WASHINGTON—Following last week’s deadly crash of United Airlines flight 9753, which claimed the lives of 137 passengers and five crew members, the National Transportation Safety Board announced Wednesday that the victims were actually far likelier to have perished in an automobile accident. “Although these individuals died tragically, it’s important to remember that their flight was 80 times less likely to kill them than if they had driven to their destination,” said NTSB chairperson Deborah Hersman, adding that their horrific deaths were “almost a statistical impossibility” when compared to highway travel. “In actuality, these people were 11 times more likely to die crossing the street than in the terrifying onboard fire and subsequent 10,000-foot free fall that took their lives.” Hersman concluded by reaching out to the victims’ families, stating that she sincerely wished they would have been able to see 24 of their loved ones eventually die of violent heart attacks, 20 waste away from cancer, and one or two commit suicide, as would be expected of a random 142-person sample.
NEW YORK—Major League Baseball’s latest effort to achieve competitive parity by having larger-market teams share their runs with small-market teams drew fire last Wednesday after owners complained that the rule unfairly penalized better-performing clubs. “Subsidizing the offense of other teams isn’t our job, so it really hurts when the Yankees lose because we have to give two of our five runs to the Royals,” said Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner, referring to the previous night, when the league determined a Derek Jeter double off Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander had driven in Kansas City’s Wilson Betemit and Mike Aviles. “And the Royals still got beat by the Orioles in extra innings.” According to the agreement, the only big-market team that does not have to share its runs is the New York Mets “because, well, they’re the New York Mets.”
May 10, 2011
Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you’ll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
Taurus You’ll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching bea…
The Onion Radio News has been the most highly regarded broadcast news source in the world since visionary Onion publisher T.Herman Zweibel made the bold move in 1922 to shut down the popular Onion Telegraph News and focus on the then embryonic medium of radio. From day one Zweibel intended to employ this new technology for the public good, and for the first two years he devoted much of his airtime to denouncing silent film actress Louise Brooks.
Overnight, Zweibel’s vitriolic attacks gained sufficient listenership to attract wealthy sponsors like Campbell’s Liquid Beef and Spotto potato detergent. The financial success of the Onion Radio News led Zweibel to hire professional “pronouncers,” as they were called then, who were charged with the important task of reading items from the printed version of The Onion to fill time between Zweibel’s marathon anti-flapper rants.
In 1947, a polyp the size of a Concord grape on Zweibel’s vocal cords forced him to stop his nightly rants, allowing the Onion Radio News to finally become one of the first 24-hour news outlets.
Today the Onion Radio News, anchored by Doyle Redland, continues to inspire and inform millions of listeners around the world and has become the living embodiment of the power of the spoken news word.
ARLINGTON, TX—Following his 4-for-6, two-home-run performance against the Rangers Sunday, 36-year-old Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter went back to the team hotel and slept for almost the entire day Monday, team sources reported. “By that second home run trot, he looked absolutely exhausted,” said teammate CC Sabathia, adding that Jeter began nodding off on the team bus and fell asleep immediately upon entering his hotel room. “I don’t even think he took off his shoes. He just fell onto the bed and was out like a light.” Added Sabathia, “Taking all those swings and running around all those bases? It was a big day for the old guy.”
WASHINGTON—Despite being constantly tempted by the seductive power of having an apocalyptic arsenal at his fingertips, President Barack Obama somehow made it through another day Tuesday without unlocking the box on his desk that houses “the button” and launching all 5,113 U.S. nuclear warheads.
Though the president confirmed his schedule was packed with security briefings, public appearances, and cabinet meetings, he said he couldn’t help but steal a few glances at the bright red button, which is “right there, staring at [him], all the time.”
Tuesday marks the 841st-straight day Obama has withstood the button’s powerful allure.
“I think I was closer to pressing the button today than I have ever been,” Obama said during a press conference from the White House Rose Garden, adding that he would be lying if he said he wasn’t thinking about the button right at that very moment. “Let me be clear: I do not want to start a thermonuclear war. But knowing that I could at any moment, and that it would be so easy, well, it almost feels like I’m being tested or something.”
“Did you know that if you sort of put enough weight on the button with your fingertip, you can feel a little slack there before it actually clicks?” Obama added. “Thank you, and God bless America.”
According to Beltway insiders, it has taken everything in Obama’s power lately to distract himself from the button, which the president once told an aide is “sort of begging to be pressed, you know?” At one point Tuesday, Obama reportedly forced himself to stop glaring at the button by leaving his desk and staring silently across the White House lawn, only to return seconds later to gaze at it some more.
Obama has also been overheard asking White House staffers if they weren’t just the least bit curious what would happen if he just waltzed in there right now and pushed it.
“I don’t want to unleash Armageddon,” said Obama, adding that there is a 50-50 chance he won’t be able to get through his next day in office without pressing the button at least once. “But it’s hard not to dare myself to do it. It’s like I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, taking it all in, and I’m one millisecond away from saying to myself, ‘Fuck it, Barack. Just jump.’”
“Bravo-Delta-five-seven-three-Delta-Charlie-zero-two-Tango-Tango-eight-one-six-Echo-Foxtrot-zero-zero-nine-four-nine,” Obama continued. “Those were the launch codes as of three minutes ago. They constantly change, but I memorize them.”
Sources told reporters that when Obama first took office, the thought of pressing the button and launching thousands of ICBMs only crossed his mind two or three times a day. Two-and-a-half years into his term, however, the button consumes him at all times, whether he is watching basketball, playing with his children, or lying in his bed at night. During a deficit-reduction meeting last Monday with House Speaker John Boehner, the president’s index finger was reportedly resting on the button the entire time without his even realizing it.
“Apropos of nothing, the president approached me one day and said, ‘Think about it: There is a button 3 feet away from me, that I, a human being, could press and virtually end the human race. Tell me you wouldn’t be slightly tempted to push it,’” Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND) said. “Then the president said he often wondered if the exploding bombs would look like a movie in which dozens and dozens of mushroom clouds rise from Earth and can be seen from outer space.”
“The way he talked about it, I think I would have pressed it by now, honestly,” Conrad added. “Jesus, I’m breathing faster just thinking about it.”
Historians have noted that a strong desire to press the button is not uncommon among U.S. presidents. After just one year in office, Jimmy Carter wrote in his diary, “You don’t leave a man alone in a room with a button like that,” and two years later the pages were simply covered with the word “button” over and over again. In 1974, Richard Nixon rapidly pressed the button 12 times just prior to his resignation, but Pentagon officials had already disconnected its triggering mechanism.
At press time, large-scale nuclear explosions had been confirmed in Pyongyang, Beijing, Moscow, Tehran, and Washington, D.C.
Gingrich Announces Candidacy
Former House speaker Newt Gingrich is announcing he will run for president in 2012. What do you think?
Oh, that probably means he’s also in the market for a new wife. It’d be great if you could put a good word in for me. I’m disease free.
They're going to have a hard time filling his position as Liberty University's Dean of Rapacious Self-Indulgence.
Now I finally know what he was getting at all those times over the past few months when he talked about running for president.
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TACOMA, WA—Calling him “quick” and “very clever,” local aunt Maria Palmer, 47, confirmed Wednesday that her nephew Gregory Olsen is a very funny young man. “It’s like having a stand-up comedian in your living room,” said Palmer, adding that the entertaining 13-year-old boy cracks her up with both his funny skits and his “spot-on” impression of Regis Philbin. “I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff!” According to reports, Palmer has told her nephew that he should send in some of his jokes to Saturday Night Live.
The Post-College Job Hunt
Members of the class of 2011 are facing an anemic job market as the national unemployment rate hovers around 9 percent. Here are some of the ways graduating seniors are getting a leg up:
- Applying at places they happen to walk by and get a good feeling about
- Getting the phone numbers of the 500 biggest companies in the United States; calling them and screaming, “ARE YOU HIRING?”
- Practicing handshake with boss doll at home
- Packaging resumé with a free iTunes download
- Lurking at Chinese lunch buffet to find out what people with jobs talk about
- Putting up “Josh Needs Work” fliers in their area and expecting support, not laughter, you guys
- Googling “How to get a job”
- Comping extra slice of cheese on sandwich of anyone who looks as if they might be hiring
WASHINGTON—The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told reporters Monday. “Since last week, the number of people who have incorrectly stated that all SEAL members must do 300 pull-ups in a minute, earn advanced calculus degrees from MIT, and be able to hold their breath underwater for an hour, has been extraordinarily high,” said Pentagon press secretary Geoff Morrell, adding that the comment, “I heard you need to be able shoot a quarter from a mile away after running for four hours straight,” has been idiotically uttered in more than 65 percent of discussions related to the military operation. “Just to set the record straight: Navy SEALs are allowed to talk to their families. Ninety percent of them do not die during training. And members of SEAL Team Six did not have to fight and kill a tiger shark in order to be admitted.” Morrell added that current enlistment numbers couldn’t possibly account for the number of Americans claiming they have an uncle in the Navy SEALs.