After a week of meritorious writing, reporting, and public service from America’s Finest News Source, the hard-working men and women at The Onion provide a concise multimedia roundup for the witless apes who award the Pulitzer Prize.
What Are We Lying To Our Children About?
What Are We Yelling At Our Children’s Graduation?
Superhero Movies In Development
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Who Did We Forget To Invite?
What Are We Drawing Strength From?
Yes, readers, you have read the above headline correctly. This is no hoax. For too long, The Onion has been cruelly deprived of the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves, and now the thought of such an injustice being committed yet again fills me with a deep and insatiable thirst for violence. Which is why if The Onion is not awarded a Pulitzer Prize within the next calendar year, so help me God, I WILL SAVAGELY MURDER 50 INNOCENT SOULS, and the Pulitzer Board’s hands shall be soaked in blood instead of jammed down Arthur Sulzberger, Jr.’s underpants the way they usually are.
You think I’m bluffing? Ha! Try me, Pulitzer Board. Try me and see what carnage shall come of your pride and pigheadedness.
Here are the demands I’m making of the glad-handing swine who award the Pulitzers every year:
- 1. Review all of the country’s journalistic content for the year, not just the obvious slop from the Los Angeles Times that you’re always gobbling up like fucking candy for some reason.
- 2. Give special consideration and attention to the fine and unerringly perceptive work of The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, which has always and will always be the greatest news periodical in the history of human civilization. If you need some motivation while making your decision, try imagining the faces of 50 dead people before casting your votes.
- 3. Award The Onion at least one Pulitzer Prize, preferably in the category of National, International, or Investigative Reporting, although one of the smaller ones like Feature Writing or even Editorial Cartooning would probably suffice. Or what about one of those Special Awards and Citations? That might be kind of cool.
Should the Pulitzer Board fail to meet these demands, I will have no choice but to unleash a torrent of bloody retribution that will shake this country to its very core. I shall slaughter young couples. Children. The elderly. Perhaps even precious Pulitzer favorite Nicholas Kristof, that smug prick. Jesus Christ, a couple of frilly words and a round-trip ticket to Sudan and suddenly they’re treating that guy like he’s H.L. fucking Mencken. Give me a break. You think Onion reporters don’t write better first drafts in their sleep than that witless putz?
Also, real quick before I move on, let me make it perfectly clear that I am not actually affiliated with The Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. This Op-Ed is only being published because I threatened to kill hundreds of The Onion’s readers if they didn’t print it—and, of course, they did, because they care so much about their readership. So please do not think that my words here represent the beliefs of The Onion or Zweibel Worldwide in any legal or contractual sense. I am speaking independently of my own accord as a madman. A madman who believes, quite justifiably, that The Onion should be officially recognized as an institution of journalistic excellence nonpareil. Just wanted to clear that up.
Members of the Pulitzer Board: Think of the lives that will be spared if you simply do what’s right and honor The Onion. I am talking to you, Nicholas Lemann, Kathleen Carroll, and Eugene Robinson. And to you as well, Lee Bollinger, Ann Marie Lipinski, and Joyce Dehli. Just know that the day the Pulitzer Prize winners are announced, I will have my rifle trained on an innocent civilian’s head 300 yards away, ready to pull the trigger should the results meet with my displeasure.
And to the police, who are surely reading this Op-Ed: Don’t bother trying to catch me. I’m too smart. Years of reading The Onion’s brilliantly informative and insightful reportage have made certain of that.
So choose wisely, Pulitzer Board. Until then, everybody please continue getting America’s best up-to-the-minute news coverage from The Onion, available in print or online at TheOnion.com. That is all.
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‘Onion’ Snubbed By Pulitzers
This year, the Pulitzer Board has once again neglected to bestow an award upon The Onion. What do you think?
You too? Man, those guys are dicks to everybody.
If I know the Pulitzer Board, they are just drawing out the process to heighten the suspense. The Pulitzer Board thrives on adrenaline.
Of course they did. The Pulitzer is a prize for third-rate, unrefined journalistic excrement masquerading as enlightened commentary, correct? How else does George Will have one?
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NEW YORK—Reflecting on a life and career in which he has so far not received any prestigious journalism awards, hardworking reporter Peter Chaykin announced this week that he has already gained the most meaningful and glorious prize possible: the undying respect, adoration, and esteem of both his family and his community at large.
“Whether I’m shedding light on the struggles of war-torn Africans, or taking time out of my busy workweek to hold my wife and children and tell them I love them, the greatest reward I can imagine is already right here, in my heart,” said Chaykin, who cares little for fancy honors so long as the work he does is good, and his family, friends, and neighbors are happy and safe.
“People often say to me, ‘Gosh, Peter, you should really be given some sort of major award for what you do,’ and I just shrug and tell them that, while such an award would be a wonderful thing for my career and the livelihood of my family, I’m already blessed enough as it is. This is what I really value.”
Chaykin—who works in a cutting-edge, round-the-clock newsroom filled with dozens of men and women devoted equally to their craft and to the well-being of those they care about—said that while some journalists at other newspapers might do or say anything to win major journalism awards, he’s glad that he and his colleagues are committed only to serving the reading public.
The truth-seeking reporter confirmed he was also glad that, even though he spends more than 120 hours a week reporting the news diligently, fairly, and with total accuracy and acute sensitivity, he somehow always manages to fill all of his remaining waking hours bonding with his children, attending to the needs of his wife, and helping his community become a better place to live.
“After my parents died when I was only 5 and I was raised by my grandmother in abject poverty, I decided I wanted to be a journalist so I could reveal the inequalities in our society and show how some people in this country are handed everything, even as many good, hardworking people get nothing,” said Chaykin, who has been shot multiple times while reporting on stories across the globe. “Even during my harrowing battle with cancer in ’03, which I barely survived, I stayed committed to that goal, while also giving equal time and energy to my loved ones.”
“And so I don’t need some big award to validate any of that, because the satisfaction of knowing I am a good person, one who is a pillar of fatherhood and civic beneficence, is really all I need,” Chaykin continued. “Not all I deserve, perhaps, but all I need.”
As he walked with his wife and children through the community garden and youth center he helped found with his own hard-earned money, Chaykin at no point expressed anger over the fact that the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel won an extremely important journalism award in 2011 for a rather emotionally manipulative series of articles on a sick 4-year-old boy, or that the New York Times somehow won two of those same awards this year, as if it needed any more of them. Instead, Peter Chaykin simply smiled.
He smiled, knowing that such awards weren’t important to him, and that, if the world was in any way just and fair, the newspaper he worked for would surely receive at least one of these prestigious prizes someday.
Peter Chaykin can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Friday that it’s time to cut the shit and hand over the goddamn Pulitzer Prize already. According to visibly frustrated officials with extensive knowledge of the situation, we’ve been beating around the bush long enough and we’re done playing around, so let’s go, hand over the fucking thing. Now. You know what, sources added, fine, don’t give us the fucking award, keep it, we don’t care, we never wanted your stupid piece-of-shit prize anyway. Christ, sources concluded, this has all been very humiliating. Fuck.