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This fail picture or video was posted on Saturday, July 2nd, 2011 at 10:00 am

TULSA, OK—Over the course of its 24-year history, Kilty’s Kourt, a Tulsa-area trailer park, has shattered no stereotypes, causing no one to rethink any preconceptions about its coarse, poorly educated residents.

The non-stereotype-defying Kilty’s Kourt trailer park in Tulsa, OK.

“Very often, one forms a set of preconceived notions about a type of person based on generalizations, but then a closer examination of the individuals within the situation allows one to look beyond these stereotypes,” said University of Oklahoma sociologist Dr. Terry Atkins, who recently completed an in-depth three-year study of the trailer park. “Such is not the case here, though: Kilty’s Kourt is pretty much a depressing, disgusting place filled with total losers.”

Atkins had intended the study to challenge unfair, negative images of mobile-home dwellers by collecting statistical data that contradicts commonly held misconceptions. The professor’s findings, however, only affirmed popular conceptions, with unemployment, sexual promiscuity and lack of education the norm among residents.

Affirming widely held assumptions about trailer parks, Kilty’s Kourt is little more than a muddy field filled with mobile homes in various states of disrepair. The blighted park is littered with rusted cars up on blocks, half-attached screen doors, makeshift clotheslines with laundry hanging untouched for weeks, and toppled TV antennas.

Nor do the park’s inhabitants—obese women who take notice of their filthy, pantsless children only long enough to scream at them; skinny, shirtless men who stink of McCormick vodka most of the day; a cadre of Ku Klux Klan sympathizers; and a sprinkling of clinically insane veterans—shatter any myths.

“Based on all the stories I’d heard about trailer-park types, I expected to see the lowest of the low, people I wouldn’t even want to look at, much less talk to,” Atkins said. “I pretty much hit the nail right on the head.”

Atkins said he had also hoped that the study would give him a greater understanding of those who occupy a lower socioeconomic strata than himself, and vice-versa.

“This project, in theory, afforded an upper-middle-class academic like myself the opportunity to build bridges with those of a culturally dissimilar background, enabling both me and them to gain a greater understanding and appreciation of the other’s unique perspectives and experiences,” he said. “Nope. Didn’t happen. I did, however, have a lot of empty bottles thrown at me through missing windows.”

On his final day at Kilty’s Kourt, Atkins was called “a fucking dead man” by one barefoot resident, threatened with a swinging hair dryer, and warned that he had “better stay away from White Jimmy’s bitch.”

“They live like pigs,” Atkins said. “Foul-mouthed, degenerate pigs.”

Members of the Tulsa Police Department may know Kilty’s Kourt best of all, as they are called to the four-block area 20 to 30 times a week.

“Just because a person isn’t made of money doesn’t mean they can’t live their life with self-respect, gaining satisfaction and joy from simple things like the smile on a child’s face, the beauty of a song, or the love of neighbors and friends,” Tulsa police officer Joseph Lindgren said. “Unfortunately, no one like that lives in this place.”

“I once heard this joke about a white-trash mother, something about her four-year-old still breast-feeding,” Lindgren continued. “I thought, ‘That so-called ‘humor’ is just an offensive, discriminatory stereotype.’ That was before I met Rhonda in 22.”

The most common charges, which Lindgren called “more or less right in line with what everyone would expect from people in a place like this,” are drunken and disorderly conduct, wife battery, drug possession, illegal possession of a firearm and child neglect.

“Just last night, the woman in 32 hit the guy in 18 over the head with a shovel and knocked him clean out,” Lindgren said. “We had to haul both of them in.”

“What a shithole,” he added.

BISMARCK, ND–According to the latest issue of U.S. News World Report, for the 27th straight year, North Dakota leads the nation in parking availability. “Once again, the Peace Garden State comes out on top,” Gov. Edward Schafer said. “Whether you’re visiting Lawrence Welk’s birthplace, the Victorian Dress Museum, or the Ft. Union Trading Post, you’re guaranteed a great parking spot right out front.” Schafer added that less than 1 percent of the state’s parking spaces are metered.

WASHINGTON, DC—Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne announced yesterday that, in order to deal with a growing population that just passed 300 million, the U.S. will reopen the immense, barren region known as South Dakota for the first time since it was shuttered in 1931. “Though no human being has stepped foot on that desolate soil for the better part of a century, we believe it is the best option for addressing the overcrowding we see in the country’s habitable states,” Kempthorne said. “The great, uncharted territory of South Dakota is henceforth open, with plenty of space for anyone who wants it—anyone at all.” According to Kempthorne, if national population continues to grow at this rate, his agency may consider lifting the federal ban on non-Mormon residents in Utah.

SAWTOOTH NATIONAL FOREST, ID–The rugged natural beauty of Idaho’s Sawtooth National Forest was thoroughly enjoyed by logger Steve Orton Monday.

Logger Steve Orton takes in the breathtaking majesty of Sawtooth National Forest.

“This sure is beautiful country,” said Orton, admiring the lush foliage surrounding him in most directions. “Just smell that fresh air.”

An employee of the Northwestern Logging Company, Orton was dispatched as part of a team of 350 loggers to Sawtooth last Thursday after the company outbid dozens of competitors for a lucrative government contract.

“I could never work all cooped up in an office,” said Orton, placing his coffee mug on a stump grinder, a three-ton machine used to pulverize tree stumps into sawdust. “I only feel at home when I’m surrounded by nature in all her magnificent splendor.”

One of the largest national forests in the U.S., the 2.1 million-acre Sawtooth boasts an astonishing variety of terrain, from wildflower-covered meadows to towering mountain peaks. With many areas only accessible by helicopter, Sawtooth is considered one of the most pristine old-growth forests in America.

“I’ve been a logger all my life,” Orton said. “I’ve worked in a lot of areas, but this is definitely one of the most awe-inspiring. It was so beautiful and untouched, it was almost like we were the first people to set foot here. I know that’s not true because people used to camp out here, but they cleaned up after themselves so well, you’d never know it.”

Orton, a self-proclaimed “nature lover and all-around outdoorsman,” reported that the first tree they felled was especially impressive.

“For some reason, we decided to start with this enormous western hemlock,” said Orton, motioning to what is now a 15-foot-wide stump. “During a break, Wally [Dassle] decided to count the rings and there were 160 of them, which means that tree had been here since 1841. Just think about all the history that’s happened since that tree was a sapling.”

In addition to admiring the trees, Orton said he has “a real soft spot” for the local wildlife.

“You wouldn’t believe how many elk we saw over there,” said Orton, pointing to what is now a pockmarked, heavily eroded field. “Every morning, before we started work, one or two would come out of the trees into the clearing to say hello.”

A section of forest that Orton said “was absolutely awe-inspiring.”

“Most days, we see animals while we’re setting up camp, but after we begin we don’t see them anymore,” said Orton while filling the gas tank on a professional-grade chainsaw. “I keep forgetting to take a camera with me to snap some shots.”

For nearly a week, Orton has been working on clearing 1,200 acres of the Sawtooth National Forest, with the lumber to be turned into 2x4s or presswood.

“This is an incredible area,” said Orton, patting the bark of a Sitka Spruce. “Sometimes, when we’re on break and everything’s quiet, the rustling of the remaining foliage almost seems to be talking to me.”

Orton said that even though he and the other loggers are working, they have set aside time for fun.

“When we first got out here, we’d fish during our lunch break,” Orton said. “Russ [Keely] caught a 30-pound Steelhead, and we all got pretty excited. We haven’t been able to fish the last few days, what with the logs and all, but it sure was fun while the river was still clear.”

With the logging project scheduled for completion March 4, Orton is determined to enjoy his remaining time in the forest.

“Russ and I talked about seeing who can scale that huge one over there the fastest,” said Orton, pointing to a 100-foot-tall spruce. “We’ll have to do it soon, though, because we’re taking it out right after lunch tomorrow.”

CARSON CITY, NV—The Nevada legislature voted Monday to repeal all laws within the state and prohibit the proposal of any new laws.

Nevada Gov. Kenny Guinn in his office

“Laws have been good to the state of Nevada,” said Gov. Kenny Guinn between swigs of Jim Beam. “But ultimately, after carefully considering what’s best for the long-term economic growth and prosperity of the state, we decided that lawfulness just wasn’t a good idea.”

Nevada’s laws, Guinn said, will be slowly phased out over a five-year period, easing residents into a state of total anarchy. Gambling and prostitution have already been decriminalized, and car theft is slated to follow in 2004. Bans on murder and rape will be lifted in 2007.

Though the elimination of the rule of law has been a topic of discussion in Carson City for some time, it only recently gained favor among a majority of state legislators.

“Critics always argued that if we allowed gambling and prostitution, it was just a short leap to lawlessness,” said Senate Majority Leader William Raggio (R-Washoe), flanked by a pair of armed strippers. “It didn’t sink in for a while, but we eventually just sort of looked at each other and said, ‘Why not?’ Without laws, Nevada could offer a whole range of entertainment and lifestyle options never before imagined.”

As a result of the eradication of laws, more than 20,000 police officers and other law-enforcement officials stand to lose their jobs. The loss should be offset, however, with the creation of jobs in new fields.

“Nothing stimulates employment like lawlessness,” Raggio said. “We estimate that this move will create more than 400,000 jobs in such newly legal professions as prizefight rigger, ticket scalper, drug runner, bribe coordinator, and arsonist. In the construction industry alone, some 20,000 workers will be needed to build whorehouses and install stripper poles in fast-food restaurants.”

Greg Bidwill eats lunch at a Taco Bell just outside Reno.

Though Monday’s decision eliminates the need for them, Nevada’s lawmakers will retain their jobs.

“The people of Nevada can rest assured that their state senators and assemblymen will still be taking care of their needs, be they sex, drugs, or a quick C-note to lay down on the Lakers plus six,” Guinn said. “As for Nevada’s elected officials in Washington, they’ll still be in Congress. But, to be honest, they won’t be doing a heck of a lot. They’ll mainly just be hanging out, seeing what the other states are up to.”

Guinn “highly recommended” that Nevada residents buy a gun and learn how to use it if they plan to remain in the state beyond Dec. 31, when all gun-purchasing and gun-use regulations are repealed.

“When the clock strikes midnight on Jan. 1, 2003, it’s survival of the fittest,” Guinn said. “My lovely wife Dema can already pick off tin cans from 50 feet, and my son is becoming highly proficient in explosives. I strongly suggest you all do likewise.”

Reaction from Nevada’s residents has been largely positive.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment for 20 years,” said Reno blackjack dealer Dale Everson, polishing his new machete while enjoying a lapdance. “Pretty soon, I won’t have to worry about speeding tickets or emissions tests. Only the common sense and inherent decency of the people of Nevada will govern this state. That’ll be more than enough for me.”

ELKO, NV—Crowds braved 95-degree heat and throngs of protestors to attend the opening of the Greater Nevada XXX Dinosaur Park Monday, a new adults-only attraction that bills itself as “The Place Where The Extinct Sink The Pink.” “You’ve seen their bones—now see them boning! Triceratops and Bottoms!” according to a television ad for the park currently running after 10 p.m. throughout Nevada and Southern California. Proprietors, who have dubbed the park “Salacious In The Cretaceous,” say that visitors “will never think of dinosaurs as cold-blooded again.” Paleontologists are calling the park sensationalist and exploitative, but add that anything that gets people interested in science can’t be all bad.