NEW HAVEN, CT—A new report released Wednesday by a privately funded think tank revealed that local receptionist Amanda Berley, 31, has the best friends in the whole world.
The report, which compared Berley’s friends to a wide sampling of similar groups across multiple demographics, found the women to be superior in all aspects of friendship, including going out for cocktails after work, telling someone they are too good for that asshole anyway, and remembering birthdays even if the person didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.
“After months of intensive analysis, we can now determine conclusively that Amanda Berley’s friends are indeed the greatest in the world,” said Stephen Reynolds, spokesperson for the Fielding Institute. “These individuals are her girls. And according to our findings, all of them are the absolute best.”
“In fact, these women exhibit levels of support that go far beyond those displayed by any of the other friends observable anywhere on earth,” Reynolds added. “They’re really more like sisters, and they always have her back.”
According to researchers, advanced statistics show that Berley’s friend group is the only one out of the 2.3 billion in existence that would have been as there for her when her grandfather was in the hospital briefly last summer or that time she thought she was going to lose her job.
Further data also suggests that no other† friends in any of the 195 independent countries were as smart, cool, awesome, understanding, and fun to be around.
†In addition to analyzing the group as a whole, researchers also found each of the girls individually to be “so fucking beautiful, both inside and out.”
†”Amanda and Sarah have literally been friends since day one,” said Reynolds, noting that their experience living together during college had made them closer than any two other human beings alive today. “Our research shows Amanda would do anything for that girl and knows Sarah would do the same for her.”
When asked if he considered Amanda and Sarah to be best friends, Reynolds said there was little evidence to suggest any of the girls would ever choose one over another, but that if it came down to it, Amanda would probably choose former coworker Megan Hill, due to their history of going through a lot of shit together and coming out stronger for it.
Sources close to the girls said the formation of the core five has been challenging at times, and it has not always been easy to distinguish “lying bitches who say things they don’t know anything about” from wonderful, supportive women who are going to make some man very happy one day and deserve it all.
Despite these tribulations, researchers at the Fielding Institute concluded members of the group are as close today as they have ever been, especially now that they no longer hang out with Allison.
“Allison used to be an integral part of the group, but then of course she turned out to be a total psycho,” said Briggs, adding that data indicates Allison “even looks like a bitch.” “Ugh. Don’t get me started on her.”
The research team confirmed it would issue a follow-up report next year detailing how Berley’s mother and father were not only the best parents a person could ever ask for, but also amazing friends as well.
