NiniaPimp Magazine

CHICAGO—Following a protracted period of creative stagnation, struggling 27-year-old musician Tom Ruskin announced Friday his plans to retreat to a remote cabin in the Illinois woods with just his acoustic guitar and an old four-track recorder in order to make the biggest piece-of-shit album ever committed to tape.

Ruskin has in recent months reportedly professed a strong, incredibly hackneyed urge to “get back to nature” in the interests of tapping into a more primal and exceptionally crappy well of creativity. Additionally, the part-time coffee shop barista was recently dumped by his girlfriend of two years, a breakup he said has provided the banal inspiration he needs to write an extremely aurally and aesthetically offensive set of songs.

“There are way too many distractions here in the city,” Ruskin said as he packed some extra sets of guitar strings that he will employ while recording the worst, most derivative music anyone has ever heard. “I need to go where there’s no e-mail or cell phones or television and devote my complete attention to making the most godawful record imaginable.”

“I just have to be totally alone with my mundane, asinine thoughts and focus on nothing but getting this unlistenable turd of an album out of my head and into the world,” Ruskin added.

Listen: ‘Miles Between (Song For Sarah)’ by Tom Ruskin

In addition to his guitar and analog recording equipment, Ruskin said he is bringing for lyrical inspiration several books of classic poetry, the thematic content of which he will badly misinterpret and bastardize while writing the words for his unbelievably shitty songs.

Ruskin added that he plans to grow a beard during his sojourn so he will look especially pretentious and annoying when he returns from making his laughably bad album.

“In Chicago, I’m constantly surrounded by talented musicians,” Ruskin said. “The last thing I need right now is a bunch of competent songwriters putting in their two cents and truthfully telling me that what I’m doing is just fucking awful. How can I reach my self- indulgent musical nadir if I’m getting a bunch of sober, reasonable advice from people who know what they’re talking about?”

As his inspiration for sequestering himself in the wilderness, Ruskin cited several musical luminaries—such as Justin Vernon of the critically acclaimed indie rock band Bon Iver—who have at times gone to similar lengths in order to work on their music without distraction.

Ruskin, however, was quick to dispel any notion that this implied he would actually be producing something of lasting or even passing creative value.

“It’ll be just like Bruce Springsteen locking himself in his bedroom and recording Nebraska,” said Ruskin, referring to the New Jersey–born rock legend’s sparse, deeply haunting album of 1982. “Except instead of creating a timeless masterpiece that perfectly encapsulates the struggles and dashed dreams of blue-collar Americans, I’ll be haphazardly slapping together a piece of total shit that proves I don’t know the first thing about good music, much less about truth and the human condition.”

“And I know this cello player I can call to do some overdubs when I get back,” continued Ruskin, later adding that he has already made the ill-advised decision to layer his own voice dozens of times on every track so that the album will reach its full potential as an incoherent, pompous mess that no one will be able to listen to for more than 30 seconds. “God, this thing is going to be just the absolute worst.”

According to sources, the cabin where Ruskin will be staying is less than a mile from the cabin of Gerard Mortimer, 36, who is currently hard at work writing the shittiest novel anyone will ever read.

DANVILLE, IL—After a particular combination of vocalizations and gestures garnered him several laughs Tuesday, local man Terry Lanier announced his plans to repeat the series of actions regularly for the next 12 years. “I believe this one will have a lot of traction,” Lanier said of the routine he believes will provide an easy way to break the ice in social situations or insert a little levity into serious discussions. “It may require slight modifications from year to year, and I’ll probably have to tweak a few things depending on the audience, but I intend to ride this thing out as long as I can.” Lanier added that in order to make room for the new gag in his repertoire, he has opted to retire an 8-year-old bit that is still getting laughs but perhaps not the right kind anymore.

In an effort to curtail wildfires in the drought-stricken area, Guadalupe County in Texas has banned outdoor fires, including barbecues without lids. What do you think?

• 

  Can you still use a wildfire to cook your food if one is already burning?

  Maggie Chin
  Systems Analyst

• 

  I don’t see how banning responsible business operators from using an open-pit barbecue is going to stop me from dumping cigarette butts into the brush.

  Leo Downe
  Golf-Range Attendant

• 

  Real Texans don’t use grills; they just keep roping a T-bone until the friction cooks it to about medium-rare.

  Al Bishop
  Remnant Sorter

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Friday by the National Association of Sports Commissions, somebody needs to step up and take control of this game. “It’s now or never,” the report read in part, adding if somebody doesn’t dig deep and find that extra gear, this thing is all but over. “Everybody’s standing around waiting for somebody else to step up and make big plays. There’s just no sense of urgency out there.” The report concluded that it all comes down to who wants it more.

Talking solely about the hardware, the Series 5 is a nice little Netbook. Thin, reasonably lightweight, and attractive, it’s no better or worse than most Netbooks we’ve tested. It is mostly plastic, however, which might turn some people off. Powered by an Intel dual-core Atom processor and backed by 2GB of memory, integrated graphics, and a 16GB solid-state drive (SSD), the system does what it’s designed to do–run the Internet. Still, how enjoyable your Web experience is, is dependent on your hardware. We know the idea was to keep the price low and the battery life long, but for a first effort, Samsung probably should have used a more powerful processor/graphics combination. By the way, the memory is soldered to the motherboard; you get 2GB and that’s it–no upgrades.

As for connectivity and ports, there’s an SD card slot in front (it supports SD, SDHC, SDXC, and MMC cards), a USB 2.0 port on each side, a VGA port for connecting to an external display or projector (though it requires a dongle), and a headphone/mic jack. The Wi-Fi radio is quick to lock on to a signal, as is the mobile broadband receiver. Oddly, though, there’s no Bluetooth for connecting a wireless headset for voice or video chat. Spec for spec, the Series 5 measures up well against its $349 Wi-Fi only Acer competitor; the Acer has an HDMI output, but no SD card slot.

The Series 5 also has a slightly larger, higher-resolution screen than the Acer. Samsung’s 12.1-inch wide-screen LCD offers a 1,280×800-pixel native resolution. It’s a matte screen, so there are no distracting reflections when working in bright lighting or outdoors. However, off-angle viewing is pretty bad; you’ll need to be sitting directly in front of the screen with it tilted just right to get a solid picture. The screen is very bright–as promised–but it also automatically adjusts brightness; that’s great if you’re completely stationary, but less so if you’re commuting on a bus with changing light conditions.

Worth noting, too, is that currently the only file systems supported are FAT32, Ext2, Ext3, Ext4, VFAT, UDF, and NTFS; the Series 5 doesn’t seem to recognize anything larger than 1TB. If you need to connect to traditional network-attached storage drives, you can’t. Using something like Pogoplug should work, though.

The keyboard is large and comfortable with dedicated keys for Web navigation. Instead of a Caps Lock key, for example, there’s a Search key; there are also keys for paging forward and backward, refreshing, going full-screen, and switching browser windows. We wouldn’t mind having a Home key, too, to take you to the main apps page, but in all, it’s a good layout. The touch pad is equally nice.

A long battery life is one of the big promises of Chromebooks, and the Series 5 did provide. Samsung quotes 8.5 hours of continuous use as determined by an internal Google battery test. That test combines Web browsing, e-mail, using Web apps, and watching videos while using the screen’s default brightness and Wi-Fi–all with no idle time. We ran a video playback test and came back with an average of 6 hours and 25 minutes, so it’s fair to say less demanding use with idle time will get you up to a full day. (By the way, the body is sealed making fast battery replacement impossible.) The Series 5 boots remarkably quickly: from off to login was 8.4 seconds in our tests and another 3.9 from login to browser. As promised, it resumes nearly instantly, too.

Performance is mixed. We had no problems streaming music (the speakers sound really good for the Series 5′s size) and YouTube clips played fine, too, even while we worked. On the other hand, we tried playing some HD clips shot with a minicamcorder and, well, let’s just say it didn’t go well. Also, there’s currently no support for Netflix streaming (it’s in the works), which is a big negative for us, and Hulu streaming resulted in choppy, out-of-sync video and audio. We suspect the more sites we visit, the more slowdowns and roadblocks we’ll hit, just as you would with any Netbook. Being limited to one browser doesn’t help, either; if Chrome doesn’t support something, you’re stuck.

However, one of the most attractive things about the Chrome OS is that your Chromebook’s performance can get better overnight. Google will continue to enhance and refine the OS, which should, in turn, make the Series 5 more capable.

Conclusion
We keep seeing people comment that the Samsung Series 5 or any other Chromebook will be a good choice for nontechie people. Maybe eventually, but today there are just too many holes in the experience. Plus, trying to explain to nontechies that everything they do is now online and asking them to trust that it’ll be there whenever they log in might not be that easy. Forget about explaining things like not being able to connect the Series 5 directly to a printer. But, really, that’s all on Google and not Samsung. The Series 5 works as promised and looks good doing it. However, for its price you can buy a more capable Windows Netbook or laptop–even if you just want something for couch use. You can do a lot of things with one of those (or a smartphone, an Android tablet, or iPad for that matter). Right now, though, there are just a lot of things you can’t do with a Chromebook.

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Photo gallery:
2011 Hyundai Elantra GLS

When we took our first look at the 2011 Hyundai Elantra GLS a few months ago, our initial impressions were good. We gushed about the fit and finish, the attractive styling, the nimble handling, and the great cabin tech package. But today’s automotive landscape is rapidly changing, and in the three months since our last encounter with the Elantra, we’ve also found ourselves behind the wheel of the new Ford Focus and the new Chevy Cruze Eco, vehicles that join the incumbent Honda Civic in the competition for buyers’ C-segment dollars.

With more seat time under our belts, we take a second look at Hyundai’s shot over the bow of Honda and see if some of the sheen of our first impression has worn off.

Performance
Power for the Elantra is provided by a rather pedestrian 1.8-liter engine that makes 148 horsepower and 131 pound-feet of torque. Although a six-speed manual transmission is available, we’re sure that most examples of the Elantra–our tester included–will put power to the front wheels via a six-speed automatic transmission with Shiftronic manual shift mode. No, the Elantra doesn’t exactly back up its sporty windswept look with mind-blowing performance, but acceleration is adequate. When left in its automatic mode, the Elantra supposedly hits 60 mph in just a hair under 8 seconds. However, in the Shiftronic manual mode, we had the hardest time getting under the 10-second mark. That’s due to the manual shift mode’s habit of automatically upshifting just as we reached for the shift lever, causing us to end up a gear higher than expected. For best results, just leave the shifting to the computer.

The EPA estimates the Elantra’s fuel economy at 29 city mpg and 40 mpg on the highway. However, we came nowhere near those numbers. Mixed driving kept the trip computer hovering around 25 mpg for the duration of our first tank of gas. After refueling and trying again with more highway driving in the mix, we were able to tickle, but not exceed, 32 mpg. Perhaps an instantaneous fuel economy gauge would have helped us to boost that number, but the Elantra is only equipped with an Eco light in its instrument cluster that illuminates when the driver goes easy on the throttle.

On the road, the Elantra feels like the Honda Civic used to in the ’90s: making up for its notable lack of power by emphasizing lightweight, nimble handling. However, although the Elantra’s handling is good, the sedan still has an economy-car feel. Its torsion-bar rear suspension doesn’t stick to the road like the Civic’s multilink rear end. Over uneven pavement at highway speeds, the Elantra’s front suspension soaks up bumps surprisingly well, but we were able to feel the rear end rolling over when the road got curvy. Expect the Elantra to understeer when pushed to its moderate limits before the standard stability control, traction control, and brake force distribution systems step in to keep things in line.

The Elantra’s electric power steering feels a bit over-boosted, which makes it feel a bit numb for performance driving but perfect for effortless milling about town. The sedan also has a small turning radius, a valuable asset for city dwellers. When equipped with the optional rearview camera, which we’ll discuss shortly, the light steering, quick turning, and small footprint make the Elantra remarkably easy to parallel park. We’re thinking that most potential Elantra drivers will value the sedan’s low-speed handling and manners over all-out high-speed performance.

Cabin tech
When equipped with automatic transmission, the GLS trim level comes standard with a 172-watt six-speaker stereo system with a good mix of audio sources, including XM Satellite Radio, AM/FM terrestrial radio, a single-disc CD player with MP3 decoding capability, and USB and auxiliary inputs with iPod connectivity. In order to best use an iPod or iPhone with Hyundai’s system, you’ll need to drop an additional $35 on an iPod cable that simultaneously connects the iPod or iPhone to both the auxiliary and USB inputs for full-speed music library browsing. Additionally, the Elantra can be equipped with Hyundai’s standard array of cabin tech options.

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Weird news stories, bizarre news, strange but stories. You’ve come to the right place: Bizarre Florida, where weird is the norm. Exploding pythons. Armless, one-legged drivers. Yep. We certainly have unusual news stories. Offbeat news. Strange, interesting stories. Weird, unusual, true news stories. Get the picture? Have a story suggestion?

E-mail Bizarre Florida: bizarre@tampabay.com

Weird news stories, bizarre news, strange but stories. You’ve come to the right place: Bizarre Florida, where weird is the norm. Exploding pythons. Armless, one-legged drivers. Yep. We certainly have unusual news stories. Offbeat news. Strange, interesting stories. Weird, unusual, true news stories. Get the picture? Have a story suggestion?

E-mail Bizarre Florida: bizarre@tampabay.com

Road trip news, rants, and ruminations by the Editors of RoadsideAmerica.com

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Sale Of The Century: Steam Pig Could Be Yours!

June 9, 2011

A 55-foot-long piece of steampunk-inspired barnyard-cyborg art, Steam Pig, is for sale. It has to be moved by the end of July. Its creators are listening to all offers (Interested buyers can visit Steam Pig’s web site).

“There’s not gonna be another one,” said Jerry Adams, a designer acting as the artists’ broker. “It is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

Steam Pig was built for the 2010 ArtPrize competition in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It didn’t win, but its mega-porcine mass ensured that it stayed where it was. The metalloid porker quickly became a downtown icon. “You give directions by where the pig is,” said Gerry. “There’s a real groundswell of support to keep it here.”

Unfortunately, “here” can’t include the parking lot where it currently stands, which has to be cleared for the 2011 ArtPrize competition. Steam Pig’s size is part of what makes it special, but it also makes it hard to sell. “When you stand underneath that thing, it’s like, wow, that is a big pig.”

Gerry said that he’d already contacted local barbecue restaurants, Hollywood movie studios, the University of Arkansas Razorbacks, and Cincinnati, Ohio (aka “Porkopolis“). Thus far, no sale. The city, which purchased a Loch Ness Monster previously created by the artists, isn’t an option. “I don’t think they want to be seen as the repository for whatever these guys come up with.”

Jerry is, however, hopeful that Steam Pig can find a home with someone who genuinely appreciates it. “I don’t mind the rejections, because it’s always an interesting conversation,” said Gerry. “Worse case scenario, it gets parked on a street corner somewhere, and then we raise money selling candy bars.”

Steam Pig, Grand Rapids, Michigan

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