NiniaPimp Magazine

DALLAS—Already one game up in the Western Conference Finals and within sight of the NBA title, the Dallas Mavericks confirmed Thursday they were not putting any special thought or effort into winning the championship for veteran point guard Jason Kidd.

“Do you know, I haven’t really thought about it like that at all,” said Dallas forward Dirk Nowitzki, who tallied 48 points during his team’s Game 1 victory. “I mean, yeah, he’s our point guard and I like him fine, but to win the championship for him, I don’t know. Yeah, that just seems a little strange.”

Nowitzki’s teammates told reporters that at no point did the Dallas Mavericks ever get together as a team before or during the season and say they wanted to win an NBA title so that Jason Kidd could finally retire with a championship ring. In addition, team sources confirmed they weren’t feeling added pressure to beat the Oklahoma City Thunder as a result of this possibly being Kidd’s last chance at a title.

According to Mavericks players, the phrase “Let’s do this for Jason” hasn’t been uttered once this entire season, not in the locker room, during practice, or in any sort of game situation.

“If you think of Jason as being a part of the whole team, then, yes, we’re doing it for Jason,” said Mavericks head coach Rick Carlisle. “I mean, just as much as we are for everyone else. Essentially, him winning a title is a nice side effect of us winning a title, I suppose. Are people saying that’s what we’re doing? That we’re playing for Jason Kidd? Because we’re not.”

When asked about being inspired to win by Kidd, dedicating a possible championship to Kidd, or whether anyone on the team had ever been heard to say “If anyone deserves this, it’s Jason Kidd” after a victory, Mavericks players, coaches, and staffers all reacted with bemusement.

Responses to the idea of Kidd winning his first NBA title this year ranged from “It would be sort of nice” to “I’ve really only had about three conversations with him, total” to “Of course winning it for him is on everybody’s mind, since Dirk has played his whole career here and we feel he’s still somewhat underrated, so… Oh, you meant Jason Kidd! Why, no.”

“Jason was one of my favorite players when I was growing up,” said backup point guard J.J. Barea, who has been invaluable to the Mavs when coming off the bench during the playoffs. “So playing behind him is an honor and so on. But still, it’s not like the Knicks ever said, ‘Hey, we have to win this one for John Starks.’ I was kind of hoping we’d trade for Steve Nash at some point this year, actually.”

“It’d be awesome to help Steve Nash win a title,” he added. “Man, that guy really deserves it.”

In an informal team poll, Dallas center Tyson Chandler told reporters that Kidd was “about 85th on the list” of reasons why he would want to win the championship; shooting guard Jason Terry said that Kidd was “an okay guy, but not inspiration material,” and six other players responded by saying, “Jason Kidd is perfectly fine, sure.”

“This is a pretty understandable reaction,” said Mavericks point guard Jason Kidd, who claimed that it had “never really occurred to [him]” that he was originally drafted by the Mavericks and that this championship run could be construed as a sort of homecoming. “I’m a future Hall of Famer, sure, but you don’t root for me like you would a Larry Bird or a Magic Johnson. And it’s weird, even though I’ve been in the league a long time, imagining myself finally hoisting up the Larry O’Brien Trophy doesn’t give me the same chills as, say, Grant Hill standing at that victory podium.”

“Can you imagine that?” Kidd added. “After all that guy’s been through with injuries and so on? I’d love to watch that.”

Outspoken Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, known for his colorful and controversial statements regarding his team, initially declined comment on the matter, but reluctantly agreed to do so when assured his remarks would not be construed as an endorsement of Kidd as an inspiration, a motivating figure, or a team icon.

“Let’s put it this way—if we don’t win this, I’m not ever going to think, ‘We failed to get a championship ring for Jason Kidd,’” Cuban said. “I mean, I have absolutely nothing against him. Good guy, good player. But c’mon, it’s Jason Kidd, you know?”

“Wait a second,” Cuban added, “didn’t he hit his wife?”

The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.

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Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.

WASHINGTON—State Department diplomat Nelson Milstrand, who appeared on CNN last week and offered an informed, thoughtful analysis implying that Israel could perhaps exercise more restraint toward Palestinian moderates in disputed territories, was asked to resign Tuesday. “The United States deeply regrets any harm Mr. Milstrand’s careful, even-tempered, and factually accurate remarks may have caused our democratic partner in the Middle East,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said in an unequivocal condemnation of the veteran foreign-service officer’s perfectly reasonable statements. “U.S. policy toward Israel continues to be one of unconditional support and fawning sycophancy.” Milstrand, 63, will reportedly appear at an AIPAC conference to offer a full apology as soon as his trial concludes and his divorce is finalized.

According to Harold Camping, the founder of Family Radio, the world will come to an end on Saturday. What do you think?

• 

  Is there anything we can do to speed it up? My mother-in-law is coming Friday! Also, my boss is coming over for dinner that same night!

  Derrick Kingsley
  Vitamin Handler

• 

  He’s probably close to being right. He is 89 years old, after all.

  Jennifer Dillon
  Subscriber

• 

  Hmm, sounds a little fishy. I’m going to have to hear some Bible passages with extremely vague allusions and see some inscrutable numerology before I believe this.

  Lisa Grant
  Orchard Mogul

Player-Led Workouts

In a normal year, most NFL teams would be starting their minicamps right now. With the lockout in effect, some players have taken the initiative to organize workouts on their own, with varying degrees of success.

• Albert Haynesworth: 15 reps of breakfast
• Buffalo Bills: Ryan Fitzpatrick organized a specialized passing practice at his house, during which teammates could come over and teach him how to properly throw the ball
• Arizona Cardinals: Larry Fitzgerald invited several top players from different teams to work out at his Arizona compound, where he organized drills and begged them to sign with the Cardinals
• San Fransisco 49ers: QB Alex Smith has been throwing to receivers Josh Morgan and Ted Ginn, though neither of them have caught any passes and both have repeatedly told him to get out of their homes
• Tennessee Titans: TE Craig Stevens started working out at a nearby high school but was asked to leave about 20 minutes later
• Chicago Bears: Defensive players practiced their team fundamentals by having linebacker Lance Briggs hit the tackling dummies while linebacker Brian Urlacher got all the credit
• Kansas City Chiefs: Just holding regular offseason workouts as usual, because who pays any attention to the Chiefs?
• Nobody: Working their asses off in negotiations so there can actually be some fucking football this year