ARLINGTON, VA—Scrambling to secure much-needed funding, the Public Broadcasting Service began its spring pledge drive Monday with the debut broadcast of Nova: Boobs A-Bouncin’. “We at PBS are proud to present this latest installment in our award-winning science series,” PBS spokesperson David Brennan said of the two-hour special devoted to the science of breast mobility. “As you’ll see, Boobs A-Bouncin’ covers all the ups-and-downs, side-to-sides, and other various jiggling patterns associated with the physics of breasts in motion. Please enjoy this episode, and please, please call the number at the bottom of your screen to donate.” Faced with a similar budget shortfall, NPR announced last week that it had retooled its popular show Fresh Air so that Terry Gross would now conduct all her interviews from a Sybian.
The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.
Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.
In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.
Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.
TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.
During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation’s heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group’s long-standing mission and values.
“Although we’ve traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion,” said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood’s new slogan, “No Life Is Sacred.” “And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it’s going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day.”
“The Abortionplex’s high-tech machinery is capable of terminating one pregnancy every three seconds,” Richards added. “That’s almost a million abortions every month. We’re so thrilled!”
The 900,000-square-foot facility has more than 2,000 rooms dedicated to the abortion procedure. The abundance of surgical space, Richards said, will ensure that women visiting the facility can be quickly fitted into stirrups without pausing to second-guess their decision or consider alternatives such as adoption. Hundreds of on-site counselors are also available to meet with clients free of charge and go over the many ways that carrying a child to term will burden them and very likely ruin their lives.
The remaining space is dedicated to amenities such as coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater—features intended not only to help clients relax, but to foster a sense of community and make abortion more of a social event.
“We really want abortion to become a regular part of women’s lives, especially younger women who have enough fertile years ahead of them to potentially have dozens of abortions,” said Richards, adding that the Abortionplex would provide shuttle service to and from most residences, schools, and shopping malls in the region. “Our hope is for this facility to become a regular destination where a woman in her second trimester can whoop it up at karaoke and then kick back while we vacuum out the contents of her cervix.”
“All women should feel like they have a home at the Abortionplex,” Richards continued. “Whether she’s a high school junior who doesn’t want to go to prom pregnant, a go-getter professional who can’t be bothered with the time commitment of raising a child, or a prostitute who knows getting an abortion is the easiest form of birth control—all are welcome.”
Nineteen-year-old Marcy Kolrath, one of the Abortionplex’s first clients, told reporters that despite her initial hesitancy, she was quickly put at ease by staff members who reassured her that she could have abortions over and over for the next decade before finally committing to motherhood. Kolrath also said she was “wowed” by the facility’s many attractions.
“I was kind of on the fence in the beginning,” she said. “But after a couple of margaritas and a ride down the lazy river they’ve got circling the place, I got caught up in the vibe. By the time it was over, I almost wished I could’ve aborted twins and gotten to stay a little longer.”
“I told my boyfriend we had to have sex again that very night,” Kolrath added. “I really want to come back over Labor Day.”
WASHINGTON—As cameras snapped and members of the press looked on, neither President Obama nor members of the Tennessee Titans were able to provide any indication as to why the professional football team might have been invited to visit the White House Tuesday. “We are honored to have this team here today,” said Obama, who paused to confer privately with an aide after appearing confused by the appearance in the Oval Office of the NFL’s 27th-ranked team. “It’s good to see you. God bless America.” Following the exchange, the befuddled Titans handed the president a jersey, posed for more pictures, and flew back to Nashville in confused silence.
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Daughter Taken From Mom After Botox Admission
After telling Good Morning America she gave her 8-year-old Botox injections to make her more competitive in beauty pageants, California mother Kerry Campbell lost custody of her daughter to the state. What do you think?
Well, if that poor little girl sees my daughter in foster care, maybe she can remind her it’s heel, toe, step, then smile! We can still win this, Caroline!
Botox? Come on, who goes to a child beauty pageant to look at the faces?
Wow. So that girl gets to stay beautiful forever and gets away from her evil mother? It’s like a fairy tale!
Recent American Voices
Massachusetts Mayors Battle Melatonin Brownie
Vatican Blames Man-Made Emissions For Global Warming
Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock
Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate
Gingrich Announces Candidacy
Recent News »
Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex
Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location
HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don’t Need A Computer
Update: Obama Yet Again Refrains From Obliterating Human Race
Report: Area Woman Has Best Friends In Whole World
Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once
Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation’s Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students
Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly
MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to make a little extra money, former Minnesota Twins pitcher Scott Erickson placed his 1994 no-hitter against the Milwaukee Brewers up for sale on eBay Sunday. “It’s 17 years old, but I guarantee this game is still 100% hitless,” read the listing, which after four days online has received one bid of $4.75. “You get all five strikeouts, four walks, even the six runs my teammates put up in support. Trust me, this is truly a fine game to own.” Erickson has set the no-hitter’s Buy It Now price at $2,500.
Bin Laden’s Abandoned Terror Plots
Poring over materials seized during the raid in Pakistan, intelligence officials have discovered Osama bin Laden wanted to commit new acts of terror to drive the United States out of the Middle East. Here are some of the plots he had devised:
- Attack on boyhood town harboring ’70s fat-Osama photos
- Deploying top al-Qaeda operative Donald Trump to distract America from its real problems (plan completed)
- Planting explosives on Mount Rushmore to turn George Washington into Jimmy Carter
- Secretly replacing all MMs with Reese’s Pieces
- Repeatedly voting for the worst American Idol contestant, ruining the chances of those who really deserve to move on to the next round
- Writing snide, dismissive comments on every Huffington Post story about Pakistan
- Grinding the Internet to a standstill by enlisting mujahideen to all stream Netflix at the same time
- Flying planes directly into lower Manhattan’s 9/11 memorial (plan repeatedly placed on hold)
What Did We Forget At The Grocery Store?
Why Do We Hate Billy Joel?
How Are We Staving Off Bankruptcy?
How Are We Fighting The War On Terror?
What Are We Leaving Unattended?
Why Aren’t We Able To Feel Anything In Our Toes?
May 10, 2011
Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you’ll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
Taurus You’ll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching bea…