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Archive for June 9th, 2011

06.9
11

[audio] Stripper Failing School She’s Working Herself Through

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The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.

Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.

In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.

Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.

06.9
11

Handmade Anti-Obama Sign Currently Frontrunner For Republican Presidential Nomination

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WASHINGTON—According to a Quinnipiac University poll conducted this week, a homemade anti-Obama sign has surged to the front of the 2012 Republican presidential field, emerging as the clear favorite to earn the party’s nomination in next year’s primaries.

The telephone survey of 773 likely voters indicated the sign, a piece of poster board bearing the handwritten phrase “NOBAMA 2012″ in bold red letters, would defeat former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, its nearest rival, by a landslide 17 percentage points if the primaries were held today. The poll also found the sign had a “favorable” or “highly favorable” rating among 94 percent of registered Republicans, a figure greater than all other presumptive GOP candidates combined.

“We’re seeing that voters find the sign more charismatic, more likeable, and much more engaging than other Republican candidates,” said political analyst Mark Halperin, adding that the poster’s message resonates strongly with conservatives. “In the end, it comes down to two things: the ability to energize the party base, and the power to instill confidence and appear presidential. Right now, it’s the sign by far.”

“Frankly,” Halperin added, “this is the brightest star to emerge from the Republican ranks in the last several elections.”

According to Halperin, the 22-by-28-inch poster emerged as a serious contender for the Republican nomination because it offers a clear, consistent vision and refuses to compromise on its fundamental principles. Beltway insiders have also noted that the slogan “Liberty, not debt” on the back of the sign has solidified its appeal with the influential Tea Party bloc.

In addition, the sign has been warmly embraced by social conservatives, who are reportedly drawn to its clean image and lack of personal or political baggage. A recent Zogby poll showed that Americans who identified themselves as values voters favored the sign by a staggering 40-to-1 ratio over former House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

“I like what that sign has to say,” said 46-year-old Brandon LaFollette of Florence, SC, adding that while he likes the way the poster addresses all his political and economic concerns, it’s also the only Republican candidate he could see himself sitting down and having a beer with. “I agree with its positions on the deficit, health care, unemployment, gas prices—everything. And it’s not afraid to stand up to the president on every issue.”

“Sign 2012!” he added.

Having proved its ability to rally broad segments of the political right, and having suddenly invigorated a campaign season that had been widely considered lackluster and uninspiring, the sign has prompted political pundits to anoint the glossy white placard as “the new face of the GOP” and “a modern-day Ronald Reagan.”

“Unfortunately for its competitors, the sign has very few vulnerabilities,” said GOP strategist Mike Murphy, who claimed the poster was poised to “coast” to the Republican nomination next August. “It communicates to voters in unambiguous, straightforward terms, it’s photogenic, and it possesses a remarkable ability to stay on message.”

“The fact that it set a single-day fundraising record doesn’t surprise me at all,” added Murphy, referring to the $40 million haul it received last Tuesday from an estimated 350,000 citizens, the National Right to Life Committee, the Altria Group, dozens of evangelical radio personalities, the National Rifle Association, the energy lobby, and Charles G. and David H. Koch.

With both moderate and hard-line conservatives lining up behind the handmade poster, Murphy said the sign should focus on the difficult task of winning over crucial independent voters. He argued that if a seasoned anti-tax bumper sticker or an American flag lapel pin were selected as its running mate, the sign could broaden its standing in swing states and pose a formidable challenge to the incumbent Obama.

As the buzz surrounding the sign continues to mount, other Republican candidates have reportedly scrambled to reframe their campaigns and capture a share of the rising voter enthusiasm.

“While the sign and I share a common vision for the future, I would hope that voters turn to a candidate with experience,” former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty said. “I may not have the same gift of rhetorical flourish, and I may not be as magnetic or compelling as the poster, but this shouldn’t be a popularity contest. If it were, none of us would stand a chance against the sign. We know that.”

At press time, Pawlenty had dropped out of the race and was expected to make an announcement Thursday fully endorsing the sign.

06.9
11

Cole Hamels Disgusted By Opposing Pitchers Leaving Trash On Mound

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PHILADELPHIA-—During a post-game press conference Tuesday, Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels expressed disgust with opposing pitchers who assume he has no problem picking up their used tissues, candy wrappers, and empty cans between innings. “I’m not a maid,” said Hamels, adding that he always makes sure to sweep up, rake the dirt, and disinfect the rubber with Lysol before returning to the dugout. “I’m not asking for much—just that they be decent human beings and not turn the mound we share into their personal garbage dump.” Hamels claimed he issued a formal proposal to the MLB suggesting fines for litterbugs who ignore the multiple trash receptacles placed right next to the pitcher’s mound.

06.9
11

NHL: Toothless Players Gumming On Each Other’s Fingers Is Harmless

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NEW YORK—In response to critics calling on the NHL to suspend Canucks forward Alex Burrows for biting an opponent’s finger during the Stanley Cup Finals, league officials released a statement Tuesday saying that toothless hockey players gumming on one another is harmless and to be expected. “[Burrows] is going through a phase where his mouth is really hurting him, so it’s completely understandable that he would gum down on a competitor’s finger to get some relief,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, adding that most hockey players begin gumming on fellow competitors’ hands four to six months into the season. “Most of the time they’re not even angry when they do it. They’re just looking to explore. It’s actually kind of cute.” Bettman went on to say that the NHL “cares deeply” about athlete safety, and always makes sure not to leave any small objects around the ice that players could put into their mouths and choke on.

06.9
11

Senile Senator Allowed To Believe He Solved Immigration Crisis

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WASHINGTON—According to colleagues, 87-year-old senile Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) has been allowed to believe he permanently solved the nation’s immigration crisis in 2007. “What’s the harm?” Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) told reporters Tuesday. “He comes up and says, ‘It takes a lot to strike a bipartisan compromise on an issue as contentious as immigration, but I did it,’ and I just say, ‘You sure did, big guy!’ It makes him feel good.” Critics have argued that this is just another example of partisan favoritism, and that former Sen. Mark Hatfield (R-OR) should be allowed to think he is still a voting member of the Senate, or at least have access to the cafeteria.

06.9
11

American Voices: School Application Blasted For Inappropriate Question

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School Application Blasted For Inappropriate Question

June 8, 2011 |

ISSUE 47•23

An application for the Dry Creek School District in California has come under fire for asking if the child to be enrolled was delivered vaginally or via cesarean section. What do you think?

  • That’s good. I’m getting tired of having to provide that information in the ‘Other Comments’ section.

    Kelly Cartwright
    Machine Wedger

  • I’m sorry, but I think they have a right to know if a prospective student is one of those weird vagy kids.

    Dean Yarber
    Systems Analyst

  • Sounds like a pretty good way to find out what their moms are currently workin’ with.

    Paul Thomas
    Call-Out Operator

Recent American Voices
  • Scientists Trap Antimatter For Record Time

    06.07.11 | ISSUE 47•23

    Scientists at CERN trapped atoms of antihydrogen for more than 16 minutes, enabling them to study the elusive material more closely than ever.

  • Food Pyramid Scrapped

    06.06.11 | ISSUE 47•23

    The U.S. Agriculture Department has thrown out the Food Pyramid, in use since 1992, in favor of “MyPlate,” a new plate-based dietary visualization tool.

  • Weiner Can’t Say Photo Isn’t Of Him

    06.03.11 | ISSUE 47•23

    While denying he sent the image to a female follower of his Twitter account, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) said he could not state with absolute certitude that he was not the man pictured in a photo showing an engorged penis covered by gray boxer-briefs.

  • Dancers Arrested At Jefferson Memorial

    06.02.11 | ISSUE 47•22

    U.S. Park Police arrested five people for “expressive dancing” in the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.

  • New Jersey To Pull Out Of Greenhouse Gas Agreement

    06.01.11 | ISSUE 47•22

    Republican governor Chris Christie announced he was removing New Jersey from a ten-state regional cap-and-trade program aimed at reducing carbon emissions.

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06.9
11

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures

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  • This Year In Sports

    12.07.06 | ISSUE 42•52