Archive for June 27th, 2011
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This fail picture or video was posted on Monday, June 27th, 2011 at 3:00 pm
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Tens of millions of adults spend all their free time in fictional worlds that are full of more tedious work and assholes than most real-life jobs. Combining Internet anonymity with people who have absurd amounts of free time, massive multiplayer online role-playing Gamers (MMORPG)are a better guarantee of asshole-ry than a digestive system, and yield uglier results. But there are some spectacular douche bags who have put more work into screwing with strangers than should be humanly possible.
EVE Online‘s universe consists of 350,000 active subscribers piloting customizable space craft around 7,500 solar systems. Putting that many people in space with lasers might sound like an open horizon to awesome, but the players who hang out there created a fully functional free market economy that ends up feeling more like space accountancy. The ad may look like this …
… but it doesn’t tell you that you have to pay for those lasers. To do that, a lot of game play involves your screen looking more like this …
As with the real-world economy, making a profit in the world of EVE Online is easier if you form corporations. While many spend years working together for mutual gain, others behave a lot like corporations do in the real world. Or at least how they would if they operated in a universe where murder is legal.
For instance, the Guiding Hand Social Club assassinates people for profit and steals their stuff for bonuses. In one instance, they were hired to destroy “Mirial,” the CEO of Ubiqua Seraph corporation. While many EVE Online players literally grind rocks for hours to make a profit, the GHSC use the assignment to show everyone what Ocean’s Eleven would have been like if it took place in the Star Wars universe. No one has had so much more fun than everyone else playing a game since Michael Jackson suggested Junior Twister.
First, they got jobs with the target corporation and worked their way up the ranks. The primary assassin became second in command of the entire firm because the background checks for imaginary space pilots aren’t very good.
Then, after a year of real-time play, they struck harder than Keyser Soze in that one flashback scene where he’s played by Fabio. They killed Mirial, emptied the corp’s accounts and hangars, stole everything that wasn’t bolted down and blew up everything that was, then killed Mirial again because EVE is specifically programmed to let you kill people twice. The first time gives you all the XP and valuable wreckage, but allows the murdered player to escape in a pod. The second does nothing but shout, “Screw You!” with murder (which is admittedly the best way to do that).
Mirial was in a Navy Apocalypse at the time, which is basically EVE Online‘s equivalent of the Death Star.
And really, anyone who manages to get killed in one of those deserves it at least twice.
They scooped up the virtually vacuum-frozen corpse for delivery to a client who had paid the equivalent of 500 real dollars for the hit. Which pales next to the $16,500 (again, real-world money) worth of items destroyed or stolen in the raid. Also, holy shit, people are paying to assassinate hated video game characters now.
Everyone who doesn’t use Akuma is already saving up.
In 2005, Blizzard added a new boss with a hit-point draining spell that effected anyone standing directly next to him. Since stepping to the boss meant you were probably about to die anyway, they saw no harm in making the spell contagious. The only explanation is that Blizzard had never been on the Internet, and therefore had no clue that basic humanity transforms from “Don’t share this poop-filled video with anyone because it’s horrible” to “THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC I MUST SHARE IT WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE!” Players soon worked out how to teleport the plague out of the dungeon and into the real (fake) world. An MMORPG pandemic was born.
One that resulted in more unconvincing skeletons than Jason and the Argonauts.
The hit-points it took away were enough to instantly-kill low level players, so high-level players immediately started teleporting around the map as much as possible. Because if there’s one thing World of Warcraft players hate more than people who don’t play, it’s people who do play but not as much as them. The Breakfast Hen has more respect for its young than online gaming culture, and it’s an imaginary bird which lays eggs directly onto a frying pan.
The plague killed new players, old players; it even infected non-player characters who couldn’t get sick but acted as carriers — so talking to an innkeeper about killing 10 wolves could infect and kill you. But after your 20th “Lo, noble warrior, kill exactly 10 pests for me like an OCD Orkin man,” that was probably a relief.
“Nah, I think I’ll just lay down and accept my fate, thanks.
It was also revealing: In a game where people can be heroic knights or masterful mages, many leaped at the chance to become Terrorist Tyhpoid Mary. A small Taliban like force of plague-carriers actively fought Blizzard while hiding in the mountains, breaking quarantines and even incubating the plague through server-purges by infecting their own virtual pets then re-infecting themselves. They forced Blizzard into hard server resets, nuking and reinstalling their entire world. It was douchebaggery on measurable scientific and national security scales: Real-life scientists and bioterrorism experts now study it as a case example. Presumably before drinking themselves into unconsciousness when they realize they’re protecting a species that commits bio-terror in order to destroy worlds they hang out in for fun.
Long live Bonersling420.
You’re playing a game where you kill things. What do you do with a giant dragon that kills things, can only be woken by killing four smaller dragons first and is now trying to kill you? If you said “kill it” you just surprised the hell out of Sony who, to be fair, have never claimed they weren’t wearing human-skin suits while studying these Earth things called “game-ers.” Kerafyrm the Sleeper was EverQuest‘s dragon-equivalent of Sauron, if Sauron drove the Death Star to work. It had a hundred times as many hit points as any other boss, was immune to most damage, had two spammable instant-kill attacks because screw you and didn’t work right because it was online and programmed by Sony.
Waking it created Kerafym the Awakened, also known as “Kerafym the Ran Away From” and “Kerafym the Cripes That’s Big.”
It forced the three top guilds to co-operate, which makes herding cats look easier than getting Bollywood extras to move in step. It was Sesame Street by way of Lord of the Rings, specifically the end of the third movie, since for over three hours, 180 players turned themselves into a Sisyphean Zerg horde. Resurrecting each other faster than the monster could kill them, they put in Herculean feats of teamwork that cruelly mocked the concept of “fun.” They fought like warrior poets, they fought like Scotsmen and eventually ground the boss down to 22 percent health — at which point Sony turned the whole thing off and acted like it was the players’ fault. So if you’re wondering how they can keep the PlayStation Network off for a week and act like that’s fine, it’s because they’ve been practicing.
They took their ball and went home, where their ball was a giant harbinger of doom and the focus of the entire game.
Showing less regard for their users than an Iron Maiden, they released a rubbish (and later disproven) excuse about how Kerafyrm’s programming had been distracted by an NPC — and you’ll notice how even their own excuse is based on their incompetence — before simply apologizing and resetting the entire event, telling players to try again. It was like Lucy tricking Charlie Brown if Lucy was making millions of dollars making Charlie Brown miss, and if it took three man-weeks to run up to the football.
A Horde guild proved a lot of the good things people say about online relationships by holding a respectful in-game funeral for a friend who had died in real life, and an Alliance guild, Serenity Now, proved everything else they say by massacring everyone present. As dick moves go, it’s effective and tactical: Everyone’s clustered together, no one’s expecting to fight and you’ve got one less target than normal.
Any virtual conga line is pretty sad, but this was the saddest.
Proving that the only reason the Internet still exists is because it’s not possible to kill other people through computer screens, most people familiar with WoW culture sort of shrugged, and said, “Yeah, they sort of had it coming.” The targets were holding their funeral on a PvP (Player-versus-Player) server. The victims could have mourned their friend somewhere besides the middle of the battle field, but instead, they mourned a real tragedy to demand special treatment. This was the closest the Internet gets to real war after all, and you don’t see soldiers mourning their dead in the middle of the battle field.
“Time out, Jimmy’s hurt!”
Actually, it turns out real-world soldiers even show more respect for the dead than WoW players. Yes, it was stupid of them to give out their location and advise people they wouldn’t be ready to fight without first getting confirmation that everyone was on board with the ceasefire. Yes, they should have known that relying on mutual respect online is like relying on body armor made of beefsteak in a lion enclosure. But if the German and British soldiers managed to hold off on avenging real deaths for an entire week during WWI, we have a tough time siding with the guys who couldn’t hold off for an hour in a fake online world.
But these guilds really did not get along, you guys.
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It’s hard being a protagonist. You make countless sacrifices, battle through countless levels, die countless deaths, and for all your hard work, you’re still never going to be as cool as the villain. It’s surprising how few goody-two-shoes ever make the transition to bad guy status and take advantage of its perks: cooler costume, army of minions, a chill flying death fortress to hang out in while those sucker heroes come to you.
But when they do, it’s always a big event. We’re talking about genuine good guys (playable protagonists) that somehow end up on the opposing side (antagonists that need to be taken down). Here’s our list of the 8 greatest heroes-turned-villains in videogame history.
8. Alex Mercer (Good Guy: Prototype; Bad Guy: Prototype 2)
To be fair, whether or not Alex was ever “a good guy” is up for debate. He spends most of Prototype slicing dicing anyone who has the misfortune to wander onscreen, and the rest of his time is occupied by learning new freakish nightmare powers in order to craft himself into a more efficient murder engine. Is it wrong to feel sorry for the enemies in a game? I’m hesitant to ask, because it feels like if Alex could reach out of the TV screen and kill the player, he would (I hear Radical Entertainment is working on that tech for the sequel). I wouldn’t be surprised if the original idea for this game had you controlling the US military and was called The Story of the Horrible Monster No One Could Stop And Who Ate Everyone The End.
However, in the gap between developing Prototype and starting work on the sequel, apparently one Radical employee took a look at this walking wall of fleshy horrorblades and said “Hey, our hero looks way more like a Silent Hill villain than a protagonist. Let’s just run with that angle.” In Prototype 2, you’ll be playing as a new character, a war veteran whose his wife child were killed by Alex’s rampage in the first game. Your new goal is the execution of your former main character. The working title? Prototype 2: You Deserve This.
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Almost every culture has some kind of rite of passage. Obnoxious, privileged rich girls throw lavish Sweet Sixteen parties (and apparently get simultaneous TV deals), Native American tribes send their young out in the wilderness to wait until nature speaks directly to them. It’s a way to mark the transition from child to man. Or in my case, manchild. These are some of our video game vision quests.
Leisure Suit Larry
I can’t recall exactly when Larry Laffer confidently strolled into my life. But I do remember that my father always told me to “scram and while you’re at it, get me another RC Cola” whenever he launched the randy PC adventure game.
But what was he cackling about? What was so damn funny? After what seemed like eons, I waited until he was asleep to slip away to the family den and boot up DOS as quietly as I could.
Unfortunately, it would take many failed attempts before I could crack Al Lowe’s cryptic “Prove Your Age” questions. But when I finally did (by sheer chance), the vault was finally opened to the raunchy, perverted jokes that would make a ventriloquist dummy blush.
Following Larry in his saucy adventures made me feel like a grownup. A real man. Unfortunately, this euphoric feeling ended abruptly when I reached a point in the game where I had to order up a bottle of wine to the hotel room, but didn’t know how to spell “suite” correctly.
Thanks to the demise of text-based adventure games, I won’t make that mistake again.
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It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 8 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!
At the end of the spring semester, we did the class of 2011 jersey orders on GoogleDocs where everyone who wanted one put their name and their size onto the document. I kept changing the fat girl’s size to XL because she put her size as M. Well, I ordered a M as well, and when I got it, I realized I did her a service because there was no way in hell she could fit into a medium jersey. You’re welcome.
Jay L. from Duke
I deleted all the songs on my roomate’s iPod and replaced them all with Rebecca Black’s Friday. Just cuz.
My two roommates decided to be jerks one day while I was in the shower. When I stepped out of the bathroom I was barely able to notice the vaseline on the tile floor in time. I stepped over it and steadied myself on the counter and noticed that they had put vaseline on that too so if I slipped and fell I wouldn’t be able to catch myself. I heard them giggling in their room so I went back into the bathroom and decided that I needed to rescrub my buttcrack and a washcloth just wouldn’t do. So I used their toothbrushes. After removing any trace hairs from the bristles I put them back. That was 9 years ago. The funny part is that these two guys are gonna be groomsmen in my wedding in two months.
Andy C. from DASOTA
I stole over $1000 from my roommates drug dealer boyfriend, and our third roommate was blamed. They never even suspected me. Didn’t feel bad about it because the guy who got blamed dated my ex-girlfriend, had her move into our house, dropped out of school and spent all day cooking and having sex, all while not paying rent. Justice.
My roommate had a little trouble with stealing and grand larceny from work and his probation stated that he couldn’t drink or do drugs. After he lost his next job, he would have a party every night, and even got a warning from the police for the noise. Around finals time, he refused to go out to a bar or another party, turn down the music, and not invite everyone in the world over. I was too tired to argue with him, so I called a noise complaint. He got fined and the citation noted that he was intoxicated. Two days later, his probation officer and a cop came over and he got arrested for breaking the terms of his probation. He also failed the drug test and got 3 Months. Then my landlord felt bad for me, and didn’t make me cover his half of the rent. 2 Bedroom apartment was mine for the summer.
Anonymous from UAlbany
At first, I tried to get along with my roommate. I would ignore the fact that she talked on the phone with her boyfriend on the phone for 2-4 hours every night, she was crazy OCD and her mood swings could give people whiplash. During finals week, I was always out studying or working but I kept getting calls from her to come back and clean the room. The only things I had “out of place” were the clean clothes on my bed. I had enough of her nagging so I replaced her expensive face creams and washes with dollar store soap and lotion, put heavy cream in her soymilk (lactose intolerant) and made “moth holes” in all her silk, cashmere and wool clothes. She ended up moving out five days early. I ended up putting the beds together to make an awesome trampoline bed :] Basically, don’t mess.
My roommate is my best friend. But a HUGE hypocrite. He loves to tell girls how healthy he eats, and that he doesn’t eat pork, or beef. Doesn’t use butter. Takes all these vitamins, and works out regularly. And basically just how healthy he is. Also he Never buys food except for khashi pizza. And he will buy one and eat the whole thing. If he happens to bring leftovers home, he asks me not to eat them. I grocery shop all the time because i cook all the time. And he eats EVERYTHING I BUY. He will go down in the middle of the night and binge and eat all my leftovers. Doesn’t matter what kind of meat is in it, or how much butter i used, he eats it ALL. And he eats everything else i put in the pantry or fridge. Chips, Cookies. Shit, even a can of spaghetti o’s i had in there for when i watch my niece, as she will sometimes want them. And i got fed up with it. So i purchased a mini fridge which i keep in my bedroom. When i cook i take half the leftovers and put them in My mini fridge. And for the past month all the leftovers in the kitchen i have been adding weight gainer powder to. And not a small amount. I purchased the flavorless powder and i mix it into everything. I will even buy things at the grocery store now that i dont want to eat, but i know he will scarf when no one is around. So i add weight gainer to that and leave it in the fridge. So far he has gained 15-20lbs. And it is all in his gut. And he wont admit to eating all the food i buy all the time. He says one of our friends was over and must have ate it. Not so much buddy. Keep eating everything and not chipping in on the grocery’s, and i will keep assisting you gain weight. Its now summer and he NEVER takes off his shirt when we go to the lake or beach because he is embarrassed of his gut. The girl whom he started hooking up with says he has sex with a t-shirt on. Revenge is SWEET.
One day I walked into my apartment and found my roommate wearing my pants that I hung up in the bathroom. He wore it for 2 days straight. I didn’t say anything. Why? ‘Cause the day before I got more messed up than I’ve ever been in my entire life and on my way home I couldn’t hold in my poop (ate 4 crunchwrap supreme from Taco Bell). And yes, I did number 2 in my pants. That’s why it was in the bathroom and I was planning to get rid of it before you decided to wear it. So no, it wasn’t just you that was smelling shit and no you didn’t step in dog poop. You wore my pants that was covered in shit.
R F from SUNY Cortland
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NEW ENGLAND—”They’ve been giving us the runaround on this money for a long time now, so we had no choice,” said Victor Migliore of the Bayonne, NJ-based collection agency. “We mailed them four warnings and called the Capitol and White House at least 10 times each, but they just ignored us. Maybe now they’ll finally realize we’re not fooling around about that $5,498,415,904,232.05 they owe.”
“Make that $5,498,417,034,983.87,” added Migliore, recalculating the growing debt after a two-second pause.
At 9 a.m., fences and highway barriers were placed across the border separating New York from Vermont, Massachusetts and Connecticut by professional “repo” men in the employ of G. Schmidt Collection Agency. Under the terms of the repossession, New England’s 13 million residents have been given seven days to vacate the region or face criminal-trespassing charges. No citizen will be permitted to re-enter New England “until the entire debt is repayed or a mutually satisfactory repayment schedule has been agreed upon.” Tolls collected on the Massachusetts Turnpike during the exodus will go toward payment of the debt, but experts say such funds are unlikely to exceed $20 million.
“The United States is certainly not acting like a country that is serious about settling its account with us,” Migliore said. “Last Wednesday, I asked them for the money, and they said they didn’t have it yet. The next day, I read in the paper that they just bought a brand-new $350 million Stealth fighter. How does that make them look? Not very good, that’s for sure.”
“What’s worse, I recently learned from an associate that the U.S. has a budget surplus, but has chosen not to put any of it toward repaying us,” Migliore said. “That definitely does not make me happy.”
If the national debt, which is increasing at a rate of $267 million per day, is not paid off by June 1, G. Schmidt will begin seizing more property, beginning with Florida.
“We’ll just keep repossessing land until we get our money,” G. Schmidt president Raymond Swartz said. “Eventually, they’ll come around.”
Swartz said his firm is well within its rights to seize New England, but noted that it is committed to helping the U.S. get through its current financial troubles. “We could have seized even more valuable and revenue-generating property, such as New York,” he said. “But we want to give the U.S. a chance to get back on its feet again.”
America’s creditors said they are eager to see the long-owed money collected at last.
“Back in 1992, I lent the U.S. $85 million to buy concrete for some highway they were expanding in Texas,” Japanese banker Hideki Matsuda said. “They wrote me an IOU and swore up and down that they’d pay me back by 1996. Well, I still haven’t seen my money.”
“If the U.S. ever tries to borrow $500 million from you, never, ever say yes, no matter how much they beg or how much they swear they’re good for the cash,” said Bundesbank president Günter Krupp, who in 1994 approved just such a loan. “I learned that the hard way.”