by now that Brent isn’t exactly an academic. That’s twice he spelled pedophiles wrong, in a different way each time. So yes, he might be an idiot. But remember, councilman Rinehart also knows the supernatural nature of evil. He knows that homosexuals are 30-foot beasts wandering the woods in togas. And he knows that every time you spell “pedophiles” correctly, they know exactly where you are. For example, the first time I typed pedophiles, every child molester for 30 miles snapped awake and looked directly at me. The second time, they shrieked. The third time, they took the form of snakes and swirled into the sky. Pedophiles. No! They are coiling together! Pedophiles. Why am I doing this!? Oh god, m-mouths! Everywhere mouths! Pedophiles. Their monstrous form — it’s now immune to all weapons! Pedophiles. NOOOOO!!!!
Honestly, I don’t get the controversy over gay men being boy scout leaders. Straight men seem to be the weird ones when it comes to little kids. For instance, every Halloween I sleep with at least one woman dressed as a sexy girl scout. It doesn’t even enter my head not to, yet I’ve never seen a gay man go after someone in a sexy boy scout costume. And it hurts my feelings every year.
Let’s get real for a second. If a guy’s definition of “guts” is voting on legislature that bans homosexual banners from city properties, he’s only jealous of gay men because they get more pussy than him. Readers, I hope you remember seventh grade science, because Brent Rinehart’s dick is so small that when molecules near the edge of it form ionic bonds, he loses half his girth. His dick is so small that technically it’s his kidney stones that are passing him. If you put Brent Rinehart in a wet paper bag, he would die there and a disinterested janitor would wonder what sick fuck made a sack lunch out of a cow vagina.
Brent knows there are only two ways to prevent pedafeelia. One, as Brent has already done, is to just accuse every gay person of petaphilia. Then the ones who are will go, “Curses! How did you know!?” Ha. Busted, pedephaile. The second is to train school children until they can flee like the wind. Notice how in Brent’s world, the terrified children are running from homosexuals even during conversations about how pleasant they found their county commissioner. Also notice how much more sense the comic makes when I change the words:
I’m not sure if Brent really does understand the plights of everyday people if his idea of plights is two retarded children colliding over a soccer ball. Rinehart seems to think children only have one response to every situation: charge towards it. I’m starting to worry that they’re not going to survive to the end of this comic.
Strangely, in the middle of his anti-gay comic, Brent stops to attack the sheriff’s department. Rinehart seems to really hate Sheriff Whetsel for wanting to build a larger prison. Why? Because when an idiot is accused of multiple felonies, it only makes sense for him to piss off the people who might soon put him behind bars.
And maybe I’m being overly critical of this future rape victim’s comic-writing abilities, but look at the way he depicts Sheriff Whetsel. The man hired a gladiator as a prison guard, wants a bomb truck and never stops dancing. The only thing this comic did was make me absolutely certain that Sheriff Whetsel is fucking awesome.
I take no pleasure from this, but I was right about the children not surviving. That little girl is a corpse being held up by its hair. I don’t know if this was some kind of metaphor or if the comic just suddenly turned into an action-comedy remake of Weekend at Bernie’s starring Hulk Hogan and Butthead. Brent Rinehart clearly has some demons he’s working out.
This comic didn’t do anything except make the accused money launderer look like an asshole, though this could all be a big misunderstanding. After all, he told CNN that he’s “not even sure as to what homophobic means.” But whether or not he’s afraid of gays, a couple years later Rinehart, admitted that he was guilty. Which means … wait, there was no gay conspiracy to destroy you, Brent? You’re just a criminal? Then that means you lost a fight against homosexuals who didn’t even exist. For a homophobic man, that’s got to sting. I know Brent doesn’t understand what that means, so I want to be clear: I’m calling Brent Rinehart a pussy. Let the record show that Brent Rinehart is such a pussy that he has to eat with a cardboard applicator. WebMD uses his face as clip art for diagnosing a yeast infection.
To read Brent’s full comic, go here.Born that Way: The Truth About Homosexuality
by Tim Todd, 2004
This comic was made to teach people about the sin of homosexuality in a loving, nurturing way. And what better place to start an even-handed discussion about gay issues than a protest rally where skinheads are facing off against gays? In this story, a Latino family has decided to attend the rally, only on opposing sides.
As you can see, Born That Way makes an effort to show that not caring that a person is a homosexual and trying to kill that homosexual are two sides of the same very wrong coin. The real solution is something else. If you don’t want the ending spoiled skip over this next word: Jesus. While you sleep, spiders crawl inside your mouth to hold wet fart contests. Sorry, reader, but you should have known no good would come of skipping the word Jesus.
I thought it was strange that the phrase, “Santo! Stop calling them names and get DOWN here — NOW!!” was a Biblical quote, so I looked it up. The original was, “Sensible people foresee trouble and hide. Gullible people go ahead and suffer.” It seems crazy that God meant for that to be taken as, “Stop fucking with the lesbians,” but I guess it seems crazier that He wouldn’t see it coming. But not even God saw this coming:
While they’re hiding in a drainage pipe from the lesbians trying to kill them, Santo’s little brother comes out of the closet. And while I appreciate the attempt at adding some drama to another tired story about a Chicano skinhead taking his hippie sister and gay little brother to a lesbian marriage rally, I have to wonder about the sanity of the comic creators. This is madness. And no offense to our 11-year-old readers, but nothing says, “I’m secretly gay,” like heavy anime influences in your artwork.
Hold the fuck on. There is no damn way that “There’s no time for your — AAARRHHH!” is anything close to what Proverbs 22:8 says. Was this quoted from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s audio book of the Bible?
Let me find the original. OK, here it is: “He who sows wickedness reAIIIEEEEEEEE!!!” I … I guess I stand corrected.
I don’t trust this comic’s Bible quotes anymore. I know that if I look up Ephesians 4:17-19 it’s not going to say anything about the liberal media promoting gay tolerance. And sure enough, I was right.
Ephesians 4:17 says, “And the dwarf catcher did say unto Abraham, ‘Dwarves!!! Too many dwaGRAAAAHHHH!‘” and the next two verses are just God telling them to “Get him!” If this comic has taught me anything, it’s that Bible verses say whatever the hell I want (Ecclesiastes 1:17).
Speaking of this comic, here’s where we finally get to its real agenda: retraining gays to be regulars. As you can see here, anti-gay training is so powerful that it will even replace your paramedic training. Unless it’s standard procedure to talk to a boy about your gay sex life before you’ve stabilized his brother’s head wound. It might be, because now that I think about it, I did have to make out with a boy mannequin to get certified in CPR.
Gay people, there were so many violent liberties taken with the word of God in this comic that I wouldn’t trust these people with something as delicate as your genitals. Once you’re gay, stay there and enjoy it. Not because of some cranky lunatic’s idea of right or wrong, but because being a former gay is the gayest kind of gay.
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–Timothy McVeigh’s death by lethal injection Monday has made everything perfect in Oklahoma City, his 168 victims’ loved ones describing themselves as feeling “100 percent better.” “I just know my baby girl is up there in heaven, smiling down on this execution, happy as can be,” said a beaming George Browne, whose 7-year-old daughter Brianna died in the 1995 federal-building blast. “Her death is avenged, and everything’s great.” Said Oklahoma City schoolteacher Sherrie Olsacher, 37, who was blinded in the bombing: “You can’t imagine how healing this is. My eyesight’s even returned.” Moments after McVeigh was pronounced dead, 168 white doves were seen soaring over the city, racing toward a suddenly cloudless horizon that beckoned the dawn of a glorious new day.
Submitted by: Unknown
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at 2:00 am
Submitted by: Dillon
Picture by: tosh.0
This fail picture or video was posted on Sunday, July 3rd, 2011 at 4:00 am
Picture by: Unknown
This fail picture or video was posted on Saturday, July 2nd, 2011 at 8:30 pm